Hercules, scrawny and dopey and not entirely weak, but not entirely strong either struggled with pushing open the door to the shrine of Zeus.
He shoved.
He pushed.
He rammed into it with a tree he uprooted from nearby.
Lobbed boulders at it.
Pounded on the door with his fist.
And tried the knocker about three times.
Finally a little girl named Princess strolled up to him. Saw his plight, and with one hand still clutching a stuffed plushie of Roxas. Pulled the door open and smiled a gappy grin.
Hercules rubbed the back of his neck and ooked up at the "Pull" sign.
"It's a pull door, stupid!" Princess beamed. "Hi, my name is p-!"
Hercules ignored her and strolled inside.
The door slammed loudly behind him.
Hercules jumped about 5 feet and cowered in a manner only Luigi would be proud of.
"MY BOY?!"
"Dad!" Hercules beamed about ready to hug the statue of Zeus like it said in the script.
But he stopped. A crumbled statue of Zeus sat scattered about the floor. The sound Hercules thought he heard was only a cappuccino maker in the back of the temple as it whirled and spit out another mocha fudge latte.
"MY BOY?!" The machine whirled.
Perplexed, the strappin' young one-strap-dress wearing sissy scratched at his head. The entire back wall of the temple had been blown out and a short bald man wearing a hardhat was busily trying to find north on a set of schematics.
"Uh.. what's going on here?" Hercules asked the bald construction worker. "Isn't this suppose to be the shrine of Zeus. King of the Gods?"
"Ac'ally what weir building here ish a Starbucks, kids these days just don't go visitin' Shrines o'Zeuses anymore to find their futures. Not with the advent of cellolar phones, two-way radios, and the internets. Plus the wishin' well wasn't grantin' any wishes and the fortune teller and love-o-matic machines in the corner hadn't been serviced in years. Everyone was getting "Aphrodite's chosen disco partner" and nobody was getting "You wouldn't get a date with Echo."
"Sho, when Zeus stopped being able to foot the bill he was forced to sell all his assets to one Butz Krauser. Then when the tax collection agency slapped HIM with tax-evasion fraud he was forced to sell all o'the Shrines. Now all you got here is this gimmick pullcord Butz statue."
The construction worker reached up and pulled the drawstring.
"Flies in the wind, Boco!" The statue shouted, stuck in it's hands on hips and proud as a peacock pose.
"Use to be a hit with the kids... apparently." The contruction worker shrugged.
The statue then let out a raspberry sound. Still.. as proud as a peacock.
Herc looked skeptical but decided to put his faith in this cheap chinese replica of a man who's story doesn't exist, especially in this franchise.
Pulling the ripcord, Herc was greeted by a familiar voice.
"MY BOY?!"
"DAD?!"
Nope it was only the construction worker getting himself a mocha fudge cappuccino. "Gee, kid. I certainly hope not."
"Take my trusty steed.." Butz Krauser spoke, as though he was giving his son the keys to his jaguar for the very first time. "Don't drive under fifty and yield to pedestrians."
Hercules raised his eyebrow.
Suddenly the still intact wall behind him exploded as a large dumb looking chocobo thundered in beside him.
"Whoa!" Hercules jumped again. There was the sound of flatulence, but it was unclear if it came from Herc or the Statue.
"Wark!" Boco warked. Whatever that is. His eyes weren't lined up, his tongue stuck out of his beak and a family of flies buzzed around his dirty unwashed feathers.
"Uh..." Hercules questioned the foul-smelling bird beside him.
"You remember Boco don't you?!" The statue prompted without having his ripcord pulled. "Of course this isn't the original Boko. That one's mine. But this is one of the many I got when I recruited one in Final Fantasy Tactics! Boy do those things breed fast!"
Hercules other eyebrow raised making him look just plain surprised.
"Now, in order to be a real hero you... need... to... be... trai...ned...by... Phi...i...i...l..." The statue slowly died. Then let out a thunderous farting noise and remained motionless.
Chocobo reins in hand.. Hercules didn't know what else to do.
Before he had managed to climb on Boco's back, the temple had been complete converted into a Starbucks. Thundering ahead like a bull moose and smelling three times as bad, the dumb chocobo busted back out through the newly built wall.
"Hey! I JUST BUILT that!" The construction worker shouted.
"MY BOY?!" The cappuccino maker whirled.
"Sorry!" Herc apologized as the dumb inbred bird raced across the plains.
Hours later, Herc arrived in downtown Los Angeles and the stupid animal busted into a recording studio currently recording music for Tarzan 2. It collapsed in a heap and died from multiple brain concussions.
Tumbling forward onto his hands and knees Tarz—er—Hercules landed in from of another bald man, this one sporting designer sunglasses.
"Can I. Help yo~ou?" The bald man sung.
Hercules looked up at his nametag which read "Phil."
"Phil!" Hercules got up and embraced the man in a strong bear hug which promptly killed him.
Hercules was then arrested for murder and animal cruelty.
Roo arrived and snatched the conductor's baton which in the commotion had been swapped for pooh stick. He then later returned the pooh stick to the Fellowship of the Pooh.
Hercules is expected to serve out 5 years in an American prison.
The End.