The New Physician
by Dr. John Ragbrain
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Greetings to all of my many loyal readers! In recent times, I have come upon the works of fiction written by my fellow author of works of fiction, David Gonterman! Although the works written by Gonterman are flawed in a wide and expansive variety of ways, I have noted the use of some literary techniques in these works which I feel can be applied usefully to my own works. Nevertheless, this story does not feature any specific characters or elements taken from the works of David Gonterman!
Chapter 1: The Diagnosis
One day Gregory House, M.D., was hard at work in a hospital! He was walking around in an unpleasant way and causing displeasure to various other members of the hospital staff! However, just as he was beginning to get into the swing of this activity, he received a communication on his hospital communications radio! House was informed that a patient had entered the hospital due to suffering some kind of medical illness, so he quickly went to the location where the patient was located, while being unfriendly to everyone!
When House arrived at the patient's location, he immediately experienced a feeling of surprise! This was because the patient's appearance was indicative of extreme physical ruin! For example, the patient was covered in terrible boils that were spherical and several inches in diameter! In addition the patient was bleeding copiously onto his hospital garments and screaming in a manner suggestive of deadly physical illness! As the patient flailed around wildly in his agony, House observed the patient's activities! House was unfriendly while doing this!
Finally House decided that it was time to supply a diagnosis! Since the patient's screaming was very loud, House was forced to shout at an even higher volume! He shouted that the patient seemed to be suffering the effects of influenza! Although House's friend, Dr. James Wilson, suggested that House's diagnosis may be incorrect, House was adamant! House quickly retrieved a syringe used for vaccination against influenza and injected it strongly into the patient's bloodstream!
After a few moments of waiting for the medication to take effect, House experienced great despair! Although you may not immediately understand why House may have experienced such despair, you will understand when I tell you that it is because the medication had caused extreme damage to the patient's blood, causing all of the patient's blood vessels to expand at an extreme rate and tear the patient's skin to shreds! The patient was now in an even more uncomfortable state than the state which he had been in before! In response to this turn of events, House began to behave in an even more unfriendly way toward the surrounding humans!
However, just a moment later, House looked up at the ceiling on the other end of the room to see that this ceiling had exploded into many large fiery chunks! House perceived that a motorcycle was falling down through the flaming ceiling and into the hospital room! As the motorcycle landed and drove across the room at great speeds, House observed that its rider was an extraordinarily handsome and well-muscled man who appeared to possess extreme intellect! The man jumped off of his motorcycle and did a backflip and landed! As House stared at the man in extreme awe, the man began to speak!
"My name is Johnny," said the man! "Stand aside and observe as I administer effective medical techniques!" As the man spoke, he displayed to House an identification card which indicated that his full name was "Dr. John Ragbrain, Ph.D."
House was somewhat nervous due to the extremely imposing stature of the doctor, but he felt the need to inquire about certain issues! "Wait a moment there, Johnny, sir," House shouted in a trembling voice above the noise of the motorcycle! "What is it that you are a doctor of?"
"The area of my expertise is not important, Gregory House," said the doctor, "as I am a doctor possessing skill in most all respects in the universe! In fact, it just so happens that I possess particularly extreme levels of skill in the field of medicine! It is clear that you have misdiagnosed your patient with influenza," the handsome doctor continued. House wondered how the doctor had this information without having been in the room at the time of the diagnosis, but the doctor continued! "As a doctor of extreme skill," he said, "I will now apply an accurate diagnosis and treatment to the patient!"
However, as Dr. Ragbrain advanced toward the patient with an elegant, striding gait, a man and woman suddenly burst into the room! The woman was Lisa Cuddy, an important hospital administrative woman! The man was Eric Foreman, a hospital employee who disliked Gregory House! "What is this, House?" Foreman shouted! "Have you brought one of your terrible and troublesome friends into the hospital to cause terrible damage to the hospital?" But just at that moment, Foreman caught sight of the powerful and respectable doctor in the room! The doctor was Dr. John Ragbrain! Foreman immediately ceased speaking and bowed his head in an attitude of submission toward this eminent doctor!
"Observe as Johnny applies his expert work to this patient," said Dr. Ragbrain! As he said this, he produced a bottle of medication from his pocket! "You see," he said, "the patient is actually suffering from the uncommon condition of unilateral renal agenesis! Because of this, a terrible illness has spread through his body, having failed to be destroyed due to the absence of the patient's left kidney, and is now causing ruination to the patient's bodily functions! Please ingest this medication, patient," he said, handing the bottle of medication to the patient!
House watched in great amazement as the patient consumed the medication and his bodily issues were instantly resolved! The patient seemed to transform before House's very eyes into a happy and well-nourished young fellow! House regarded patient and doctor with silent awe. Then House suddenly turned to notice that the important hospital administrative woman, Dr. Lisa Cuddy, was approaching Dr. Ragbrain with the appearance of extreme lust! House looked on this with some dismay, as House felt a vague semblance of romantic attraction toward Dr. Cuddy!
"Oh, Johnny-kins! Your level of doctoral expertise is unfathomably great, as are your handsome and masculine characteristics!" exclaimed Dr. Cuddy, embracing Dr. John Ragbrain passionately! However, Dr. Ragbrain seemed to be uninterested in her romantic advances, despite the fact that she was a highly attractive woman! This was because Dr. Ragbrain was a man of such caliber that he was constantly pursued by a large number of attractive women anyway!
"I do not have time for your romantic advances, attractive woman! It is time for Johnny to move into other regions of the hospital and perform actions which will not be disclosed at this time!" Subsequently, Dr. John Ragbrain moved into other regions of the hospital and performed actions which will not be disclosed at this time! The other present doctors looked on with excitement, knowing that this would be a new era of extreme prosperity for the hospital!
TO BE CONTINUED...