Ode to Hogwarts
This is a song based on Weird Al's "Albuquerque", sung from Harry's POV. There are minor HBP spoilers in some verses. Most of the beginning verses are based on the exact events of the first book, with occasional movie references, as well. Don't read unless you're insane like me.
A/N: Yeah, so this is my first fic. I got bored and drank a lot of soda, and had this pop into my head. If you like it, review! If I get enough reviews, I might consider doing another one.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I don't own any songs by Weird Al (I do have his CD, by the way, however). I don't even own my own brain—the aliens run it for me. I'm dirt-poor, got it?
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a cupboard under the
staircase in the corner of the foyer of the house half a block down the
street from the Railview Hotel... You know the place... Well anyway,
back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy...
except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning my
aunt would make me make a big ol' bowl of bacon for my cousin Dudley for breakfast.
Dawww! Big bowl of bacon!
Every single mornin'! It was driving me crazy.
I said to my aunt, I said, "Hey, Aunt Petunia, why can't I eat any bacon?"
And my dear, sweet aunt, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an
oncoming train. And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, "IT'S
FOR DUDLEY, YOU INGRATE!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force-fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 10 and a half
years old.
That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that cupboard and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun is hardly ever shining and the air smells like singed eyebrows, and the towels are oh so fluffy! Where the wizards and the witches wave their magic wands all day long and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a Sickle!
Wacka-wacka, doo-doo, yeah!
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true. Because the very next day, a local reptile house had this contest to see who could manage to free the resident python without using their hands or feet. I didn't really mean to, but I still won the grand prize. That's right, a million-billion acceptance letters...
to Ho-o-o-ogwarts!
Ho-o-o-ogwarts!
Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been in a real hotel before, and I gotta tell ya, it was really great... except that I had to endure my extended family's excruciatingly severe body odor. And the little kid in the next room kept throwing up the whole time. The concierge ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and my retarded cousin was carrying on about "The Great Humberto"...and, oh yeah, my uncle went temporarily insane, and we abandoned our house to hide from the wizards, and we only just had enough food for EVERYONE ……except for me. You know why?
'Cause it happened to be my birthday
And my aunt, uncle, and cousin hate me
Happened to be my birthday
And my aunt, uncle, and cousin hate me
Happened to be my birthday
And my aunt, uncle, and cousin hate me
Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Ahhh. So we drove 'round the streets of Surrey, we drove 'round the streets and curbs for three full hours, bringin' along Dudley's leather suitcase and his garment bag and his HP Pavilion desktop and his 12-pound dirt bike and his lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel. But finally we arrived at the world famous
Hut-on-the-Rock Seaside Inn where the air is oh so fresh and salty! And you can eat your chip crumbs right out of the fire grate if you wanna. It's OK, it's clean.
Well, I walked into the living room, and I threw down a blanket, and I kept an eye on Dudley's watch, and I'm just about to blow out my pretend birthday candles that I drew in the dust on the floor, when suddenly there's a knock on the door. Well, now, who could that be?
I say, "Who is it?" No answer.
"Who is it?" There's no answer.
"WHO IS IT?" They're not sayin' anything.
So finally, I go over and I open the door, and just as I suspected,
it's some big, fat half-giant with a flock-of-owls haircut, and a pink, flowery umbrella. Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right.
So, anyway, he bursts into the room, and he pulls out a pack of sausages, and
I'm like, "Hey, can I have some?"
And he's like, "Harry, you're a wizard!"
And I'm like, "No way!"
And he's like, "An evil Dark Lord murdered your parents!"
And I'm like, "Really? How?"
So he tells me how James told Lily to run and Voldemort brutally killed him, and my mother begged him not to kill me, and he killed her instead, yes indeed, you better believe it. And for some reason, he felt like he had to kill me anyway. And twenty seconds later, he shot a Killing Curse at me. And you know what happened?
I'll tell ya what happened!
What happened was, "The curse didn't kill me, no, it hit him instead,
And he turned to vapor, ran away, and was never seen again.
The curse didn't kill me, no, it hit him instead,
And he turned to vapor, ran away, and was never seen again."
At Ho-o-o-ogwarts!
Ho-o-o-ogwarts!
Well, to cut a long story short, he took me to Diagon Alley. But I
made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would
not sleep for an instant, until the evil dark lord who killed my parents was brought to
justice.
But first, I decided to buy a wand. So I followed Hagrid, and he took me to the wand shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter and he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want?"
I said, "You got any red wands?"
He said, "Nah, we're outta red wands."
I say, "Well, you got any gold wands?"
He said, "No, we're outta gold wands."
I said, "You got any special purple sparkly wands?"
He said, "No, we're outta special purple sparkly wands."
I said, "You got any wands that smash vases?"
He said, "No, we're outta wands that smash vases!"
I said, "You got any wands that glitter?"
He said, "No, we're outta wands that glitter!"
I said, "You got any spare wands?"
He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check."
"No, we're outta spare wands!"
I said, "Well, in that case... in that case, what do you have?"
He says, "All I got right now is this wand that has a feather of the phoenix whose other feather is in the wand of You-Know-Who."
I said, "OK, I'll take that."
So he hands me the box, and I open up the lid, and the wand sends out a flurry of starving crazed weasels that latch on to my face.
Oh, man, they were just goin' nuts! They were tearin' me apart! You
know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started
goin' through my head. I believe it went a little somethin' like this:
DOH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Ohhh! No, get 'em off, get 'em
off! Oh, oh God, oh God! Oh, get 'em off me! Oh, oh God! Ah,
AaaaaaahhhhhhhhhOhhhhhhhhhh!
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my
face, wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like
a constipated Pygmy Puff. And, as luck would have it, that's exactly
when I ran into the girl of my dreams. Her name was Ginny. She was the sister
of my soon-to-be-best-friend, with a slight obsession with me, and hair the color of
flaming tomatoes. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me. She said, "Hey, you've got weasels on your face."
That's when I knew it was true love. We were inseparable after that.
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together, and we even beat the crap out of the same effigy of Lord Voldemort. The world was our burrito. So in my 6th year we started dating, and we won the Quidditch Cup and had two beautiful weeks together before the Death Eaters attacked the school. Oh we were so very, very, very happy, oh yeah.
But then, one fateful night, Ginny said to me, she said, "Sweetie
pumpkin? Will you let me help you hunt down the Horcruxes and destroy Lord Voldemort?"
I said, "Whoa! Hold on now, baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!"
So we broke up, and I never saw her again, but that's just the way things go...
At Ho-o-o-ogwarts!
Ho-o-o-ogwarts!
Anyway, when I first got there things really started lookin' up for me, because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right; I made the Quidditch team! I even made Team Captain after I caught the Snitch with my face. Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude.
OK, like one time, I was walking around the seventh floor, tryin' to remove my excess
earwax with a sugar quill, when I see this guy Malfoy tryin' to carry a big ol' Vanishing Cabinet up the stairs all by himself. So I-I say to him, I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And Malfoy, he just rolls his eyes and goes, "No, I want you to cut open my face and chest with an untested spell!" So I did.
And then he gets all indignant on me. He's like, "Hey, man, I was just being sarcastic!" Well, that's just great. How was I supposed to know that? I'm not a Legilimens, for cryin' out loud. Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Ferret-Boy! So what's he complaining about?
Anyway, um...um...where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought…
Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway, I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way of
saying it, but, I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is...
I WANT BACON!
That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself without parents, godparent, or teacher, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place...
...called Ho-o-o-ogwarts!
Ho-o-o-ogwarts!
Hogwarts! (Hogwarts!)
Hogwarts! (Hogwarts!)
Hogwarts! (Hogwarts!)
Hogwarts! (Hogwarts!)
I said H! (H!)
O! (O!)
G! (G!)
W! (W!)
...arts! (arts!)
(Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hogwarts)
(Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hogwarts)
(Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hogwarts)
((Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hogwarts)
Ho...gwarts
burp
heh, heh, heh, heh
A/N: Like it? Reviews, flames, comments, and psychiatric evaluations all are welcome!