Bella: Lalala God my life SUCKS this is CRAP oh jeez. A truck. WTF dad I love you but you are still so uncool. *lots more whining. Some crap where she goes to school*
Students in School: AHHHH HEARTS AND BIG LOVES!!!!!!!!1111!! 3333 Can we have your babies?
Bella: All of you are creepy. OH EXCEPT YOU YOU'RE GORGEOUS.
Girl nobody cares about (Jessica):oh he's gay. Don't even bother. *bitches some more* blahblahblahEDWARDCULLENblah
Bella: WANT
Edward: *looks over* *suavely makes eye contact* *looks away*
Bella: OMFGOMFG he looked at me! *heartsqueal*
Some science class: *is setting*
Bella: I'm walking in. OH MY SWEET FLIPPING CROWS OF HOLY. (or whatever cutesy cuss words she uses) HE'S HERE
Edward: Ahh, f***
Bella: *Does a bunch of crap about tossing her hair around and blushing and falling about and peering at him* He seems to hate me. Wonder why.
Edward: SAVED! *bell rings as he flees*
Bella: I want to go to guidance. The reason isn't really clear. *goes to guidance* OH HE'S HERE! *swoooon*
Edward: Ahh, F***
Lady at desk: swooooooon
……………………………………………………………..
Snow: *arrives*
Bella: GODDAMMIT I HATE THIS LIFE AND THIS TOWN AND EVERYTHING BUT BEAUTIFFFFFFFFFUL EDWARD
Readers: ….? Why are you here? Why am I reading this?
Bella: blah time for school. *after we get a blow-by-blow description of what each cornflake looked like as Bella eats it, she goes to school*
Van: Time to die…for you!
Edward: magically sparkle powers…ACTIVATE! Oh hey, look I saved you
Bella: wha—
Edward: Not a word now
Bella: but---
Edward: STFU! Jeez, you're so dumb. I just saved you. That's your story! UNDERSTAND?
Bella: Oh jeez I feel like a nerd. Take the neckbrace offff!
And for the rest of this chapter, there's a hot doctor, Bella is repeatedly melting to a hormonal puddle at Edward's feet, and the whole school waits for Bella in the waiting room. (o.0)
…………………………………….
Edward: basically ignores Bella for a while, which is nice.
Bella: OH I'M SO MISERABLE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM. SADDDD
Edward: Look, it's better you stay away from me, but…LET'S GO TO HELL TOGETHER!
Bella: As long as it's with you, cool.
Edward: Eat lunch with me
Bella: Only if you agree to have my babies
Edward: No, srsly. *crooked smiles and crap*
In class, Bella: OH GOD NEEDLES. AN IRRATIONAL PHOBIA.
Edward: *saves*
Bella: I can smell blood. 'Cause I'm speshul.
Edward: Ooooh, we're like, soulmates.
Bella: TEEHEE IKR.
……………………………………………….
Random party at the beach: *arrives*
Mike: OH BELLA LURVE
Bella: Creeper. Oh look Jacob! Come with me to the beach
Jacob: *slobbers*
Bella: Sooo, tell me everything you know about Eddie-kins.
Jacob: Well, they're cold, and like, sparkly, and we hate the entire beautiful family, and they're not allowed on our land. Now can we make some babies?
Bella: OMGOMGOMG I TOTALLY just figured it out! From that boring description! Edwards a vampire! *gasp*
Readers: Wait…how did you connect…?
Bella: Okay, time to go. Just leave, Jacob. C'mon Mike, I'll give you a kindly word if you drive me home
All guys, simultaneously: OKAY
…………………………………………………………………..
Bella: *is nearly raped*
Edward: *pulls up out of thin air in his magical car* GET IN HURRY
Bella: *staggers over, reminisces about the Edward, cries, and learns complex German (probably)* You're my HERO
Edward: You were nearly raped, so you need to calm me down
Bella: That isn't weird or controlling at all! Okay! I'm going to kill someone!
Edward: *freakily enough, he calms down* EAT NOW
Bella: So, you're a vampire
Edward: RIGHT I'M BAD STAY AWAY FROM ME I'LL KILL YOU
Bella: oh, romance!
Edward: By the way, I hate leaving you to suck blood from bunnies and kittens. But it must be done.
Readers: You're going…to…KISS…that mouth?
………………………………………….
Bella: I'm late I'm late oh crap I'm just going to stand here and freak out instead of DOING anything, which is actually what the entire book is like!
Edward: *pulls up* Lemme take you to school, babes.
Bella: SO ROMANTIC
…………………………………………….
(Lunchtime)
Bella: I'm so ORDINARY, even though every single guy wants me, you can't read my mind, and I'm freakishly tall and thin and can smell blood and…Oh, don't dazzle me
Edward: But I can't stop!
Bella: Silly! *playful rainbows dance overhead* STOP DAZZLING ME JERK
Edward: But I can't help it. And NO YOU CAN'T WATCH ME HUNT!
Bella: Darn.
…………………………………………………
Edward: Whatsyoureyecolorwhatdoyoueatareyouinlovewithmewhatsyourfavoritecolorwhatdoyoudoforalivingdoyouliketoeatkittenswhatcolorisyourhairwhatwasyourlifelikeinwashingtonwhatsyourfavoriteseason…
Bella: *responds to all these crap questions* OH MY FAVORITE GEM IS TOPAZ TODAY *blush*
Edward: Uhhh?
Bella: teehee it's the color of your eyes
Readers: *feel ill*
……………………………………………
Bella: oh jeez my date with Edward oh jeez. I'm not going to able to sleep. TIME TO BREAK OUT THE DRUGS.
Next morning: *arrives*
Bella: Oh what a wonderful day. I feel so relaxed and refreshed from my overdose!
Edward: Let's go hiking
Bella: By the way, I lied to everyone about where I would be. So you can, you know, take me into the forest and never return and nobody will ever suspect you
Edward: … Okay we're here, time to step into sunlight
*SPARKLE*
Bella: *very, very dazzled* Oh…my…GOD. Can…can I…can I…can I…can I TOUCH your HAND, my lordship?
Edward: Of course. But be careful, I might lose it and snap you like a twig.
Bella: Of course. Ooooh your eyes are warm and melty. And your breath is sweet and minty. And you sparkle like millions of facets on diamonds, or something.
Edward: I'm fast, strong, and amazing. Also I should leave, but you are like a drug. I can't stay away.
Readers: That would be a MAGNENT, idiot.
Bella: ROMANTIC
Edward: Take a ride on my back
Bella: *nearly vomits from speed* Oh, kiss me!
*They kiss. It's long and epic and dazzling and nothing like in real life. But it's okay, because the complete lack of reality is JUST LIKE the rest of the book.*
Edward: Let's go home. Did you know I watch you every night whilst you sleep? You have dreams about me, and Washington, as well as greenery.
Bella: Oh, not creepy at all!! Can we do, you know, IT sometime?
Edward: Well, I might kill you.
Bella: I see. How comforting. Now sing me to sleep.
……………………………….
Bella: hey let's meet your family
Cullens: *are met*
Edward: yeah, they're beast. Hey, listen to me play piano!
…………………………………..
Here, about nine chapters were omitted due to pointless crappy romance and obsessive stalking.
James: Hey, I'm about the nineteenth thing in this book that wants to take advantage/kill you!
Bella: Hey, my mother isn't here. WHAT IT WAS A TRAP!!!
Readers: No duh.
Bella: Gah. No don't attack me. I'm sad and defenseless.
James: Mwahahah
Edward: *saves*
That whole scene: *is really anticlimactic and really rather boring*
Bella: AN ANGEL
Edward: It's Edward, fool.
Bella: I don't want to go to the dance. I feel so STUPID. Oh jake let me fool around with you. Okay done. EDWARD I LOVE YOU
Edward: You too.
THE END