Warnings: Angst and sex. Also this is unbeta'ed. I'm going to put this under the oneshot category for now but I am attempting to write a sequel.
Fix You
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
...
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
- Coldplay
Kurt can't believe he let Mercedes talk him into this. Any other weekend he would have been completely up for a movie night with his best friend but all the Blaine drama of last week had left him feeling depressed and with no other wish than to barricade himself inside his room and forget about the outside world for a little while. Kurt had thought that Blaine of all people would be able to understand and relate to his inexperience and insecurity over sex. No that would just be too easy. Instead he finds out that if he ever does acquire a lover and manages to get through sex he will more than likely have to worry about whether he will scare them away with his constipated O-face. Great self-esteem booster there, Blaine.
So despite his less than perfect week Kurt can't help but feel guilty when he receives a text from Mercedes reminding him that they have a movie date. He had canceled on her last weekend because of some Warbler thing and he just didn't have the heart to cancel on her again. Kurt sighs and checks the time on his dashboard. He left the house at a quarter past six to give himself enough time for the twenty minute drive as well as to order the requisite over priced popcorn that he and Mercedes always split the bill on. Sure enough when he pulled into the packed parking lot there was still 15 minutes to spare before the movie started and he could see Mercedes waiting for him by the ticket kiosk, hands waving emphatically and with a big grin on her face.
After parking, Kurt made an effort to smile as he strode toward Mercedes. He didn't want to ruin their evening being pouty over Blaine.
"Oh my god look at you boy! I swear you get skinnier and skinnier every time I see you! They do feed you at that prep school, right? You're nothing but bones!"
Mercedes hugged him tight and playfully nudged at his ribs but Kurt batted her hands away even though he couldn't contain a happy sigh as he looked at his friend fondly and intertwined their arms.
"God I do miss you 'Cedes. Every time I think about New Directions and all the Rachel Berry ass we could be kicking together it makes me wish I was still at McKinley."
"You're telling me. Ever since the whole Finn breakup she's really upped the ante on the whole crazy scale. Then again it's not like I have to tell you. I mean you saw how she was at that hot mess of a party."
Kurt's face immediately went sour as Rachel Berry and Blaine Anderson kissing began to play in agonizing detail in his head. "Yeah. I remember."
Mercedes gave Kurt's arm a squeeze. "Now we're going to have none of that. I know that boy has been driving you crazy but tonight is not about him, right?"
Kurt gave her a half smile as she pulled on his arm to get in line for tickets. "Right."
After they both paid for the seven o'clock showing, they headed inside to the concessions counter.
"Oh my god look at this line!"
The line for concessions was forever and a lifetime long. Mercedes looked up at Kurt, "You want to just forget about the popcorn? We're going to get shit seats if we don't hurry."
Kurt looked back at the line. Truth was Kurt hadn't eaten anything for lunch and he had really been counting on a little popcorn to tide him over til after the movie. "Actually why don't you go save me a seat that way we both don't wait in line, ok?"
Mercedes nodded. "Ok but hurry up or you'll miss the beginning." She flashed him one last smile before disappearing into the crowd.
Kurt turned his attention back to the line in front of him. He was looking at a good fifteen minute wait at least. As his eyes wandered idly around the open area that strange feeling you get when you are being watched suddenly hit Kurt. His eyes scanned the room until a set of hazel eyes met his own. It took a minute to register why that gaze sent a shiver through Kurt's frame but the knowledge of exactly whose gaze it was soon followed and Kurt was quick to avert his eyes. Of all the people to run into on a night that was supposed to be stress-free, it would be just Kurt's luck to run into his former tormentor. What a perfect end to an already shit week. Kurt chanced another glance at Dave Karofksy and felt his face go red as the boy in question was still staring at him with a strange expression that Kurt couldn't interpret as he talked to someone facing away from him. Annoyed at his reaction to Karofsky, Kurt folded his arms across his chest defensively and tilted his chin up almost as a challenge. Kurt wasn't at McKinley anymore and he was certainly not going to let himself be intimidated.
That is until he saw Karofsky end his conversation and then begin to move pointedly in Kurt's direction, his intense gaze never once wavering, and just like that it was like Kurt was back in that locker room at McKinley High with those hands cupping his face and those lips on his lips making him feel things he was not ready to feel. He hadn't told anyone, not even Blaine, how many times his thoughts drifted to his first kiss. How the look in Karofsky's eyes after he'd pushed him away the second time, that look of pure anguish and loss had haunted Kurt for months. Was still haunting him if he was honest with himself. Just like last time Kurt was rooted to the spot. He could only watch with mounting trepidation as Karofsky walked over until he stood directly in front of him.
"Can I talk to you?" The hesitancy in Dave's voice took Kurt by surprise.
Kurt rolled his shoulders back and finally broke eye contact. "I don't know, 'can' you? As far as I remember you were never the most verbose of trolls."
A beat of silence passed and then, "Kurt please, I, I, need to speak with you."
The crack in Dave's speech and the desperation in his voice made Kurt return his gaze to the jock in front of him, eyes wide as he took in the pain evident on his face. Since when did Karofsky have feelings other than rage? He took a few more seconds to glance over the obviously nervous boy and noted the circles underneath his eyes that clearly suggested a lack of sleep and the almost timid way he hunched his shoulders. The threatening air that usually emanated from the bigger boy was completely absent and Kurt found himself standing taller in response.
When Kurt nodded his head slowly in assent, it was clear that Dave understood this was as close to a 'yes' as he was going to get because he turned on his heel and gestured with his head that Kurt should follow him. Following at a measurable distance Kurt saw Karofsky stop before the entrance of a movie auditorium and look back at Kurt motioning once again before pushing past the double doors.
Kurt watched as the doors swung shut and then whispered to himself, "What am I doing?", but before he could give too much thought to that question he felt his legs moving purposefully forward until he too was pushing past the double doors and walking into the darkened auditorium.
Kurt stood still for a moment to let his eyes adjust to the lack of light but it wasn't long before he was looking nervously around him for Karofsky. He walked fully into the empty auditorium and squinted up at the empty seating before he cleared his throat, "Where are you?"
"Over here." Kurt flinched and whipped around to find Karofsky behind the curtain just below the movie screen with his arm holding the curtain open to reveal a lighted room just beyond.
"What are you doing?"
"I can't turn on the lights in the auditorium but there's a storage room back here with a light so..."
Kurt's mouth gaped open. "How in the hell do you know about this place?"
A blush visible even to Kurt who was still standing more than a few feet back colored Karofsky's cheeks before he muttered, "Azimio's uncle owns the theatre. I sometimes work here when their understaffed."
Kurt took a few seconds to process this information and then another several seconds where he seriously reconsidered following Karofsky. What was he thinking? This was the same guy who had threatened to kill him for christ's sake!
His train of thought must have been written plainly across his face because Karofsky was quick to fumble out reassurance. "Hummel, I don't want to hurt you and I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to do. I can't, I won't do that anymore. So I'm going to go stand at the opposite end of this room and when you're ready you can come in, ok?"
Kurt didn't nod or say anything and instead watched as Karofsky let the curtain fall and he was once again faced with a choice. Karofsky had given him another chance to change his mind. Another chance to walk out of this auditorium and pretend like they had never seen each other. Another chance to run.
The only problem was when given the choice he didn't feel like running. He was tired of running. Tired of letting his fear rule his life. And whatever this was with Karofsky. He needed it to be over.
So in that frame of mind he pulled the curtains back and stepped tentatively into the storage room and true to his word there was Karofsky, hands clutched firmly behind his back as he leaned against the far wall. A mixture of disbelief and relief washed over Karofsky's face as Kurt straightened and looked over at him expectantly.
A moment of awkward silence passed where Karofsky merely stared at Kurt as if he had never in his wildest dreams believed that Kurt would follow him past that curtain.
"Ok Karofsky. I'm here. Talk."
Karofsky blinked and looked down but not before Kurt saw another flash of pain in his eyes.
"Dave."
"What?"
"My name. Is Dave." Karofsky looked back up at him and Kurt was taken aback by the unshed tears he saw in the jock's bright eyes. Kurt's neutral expression never faltered and he completely ignored the confusing pang he felt in his chest.
"I needed to tell you. That-" Dave's voice broke for a second and it was unnerving to Kurt to realize how close to full on sobbing the other boy was. "That I'm sorry, Kurt."
"You're sorry?" Kurt waited for Karofsky to expound but the boy merely nodded and brushed fiercely at the few lone tears that had rebelliously fallen down his cheeks.
Kurt felt his anger begin to bubble up at the other boy's continued silence.
"Sorry for what, Karofsky? Sorry for the slushie facials and for irreparably damaging countless articles of clothing? Sorry for pushing me into lockers so hard that almost 99.9% of the time you left me on my knees? Sorry for stealing my first kiss and any chance I have of ever forgetting you? Sorry for the death threat resulting in me having no other choice but to transfer schools? I just want it to be absolutely clear as to what exactly you are so sorry for?"
"Everything. All of it. I'm so sorry." Tears were falling freely now down Karofsky's face as he looked beseechingly at Kurt.
Kurt's anger however had only just reached its boiling point. "Well isn't that just convenient? The homo's not around anymore to threaten your normal, heterosexual way of life and suddenly you want to grow a conscience?"
Karofsky shook his head violently. "No! I'm not-this has nothing to do with that. I never should have done or said those things to you. I never thought this would get so out of control and I never wanted you to leave. I've missed you, I -"
"You've missed me?" The incredulity in Kurt's tone made Karofsky flinch and the jock couldn't hold back the sobs that were now making his whole body shake in frustration. "Fuck! This is coming out all wrong! I was tired of running, I am tired of running Kurt. Tired of pretending to be something I'm not. Tired of wanting someone to know. I wanted you to know. And this is so messed up and I know it's all my fucking fault but I want to fix it. I know I can never make you forget but I want to make things right between us. I don't want you to hate me forever, Kurt."
Karofsky's words hung in the air between them and Kurt's anger vanished almost as quickly as it came. He was so very tired. "You can't fix everything, Dave."
Karofsky suddenly fell to his knees his arms wrapping around his stomach as he doubled over. Kurt felt guilt overwhelm him as he looked down at the state of the boy before him and on instinct Kurt closed the distance between them and knelt down opposite Karofsky to hesitantly trace soothing circles into his hunched back. "I don't hate you." Kurt had whispered so low that Kurt was sure the other boy couldn't possibly have heard him.
The gesture, however, did not go by unnoticed by Karofsky and before Kurt knew what was happening he was pulling Kurt forward blindly and burying his face in Kurt's shirt while his arms clung desperately to the smaller boy's back. Kurt let out a small exclamation of surprise as he looked down at the short curls pressed up against his chest. He could feel Karofsky's tears dampening his button-up but he did nothing to extricate himself from the other boys grasp but neither did he make any move to encourage him. After a few minutes, Karofsky must've taken this lack of response as a positive sign because he started to adjust himself so that his body was more fully in contact with Kurt's. Kurt still made no movement. It was strange but he almost felt as if he was testing himself. To see just how far he could let himself go before his flight response kicked into full gear. Intimacy was something Kurt had been very vocally uncomfortable with as of late. He had told Blaine that he was not ready to talk about sex or even do anything more intimate than holding hands but somehow here he was with Dave Karofsky of all people, letting the other boy touch him in a way that nobody ever had before. This had nothing to do with sex though. Kurt knew what sex looked like from watching 'those movies' and this was definitely too messy and emotionally fucked to ever lead to anything sexual. Kurt was doing nothing but comf-OH MY GOD KAROFSKY HAS A HARD ON.
Karofsky whimpered when Kurt's hands both grabbed hold of a fistful of curls each and pulled so that the other boy was now looking at Kurt with equal parts of shame, anguish and lust mingling on his splotchy tearstained face. Kurt was at a loss for words and then before he could filter himself, his insecurities surfaced, "Why?"
Karofsky looked at Kurt disbelievingly and when he spoke his voice was gravelly and hoarse from crying, "You're crazy, Hummel.", and with that he softly reached up and pressed his lips to the underside of Kurt's jaw. Kurt felt himself slowly going numb with each loving press of lips to skin that Karofsky used to map a perfect line across his jawline. The fact that Kurt did not like to be touched, that he really most definitely did not like this one bit, for some reason seemed to be less and less important as his body responded accordingly to every kiss. Kurt stiffened in Karofsky's grip once and for only a second when he felt the other boy's fingers skimming the top of his skinny jeans but as soon as he felt the other boy's lips hover over his own he lost the ability to think once again. Karofsky's kiss was nothing like the first time. Where the first kiss had been hard and bruising this second was nothing but a series of soft gentle brushings of lips that made Kurt ache for more contact. When Kurt began to squirm Karofsky's breathe became even more erratic and it took only one sharp tug to pull Kurt's pants and underwear down beneath his ass. As soon as he was exposed Kurt reeled back trying to stand up and pull his pants back up all at the same time which only resulted in his now semi-hard dick rubbing up Karofsky's chest and landing in perfect alignment with his mouth. Karofsky wasted no time, before Kurt had even regained his balance and had a chance to fully cover himself, Kurt's cock had met the back of Karofsky's throat. Kurt's knees almost instantly buckled and he had no other choice but to lean on Karofsky for support. The move seemed to only please Karofsky more because now every last inch of Kurt's dick had been pushed fully into his mouth and when he groaned around Kurt his eyes rose to meet Kurt's almost reverently. Kurt could only watch transfixed as new tears began to well up in the jock's eyes and stream down his face, mingling with the wetness of his mouth. It was only then that he noticed that Karofsky's hands were now moving in slow circular patterns around his hips and when he slowly began to move his mouth up and down Kurt's length with slow gentle sucks that seem to last forever and then not long enough all at the same time, Kurt could barely breathe because the other boy's hands were squeezing his sides and making him wish desperately to move his hips. Kurt can barely control himself after this point. He tosses his head back and runs his hands unthinkingly through Karofsky's hair, hesitantly encouraging him to go faster. Karofsky rewards him with a low guttural groan that shoots electric currents through Kurt's oversensitized body but it's still not enough. He can't help but let out a loud moue of disappointment when Karofsky's mouth leaves Kurt's cock completely.
"Look at me."
Kurt glances back down to see Karofsky with Kurt's cock in his hands. Once he's certain that he has Kurt's full attention he begins to mouth at Kurt's cock slowly from base to tip never once taking his eyes off Kurt's face. In between these hot open mouth kisses Karofsky begins to mutter incoherently, "You're so fucking pretty looking down at me right now. So fucking perfect. Do you want me to finish sucking you off, Kurt? You looked so fucking beautiful when I was sucking you off." Kurt's hand tightens in Karofsky's hair and Karofsky turns immediately to kiss the inside of Kurt's exposed wrist.
"Please." Kurt's voice sounds strangled and unpleasant to his own ears but the loud groan from Karofsky seems to signal that he does not share Kurt's opinion. His big hand comes up to rest on top of the hand Kurt has nestled into Karofsky's hair. "Don't be afraid to show me." When Karofsky places his mouth on Kurt's cock once more he presses down lightly on Kurt's hand to encourage him to set the speed.
And so he does. All of Kurt's hesitancy is gone and nothing is left but the feeling of Karofsky's mouth taking him in desperately. Taking everything that Kurt has to give with an overwhelming intensity that leaves Kurt gasping when he finally can't hold back any longer. When Kurt comes he doesn't know what he really was expecting but in the haze of the aftermath he remembers thinking before finally falling back down to his knees and clinging to the bigger boy's shoulders just how strangely natural it seemed for Dave to suck him clean.
He can't move. Kurt had never in his life experienced the intensity of emotions that were now roiling around in his stomach. Before Kurt could never have imagined anyone wanting him as a boyfriend, much less doing something as intimate as Karofsky had just done for him. He'd always been the one to want and each and every time he had made his feeling known they had been rejected. First Finn and then Blaine. He'd wanted them both but they had never wanted him. He wasn't worthy of them. He was the problem. What other choice did he have but to suppress his sexual desires when he couldn't even do something as simple as making someone want him? Everyone, even the boy now kissing every inch of his shoulders, had made it perfectly clear that his sexuality was not welcome. That he was not welcome.
Karofsky's lips on his wet cheek startled him out of his thoughts. He was crying. He felt another tear slide down his face but Karofsky stopped it in his tracks with another soft kiss and a low coo'ing sound that Kurt would have never in a million years thought Karofsky capable of. He had to get up. If he could get up maybe he could begin to think clearly again. As Kurt made an attempt to get off his knees Dave immediately tightened his hold on Kurt pulling on him so that he only managed to get one foot on the ground. Alarm and confusion tinged Karofsky's voice as he tried to catch Kurt's eyes with his own, "Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?"
"I need to go" Kurt muttered and once again tried to pull himself to his feet but Dave's grip on him was stronger.
"Please just tell me what's wrong Kurt?" Dave grabbed the hand Kurt was resting on his shoulder as leverage and pressed his palm to his mouth.
"STOP." Kurt yanked his hand away. "You didn't do anything wrong, ok? I just can't do this. I need to go." Kurt turned around pulling his pants and underwear up as quickly as possible before brushing past the curtain without a glance behind him.
And just like that. He was running again.