Gold and Periwinkles

A Keeping Up Appearances and Once Upon A Time Crossover

Mr. Gold runs his pawn shop with an iron fist, but can the Dark One's will withstand that of Hyacinth Bucket (pronounced "Bouquet")?

Mr. Gold was reading over his records behind the counter in Mr. Gold's Pawn Shop. His peace was disrupted by the shop's door being thrust open.

An unfamiliar woman stood before him. She was tall with a curly-yet-neat head of brown hair that was beginning to show traces of grey. She wore a blue hat adorned with many fake flowers. Her narrowed eyes appraised her surroundings, and her nostrils flared in distaste.

"It's not very tidy, is it?" she declared.

Mr. Gold cocked his head to one side in annoyance. "Careful, dearie. I'd hate to have to curse you."

"Typical Americans," Hyacinth fussed. "You walk into a shop and they curse at you. One must show respect in the presence of such an esteemed figure as myself."

"And just who do you think you are?" Gold asked, annoyed but intrigued.

"You have the privilege of addressing Hyacinth Bucket, sir. I am a beacon for the best in hospitality and am known far and wide for my famous candlelight suppers. Now is there anything in this shop suitable for a woman of my caliber?"

Gold was almost amused. "I have something suitable for anyone of your caliber. It's for your mouth. Perhaps you've heard of duct tape?"

Hyacinth drew herself up to her full height, clutching her blue purse with her neat white gloves.

"I would think that a simple shop owner, such as yourself, would have better manners when his income relies on impressing customers such as myself. And believe me, my good man, when I proclaim my distaste for any business, the profits always suffer."

Gold rose to his feet, baring his teeth slightly. "It's dangerous to offend the Dark One, dearie."

Hyacinth looked the short man up and down. "Yes, well your shop wouldn't be such a dark one if you'd open up the blinds and let some light in. Wouldn't you prefer that your customers see what they're purchasing? Or perhaps the trick is not to let them see your wares until they've already paid."

Gold glared up at her. "I assure you, everything in this shop is exactly as I describe it. If you can't pay my price, then it's your loss, not mine."

Hyacinth's eye caught a bit of porcelain in one of the glass cases lining the store.

"Ah, an antique tea set! A suitable find at last!" Then, turning to Gold, "Of course, it's hardly a match for my Royal Doulton with hand-painted periwinkles. May I see it?"

"It's not for sale," Gold stated flatly.

Hyacinth peered menacingly at Gold. "If that's you trying to drive the price up, I assure you, I won't be daunted. Now show me the tea set!"

Gold wondered why this conversation was still taking place. This insufferable woman had insulted him and his store. He should have transfigured her into a pigeon on the spot. However, he was vaguely amused by the fact that this woman was completely blind to her peril, so he obliged Hyacinth's request, if only to allow the situation to play out.

Hyacinth huffed indignantly as Gold slowly retrieved the tea tray and its contents. Once he had placed it on the counter, Hyacinth snatched one of the teacups with her gloved hands and brought it up to her eyes to inspect it more carefully.

"This is in terrible condition!" she exclaimed. "It looks like it hasn't been cleaned in centuries! Look at all of this dust!" She presented a gloved finger to the pawn shop owner, who saw that her fingertip was, indeed, grey with dust. "It's a wonder it's still together at all! And look at this one!" She raised another teacup to Gold's own face. "This one's chipped! You think you're going to sell me broken goods? This would never meet the standards of my candlelight suppers!"

When Gold heard the word "candlelight," a brilliant idea came into his head. "Perhaps you're right, but I have the perfect candle that would amaze all of your guests."

Hyacinth perked up immediately, giving the Dark One her full attention.

Gold walked to the cabinet behind his counter and withdrew a double-sided candle with one white end and one black end. It was joined in the center by a pewter-like metal adorned with rubies. It had intricate engravings carved into the wax.

"This was taken from General Howe during the American Revolution. Rumor tells that it once belonged to King George III himself."

"King George III!" Hyacinth exclaimed. "To think that a candle used by royalty will enter my possession! Of course, it's only natural. It's merely an accident of birth that I myself am not royalty."

"Clearly, clearly," Gold goaded her, suppressing a sarcastic laugh.

"I'll take it, sir! How much?"

Gold made a presentation of flipping through the book laying on his counter. "Let's say twenty American dollars."

"Done!" Hyacinth exclaimed. "You Americans never understand the true value of royalty and its possessions. What a bargain!"

"Oh, the pleasure is all mine," Gold crooned with faux-pleasantry, accepting the twenty that Hyacinth offered.

"Of course, I'm not being economical!" Hyacinth sternly reminded him.

"Of course not, Mrs. Bucket. Now I need your name for my records. Is it B-O-U-Q-U-E-T?"

"That's B-U-C-K-E-T," Hyacinth corrected matter-of-factly.

Gold paused. "So your last name is Bucket?"

"It's pronounced Bouquet!" insisted an irate Hyacinth.

"Well, it's been a pleasure doing business with you," Gold lied.

Hyacinth smiled a toothy grin and waved regally at Gold. "Farewell, shopkeeper!" She made for the door to the street.

Rolling his eyes, Gold waved his hand, conjuring a bucket of water above the door. As Hyacinth pried the door open, the bucket fell and drenched her.

The housewife, infuriated, stood outside of Mr. Gold's Pawn Shop, mouth agape and arms spread wide. A few passerby regarded her with amusement.

"Farewell, Mrs. Bucket," Gold grinned wickedly, closing and locking the door behind her. Satisfied with his accomplishments for the day, he flipped the sign in his door window to "Closed."

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed my little crossover. I've thought for some time that Hyacinth VS. Rumplestiltskin would be a compelling battle to watch. Please review!