The Secret Files Of the SGC: Snack Run
Written by Lord Zeuss
The moment Major General George Hammond stepped into his office he knew something was wrong. He couldn't be sure quite what it was - after all, the three-foot stack of papers hadn't shifted its position on his desk (though it did appear to have grown by several inches); nor had his precious red-phone-with-which-he-called-the-President been tampered with; even his expensive leather chair didn't have any fingerprints on it that didn't belong there.
Even so, Hammond knew something was wrong.
He sat down on the luxurious padded chair and began checking his numerous drawers-full-of-doubtlessly-important-but-unnamed-things.
The two-star General sat in shock as he opened the top drawer. It was gone.
The thieves hadn't taken the life-altering research papers from the base or highly-classified mission reports from any of the SG teams. They instead taken the most important thing there is.
General Hammond's potato chips (the wavy-kind) were missing.
Hammond immediately picked up the red phone and began calling the President.
"This Major General George Hammond, let me speak to the President… what do you mean 'he's in session'?… this is more important than the state of the union!… do you have any idea--?… no, sir, it can't wait… but my potato chips!… very well."
Well, the President hadn't seen his potato chips. The Secret Service said he ate Doritos(TM) anyway.
Hammond stormed out of his office, ignoring the alarms signaling an unscheduled incoming wormhole - after all, it was probably nothing - and made straight for Captain Samantha Carter's laboratory.
Once he reached it, his eyes were assaulted by multiple arrays of completely-redundant-yet-unmistakably-cool colored lights. Carter was currently looking through a microscope that shared a table with a full-size Harley-Davidson motorcycle, a naquadah generator, an unidentified piece of alien technology, and host of coffee cups.
"Captain Carter, have you seen my potato chips?" The general asked.
Carter looked up from the microscope. "Potato chips? Sir? I've been investigating the chemical properties of weapons-grade naquadah when combined with the device we found on P3X555 and comparing them to samples we already have on record here at the SGC. Also, I'm working on my bike."
"I'll take that as a 'no'," Hammond sighed.
"Sorry, sir," Carter muttered apologetically and went back to the microscope.
Huffing, Hammond started back out into the hallway. He narrowly avoided bumping into Sgt. Siler, who was at the moment conversing with a technician; they were deep in conversation and Siler had this huge crescent wrench…
He made his way to Dr. Daniel Jackson's office, which happened to look like a cross between something out of an anthropology museum and an archaeologist's Oxford University office. Artifacts were scattered everywhere, old books and scrolls were piled high on every horizontal surface - including the floor, which made getting solid footing precarious - and several random computer monitors were displaying arcane hieroglyphs in several different dialects, none of which Hammond even remotely recognized.
Daniel was shoulder-deep in old papers at one of his desks, poring over a stone tablet with incredibly confusing symbols on it, and taking notes profusely in one of his hundreds of notebooks.
Hammond cautiously entered the office, taking care not to step on anything more than two hundred years old.
"Dr. Jackson, have you seen my potato chips, by any chance?" He asked Daniel.
"Uh, no General, I haven't. But I did find something on P3X343 that would take a lifetime…"
"Never mind!"
This was obviously a dead end. That left only a few places to try.
Hammond made his way toward Teal'c's quarters, avoiding a squad of Airmen rushing to the gate room to respond to an unscheduled off world activation. It was probably Sokar delivering another doomsday threat. Not important.
When he barged into Teal'c's room, the Jaffa was in the process of lighting his two thousand candles, apparently for Kel'no'reem.
"Teal'c, have you seen my potato chips?" He asked Teal'c impatiently.
Teal'c titled his head curiously. "What is a potato chip?"
"It's a snack food that I--well, mine are missing," Hammond tried to explain.
"I am unfamiliar with that type of nourishment, General Hammond. Perhaps O'Neill will be of more assistance."
That was a good point. Trouble now was, where could he find O'Neill?
A sudden thought popped into Hammond's head: Cake. O'Neill was crazy about cake. The cafeteria.
And there he found O'Neill; sitting at a table by himself, with about seven pieces of cake on little plates in front of him, an eighth in his hand, on the way to his mouth.
"Colonel O'Neill, have you seen my potato chips?" Hammond asked.
O'Neill, noticing the General, grinned widely, "General, sir! So nice to see you! Why don't you join me for some cake? There's plenty."
"I'd love to, Jack, but I'm afraid I don't have time right now. I need to know if you've seen my potato chips."
O'Neill looked disappointed that Hammond wasn't interested in having cake. He shook his head. "Sorry, General. Haven't seen anyone's chips recently. You might try asking Siler, though."
Hammond sighed in frustration. He was still no nearer to finding his potato chips. Muttering to himself, he left the cafeteria.
O'Neill, still chewing on his cake, watched Hammond leave. Just to be careful, he jumped up and peeked out the doorway, to be sure he was gone. Satisfied, he sat back down to his cake and pulled a crinkly bag of dried potato slices cut in a wavy pattern from under his chair (in plain sight, and yet Hammond never noticed) and began munching