In the Maze of Bureaucracy
Tony strolled happily towards the entrance of NCIS Headquarters, having spent a long weekend just relaxing and watching DVDs after the latest ordeal with his car exploding, his friends mourning him and the Frog bossing him around. He still felt bad about what had happened with Jeanne, but after the three days he had spent resting, he was in a much better mood than before.
When he got to the gate, he started looking for his badge to show it the guard, only to be reminded of the fact that he still hadn't gotten it back. No problem, he'd just talk his way in then; he was good at giving speeches anyway.
"Hi… ahm… Bob, isn't it? I'm Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, and I work in there…" – He began with a charming smile, wishing the guard were a woman. He could always get women to do anything for him. – "You see, it's funny really, but I might have left my badge in the office yesterday… So…"
The man looked mildly bored as he motioned for Tony to follow him to the side, so that other agents – who had their badges and therefore didn't need to stop – could pass without him blocking the way.
"Name again?" – The man barked. Tony repeated it, and waited while the guard typed with two index fingers on the keyboard with the speed of a snail with major hangover. Tony was just about to ask the man to hurry up a bit when he heard a machine beeping with some kind of alarm signal. – "Sorry, sir. The computer says you're dead." – Said the guard in the same bored tone.
Tony rolled his eyes.
"But I clearly am not." – He answered.
"According to the computer, you are."
"Do you believe a computer over me?"
"Of course. Computers are never wrong."
The senior field agent was becoming exasperated.
"But it clearly is now, since I'm here: alive and well!"
"How do you know that?" – Asked the guard, his attention already on the others filing into the building, having dismissed Tony altogether.
"Hey! Don't go away! What now? I need to go in, my Boss is waiting for me! I can't be late!"
"How could you be late if you're dead?" – The man countered, without looking at him. – "I can give you a visitor's card, if you wish." – He added helpfully.
"So, you don't believe I'm alive but you can give me a visitor's card?" – The NCIS agent asked bewildered.
"Of course. You are here, are you not?"
"Ahm…"
"Do you want the card or not?"
"Yeah… Yeah, I want that."
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"How nice of you to join us, DiNozzo." – Said a decidedly grumpy Gibbs when Tony exited the elevator and stepped into the Squadroom.
Ziva looked at him curiously.
"Are you all right? You look run over."
"Run down, Zivaah. The expression is run down."
"Whatever. You look that."
"Yes, because they didn't want to let me in!" – He fumed, waving around his plastic card for everyone to see.
"Tony… Why did you need a visitor's card?" – Asked McGee, clearly confused.
"Because, McCurious, apparently I'm not alive enough for them to give me back my badge, that's why!" – Tony shouted, causing a young woman who had been walking behind him to yelp and jump back two steps to get away from the furious man.
Gibbs, who had been observing his senior field agent's anger until now, spoke up:
"We don't have time for this, DiNozzo. We got a case. Go and take care of the problem." – Seeing Tony stand there, looking positively lost, he barked: - "NOW!"
The young man hurried away, trying to come up with a solution. He soon ended up in the office of the HR department, sitting in front of an administrator. She was at least a woman, so Tony thought he should have more of a chance with her. He flashed his widest, most enthusiastic smile and said:
"Hi, I'm here to get my badge back." – He informed her, waiting for her to look up at him. It didn't happen though, she just continued typing and leafing through some papers on her desk. He tried again: - "Sorry, I'm here to—"
"I heard you the first time, sir. But as you can see, I'm in the middle of something right now. You need to wait a bit."
"Oh… okay…"
He waited, and waited and waited. After about fifteen minutes, she looked up with a very serious and professional expression and laced her fingers together on the table, indicating that she was ready to listen now – also, that she didn't and would never care about any kind of smile he could muster.
"So, what about your badge, sir?"
"I'm… khm… well, you see, it's a long story and I don't really know where to begin…"
"In the end, if it's possible. I have other tasks for today."
"Okay, well. I'm a special agent here, in Leroy Jethro Gibbs' Major Case Response Team, and my badge—"
"You have lost it."
"No, no! I just… it's true I don't have it right now but-"
"So, you have lost it."
"Not exactly."
"Then do you have it on you?"
"No… That's exactly what I'm trying to-"
"Then you lost it."
"Okay. Then I lost it. I'd like it back. Please."
"I can't go and look for it for you, sir. And this is not the 'Lost and Found' office either."
Tony needed all his willpower to keep himself from strangling her by now.
"I think it might be here though, because I didn't lose it. It was revoked!" – He said, gritting his teeth angrily.
"Revoked?" – She eyed him suspiciously. – "And why, if I may ask?"
He sighed.
"Because everyone thought I'd died."
"Oh! Then why didn't you begin with that?" – Tony opened his mouth to remind her how she had not listened to him but she cut him off again: - "Name?"
"Very Special Agent Anthony D. DiNozzo Jr." – He said, forcing a smile.
She typed it in then stared at the screen for a long while, hmmm-ing and heh-ing a few times.
"It says here that you are indeed dead, sir." – She said finally. – "That status still stands."
Tony took a deep breath to calm himself.
"Yes, but obviously, I'm alive."
"I can see that."
"And that's the problem, isn't it?"
"It's a problem that you're alive?"
"No, the problem is, that according to the computer, I'm not!" – He snapped.
"Oh. Yes." – She nodded and typed some more. She hmm-ed a couple of times again. – "Yes, it is a problem, because if you're dead, you can't have your badge back. That's quite clear."
"And if I'm not dead?"
"Then you can. That's clear too."
"So, now that I'm here, I can get it back?"
"No."
Tony was close to tears now.
"And why not?"
"Because the computer says you're dead."
"But I'm not."
"Computers are never wrong, sir."
The senior agent felt the urge to bang his head into the table.
"Then what do I do now?"
"You need to prove that you're alive."
"And how do I do that?"
"I don't really know. Do you have a driver's license?"
"Ahm… You see… it got burnt. When I 'died'. So it's gone."
"You lost it."
"No, it… Never mind."
"Then I'm afraid I can't help you. Maybe go and get another one and come back with it. If you show it to me, then I'll know you're alive."
"And then I'll get my badge back?"
"No, but then you can apply to work here. If you have the necessary education and work history, I could write you up for FLETC for next month if you hurry up and from then it only takes a few weeks to complete the-"
"WHAT!? But I work here already! Have for many years! I'm a senior field agent!" – He shouted, causing other administrators to stare at him in shock and a security guard to step closer in a threatening way. He continued more silently. – "I don't want to apply again and I certainly don't want to start from the beginning; I want to get back the badge I already have!" – He explained with forced patience.
"You can't work here now, because you're dead."
"But I'm not!"
"The computer says-"
"Fuck the computer, I'm-"
"Sir?" – The security guard grabbed his arm. – "I think it's time for you to leave."
"I'm not leaving, I want my badge back!" – He continued shouting and struggled to get free.
"I'll have to arrest you if you don't leave." – The guard warned.
"Well, you can't arrest me if I'm dead, can you?" – Mocked Tony but he soon found himself in cuffs nevertheless. – "Hey! You can't do that!"
"Of course I can. Dead or not: you're here, aren't you?"
With that, he was forcefully taken out of the building and to a police station where they put him into a cell. Protesting against it or trying to explain the situation didn't work at all.
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They had taken his fingerprint first thing when he had been brought in, and now he was sitting alone on the bench in a holding cell, trying to scratch the remaining ink off his hands when someone suddenly spoke to him.
"Sir, we ran your prints and the computer says you're dead." – Informed him the officer.
Tony looked up wearily, not particularly caring anymore.
"I know." – The policeman opened the cell and motioned for Tony to come out. – "What? You're just letting me go?" – He asked incredulously. After what he'd been through it was not what he had expected at all.
"Of course. We have enough on our hands with living criminals, I don't want to have to deal with dead ones too."
"I'm not dead." – Tried the NCIS agent hopefully.
"The computer—"
"I know. The computer says I am and computers are never wrong."
"Exactly."
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Tony had been walking on the streets aimlessly for a while, gathering his energy to enter a Customer Service Center and get a new driver's license. In the end, he took a deep breath and went inside. He took a number and waited for his turn, already bracing himself for the argument he knew would follow. Finally, he was called to a window.
"Sir, what can I help you with?" – Asked an elegantly dressed young man.
"Hello, I'm Anthony DiNozzo and I lost… well… yeah… lost my driver's license. In a fire. So, I'd like to get a new one."
"No problem. Let me just check very quickly… Aha, I can see, you've been driving for many years without problems according to the records. There shouldn't be… wait a minute. I don't understand… Let me check it again." – Tony had a feeling he knew what had caused the man to stop. He held his breath while the young man looked again. – "Sir, I'm sorry but it says here that you're dead."
Tony sighed in frustration.
"I know. But I'm not. I'd like to get my life back!" – He whined, sounding like a five-year-old throwing a tantrum in the middle of the store for chocolate.
"Dead people can't get their lives back. It doesn't work that way."
"But I'm not dead! The computer is wrong!"
"The computer is never wrong."
They stared at each other for a while, with Tony breathing heavily and the man regarding him curiously. It was understandable though, he had probably never had a dead man as a costumer before.
"So, let's just entertain the thought that I'm not dead and would like to get my life back. Theoretically." – He added quickly, seeing the man starting to protest. – "What should I do then?"
"You'd need a social security number and-"
"I have that. I can give it to you."
"No, you don't. You're dead, remember? You lost the number you had in your life."
Tony smiled grimly.
"How could I forget."
"So, you'd need to get a birth certificate first."
"I have one at home."
"It's useless. You're dead."
"So what do I do?"
"You get a new one. Here…" – The man pulled a thick folder from under his desk and pushed it towards Tony with difficulty through the narrow opening in the glass wall separating them. – "You can find all the documents you need to fill out and also a list of what you have to enclose to file your application."
Tony opened the file and looked through the forms.
"Date of birth can only begin with '20…' on this one." – He pointed out.
"Of course. This is the twenty-first century." – Answered the man as if Tony were stupid.
"But I was born in 1986!" – He insisted.
"It's impossible."
"Just why is it impossible?"
"Because then you wouldn't be applying for a birth certificate now."
Tony did a few calming breathing exercises Abby had thought him.
"I told you already: I have a birth certificate at home!"
"But you're dead. If you want to be born again, then it has to be now."
"And then how old do you think I am now, in 2018?"
"A newborn, I guess."
At that, Tony exploded.
"Do I look like a newborn to you… Adam?" – He demanded, glancing at the man's name tag.
"No. But you don't look to be dead either, so…"
"I'm not."
"But the computer says you are."
"Grrrr!" – With that, Tony jumped up and stomped out of the building.
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"… and now here I am." – Tony finished his long story and leaned back in the comfortable, leather armchair, resting his tired back and neck. He had decided to get some legal help with his problem, for he had become too tired of fighting with everyone. Let the lawyers do their jobs from now on.
The middle-aged man sitting on the other side of the enormous mahogany desk contemplated his new would-be client for a while, deep in thoughts.
"Mr. DiNozzo…"
"Yes?"
"Let's say I take your case. What's the guarantee that you can pay for my services?"
"What do you mean?" – Gaped Tony. – "I'm a special agent, I have a well-paying job! I can pay!"
"No. Right now you're a dead man without rights and money." – Reminded him the attorney. Trust lawyers to analyze and interpret the situation like that…
"But can't you bring me back to life?"
"Of course I can. I'm the best attorney in the entire city; I can do anything." – Said the man proudly, pulling himself up straighter and smiling just like he had for his last photoshoot when he'd done the leaflet featuring the attorney's office. He could jump right onto a magazine's cover, Tony thought.
"Then what's the problem? You bring me back and I'll be able to pay you."
"The problem is, Mr. DiNozzo…" – The lawyer leaned forward. – "… that you can't pay me an advance. And I don't work without at least some deposit."
"Oh… I can go into the bank and get it for you then."
"Fabulous idea; you do it."
"But then you'll help me, right?"
"Of course: I'm the best. I can do anything." – The man smiled again, showing all his teeth.
"Yeah, you already said that…"
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Tony was arguing with the teller in the bank.
"What do you mean my 'next of kin'? I'm right here!"
"But sir…" – Sighed the woman tiredly. – "… you're dead. Your account has been frozen until the next of kin comes with the right legal documents and then they can get the money."
"Don't you dare give my money to my father!" – He threatened. – "I'm here and I want it; I worked for it, it's mine. I want it right now!" – He even hit the counter for good measure but it only resulted in a hurting wrist. He rubbed it angrily and glared at the woman.
"Do you have any proof that you're alive?"
"Is it not proof enough that I'm here!?"
"No, because the computer says you're not."
"I hate computers!"
"But, sir, be reasonable: at least you won't have to pay taxes like that!" – She said brightly, as if she had announced Christmas would come early that year.
"And I guess I won't get any returns either, will I?" – Tony hissed sarcastically.
"Of course not. You're dead."
Tony felt like ranting and raving but instead, he quietly left. He didn't want to end up in a cell again because dead or not, he wasn't sure he'd be released so easily a second time.
As soon as he stepped out of the bank, his cell rang. Briefly wondering how he could still be called if he was dead, he answered it.
- DiNozzo, where the hell are you!? – Came the reprimand as soon as he pressed the button.
- Boss, it's a very long story… My situation is a bit more complicated than I thought and right now I-
- Then what are you waiting for!? Fix it!
With that, the line went dead. Tony stared at the devious device in disbelief.
'On it, Boss.' – He told the blank screen on his phone.
Then a sudden idea hit him and he quickly dialed.
- Fornell.
- Hey, it's Tony-
- DiNutso? I heard you're back from the dead.
- You see, there's the problem. I'm only halfway back.
- I don't understand.
- Me either. Listen, I need the FBI to give me an identity, forge documents, make them valid… you know the drill.
- An undercover operation again? So soon?
- Not exactly…
- What identity then?
- Anthony D. DiNozzo Jr.
- That's you.
- Yep.
- Then why…?
- Don't ask questions! Can you do it, or not?
- Of course I can. But what do I get in return?
- Ahm… Nothing?
- Wrong. If I help you, you won't get to insult me in front of your team for a whole month!
- A month!? Can't we make it a week?
- Nope.
- Two weeks.
- Three and that's my last offer. Otherwise you can stay you without your identity… Or whatever is going on.
- All right, all right. Three weeks then.
- Great. Meet you in ten.
Fornell had driven a hard bargain but who cared? Finally, he'd get his life back!
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Only two hours later Tony was the proud owner of an ID, driver's license and a birth certificate for Anthony D. DiNozzo Jr. With these, he had been able to withdraw his money in the bank and gotten back his badge and his gun as well. After some pleading, Jenny had granted him access to MTAC anew.
Life was good.
Since the rest of the team was gone (apparently, Gibbs had given up waiting for his senior field agent), he walked into Abby's lab to tell her his story. When he finished, he just sat on her desk, his feet dangling over the ground and admired his new credentials with childlike fascination. He'd had to work hard to get here today and he thought he deserved a reward or something for it. Or at least a bar of chocolate.
Abby just blinked.
"But Tony, why didn't you come to me right away? I could have hacked the system. With just two clicks you could have had everything this morning!"
There was a loud 'thud' as Tony hit the floor when he fell off the table.
The End