Chris reached forward to turn off the camera, took off the bowler hat, peeled off the moustache and flopped back on the bed. It had been so difficult to continue with Youtube or any work the last 7 months. Things were picking up for him in mainstream T.V. With work commissioned for both BBC and Channel 4 and the giffgaff ads had been fun, well they would have been if he could have fully engaged, he was so tired. He knew he'd been neglecting Youtube again, and felt guilty about this despite his 'I give no fucks' attitude. It had given him his first big leg up after all. No good mooching about he thought and no point editing this one it can go up as it is, my subscribers know what I'm like, and they'll understand anyway.
His world was taking off, but he felt as if it was ending and he knew he hadn't been looking after himself. There was a knock at the door, and he could see a distinctive black haired figure shuffling on his doorstep. "Come in" he shouted - "it's not even locked". The door opened and Phil stepped in, "have you got a death wish or something Chris, why is the door not locked?" I could only shrug my shoulders and make a meh face. He asked "are you coming out with me and Dan this afternoon? You said you might". Truth is I haven't wanted to go out, or socialise since it happened, the days just blur into one, grey and featureless just going through the motions. "Come on" Phil cajoles "it'll be good to get some fresh air into your lungs, and some colour into your cheeks you can't pine forever you know".
Trouble is I don't know that; am I pining? I suppose I am, I don't see why I can't do it forever. Since my best friend disappeared I can't focus, I can't get my thoughts in order, and I can't smile. Phil is quiet, after all what can he say that hasn't been said a hundred times already.
False hope that's what it was, just because they never found a body doesn't mean he's not gone. He'd have come back to me somehow by now wouldn't he? What the hell were we thinking, PJ's a good swimmer but what happened to our common sense that day. We saw the red flags at the waters edge but we were only filming a short silly 'bit' for 'the Fantastic Foursome'. PJ was only meant to flail about in the shallow water shouting help. We didn't realise he'd drifted outside the 'safe' zone, only a little.. and the water really was fairly shallow. I was supposed to drag him out and give him a big fail at resuscitation, while Dan and Phil shouted useless instructions making it worse.
How were we supposed to know that he was shouting for real. That he'd lost his footing and that a strong undertow had him in its grip. We watched him, giggling at how much he was putting into the performance how could we know that was the last time we would see him. Very strong currents they say that day, when they tore PJ away they tore my life away too.
"Chris" Phil placed his hand on my arm shaking me out of my memories, the vision of PJ going under for the last time was on a loop in my head, and it would be for the rest of my life. Phil continued "none of us realised... none of us! not even the lifeguard, no one ran in quickly enough to help... not just you. PJ wouldn't want you to disappear like this, there's nothing of you – have you eaten today?". I looked up embarrassed to feel my cheeks wet, had I eaten today? I don't think so, but what comes out of my mouth, hands on hips, is a slow exaggerated "Yupp". Phil gave me a worried and exasperated look and wandered off to rummage through my fridge, I could hear him on the phone to Dan "nope, there's nothing in the fridge can you come over, and bring takeaway... and essential groceries – he's not looking good Dan, I don't know what to do"
Dan ended the call and was half way out of the door before Phil had finished speaking. If Phil said Chris didn't look good then he must be looking bloody awful because he'd been looking pretty damn bad for months now. They were sure that Chris was majorly head over heels with PJ before the accident. He always though he could hide his emotions with jokes but he couldn't hide the way his eyes sparkled and softened when he looked at Peej, the little glances from under his fringe with a soft smile when he thought no one was looking. If they didn't know before the accident they sure knew now, their friend was wasting away in front of them and he was damned if he was going to let that happen.
I don't think anyone realised just how much I loved PJ until after the accident. He knew, I think he did, God I shipped us harder than our subscribers. Just before it happened we'd accidentally 'followed through' with one of our daft gay offs. We'd got so close it was as if gravity forced the hairsbreadth gap between our lips to close, and it was like fireworks in my heart, I turned to mush it took my breath away. It only lasted a few seconds mainly because PJ pulled away sharply, bright red and flustered, but we both knew it meant something. I would never upload that video I could never edit out that kiss. I'd loved Peej for ages and it had looked as if something could come of it after all, I was happier than I had been in a long time. It was the next day that we'd gone down to that bloody beach to film.
"Right!" I said slapping my hands on my thighs taking a deep breath and rising out of my chair dramatically. I'd pulled myself out of my reverie with difficulty, but I felt lighter now that my mind was made up. "If I'm going to come out with you dick heads I'm going to have to clean myself up aren't I". Phil turned, his eyes wide, the relief flooding his sweet face. "Oh that's brilliant Chris! Dan should be here in a minute we'll stock you up then have the take away, we don't want you passing out on us while we're out. After all God knows when you ate last".
"Okey Dokey Phil" I shouted shutting the bathroom door behind me. PJ really wouldn't want me sad and pining, Phil was right. Looking in the mirror I could see I was in a right proper state "euggh" I couldn't help but exclaim pulling a Jim Carey face at myself. I stripped off, at last I felt something. I longed to be clean and fresh and new again. The bath had been running while I brushed my teeth and undressed. The warm cleansing water felt so good as I lowered myself into it. I sighed as I leaned back against the smooth white porcelain, closing my eyes and relaxing, slipping lower into the water the warmth creeping up my body turning my pasty flesh pink. "So PJ no more crying myself to sleep, no more pining, ok" I said aloud. I'll be with you in no time I thought as I opened my mouth and breathed in the warm water, my eyes wide open, I didn't even struggle to breath, PJ's beautiful green eyes and the feel of his lips filling my mind as I drifted away.