Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion, NERV or any of the related characters!
The Gift of Pain
"I think I was born just to meet you, Shinji Ikari," Kaoru Nagisa said, his smile soft and comforting.
The younger teen couldn't help but feel a happily surprised –although awkward- smile grace his own lips at his words. 'He really thinks that? Am I really that important to him? …. We just met two days ago. How can someone make that suggestion after such a short time? It doesn't make sense' he thought, a frown appearing on his face.
"You're interesting… Do you always need feelings to make sense?" the white-haired teen asked, his voice sounding amused.
Shinji looked away, "No… it's not like that," he quickly countered. Instinctively he started turning his body away, as if he was unconsciously readying himself to leave.
"Isn't it important to feel special? To feel like you're wanted by someone…. Loved by someone? Every person needs that approval, that's why they keep living," Kaoru said, his casual words striking a chord within Shinji. "If there is no one left to live for… or to love, then life isn't worth living".
Their eyes met, "Right?" Kaoru finished.
The Unit One pilot sighed, "That's a lie. People keep on living… it doesn't matter if no one cares about them or that they don't have a reason… They're still alive," he said monotonously. It sounded like his answer had been practiced. Rehearsed.
Kaoru turned to face Shinji, his arm propping his head up, "Then they always have the choice to end it themselves. That's what makes them human… Free will," the young man answered. His grey eyes never seemed to move from their content gaze. As if he had found some sort of inner peace. Shinji envied him for it.
"Free will? You're forced to pilot the Eva's… you're forced to be obedient…. You're forced to do things you don't want to…. What type of free will is that?" Shinji snapped, his voice slowly becoming more belligerent with each word, as if each word was unlocking some deep reservoir of hate he'd been bottling up.
Kaoru chuckled softly before his eyes narrowed darkly, "Then why not just kill yourself?" he said. His expression softened when Shinji's eyes widened in shock. It was obvious those thoughts had never even crossed his mind. "If you're content to live the life you have chosen for yourself… Be free. Smile, laugh, cry and grieve".
A silence stretched across the tiny room, almost stifling in its intensity. It was hard to breathe.
"Shouldn't you be give yourself time to experience these emotions before trying to move on?" Kaoru stated, his voice was calming, almost motherly. "Isn't experiencing each gift life has to offer better than just sidestepping it?".
"How can pain be a gift?" the words slipped from Shinji's mouth before he could even think of rewording them. He instantly regretted saying it and shut his eyes. He waited for the onslaught of sneering comments to begin.
A weight was felt on his chest. Shinji opened his eyes to see Kaoru's hand lying on his chest, next to his heart. Shinji blushed; inadvertently he pulled away from the comforting gesture of the newest edition to NERV. He wondered if that would offend the older boy. He looked up, only to be met by Kaoru's kind gaze.
"Pain is just a reminder to be thankful for life…. It reminds you that you're alive" the Fifth child explained.
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