Back to Black

Disclaimer: Characters, Names, Surroundings etc. belong to J.K. Rowling. The plot is based on the song 'Back to Black' by Amy Winehouse.

A/N: This is my first Draco/Hermione story. I hope you like it. Please be gentle with me on my language as I'm Dutch and English is not my native language. If someone wants to help me out with this, please send me a private message. Thanks! Enjoy.

Summary: One shot – inspired by Amy Winhouse's song: Back to Black

Pairing: Draco/Hermione

Rated: M for language

Chapter 1.1

-. You went back to what you knew
So far removed from all that we went through
And I tread a troubled track
My odds are stacked
I'll go back to black .-

His words from last night were still echoing in her mind, in her heart. Every single word that came from his mouth stabbed her in the heart. His eyes looking cruel, his well known smirk plastered on his face as he spoke to her, calm but with a certain rage, no regrets, no love, just hate.

Had she been imagining it all then? Had she not really known him at all for the past months? She thought she did, she thought she knew everything about him. They had become so close, had been together every day and almost every night.

Hermione didn't know what had happened, couldn't wrap her head around it. She didn't want to think about it anymore. Life as she knew it for the past couple of months was gone, maybe had never really existed at all.

She didn't sleep at all that night, the whole situation washing over her time and time again and she felt her heart break every time. She sniffed a couple of times, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand and got out of bed.

Hermione walked up to the bathroom mirror and watched herself in the mirror. Her eyes had been red and puffy from crying, she looked pale and her hair was a mess. Splashing some water in her eyes and on her face, she hoped that it would do the trick and make her seem as if everything was ok. As if her heart had not been broken just the night before. Nobody had known what kind of effect it had on her. What kind of an effect he had on her. Her friends couldn't know but most of all he couldn't know that she had cared that much for him.

When she was fully dressed she stepped out of her room and walked up to the great hall. Stopping at the huge doors she took a couple of deep breaths, shook her shoulders loose and walked in. She kept her head up high and tried not to look at his table, as she quickly walked to her spot and made sure that her back was facing him. She didn't want to see his beautiful face, his silver blond hair and his piercing grey, stormy eyes. She couldn't stand the fact that he was probably laughing behind her back, talking to his friends about her. She closed her eyes, inhaled deep and tried to focus on something else. Homework, Crookshanks, her parents, Harry and Ron… anything. It didn't work, he was everywhere. He clouded her mind, her heart and her being.

She wasn't even hungry, but she told herself that if she didn't show up, didn't eat, then he would know that he broke her. Taking her fork and knife she cut through her breakfast and tried to eat as fast as she could. After 5 minutes she saw Ron and Harry approaching her table, ready for their own breakfast. She knew that she had to leave to avoid conversation. If she stayed, they would know something was wrong by just looking at her and she couldn't handle that on top of everything else. Apart from that… she had some huge explaining to do if she had ever to tell them what had been going on for the past couple of months. Right under their noses. Nobody had known, except for himIt had been their secret, and she loved the fact that he was the one she could share it with.

As she got up to leave the great hall, her eyes – out of habit – gazed over in his direction and when she saw him sitting there with his friends and new girlfriend she knew that she would never get over him. She was and would always be completely and entirely in love with Draco Malfoy.

Chapter 1.2

-. He left no time to regret
Kept his dick wet
With his same old safe bet
Me and my head high
And my tears dry
Get on without my guy.-

…The night before…

He had written her a short note to get her to meet him as soon as possible in the room of requirements. He had to get this over with. He had to do this now for he knew he might not be able to go through with it if he would see her, hold her, kiss her, smell her. He had to rip the bandage off, quick and painless. Or as painless as this could ever be done. He hoped it would be over soon, he wasn't sure if he could handle her eyes, staring at him when he would have to tell her lies.

He closed his eyes, inhaled deeply then opened them again. He felt so angry, confused and sad, all at the same time. His hand still hurt from a couple of minutes ago when his rage left him stomping the wall with his knuckles. Bruises had formed and he knew that it was going to hurt like mad tomorrow… but not as much as what he was about to do in just a couple of minutes.

He walked up to the room of requirements, passed the wall 3 times and the door appeared. As he stepped in the room he noticed that the room was different from the previous months that he had been in that same room with her. There always used to be a fire crackling, candles lit and in the middle of the room would be a comfortable couch and a huge bed.

Now it felt empty and dark, so suitable for what he was about to do. He felt a pang in his heart when he reminded himself that he was not going to see the old room ever again.. it was the part that he had to cut from his live. A part that he once thought and hoped would last forever.

He walked to the middle of the room, trying to remember their nights and moments together as he sighed and felt on his knees to the ground. He had promised himself he wouldn't cry. He had to be strong for her, for himself. He had to make it look like it was the real deal, he had to make it look like he was the old Draco again. She just had to believe him. He slowly stood up, balled his hands into a fist and tried to collect himself. He could do this… he had to do this.

He didn't have to wait long for her, soon the door opened and he heard small footsteps nearing him. He took a deep breath and waited for her to announce that she was in the room. He was just standing there with his back to her, trying to collect his thoughts, his words. But as he felt two soft arms hugging him from behind he had lost his train of thought and just went with the moment. He leaned into her touch, if only for just a couple more seconds to remember the moment, the feeling.

He made himself turn around, his cold smirk plastered on his face. He took her arms from around his waist and let them fall to her side. "Granger" He nodded.

Hermione look at him and thought he had made a mistake by calling her by her last name. A formality that changed 2 months ago. He had called her Hermione ever since.

She smiled, her beautiful eyes had lit up at the sight of his face as she completely forgot about the fact that he had just called her by her last name. "Hi." She replied softly and smiled once more.

He had to go through with it, for him, for her for both of their lives. It would be for the best. He had this whole plan figured out right before he went into that door. But now it was all gone at the sight of her face. He wanted to touch her, kiss her, hold her. But he knew he couldn't. He looked at her once more turned around and just laughed. Hard.

Hermione's smile faltered. "What's so funny?" She asked, unsure what was going on.

Draco quickly turned around, his cruel smirk on his face and just laughed even louder.

"Draco, come on, what's going on?" Hermione started to get scared as she remembered and recognized the old smirk of Draco Malfoy. That same smirk that she hadn't seen for more than 2 months.

"Come on Draco, what's so funny?"She asked again, impatient and automatically she took a couple of steps back to the door.

"You." He simply said and walked up to her and grabbed her arms roughly. "You are what is so funny."

Hermione shook her head. "What do you mean? Draco, you're scaring me." She tried to shake him off of her but his hold on her was too strong. She stood face to face with him now. She didn't recognize him anymore. His eyes were cold and his face was pale, straight, without emotion. He just looked at her for a couple of more seconds.

"We've had a good time together right Granger?" He more said then asked her. He let go of her arms and turned his back on her. Hermione just stood there, frozen.

"Yes, I would like to think that we had a good time." He continued. "But I think I'm kind of done right now with you." He still hadn't turned around, too afraid to face her when he would say the next words.

"You were a nice lay, a nice fuck, but I guess… I'm just done with it, with you." He turned around, finally facing Hermione who just stood there. Her eyes were big as though not believing what he was saying, that he was just joking.

"I…I just.." She started but couldn't find the words, silent tear streamed down her face.

"What Granger? Cat caught your tongue? You never had that problem before." He laughed again and walked up to her. Staring her straight in the face.

"Wh… what are you saying here? Are we done?" Her breath hitched as she tried to look him straight in the eye. She couldn't wrap her head around the situation, she could hardly believe that it was happening.

"Are we done?" He laughed shortly. "Granger, we cannot be done if we have never started." He just stood there, his voice was calm and his eyes were still showing no emotion.

"Never…" She paused, tried to look for something in his eyes, for some hope. "Never started? Draco, I love you."

"Yeah, that's great and all, but you need to get over yourself Granger. We had our fun but I need to move on with my life. I have a girlfriend Granger, how do you think she feels if you stay my fuck buddy."

"A girlfriend? But… who?" She shook her head, still not believing.

He turned around, knowing that he was breaking her. It was his plan, it was working. But it was breaking him too.

"Do you even have to ask Granger? You must know that it has always been Pansy."

"But you don't love her, you love me Draco, you told me you loved me." She lost it, she turned around and tried to get a hold of the situation. She walked to the door and then back to the middle of the room where Draco was standing. She heard him laugh again but couldn't see his face as he was standing with his back to her.

"Love you? Granger, I don't even know what love is." He said harshly.

"But.."She started

He turned around and simply looked at her and replied calmly. "But what Granger? You actually believed it when I told you I loved you. Gimme a break Granger… how long have you known me now? 7 years? I was just saying it to get you into my bed."

He saw her break right in front of him. He wanted to get out of there. Just let her be and get on with his sorry life. He started walking for the door but stopped when he heard her speak.

"Look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me." She was watching him hopefully.

And he did. He looked at her harshly, grabbed her arm and pulled her as close to his face as possible. She gazed into his eyes as he looked back at her, his eyes raging with fire.

"I don't love you, you bitch. Never did. You were just an easy fuck. "

"And if you must know.. Pansy and I are getting married in 2 months. I would have invited you, but Mudbloods are not allowed to filth up my wedding day." Her eyes closed as he still held her arm harshly. The same arms that were always so gentle, yet strong and which had held her for numerous of nights. His arms. The arms she had loved.

When she opened up her eyes he was still looking in her eyes. The Draco she knew, or thought she had known, was gone. The realization had struck her. Hard. He had never loved her.

"I can't believe you fell for it Granger.. after all.. you must know that Purebloods don't usually fuck Mudbloods." He spat at her.

"How could you? After all that we've done, after all that we've said to each other. How could you?" She shook her head, her shoulders were shaking and her lower lip was trembling.

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't know I cared about Mudbloods." He made sure his famous smirk was plastered on his face as he watched her fall to her knees and cry on the ground.

Hermione looked up to him, tears streaming down her face. He was towering over her, smirking, mocking her, almost laughing.

He stepped over her form and wanted to get out of there, he couldn't cope with this situation any longer. He wanted to hold her, kiss her and tell her that it was all a lie... but he couldn't. He had to get away from her.

"I loved you Draco." He heard her whisper. He closed his eyes, clenched his fist and turned around once more. He had to give her one final remark to shatter her completely. It was for the best.

"I know you did. That was the best part." He laughed hard and walked out of the door. Leaving Hermione completely shattered on the ground.

We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to...

I go back to us

Chapter 1.3

5 years later

"It's been a long time." He had looked at her, and was amazed by the woman she had become. He had not seen her anymore since the day of their graduation. The week before he would get married to Pansy and he knew that his life was soon to be ended. He could clearly remember the day of graduation as it had been the day that he had silently said goodbye to her. He had seen her in the hall together with her parents. Her parents had looked at her, beaming with pride. Of course. He understood. He too was proud of her. Best student of their year, valedictorian, held an amazing speech and looked radiant and beautiful. His girl.
Now she was here, standing in front of him after 5 years without her, she looked almost the same, had become more of a woman perhaps. But still the same. His girl.

"It has been."Hermione sighed and looked at the man she had once loved deeply in the eye. He had changed, he had grown into a handsome young man. He had cut his hair short, and she had to admit that it looked better than it had ever done before. He still held those amazing stormy, grey, piercing eyes. He had changed into a man.

They had bumped into each other in Diagon Alley and could not deny each other's presence. Draco had started talking and soon Hermione replied, though the air around them was suffocating, uncomfortable as they both looked away from each other. Not able to look each other in the eye, too much history, too much embarrassment, too many lies.

"You haven't changed much." Draco said.

"You haven't changed much either Malfoy. " She sighed once again. She didn't want to have this conversation at all. "I have to go Malfoy, it was good to uh… see you." Lost for other words she just nodded and turned around.

"Was it?" She heard him say softly. She stopped in her tracks, though not turning around to face him.

"Was it what?" She asked him.

"Good to see me..?" He took a deep breath and waited for her to answer. He shoved both of his hands in the pockets of his jeans, trying to give himself some posture.

She turned around, staring him straight in the eye with her big brown eyes. She hesitated.

"I…don't know." She said honestly. He nodded in understanding. He gave her a small smile and walked past her. The conversation had ended.

She knew she was going to regret their conversation. Too short, too formal.. too… She closed her eyes and shook her head.

After two minutes she found the strength to carry on her way, though he was still in her head, still not completely letting the conversation go. She had always known what she had wanted to say to him if she would ever run into him somewhere. The conversation they had just 3 minutes ago was not the way she had wanted it to go. She had so much to say to him, still mad, still in love, still in pain. 5 years had passed and she still wasn't over him. She had to stop kidding herself she was over it. It had been a lie.

She quickly turned around, making a decision in her mind quickly and ran in the direction she had seen Draco take. Her mind was clouded, she didn't know what she was doing and kind of hoped that she wouldn't find him for she didn't know if she could take more heartache.

Then she saw him, standing in the middle of the road, looking straight at her as if he had been waiting for her.

"Hermione." He had whispered to her when she had approached him and was standing in front of him once again. He had used her first name, not her last. Her heart took a leap.

"We never said goodbye."She had shot at him, her eyes piercing into his, not breaking eye contact.

He noticed he had been holding his breath, he just looked back at her, not knowing what to say to her, if there was anything right to say to her or not.

"You don't have anything to say?" She shot again.

"I.."He shook his head, at loss for words. Though he had so much to say to her… he knew he couldn't.

"Let me talk then." She stood firm, knowing this was the time she had been waiting for, for 5 years. It was now or never.

"I hate you… hell, I don't think I have ever hated anyone more in my life. I thought we had something amazing, beautiful, worthwhile, something for eternity. " She stopped, trying to search his eyes for any emotion or feelings. Nothing.

She continued. "You broke me the night you told me that it was all just an easy fuck Malfoy. The night you told me you had never loved me. It had all been a game. It's 5 years later and I still can't believe that someone can be so cruel to another human being." She paused for a second to catch her breath. Then continued.

"And yes, it has been 5 years, but I am still thinking about you. Every day you cloud my mind… Wondering where you are, how you are doing. If you're happy and in love. The months we did spend together had been special to me.Our secret looks in the hallways, making sure nobody would see. Out notes that were being passed in class, our late night talks. Making…" She sighed as she remembered. "Making love. Youwere special to me. I thought I had found the one. But then you crushed me completely, saying those harsh words, being the jerk I thought I would never see again. For months I kept believing that somehow you told me lies, that you did love me. How else could it have been possible to share those looks with you, for you to be so passionate, gentle and kind to me. But after awhile, hearing that you got married… that Pansy was pregnant, I knew that you didn't lie. And I know you never cared..but you should know that I am not sure if I'm ever going to let you go completely. "

She stopped talking, but she wasn't done yet. But just standing there with him, in the middle of the street with people passing them… it was too much. She looked up at him, seeing his beautiful face. He was still beautiful. The words that followed were never meant to be said, but she felt them.

"You shouldn't have made me fall in love with you… I've been that broken girl ever since the night you told me it was just for fun for you. My feelings for you never changed." She whispered, finally breaking eye contact and looking to the ground. She knew that Draco would probably laugh at her face, knowing he was still hurting her to this very day. But she just had to tell him, or she would forever regret it.

It was silent for awhile. Both over thinking her words. Both waiting if the other was going to say something.
Draco sighed, mad at himself, at her for making it so difficult for him. For her. He knew that if he didn't tell her the truth now he would regret it forever. She had to know why he did it.

He lifted her chin, wanting to look her in the eye when he would say his next words. She was once again staring straight back at him. Her eyes now filled with silent tears. His heart broke.

"There are a couple of things I haven't told you Hermione, It is just impossible for me to tell you. Lies, secrets.. a world that I am hiding from you, for you. I have told you lies...I had to break you or I would not be able to let you go. And you had to let me go."

Hermione just stared at him. She wanted to know more but she wasn't sure if she wanted to know. But she made up her mind.

"Tell me." She whispered, encouraging him when she pointed to a bench. They both took a seat next to each other, facing each other, not breaking eye contact. Draco was silent for a while. Didn't know where to start.

"The night I broke it off between us I had received a letter from my parents, they had found out about our relationship.. they threatened to kill you Hermione, if I didn't break it off with you."

"So you just did? You could have told me! We could've discussed this, go to professor Dumbledore, come up with a solution." Hermione started to get angry.

"They told me that I was going to be married to Pansy and that I had no choice. You don't know my parents Hermione. They were for real, no one could have stopped them from killing you. If we were to go to Dumbledore, they would have killed you that same night. I was so scared. I had no choice. And I loved you so, so much, I knew that if you would have died I could never live with myself. So I made a decision.. a decision to keep you safe."

Hermione nodded, tears filled her eyes. She took his hand in hers and savored his soft, warm hands in hers. She missed it. Soon his last words hit her right in the heart. Love her? He hadn't loved her now did he?

Before she was going to ask him, he already cut her off.

"Yes I loved you. Still do. And you have to know that I hate myself for hurting you the way I did, and still do." He looked her straight in the eyes, seeing his words effecting her. She was thinking it through the way only Hermione could let information sink in.

"I hope that you're going to get over me Hermione. You are so much better than me, deserve so much better than me. And I've always known that. Know that I wish you all the best in your life. I hope you know that I am always going to have to suffer for my way of breaking up with you. But I hope you understand that I had no choice."

She nodded. Understanding now. "And now?"She asked hopefully, searching his eyes, squeezing his hand.

"I hope that one day you're going to forgive me for it. I hope that one day you are able to forget about me. For I am not worthy of being remembered by you."

She was crying now, in the middle of the street. He held her hand, wiped her tears from her eyes and smiled softly. He was telling her that they had no future together. Somewhere in the back of her mind she had known. He was married to Pansy, they had a little boy and girl. She knew.. she had read it in the newspaper years ago.

He squeezed her hand one last time before letting her go.

"I have to go back to my family now Hermione."He gave her one final nod and turned away from her, knowing he was turning his back on the only woman he had ever loved.

"Goodbye… Draco." He had heard Hermione's soft, crying voice say. He stood still for a few more seconds, knowing that he probably was never going to see her again. This was their final goodbye, the ending of their love.. the perfect love they had once shared, though very short, filled with passion and desire.

He then walked out of her life.

We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times