Author's Note: I have a dirty mind that imagines things while watching the anime/reading the manga. Set between Hakkai and Gojyo soon after their confrontation with Chin Yisou. As usual, enjoy.
Disclaimer: All aspects of Saiyuki belong to Minekura Kazuya. For all intensive purposes, the manga is where I get my impressions of the characters, which I obviously hold no claim over.
[Written from July 19th to August 7th of 2003]
[Last edited 8/14/15]
"The World Through a Monocle"
Darkness. The world has become covered with a black curtain, and no matter what Cho Gonou did, it was impossible to lift it. The only actions he could take was to move his hands faster, breathe heavier, grip the handle of his knife tighter before putting the steel blade to use. Ripping through precious veins, various body parts, and stopping only when the body pressed against him ceased breathing. Gonou seemed to be bathing in a pool of bodies. They continually took grip of him, bumped into him, and occasionally tried to run from him, but he was always faster than them, cutting off life with a swift stroke of his knife, and then moving on without a second thought.
Besides the continual fall of bodies against his person, Gonou was aware of a deep gnawing pain within his heart that seemed to be less and less the more his arm played God, and painted the darkness surrounding him with rich crimson. It seemed to be a never-ending dream until a familiar voice spoke out, twisting into a single ray of light that shattered the madness that had taken hold of his mind, and wrought his conscious forth.
"Gonou?"
Kanan. His sister. His beloved. His lover. The other half of his soul was the reason he had let the darkness claim him so fully, and why he was in the strange place he was now. Relief flooded him, and within a moment, he was at the bars of his beloved's cell, clutching at her in fear that she was just an illusion that would soon disappear, but Kanan was real, flesh and blood, something he could once again protect.
There was a hand at his side, and Gonou looked on in confusion as Kanan raised the knife to her stomach, spoke words that would forever echo in his heart, and plunged the sharp steel into her body, erasing her existence from the world.
The man sleeping across the room from him drew deep heavy breaths, a slight drawl indicating that Gojyo was snoring lightly, but snoring nonetheless. For all of the half-breed's denials, and sharp-tempered responses, once a fact was proven, such as the man's snoring, it could not be so easily shoved aside. Hakkai himself was awake, his gaze fixed on the shadows of the raindrops that fell oh so heavily outside the hotel room window, the pounding noise making it difficult for him to find slumber.
He was envious of Gojyo's ability to sleep soundly, his past remaining safely buried in his subconscious instead of being summoned to the forefront as Hakkai's had a habit of doing. The rain whispered to him lowly of what actions he had taken after his beloved Kanan had been taken by yokai, of how much blood had been shed until he had gotten a glimpse of her again. But his promise of protecting her from harm, of staying close to her for as long as possible, was proven false. He had been too late in arriving, and as a result, her life was added to the vast mix of those who had died within the night.
His memory was itself very unreliable for the only thing Hakkai remembered was darkness, endless darkness, and the rain that had poured upon him as he had neared the Hyakugan Maoh clan's castle wherein Kanan was supposed to be held. When he'd come upon Kanan's oddly somber figure, his consciousness had returned, and when she had committed suicide before his very eyes, he could only hold on to the bars of the prison she had been held in until the presence of Chin Yisou, the son of Hyakugan Maoh, had become apparent.
Hakkai, launching himself at Chin Yisou, did not comprehend the chilling words the demon had spoken beforehand, only focused on his intent of extinguishing Chin's life like all the other demons he had come across, but the demon's claws had ravaged his person, wounding him greatly to the point where Hakkai could only fight to stay conscious, and keep his insides from falling outwards where they did not belong.
He was about to fall into the comforting darkness that had began to surround him, the heavy falling sound of blood, and the almost metallic odor of the crimson liquid started him as a greater pain prodded at him, twisting his body mercilessly, shifting itself into something unnatural.
He remembered putting his newly adopted claws to good use before a bright light had briefly seized him, and deposited him on the forest floor that Gojyo would find him laying upon hours later. Hakkai had been sure he was going to die then, laying amongst the dirt, leaves, and grime of the forest. His arm was soaked in blood, pressing against the wound on his stomach in an attempt to stop the bleeding that refused to cease flooding, his thoughts too dazed to realize that he was greatly changed from the person he had been when he had entered the Hyakugan Maoh's castle.
There were footfalls, so close Hakkai had thought he was merely imagining them. A light kick proved him wrong as he had looked up, smiling lightly at the figure whose features he could barely perceive in the blackness that surrounded them before finally surrendering, either to life or death. He cared not which.
The guilt of Kanan's death, and all those other yokai never was far from Hakkai's mind, and as he stood by the window of the hotel room, eyes following the falling raindrops, he unconsciously looked upon his hands, smiling at the still visible black line Goku had drawn upon the lifeline of his hand only two days ago, unknowingly lifting some of the burden he carried.
Wishing he could see the mark a bit more clearly since his right eye's vision was less than satisfying and murkier than he wished it, Hakkai lowered his hands, and looked back to the water that kept falling from the heavens above, silently answering the lowly whispers of the foul weather with a piercing glare, and very carefully picked curses.
As he was heading back to the cot that had been set up across the bed near the window, a tan hand grasped his shoulder, and curiously Hakkai looked towards Gojyo's figure, who was gazing at him with a carefully neutral expression, though he spied a thread of worry in Gojyo's eyes, and Hakkai spoke softly, breaking the silence that had spread between them, "I am sorry if I woke you, Gojyo. It was only that during weather such as this, slumber is a bit hard fo-"
I know, Hakkai. I'm well aware of your sleeping habits. Besides, I was having a bad dream anyway," Gojyo said simply, treating Hakkai with a knowing grin, his hands beginning to automatically seeking his packet of cigarettes. Within a moment, Gojyo was contentedly puffing away on his cigarette, sparing a glance towards the rainy window before settling his gaze on Hakkai.
"You and Sanzo never can sleep easily on nights like these, can you? Makes it wonder if I should have roomed with the stupid monkey instead. That way, you and the droopy-eyed monk could brood together," Gojyo announced, his tone a light teasing one, letting Hakkai catch on to the fact that Gojyo was trying to make Hakkai feel better without being obvious about it.
Gently settling next to Gojyo on the bed, Hakkai smiled, looking onto the figure of Hakuryu curled comfortably at the end of his cot before meeting Gojyo's level gaze in confusion as Gojyo reached out and grasped both of his hands without looking. Intentionally, Gojyo looked down at them, and after making a show of examining, turning the two smooth-skin hands every so often.
He held them for a brief moment, speaking softly yet very firmly at the same time, "I don't see anything. No blood, no slight residue telling of your past actions so why do your eyes always veer towards them when you're brooding?" Slightly stunned by both Gojyo's words and steady questioning gaze boring into his eyes, Hakkai pulled his hands away but found them held immobile by Gojyo's surprising strength.
"I want an answer, Hakkai, and I won't relinquish your hands until you honestly give me a reply. If you don't bring your past up occasionally, it's going to consume your mind until it's all you will be able to think of. You'll not be able to avoid me, not this time, Hakkai."
His brow narrowing in slight anger, Hakkai felt his eyes darken as he observed the determined body language of his friend, the set shoulders, the ever-increasing pressure applied to his bound hands. Hakkai sighed, the exhalation of breath both a sigh of surrender and exasperation. Knowing his voice held some unchecked bitterness, Hakkai swallowed his first wave of words, and voiced the second wave, knowing it was less scorned filled than the first.
"Kanan once said my hands were beautiful, and then remarked that though it was weird to call a man beautiful, she still agreed with her statement. When I stormed that castle intent on getting her back, I stained them, I ruined the appearance of the hands my beloved had called beautiful. Every time I look upon them, I still see all the blood I shed that night. They're tainted, dirty. So heavy with blood, I don't think I can ever wash them clean. And I keep bathing them in blood needlessly…"
The rest of Hakkai's words faded away as a tan thumb rubbed useless circles in the middle of one of his palms, and curiously, Hakkai looked over at Gojyo who seemed unaware of his soothing action, sitting back against the wall as he was, his eyes closed, and the cigarette he had been smoking but a moment ago burning, its lifespan dwindling away between two of Gojyo's fingers. His entire figure, clothed in a simple black tank, and medium length shorts, seemed to be at peace, relaxed though a line of tension had developed in the middle of the man's back and shoulders, belying the casual stance of Gojyo's body.
It was no wonder Gojyo had no trouble-coaxing women into his bed. His hair and eyes were exotic enough to attract attention, and he kept himself in good physical condition, mostly from all the conflicts with various yokai and the like. It was the eyes Hakkai was fond of, the long black lashes that ended in two different lines, contrasting sharply with the man's crimson eyes, which used to remind him of blood but now only served a source of comfort, the friendliness held within the eyes something he could depend upon.
Though Hakkai had never mentioned his appreciation of Gojyo's features out loud, as he watched Gojyo opened his eyes, finally taking notice of the silence that had stretched between them, and of the lingering gaze of Hakkai's on his face. His friend scoffed shortly, still not putting rest to the endless caressing against Hakkai's left palm before raising one of his hands, and grounding out the cigarette which had just been about to turn completely to ashes.
"If that's true, then just accept it, the bloodstained hands that will never come clean. It's a kill or be killed world we live in, and I'd rather you live than die needlessly by one of the random yokai we come across in our travels.
"As it is, sin is something that one must decide for themselves. I don't consider you a murderer, Hakkai. Your actions were justified, and if you hadn't undertaken them, I would never had had the chance to meet you that night," Gojyo mentioned, his words striking a chord as Hakkai recalled the feel of the rain-soaked ground, his dirtied clothes, and the wound across his stomach that still ached from time to time even though it had healed long ago.
Smiling lightly, despite the sadness that possessed him briefly, Hakkai thought of the jagged scar that wound had become then leaned more heavily against Gojyo's shoulder, finding the man's fingers moving about against his hands more and more alleviating. "I consider what I did sinful no matter how much logic I try to balance against my actions. So many yokai, not to mention humans lost their lives, and my life forever changed with the execution of those lives. My crimes may have been forgiven with Cho Gonou's death, but Cho Hakkai remembers them all too clearly."
Gojyo's skilled hands moved from Hakkai's hands to his wrists, wringing a sound of quiet appreciation from Hakkai before he could suppress it. He found it odd Gojyo made no comment about it. He had closed his eyes once again, and as he spoke, Gojyo readjusted his legs, crossing them, and dragging Hakkai's hands lightly into his lap so he could continue his massage.
"As long as you remember them, and don't attempt to atone for your past actions since I doubt it would turn out pleasantly. Besides, who else would take the time to be concerned for that stupid-ass monkey, and that droopy-eyed monk?"
Chuckling underneath his breath, Hakkai cast a brief glance at Gojyo whose face held smugness and a thread of relief. He settled back against Gojyo's shoulder, and closed his own eyes. "Not to mention you," Hakkai replied and before he could stop the words from slipping out, "especially you."
The fingers had been working on his forearms suddenly stilled, and it was with more dread than curiosity that Hakkai opened his eyes in time to catch the stunned look on Gojyo's face that slowly shifted into comprehension. He very gently lifted Hakkai's hands from his lap, and placed them near their rightful owner's. Before Hakkai could voice an apology, Gojyo turned to face him, raising one hand to cup the left side of Hakkai's face whilst the other hand busied itself with clutching Hakkai's chin.
Ever since their two paths had met, there had been a sense of comradely between them, and beyond that, a certain sort of affection that both acknowledged but had never willingly embraced it. While staring into the depths of the Gojyo's eyes, Hakkai was stunned to find that there was a passion within them, a longing that had long been present, but one that Hakkai had purposely avoided just like the occasional needful glances Gojyo cast at him when he was sure no one was watching.
"Did you mean that?" Knowledgeable of just what words Gojyo was referring to, Hakkai found he couldn't lie, didn't want to deny that sometimes he had wanted to return those needful looks Gojyo sent him. Because Hakkai wasn't sure if his voice would come steady, he nodded once, and that seemed to sooth whatever doubts Gojyo was having.
Unaware of where this night may have lead, Hakkai leaned forward, the hands on his person releasing after a moment as he collapsed against Gojyo's chest, and soon enough, Gojyo held him closely, resting his chin on Hakkai's left shoulder softly, sighing in contentment that Hakkai echoed softly. The rain outside the nearby window continued to pound against the roof above the inn they had entered hours before, sounding increasingly like tiny fingers drumming endlessly.
For once, the sound of the bad weather didn't wrought forth any memories of his past, and in appreciation, Hakkai raised his head and lightly kissed Gojyo's cheek. Before he could retreat, Gojyo gripped his chin and pressed his mouth to Hakkai's, at first softly then after a loaded moment with more desperation as if Gojyo's restraint was slowly coming undone.
Not completely unhappy with his friend's advance, Hakkai made no complaint when the man's mouth slipped from his own, and onto his neck, teasing gently, nipping occasionally as Gojyo's mouth worked down the length of Hakkai's throat, which tore a sharp gasp from Hakkai when Gojyo bit down on the junction just above one of his shoulder blades. Gojyo smiled to himself before he pressed Hakkai to the bed, going to all fours above Hakkai, one hand starting to lift the plain white shirt that covered his upper torso.
Realizing that Gojyo did indeed want to go further, most likely to the extreme, Hakkai started, grasping the hand that had just began to extract his nightshirt from his body. "Wait, wait just a moment. We- we can't do this, not now," he said, the words coming out more as a plea than the steadiness Hakkai had wanted to inflict his tone with. The body above him went motionless, the shirt Gojyo had grasped falling back to where it once was, and as Hakkai watched, darkness seemed to fill the depths of Gojyo's eyes.
He's angry, Hakkai thought quietly to himself, resisting the urge to sit up completely and back away a few inches, so startled was Hakkai at the expression on Gojyo's face. "Too much, too fast?" he asked, the grin that had overtaken Gojyo's lower face more a bearing of teeth than an actual smile, and it took Hakkai a few moments to find the words he needed to attempt to stave Gojyo off, and not further anger the man.
"No, that's not it. It's just that we don't have everything necessary to follow through with an activity such as sex, yes?" The darkness in Gojyo's eyes faded out and Hakkai could almost hear the gears start to grind in Gojyo's mind as the crimson eyes glanced over the bed they lay on, and focused on the slumbering form of Hakuryu. "You're not the first man I've wanted to sleep with, Hakkai. There are other things besides lube which can be used to prepare someone."
Gojyo's gaze flicked back to meet Hakkai's, and the tension that had eased away once Gojyo had begun kissing Hakkai flooded back, filling the muscles, and drawing Gojyo's back taunt as Hakkai watched his friend soundlessly. "Do you trust me?"
The simple question wasn't what made Hakkai's breath run out of his body, rather the hurt and uncertainly that had laced the question. The man settled above him had saved his life more than three years ago, not to mention however many times during their journey west. A genuine smile overtaking his mouth, Hakkai quietly answered yes before reaching out and pulling Gojyo forward, kissing Gojyo firmly, making it clear that whatever his friend did, Hakkai had complete trust in him.
While Gojyo took to exploring Hakkai's mouth, the man's hands moved Gojyo downwards, focusing on doing away with Hakkai's pants rather than his shirt, which was the better route anyway as Hakkai's arms were firmly situated on the back of Gojyo's neck. Gojyo deposited Hakkai's pants on the floor, and Hakkai begin moving his hands, exploring the body so close to him, experimenting on what effected Gojyo and what did not in an oddly scientific way.
When Gojyo moaned softly as Hakkai caressed his stomach, he smiled to himself, pulling one hand across the length of Gojyo's ribs, this time using his nails lightly, leaving faint red lines that disappeared a moment later. One tan hand gripped hold of Hakkai's hands, binding the two of them together, and belatedly, Hakkai realized Gojyo was near panting, so unsteady was his breathing. "Unless you're going to take the dominant role, don't do that again."
A bit stunned that Gojyo would even allow Hakkai to switch their roles, he stared stupidly at him before speaking, the tone inflicted with disbelief, "Truly?"
Gojyo looked down at Hakkai sharply, his gaze more full of curiosity than shock. His one free hand fell away from Hakkai's body, and after a moment of measuring the expression on Hakkai's face, he smiled or maybe leered was the more appropriate word. "Where is your mind heading tonight? You're saying that you would rather be in control than let me have full reign of your body. Interesting. I would be surprised but given the fact I've seen you in action during fights, you do like to have the upper hand, no pun intended."
Instead of blushing like expected, Hakkai rose up, freeing his hands from Gojyo's single one with ease, the expression on his face deadly serious and determined. His hands quickly worked at getting rid of the few articles of clothing that clothed Gojyo's person, while Gojyo remained passive, moving when needed, a bit shocked that Hakkai was indeed intent on overtaking the dominant role. Wondering for a brief instant whom had been in control in Hakkai's relationship with Kanan, Gojyo inhaled sharply as a wandering hand brushed against his left thigh.
It was odd, handling Gojyo's body, all of it seemed so familiar and alien at the same time since this was the first time Hakkai had ever attempted to sleep with a person of the same sex. Yet without even seeking Gojyo's assistance, he knew exactly what action to take next, what area to caress, what spot would make Gojyo's breathing sharpen.
Hell, Hakkai even knew what to replace the lube they didn't have. As he leaned down to nibble on Gojyo's neck, he had a brief flashback of doing the same with someone else, someone who resembled his friend so closely, but had short-cropped hair instead of Gojyo's long crimson locks.
Before pressing his mouth to Gojyo's, Hakkai whispered softly, aware Gojyo's breathing was slightly erratic, and it would take a few breaths for him to respond, "Does this seem familiar to you at all? I don't know how or why, but I know how to do this even though I've never attempted it before."
As Hakkai watched, Gojyo pulled away from his mouth, and thought for a moment before his expression took on one of bewilderment. "A bit, yes, though it was with someone else with glasses instead of a monocle. You look the same as him oddly enough."
Nodding to himself as Hakkai gently gripped Gojyo's manhood, he worked his hand before lifting his other hand to his mouth to thoroughly lick a few fingers and placed those wet digits near a certain opening, and prodded it gently. When Hakkai brushed against a particular spot inside, Gojyo's back arched up from the bed, and his face flushed red, adding more color to the already tan flesh.
Smiling to himself in half satisfaction and smugness, Hakkai continued stretching Gojyo gently, all the while lowering his mouth to Gojyo's groin, intent on getting the man to reach his climax, which didn't take long as after a few well-placed strokes of his tongue. Gojyo shuddered, his body moving minutely as a warm liquid spread across the length of Hakkai's free hand.
Not one to let things go to waste, Hakkai gathered some of Gojyo's release, and used it as a makeshift lubricant after making sure that Gojyo was indeed all right and was ready for him. Mutely nodding, Gojyo braced himself for the pain, but as most of the muscles in his body had gone lax, there was almost no resistance for Hakkai to push through. Hakkai waited a moment before setting an almost-fever pitched pace, one in which the sound of flesh hitting flesh was clearly audible.
It was clearly unexpected. Gojyo writhed underneath him, lost in a torrent of pleasure that was almost painful to bear, but after Hakkai hit the end of his passage, prompting his vision to black out for a moment, Gojyo didn't care in the least how rough Hakkai was, and spurred him on, falling into the rhythm in which Hakkai was pounding into him with considerable ease.
There was a brief vision that overtook Gojyo of being pressed against a desk with someone that had the basic features of Hakkai who rode him with nearly the same pace, and before he could clearly discern the man's face, the vision shattered, and pleasure reigned once again.
His ears all but deaf to the sounds he and Gojyo were making, Hakkai continued his pace, not feeling the sharp bite of nails raking down his back more than a few times. Hakkai lowered his face towards Gojyo's neck, nibbling on a spot for a moment before his body surrendered, and black and white streamers filled his vision. As the last of his climax overtook Hakkai, his teeth bit down on the side of Gojyo's neck, drawing blood in one spot. He lapped up the blood in apology, and Gojyo shuddered underneath him, having gone through his own climax, the moan that came out of his mouth reassuring Hakkai that he hadn't truly hurt Gojyo during the physical activity.
Trying to steady his breath, Hakkai laid a gentle kiss against the bite on Gojyo's neck before pulling reluctantly out of Gojyo and turning to lie on the left side of Gojyo's body, bending upwards to briefly rid the two of them of any remaining bodily fluids with a corner of the sheet. Swallowing a long sigh, Gojyo turned onto his side, and Hakkai smiled, his face one of contentment.
"And you say you've never done this kind of thing before?" Shaking his head briefly, Gojyo laughed, pulling Hakkai close for a quick kiss, and whispered 'liar,' against his lips before Gojyo pulled away to collect their clothes from the floor.
"I was not lying, Kenren. Honestly, if you can't trust me, who can y-" His eyes going wide, Hakkai stared stupidly at Gojyo's suddenly immobile figure, and the man turned equally-wide eyes back towards him. "What did you say?"
Vying for the name proved difficult as Hakkai had no idea he said it until Gojyo had gone still and tense like that. Gojyo brought their clothes back to the bed, and Hakkai whispered the name so softly, Gojyo had to ask Hakkai to repeat it once more. "Kenren…"
"Why does that name give me goosebumps, and leave a bad distinctly bad taste in my mouth? Have you ever heard that name before, Hakkai?" Confused, Hakkai mutely shook his head, and as he pulled on his pants, there was a brief vision of a disorganized library with a man with short-cropped hair tied to a chair with someone petite standing beside him, laughing happily despite the unpleasant look on the mysterious man's face.
Coming back to himself as Gojyo inhaled sharply, his hand pressed against the bite Hakkai had left on the right side of his throat, Hakkai looked downwards, embarrassed that he had done such a thing. Hakkai stood up and pulled Gojyo down beside him on the edge of the bed. "Unless you want the others to know about this new development in our relationship, I'll make use of my chi to heal it, all right?"
Seeing Gojyo shrug one shoulder, Hakkai concentrated briefly before a small bright white ball gathered in the palm of his hand, and after directing it towards the bite, it slowly disappeared though. After his chi has disappeared, Gojyo claimed he could still feel it, which was not unusual as some pain still existed after he healed minor wounds.
As Hakkai was heading back to his cot, Gojyo took hold of his wrist, pulling him back towards the bed, and before Hakkai could protest had tucked amongst the covers, and positioned him Gojyo's right shoulder. "What if Sanzo or Goku finds us like this?"
Gojyo was silent for a loaded moment before he cast an affectionate glance at Hakkai, tucked against his person as he was. Gojyo grinned widely, nuzzling Hakkai's cheek before speaking, his tone full of confidence, and a hint of possession. "Who cares if they do? Let them be jealous if they want. All I know is that I'm not letting this go anytime soon. We've been waiting too long as it is. Besides, they don't see the world through a monocle like you do."
Hakkai smiled against Gojyo's shoulder, and as he fell into the abyss of sleep, the past made no reappearance on his consciousness. For once, despite the storm that continued to rage outside, he was at peace. As Gojyo had said, seeing the world through a monocle gave one a certain perspective, one that looked onward into the future with a certainty that despite the dangers that lay ahead, everything was going to be all right in...
THE END