Turning Japanese, a south park fanfic

Because South Park doesn't have enough femmeslash, in my honest opinion. And the song I was listening to sort of... leaked in. It's either about jacking off or obsessive unrequited love. Choose whichever interpration you prefer.

Disclaimer: I do not own South Park or "Turning Japanese".

Turning Japanese

Stan and Wendy just got back together. Again. They're really gross when they're going out. But, hey, as long as she's happy, right?

Well, not really.

"I love your ass."

"My ass?" Wendy said. "And what else?"

"Your eyes. Your hair. Everything."

I sit there staring and there's nothing else to do.

Oh, yeah? Has Stan seen the green in her hazel eyes when it's dark, and she's laughing, and has he watched her sleep and had to resist the temptation to touch her, to kiss her, while no one else is around?

Does he know that her hair isn't actually black, but that it's just really dark brown? Does he know what shampoo she uses? I do. And, whenever I go over to her house, I have to smell the bottle. Vanilla.

God, I'm such a stalker.

But I can't help it. I'm obsessed. I have loads of pictures of the two of us, from when we were little to the last time Stan broke her heart, and I took her to the movies to cheer her up. I love them.

I've got your picture. I'd like a million of them all round my cell.

He isn't worthy of her.

He's never dealt with Wendy when he ignores her for four weeks straight. He's never had to listen to her constantly go over what she might have done to push Stan away. Only I know that she did nothing at all.

She loves him too much.

I have dealt with Wendy when they break up. It involves a lot of tears. Stan drives this strong, confident woman to tears. It's weird, but I wish that she cared enough about me that I could make her cry. Not that I ever would.

You've got me turning up and turning down and turning in and turning 'round.

But it's OK. It's worth it, when they break up. Because I console her. I hug her and smooth her gorgeous hair and I tell her it's going to be all right. And she clings to me and tells me that I'm such a great friend. And she says she loves me, and I tell her I love her, too.

I don't think she means it the same way I do, though.

It's torture, constantly telling her that I love her, but she still remains so oblivious. But it's fine. I care about her. And if she can't love me as a woman, then she can love me as a friend. I can live with that.

I used to think that maybe I was just confusing loving her as a friend with being in love with her, back when I first got these feelings. But it's been three years now, and I know I'm not. I love her. I'm in love with her.

No sex, no drugs, no wine, no women, no fun, no sin, no you, no wonder it's dark.

So all I can do is watch her run back into Stan's arms, and start the cycle all over again. I'm not sure whether I hate it more when they're newly together or when they've just broken up. When they're together, Wendy lights up like she never could for me. But, then again, she's attached to Stan's face all the time, and I don't get to see her at all. And then, when they break up, I can hold her, and hope that this is the time that she sees sense and forgets about him. But I can't think that. I'm her best friend. I want her to be happy.

I hate this flip-flopping, between being her friend and being madly in love with her. I turn every which way, and when I find my balance, it's just a dizzying as when I was spinning.

Because I love her more than I can bear. And she never will.

I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so.