House md
Specialty Clash
Scene/Chapter One:
"Patient, 39 years old, comes in suffering from a heart attack, shortness of breath "
"Wow, someone with a heart attack has shortness of breath, you don't think its one of those side effect thingies? "
"He said the shortness of breath was beforehand"
"Yeah, sure. Probably due to his heart about to give out. Better luck next time. I may have a new team, but doesn't mean it's a new Me." retorts House as he opens his office door and walks in, closing the door in Lisa Cuddy's face.
Dr Cuddy sighs and walks back down the corridor away from the diagnostic wing of Princeton Plainsboro teaching hospital, trying desperately to think of a way to get House to take this case, just to make him do something., to justify the 3 million dollars a year she budgets to his department.
She finally reaches her office, sits down on one of the chairs just inside of the door and sighs looking over the patients file again.
"House, you got a minute" this was not a question; it was a 'you are going to come out onto your balcony and chat with me' moment. Wilson's immaculately groomed hair snapped back out of eye line.
"Ok, Taub you go to the clinic, you lost the bet about who would be first to try and give us a case"
"But I said it would be Dr Wilson" said a surprised Taub
"Yeah, but Cuddy arrived first, hence why I walked with a limp on the way into the office"
"You ALWAYS walk with a limp" replied '13'
"Different kind of limp. Taub, Clinic, Go, Oh and take little miss sexy ass with you. She could do with a good ride" House said cheekily, walking out the door to the balcony before '13' could reply with an indignant remark.
Wilson's leaning with both arms on the balcony railing, upon closing the door he hears the familiar smug voice;
"Why are you wearing that disgusting tie?"
Wilson doesn't dignify that with a response, just digs his heals into his shoes and awaits houses interrogation. The annoying thing about Greg is that he thinks he knows everything, and he always gets there in the end. Always. Which means it's not a question of do you want him to know, but a question of HOW MUCH you want him to know.
You spill too quickly, he will catch on there is something else. You lie, he will find out eventually and will come back at you all guns blazing and you will tell him. You won't be able to keep it back.
"You didn't respond, so either you don't want to draw attention to it, but if that was the case you would have worn a jumper or you wouldn't of come to me first, which leaves only the fact that you have something more important to talk about. Well I'm here so go, let your feelings run free" he finishes his sentence with a sarcastic flourish, and takes out a container of Vicodin, pops the top takes a pill and counts to three
one…
two…
three…
"Cameron came on to me"
House looked stunned, shocked and almost choked on the Vicodin tablet he had taken
Okay, that wasn't strictly true, but it also isn't what house was expecting to hear, the good thing about knowing House, Wilson muses, is that you get to know his processes of deduction, and if you're lucky you can trick him into believing something by playing it just right. This is why he had wanted to talk to house, for amusement, Wilson had been starting to hate his specialty recently, Cancer. Dying, Depressed people he diagnoses near enough the same condition, and recently the same prognosis. He felt like he was the grim reaper. The bringer of death and chaos. And therefore encroaching on House's territory.
Quickly regaining his stride after this mock revelation, House straightens up and demands
"Wilson, General Hospital starts in 5 minutes"
"No it doesn't, it starts at 1pm"
"Not my new box set, that starts in 5 minutes. It's the one where the Oncologist Rides the wave, and the nurses to all the way back to his office, but only after telling the handsome diagnostician who he is riding and why."
"I'm not having sex, I'm not having an affair, I'm being faithful!" protests an exasperated Wilson
"To what, you're adulterous Nature?" retorts house, popping another Vicodin
"Wait, that's your second Vicodin in about 5 minutes, your leg getting worse?"
"No, I just find I have this uncontrollable pain anytime I go near an Oncologist…" house says in an attempt to get Wilson to leave and go treat his dying cancer ridden midgets.
"Fine, go watch your soap, I'm going to go and do my job, you know, that thing that brings in the cash?"
"What, Cuddy hit a dry spell, pimps not earning enough money?"
"Bye House, Doctory things to do, don't wear this lab coat for the styling, though god knows those cancer chicks like it" and with that he went back towards his office door, just before he got to the door, his pager went off, and he quickly left to his new destination
House went back into his office to find Kutner sitting their doing a crossword, when Kutner sees house staring at him he simply states
"You didn't tell me to do anything, so I thought I'd try and finish off this crossword you couldn't do"
"Its not that I couldn't do it, just that cuddy walked past and should have been wearing a sign that says low flying breasts." retorts House
"Go to the Clinic, and help Taub, make sure nothing gets blown up down there"
Kutner walks out the room and House goes into this inner sanctum and starts up General Hospital, Seasons 1- 5 Box set, starting the set like he starts his cases. Bang smack in the middle, and then he can work backwards to see where things came from, or forwards to see where they are going.
Scene/Chapter Two:
Heading through the clinic like a man on the mission, Wilson strolls through, passing Houses minions who are on there given duties, passing an overflowing waiting room of patients and straight into Lisa Cuddy's office.
"You paged me?" enquires Wilson
"I need you help on getting old Doctor Grumpy Cane to take a case" Cuddy says quietly whilst looking nervously over her shoulder in case the head of house popped into the clinic, and by extension, her office.
"Just tell him, order him even?"
"No, because although he will take it, he won't commit to it, he won't be looking for answers; he will just treat to my diagnosis. Or he will pass it onto his lackey's to treat and watch TV."
"Ok, yeah I see your point, so what do you suggest?"
"I don't know, could make it into a game for him"
"No, he would still just pass it onto his lackey's, dammit House, you're always so keen to prove me wrong yet when I ask you to do your job you…"
"What?"
"…you shoot me down in flames. That's IT!"
Cuddy jumps to her feet.
"We both go to him, we say we are arguing about what the problem is, I think its hormonal imbalance, you say its cancer, and we have a bet on it in front of him, and get him to decide which it is! He will deal with it himself, and would just love it if it was something different, to prove BOTH of us wrong! It's a win-win situation, I get this guy treated by house, and he gets to road test his new team and the chance to prove both of us wrong!"
"And what do I 'win' in this situation?" enquires Wilson
"A month of clinic duty, I'll cover you myself"
"All this, just to get House to do some work?"
"All this, so we can manipulate House into doing some work, I get one over on him, he tries even harder to prove me wrong in the future, which makes him do more work, so yeah, All this, just to get House to do some work"
Wilson gives her a sympathetic look, goes to walk out the door, but stops; turns back round and simply says
"You've been spending too much time with him; you're learning how to manipulate people with a bit of flair"
"Its House, I have to." replies Cuddy defiantly, and sits back down at her desk whilst Wilson turns tail and heads back to his office, ready to start the devious plan.
Scene/Chapter Three:
House is in his normal chair in his inner sanctum, watching General Hospital as usual
'What's wrong with me doctor?' asks a buxom blonde in a very badly placed hospital gown
'I'm afraid you have non Hodgkin's lymphoma, it's a type of cancer, and it's treatable with high doses of Chemo and Radiation therapy.
All of a sudden there is a loud shouting match evident in the corridor outside, between Wilson and Cuddy, arguing over what seems to be a diagnosis. House was annoyed that his beloved soap is being disturbed by this, so far, pointless racket in the corridor on HIS floor, near Wilson's office. Storming to his door, her turns back, and pauses the DVD so as not to miss the cheesy moment he predicted was coming up next. Opening the door he says loudly
"Now now children, if you cant learn to get along then I'm going to have to slap your bottoms, Lisa, you go last, so I can get young Jimmy the Kid out the way, then I can concentrate on you…"
Completely ignoring these remarks, Wilson and Cuddy keep on arguing until House steps in between the two of them and demands to know what they are arguing about
"It's this patient; he's suffering from a hormonal imbalance, which caused his heart attack, then shortness of breath." States Cuddy all in one breath as in not wanting Wilson to butt in.
"Cuddy, the Doctor who assigns parking spaces, thinks it's a hormonal imbalance, Dr James Wilson, I, an oncologist, believe it to be cancer." Wilson says in an attacking way on Cuddy's diagnosis.
"Excuse me, I don't just assign parking spaces, I am also an Endocrinologist, meaning my Specialty is Hormone related illnesses and diseases." replies an indignant Cuddy.
"I Bet you $200 and 20 more clinic hours, that it IS Cancer" Says a confident Wilson
"Your so confident about this aren't you." Beams Cuddy
"Yes I am" says a smug Wilson
"$500"
"What?!?"
"$500 and 30 Clinic hours. Still feeling confident? "
"Yep."
They both shake hands as if to seal the bet, then look enquiringly at House
Handing him the file, Cuddy says "here you go, decide which one it is, who wins the bet and what meds we have to prescribe."
"Ok, see you in 2 hours, that's all this should take." replies a very blasé House.
Scene/Chapter Four
Back in his office, House pages his new team And waits for them to arrive. Standing by the door, as they enter he hands each of them a copy of the patients File that was given to him by Wilson and cuddy not 10 minutes earlier.
"okay, first test of your abilities young Padawan's. Patient admitted due to a heart attack, shortness of breath, probably caused by said heart attack. Possible known causes by previous Doctors are either Cancer or a Hormonal imbalance, excess stress hormones caused the heart attack, and heart attack caused the shortness of breath. Which do we like?"
"That's it? Either cancer or hormonal imbalance?" enquires a rather skeptical Taub
"Yes, that's it."
"And you trust these other Doctors?"
"They are Cuddy and Wilson. Wilson knows cancer like I know the Inter -porn, and Cuddy knows her Hormones, being pregnant and all" states House
"Cuddy's knocked up?" asks Kutner
"Really? Is she, well, don't keep the news to yourself, run go tell the whole floor! Take '13' and Taub with you, only when you get to the scan area, then take 5 and check for cancer in our patient, and when you reach the Labs, checks his hormone levels. Now go, and spread the news, just like Cuddy has been spreading her legs at every chance."
Scene/Chapter Five
Taub and Kutner do a fully body scan and MRI whilst '13' checks the hormone levels…
Scene/Chapter 6
"No Cancer, All hormones are stable. Both where wrong." Says Taub
"You sure?" asks House, things starting to click into place
"Forget that, I know you are, be right back, whilst I'm gone, come up with ideas about what it could be. Oh, and think outside the box on this one. We got a head start on knowing what its not, but we don't know how much time he's got left, if its life threatening or if he just ate bad pork." And with that, House leaves his office, enters the lift and presses the button to take him to his next port of call."
Scene/Chapter 7
Cuddy is sat at her desk looking at holiday brochures, something she can spend her winnings from the Wilson bet on, as she can take it from the budgets and have a nice time, when she is disturbed by a bad tempered sarcastic cripple…
"So, what was the plan, make up some diagnosis' to get me to take the case, put on that whole show with Wilson to make me bite?"
"It worked didn't it?" replied Cuddy with a smug grin on her face
"Yeah, it worked; it might also have killed this guy. He's deteriorating and we are running out of time." As House said this last part, he turned heel and walked out of the office not looking back, the edges of his lips curling upwards because he knew Cuddy now felt bad, and he knew he now had one over on her, instead of the other way round. Sure she had fooled him, he would have to look out for her tells more in future, but he had won the war. Now all he had to do to seal the victory was to treat this guy ASAP, and get him out of there.
Cuddy, just as House had planned, was feeling awful, her huge moral compass and supertanker size ass where pacing up and down her office floor, thinking of where she went wrong, she was sure that it was a hormonal imbalance. Absolutely, 110 sure. Her harmless game to get one over on House had backfired, and now an innocent mans life was in the balance, all she knew is that if he solved the case and saved the patient, she was going to have to do some serious ass kissing, which he would enjoy.
She sighs, thinking to herself that this was just one of those days, and House was on of those opponents, that you just, can't, beat.
Scene 8
"Okay, so, differential diagnoses of a Heat attack. Let's try you out, what you got for me, Foreman, let the kiddies try first before you and your big black ass rain all over the differential."
Silence
"Come on, anything, I won't shoot you down in flames, yet. Got to teach you how to fly before I take a rifle to your wings."
Kutner was first to respond, nervously he said
"He's a smoker, so maybe smoking is a major factor"
House writes it up on the board, and very uncharacteristically looks back to his subordinates as if to say, 'next?'
"What about drugs, ER's tox screen on admission showed trace elements of cocaine in his system." Suggested '13'
Again, uncharacteristically House writes it up on the board and looks last but not least to Taub, as if to say, 'Your turn'
"The patient's a mountaineer. Bound to of been exposed to cold temperatures throughout his trips, could of caused an arrhythmia in the heart rhythm, which in turn can cause a heart attack, and lack of oxygen could have something to do with his shortness of breath." Taub explains to his colleagues and to House as well
"Err, Taub, in case you hadn't noticed, we are in Princeton. The guy is nowhere near a mountain, he works here, and he hasn't been on holiday for 4 months. Anything caused by his expeditions would have showed themselves a long time ago." Foreman has rained on the differential, as House predicted.
House bits his tongue, as he has been dying to piss all over their theories, but if he can let Foreman do it, he becomes the good guy for once…
"Unless he went on a climbing expedition, exposed to extremely cold temperatures, then went on holiday to a tropical resort, therefore exposing him to the extreme ends of the temperature scale in rapid succession, it's uncommon, but its possible for the side effects of these circumstances to manifest several months in advance just as the body gets back to normal…"
A defiant Taub rattles off, confident in the watertight defense of his theory.
"Clever. Very clever. It's rare and almost undetectable, except for one way. And there lies your flaw." Muses House.
"Flaw?"
"Yes. In order to prove your theory and allow us to prescribe him with a banning order of going on those two types of holidays, and some pills to make his hypothalamus stop being such a baby and throwing its toys out of the pram, we have to actually go and talk to the patient, which means we can be lied to. Ok, all three of you go and talk to the patient, Foreman, make sure they do it right."
"Come on guys lets go test you out as human lie detectors." Says Foreman with a distinct House like sarcasm.
House walks out of the communal meeting area, and walking back to his TV, turns it on and continues on his General Hospital marathon.
Scene 9
The familiar sound of the door sliding open, as House's team enters the room.
"I'm Dr Taub. These are my colleagues Dr Kutner, Dr Foreman and this is Dr Martin"
"Martin?" Whispers foreman
"look no-one knows her last name, her first is Remy, so I thought Remy Martin, after the expensive brandy" explains Taub before 'Remy' catches on
"We need to ask you a few questions, about where you have been recently" foreman swiftly steps in.
"Go Ahead" says the patient
Cut scenes of the team asking questions…
"Name?"
"Richard Walkin"
"Address?"
"124 25th street"
"Been out the country recently?"
"Not really Colorado is the furthest I've been in a year."
"Did you go up any mountains?"
"No, I'm not very good at heights, although I work on a platform."
"oil platform?"
"no, nothing like that, like a moving lift, I repair ceilings."
"ok, any family history of heart attacks? What about any Heart defects?
"No, my family has never had heart problems or major stuff like that, all been pretty healthy. Feel like I'm kinda letting them all down."
"ok, that will do for now, we've got some of your blood, we will run some tests, and see you real soon"