Goblet of Fire Spoof: Now a musical
SCENE ONE: That is totally not a word!
(It's night. Bones, Bones, Bones. Oh look, a snake comes out of the bones! And now it slithers towards a grim reaper with a tombstone!)
Me: So this is what they meant when they said they where aiming for a darker picture.
(The words "HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE" flash onto the screen in pretty silver letters and a slightly tweaked version of Hedwig's theme plays. Cut to Frank Bryce pottering around.)
Frank: Hummmm, hummmm, hummmmm…
Song: Be prepared (Based on "Be prepared" from The Lion King)
Ludicrously over-amplified voices: Hum! Hum! Hum! Hum!
Ludicrously over-amplified Voldemort:
I know that your powers of retention
Are as wet as a Grindylow's hide
But as thick as you are, Pay attention!'
We all get to commit homicide!
It's clear from your vacant expressions
Your brain clearly expresses no spark
But we're talking fully-fledged power here!
Even you can't be left in the dark!
So prepare for the chance of a lifetime
Prepare for sensational news!
A shiny new era is tiptoeing nearer
Ludicrously over-amplified Wormtail:
But where do we come in?
Ludicrously over-amplified Voldemort:
Shut up, cringing vermin!
I know it sounds sordid
But you'll be rewarded
In the graveyard with our friend, Harry
And in power again we shall be!
Be ready!
Ludicrously over-amplified junior:
Ha ha, yeah! *twitch* We'll be ready! Uh… for what?
Ludicrously over-amplified Voldemort:
For the death of that kid!
Ludicrously over-amplified Wormtail:
Why, is he sick?
Ludicrously over-amplified Voldemort:
No, fool, we're gonna kill him… Cedric, too!
Ludicrously over-amplified junior:
Hey, Great idea! Who need a protagonist, anyway?
Ludicrously over-amplified Death Eaters:
Yay! Long live the protagonist! (etc.)
i.i.i.i.i.'s great that we'll soon be connected with a lord who'll be all time adored!
Ludicrously over-amplified Voldemort:
Of course, quid pro quo, you're expected
To take certain duties on board!
The future is littered with prizes
And I'm the one who'll get most
The point I am trying to emphasize is:
STAY LOYAL TO ME OR YOUR TOAST!
So prepare for the coup of the century
Be prepared for the murkiest scam
Meticulous planning
Tenacity spanning
Decades of denial
Is simply why I will
Rule all undisputed, respected, saluted
AND SEEN AS THE WONDER THAT'S ME!
Yes and my eyes and my plans are scary!
Be ready!
Be, be, be, be, be, be ready!
Muhuhuhuahuahuahuahua!!!!!!!
(Song ends)
Frank: For someone who is both legally blind and nearly deaf, I sure can hear a person with a soft voice in a room an the top floor of a house with its door closed that's all the way up that hill, pretty loudly! (Limps over to the house. The camera is shaking and it's in black in white. Like an old horror film.)
(Frank walks over to the door to see a cradle with Wormtail and junior bending over it.)
Wormtail: (Looking creepier then Voldemort) Quidditch! Quidditch! Quidditch!
Evil baby Voldemort: Harry Potter! Harry Potter! Harry Potter!
Junior: (In quite a spiffy leather jacket) Auror! Auror! Auror!
Wormtail: Hogwarts! Hogwarts! Hogwarts!
Evil baby Voldemort: Are! We! Confusing! You! Frank! Bryce!?
Frank: Yes
People who haven't read the books: Us too
(A giant snake hisses over Frank's leg and into the room.)
Nagini: (With English subtitles) Hey master, Bellatrix is wondering of you reserved tickets to the last showing of "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" on Broadway, because she wants to see the show before it closes.
Voldemort/Bellatrix shippers: YAY! Canon proof! I knew it was a good idea to take Parseltongue as a second language… (People with straitjackets come and take them away.
Junior: What did the snake say, Master?
Evil Baby Voldemort: Er… there's a muggle outside…???
Wormtail: Muggle! Muggle! Muggle!
Frank: Scratch what I said earlier about my hearing being excellent, because nothing they're saying makes sense.
Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!!!
Frank: That totally isn't a woooooooord… (He dies)
Me: And winning the award for most pointless character death in this series… FRANK BRYCE!