Listen up and hear my words of wisdom: I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters or GI Joe characters. It is a fact. Well once again someone sent me one of those e-mails that get passed around to everyone that gives people a chuckle. I decided to make use of it and have some fun. This episode can take place at any time in my series.
Misfit Wisdom
"For the last time Kurt," Rogue groaned as she walked into the kitchen with Scott and her brother. "We are not setting the mansion's security systems to Defcon 3. There is no such thing as an attack penguin and it is not stalking you."
"I'm telling you guys! It's out there and it's plotting to get me!" Kurt told them.
"Who's plotting to get you?" Lance asked. Todd and Fred were with them sitting in the kitchen with several notebooks and eating half of the food at the Institute.
"God apparently," Scott groaned.
"You!" Kurt pointed a finger at Todd. "This is all your fault! My life is being threatened because of you!"
"Me? What did I do?" Todd asked.
"You're going to have to be more specific on the date here," Lance explained. "This is Toad we're talking about."
"Remember that penguin you gave Kitty a few years ago?" Scott asked. "Well it's missing from the aquarium."
"They didn't say that specific penguin is missing," Rogue said. "The news report said a penguin is missing from the aquarium. We don't know if that's the same one."
"Oh it's the same one! I'm sure of it!" Kurt snapped. "I saw it's picture! It's the same one!"
"How do you know?" Rogue asked. "Penguins all look alike."
"I recognized it's beady little eyes," Kurt told her. "It has the eyes of a killer!"
"Wait a minute, are you telling us Blue Boy here is scared of penguins?" Lance laughed.
"Not penguins, a penguin!" Kurt told him. "One penguin! One very evil penguin! Toad's little psychotic friend!"
"All it did was chase your tail a couple of times," Rogue rolled her eyes. "For crying out loud you've been nearly eaten by monsters and blasted apart by robots and you're worried about a stupid penguin? Just because it's gone missing is no reason to have a meltdown!"
"It is not missing, it escaped!" Kurt corrected. "It escaped so it could come after me!"
"For the last time Kurt," Rogue snapped. "Penguins do not escape from zoos to attack people!"
"Well they did in Madagascar," Fred pointed out. "Actually they didn't escape to beat someone up. They just wanted to go to the South Pole."
"Zippy is very smart," Todd nodded. "He'd probably go there to hide out."
"Zippy?" Rogue looked at him. "You named it Zippy? Who names a penguin Zippy?"
"I did," Todd said. "Pay attention."
"I really don't want to," Scott groaned. "You are all crazy you know that? And speaking of training psychotic animals to attack, where's Lockheed?"
"Over here," Fred pointed. The dragon was eating something under the table.
"I thought I told you to barbecue them the next time these guys came over unannounced!" Scott snapped at the dragon.
"Well that's why we bribed him with some meat products," Fred explained.
Lockheed was calmly munching on some beef jerky. "Traitor," Scott glared at him.
"So what are you morons doing here in our kitchen?" Rogue asked. "Besides eating all our food."
"We're trying to answer the questions of the universe," Todd spoke in a very calm voice.
"Toad we've been over this," Kurt moaned. "There is no little man living in the refrigerator. It's a light bulb."
"No, no," Fred waved. "He means the big questions. Like why are we here?"
"Why are you here?" Rogue asked. "I mean it, why are you here instead of at home where you yahoos belong?"
"It was Al's turn to do laundry," Lance explained.
"Oh…" Scott nodded. "Wall to wall soap suds and jeans huh?"
"Let's just say we won't need to wash the carpet for quite a while," Lance sighed.
"I see," Kurt sighed.
"Then Shipwreck discovered that his secret alcohol stash got washed as well," Fred added. "And even he couldn't drink stuff that tasted like soap. He tried but those bubbles kept coming out of his mouth…"
"So fast forward this story to now," Scott interrupted. "You guys are here just screwing around? Without the rest of the team?"
"Yeah the others are kind of busy back at the base," Todd scratched his head. "We decided to get out while the getting was good."
"And to kill time we decided to work on a book," Fred said.
"Really? Isn't it difficult without the crayons?" Scott smirked.
"Ha, ha…" Fred said sarcastically. "That's so funny I forgot to laugh."
"We mean a real book yo," Todd said. "About things we've learned. We call it Misfit Wisdom."
"Misfit Wisdom?" Scott asked. "Isn't that an oxymoron?"
"No, just moron period," Rogue quipped.
"You guys should become comedians," Todd gave her a look. "Laugh if you must…"
"Okay I will," Scott snickered.
"But there is a lot of important stuff in here," Todd said.
"Okay this I gotta hear," Kurt sat down.
"Ahem," Todd coughed and read from his list. "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire."
"Yeah that makes sense," Scott said sarcastically.
"Never test the depth of water with both feet," Todd continued.
"Especially if you're wearing new shoes," Rogue smirked.
"Good one," Fred nodded. He scribbled it down. "Here's another: Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."
"Did you learn that one the hard way, Blob?" Scott asked.
"We all learned that one the hard way," Lance rolled his eyes.
"Oh yeah I remember that night," Rogue thought. "It was two days before I left the Brotherhood."
"Coincidence?" Kurt made a face. "I think not."
"It's always darkest before dawn," Todd read. "So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it."
"You know I've been meaning to talk to you guys about that," Scott gave him a look.
"Hey we're not the ones who tried to set fire to the paperboy last time," Lance pointed out. Lockheed huffed.
"That reminds me of another passage," Fred looked in the notebook. "Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from 'em and you have their shoes."
"I wish I was a mile away from you people," Scott grumbled as he sat down at the table.
"If at first you don't succeed," Todd spoke. "Skydiving is not for you. Nor bungee jumping. Or cliff diving…"
"Or listening to Misfits," Scott groaned.
"In dark times, in times of trouble and sorrow, if you think no one cares that you are alive," Fred spoke. "Try missing a couple of car payments."
"Don't be irreplaceable," Todd said. "If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."
"Don't think you have to worry too much about that one, Toad," Kurt said as he rolled his eyes.
"Always remember that you are unique," Lance said. "Just like everyone else."
"Some of us are more unique than others," Rogue said.
"Some days you are the bug, some days you are the Toad," Todd said.
"Don't you mean the windshield?" Scott asked.
Todd's tongue shot out to grab an unsuspecting fly. "No, I mean me."
"You have to admit it does make more sense that way," Lance said.
"Nothing you say makes any sense!" Rogue said. "Which proves the old adage, everyone seems normal until you get to know them."
"That's a good one!" Todd said. "Mind if I quote you?"
"Here's another quote," Rogue gave him a look. "Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. Do not walk with me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone!"
"Could you repeat that?" Todd was scribbling. "I didn't get it."
"And he never will," Scott remarked.
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day," Fred said. "Teach him to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."
"You learned that one from Shipwreck didn't you?" Rogue asked.
"I also learned about duct tape being like The Force," Fred nodded. "It has a light side…"
"A dark side and it holds the universe together," Scott, Lance, Todd, Kurt and Rogue finished.
"You're heard that one then?" Fred's face fell.
"Only about every other time Forge works on his inventions," Rogue told him. "Here's a few words of wisdom you should consider. A closed mouth gathers no foot. Never miss a good chance to shut up."
"What does that mean?" Todd blinked.
"Generally speaking you aren't learning much when your lips are moving," Scott said. "Of course if you're a Misfit you don't learn that much when your lips are closed either."
"That was good," Rogue snorted. "We should write our own book."
"Here's another one," Scott said. "If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. Unless you're a Misfit, then you're pretty much on your own."
"I've got one," Kurt said. "If you lend a Misfit twenty dollars and you never see that Misfit again, it was well worth it."
"If a Misfit says something intelligent and no one hears it…" Rogue began. "Who am I kidding? Like that's ever gonna happen!"
"What? You mean the nobody hearing us thing because we're always around?" Todd blinked. "Or do you mean the smart thing?"
"Right now, it's a tie between the two of 'em," Rogue groaned.
"There are two theories of arguing with the Misfits," Scott groaned. "Neither one works."
"Okay I am sick of all these put downs," Lance said.
"Here's a remedy for them, go home!" Scott snapped.
"I'm serious! The Misfits are not that bad! It's not like we blow everything up everywhere we go!" Lance defended.
"No, sometimes you make them implode with one of your earthquakes," Scott said. "Or set something on fire. Or…"
"Look it's not as if you guys are good luck charms yourselves," Todd pointed out. "You've done more than your fair share of damage."
"Please, nothing we've done is half as…" Scott began.
That's when Forge, Kitty and Peter ran in through the back door. Peter was in his armored form holding Penny who had a mailman's letter bag clenched in her teeth. They were all soaking wet. They stopped and stared at the mutants at the kitchen table. "Uh hi guys," Forge gulped.
"Hi there," Todd said cheerfully. "What's new?"
"Oh, nothing…" Peter gulped nervously. "Nothing…"
"What happened to you?" Scott asked. "What were you doing?"
"Driving lesson," Peter said as if it was the most casual thing in the world.
"Yeah I'll buy that," Lance snorted.
"Oh uh is Logan around?" Kitty looked around nervously.
"He's in the Danger Room working on some new programs," Kurt explained. "He just went in."
"Good! That will give us plenty of time to get the dents out of his motorcycle," Kitty breathed a sigh of relief.
"You drove Wolverine's motorcycle?" Kurt gasped.
"Do you have a death wish or something?" Todd yelled.
"No I didn't drive his motorcycle!" Kitty snapped.
"She drove into his motorcycle," Peter groaned.
"Well you distracted me!" Kitty snapped.
"I kind of had my hands full with her!" Peter snapped holding Penny who was giggling.
"Look uh, if anyone calls like the water department or the post office or the police…" Forge said. "Just say that we were all here at the time and we know nothing about an exploding fire hydrant, a mauled mailman, a three car pileup on Sutter Street and a small fire at the junk yard."
"And we definitely had nothing to do with the mayor's car getting towed!" Kitty yelled as she ran out. "Just let me get changed and I'll be down with the welding equipment."
"I'm not wasting time," Forge ran out. "I'm going to get my tools now!"
"Do I really want to know what happened?" Scott moaned as he put his head in his hands.
"Uh not if you want to plead ignorance if some kind of trial comes up," Peter gulped. "Excuse me…I have to take care of Penny. And a very painful bruise on my person…Ow…" He limped away holding the happy mutant.
"Here's a good saying," Lance gave Scott a smug look. "X-Men who live in glass mansions shouldn't throw stones."
"My cousin Irving lived in a glass house," Fred spoke. "He made it himself. It was right next to his workshop. He used to be a blacksmith but his specialty was making cannonballs for Civil War reenactments. When I was a kid we used to go over to his house and watch them from the living room."
"What? Civil War reenactments?" Kurt asked.
"Oh yeah he had this big field in and he had all his buddies come over and have battles all the time," Fred nodded. "Me and all my male relatives would see everything through the walls. The whole house was one big window you could see in and out of. Of course Granny never visited much. Nor any of my female relatives. They kind of felt uncomfortable going to the bathroom in there. And it wasn't long before my Aunt Ralph was banned from going to the bathroom in there."
"I see…" Rogue blinked.
"Exactly," Fred nodded. "That was the problem. Everybody on the block could see. They also saw that stray cannonball go straight through the bathroom while Uncle Ernie was reading the newspaper and…Well…Let's just say it was lucky Uncle Ernie had cannonball injury insurance."
"Cannonball injury insurance?" Scott blinked. "That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!"
"What do you mean?" Kurt gave him a look. "Back in the circus cannonball injury insurance is a very common practice."
"You were in the circus too?" Fred asked.
"When I was younger," Kurt said. "I was a very good acrobat and I pretended my mutation was a costume. Even though we were careful cannonball injuries did happen."
"Yeah you could lose a foot or an arm or even part of your head if you don't have your wits about you," Fred agreed. "That happened a lot in my family."
"I once knew this acrobat that got in the line of fire and had to change his whole act to include chairs," Kurt said. "But to be fair he was trying to get away from an elephant stampede at the time."
"Oh I hate those!" Fred threw up his hands. "And it was always some brat who had to play with firecrackers!"
"Tell me about it! I had a few experiences with them myself!" Kurt nodded. "And of course the parents never take any responsibility!"
"Oh no, heaven forbid little Johnny Explodes A Lot gets punished for tormenting animals, ruining lives and causing insurance premiums to go up!" Fred threw up his hands. "That's one of the main reasons I left the circus! Well that and I didn't want to be in the freak show."
"Me too! The exact same things happened to me!" Kurt said. "Wow what a small world." Both he and Fred turned around and saw a shocked table of mutants looking at them. "What? Why are you so shocked?"
"Sorry Kurt," Rogue blinked. "It's just that we've never seen the fabric of reality unravel so fast before!"
"Hey guys," Jean walked into the kitchen. "What are you talking about?"
"I can honestly say I have no idea," Scott groaned.
"We started to talk about this killer penguin that's after Nightcrawler," Fred explained. "Then we were talking about this book we're writing."
"And then we came up with a few ideas for a book of our own," Scott went on. "But somehow it evolved into glass bathrooms and cannonballs and then comparing what the Blob and Nightcrawler have in common."
"Well here's another thing they have in common," Jean sighed. "Toad they found your little penguin friend outside the Institute gates."
"I KNEW IT!" Kurt leapt up. "I KNEW HE WAS AFTER ME!"
"Come on that's impossible!" Rogue denied.
"Actually it seems to be true," Jean sighed. "You know some of the graffiti on the north wall? The ones with the not so flattering pictures of us. When some of the New Mutants went out to clean it they found it pecking at the picture of Nightcrawler."
"Zippy's here!" Todd cheered as he got up. "I wanna see him!"
"I want to see him too!" Kurt snapped as he followed him. "Behind bars where he belongs!"
"The police also want to talk to the Professor," Jean was puzzled. "Something about a fire hydrant exploding and an incident with the mayor's car."
"And here is one final irrevocable truth," Scott sighed. "No matter who you are, Misfit or X-Man, if you're a mutant you're pretty much screwed."