Harry Potter and the Insane Little Problems
By Allison Orr
Chapter 1: Da DurseDawgs
On the twelfth, scorching hot day of summer, Harry sat in his bedroom. He did not actually remember why he was there, just that he wasn't going to leave until he knew why he was there. He thought up there for at least 7 hours, until he was suddenly interrupted by Hedwig's extreme stupidity in bringing him his mail, she had first crashed into the window. "THIS BIRD!" Harry's scream managed to break the window, and the demented owl flopped unconscious on to the carpet.
Harry smirked and sat back down on the spindly chair from Oliver Ollivander's shop that he had stuffed in his pants 5 years ago when Hagrid nor Oliver was looking, as a souvenir, of course. He thought about if chocolate frogs came to life and ran the country, and if Dudley would ever discover "Atkins" diet, when Hedwig popped up next to him and opened her beak "You've got mail" which Harry had "accidently" recorded and stuffed down Hedwig's throat on Saturday, was heard by Harry and Uncle Vernon; who had appeared in the doorway.
"Yo fooh, what choo do to yo home-bird?" Uncle Vernon asked strangely.
"The real question is, what are you doing in my room Uncle Vernon?" Harry suspiciously questioned.
"I wuz just in da hood" Uncle Vernon answered, "But I'm not going by Uncle Vernon anymore, it doesn't fit da new me very well and-" Harry gasped and began to hyperventilate. Uncle Vernon eyed him strangely and continued "Our family will now be known as "Da DurseDawgs" Petunia will be called "Momma Tunes", Dudley will be referred to as "Big Dud" and my new name is "Da Boss Vern" or just "Boss" we clear homie?" Harry had begun to foam at the mouth and was in fetal position on the floor within seconds. He uttered a few words such as "Toaster oven" and "Mr. Morten is hot" before jumping out the window and falling two stories down.
He landed in his favorite bush in the DurseDawg's front yard. When he realized this, Harry pulled out an engagement ring in from his pocket and began to sob in happiness as he pushed it up a branch on the bush. "Martha, we have been together for almost 2 years now, and I would like to ask you to marry me. So will ya?"
The bush did not reply.
"Martha, is something wrong? I just asked you to marry me."
The bush remained silent.
"MARTHA?" Harry jumped out of the bush and began running in circles screaming, "Call the police! Someone murdered Martha!"
A small boy sitting in a sandbox across the street laughed as he played with his toy shovel and pail in the sand. He then began to bang the pail with his small fist. Harry's eye's widened in horror, the boy was the one who had murdered Martha! He was so obviously violent, and that shovel could have done a lot of damage!
Harry stormed over to the child, "How could you! MARTHA WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!"
The kid looked up, "What is your pwoblem mister?"
"Well, I actually forgot...so just watch your back kid!" Harry defensively shouted.
The kid shrugged and walked inside.
Three houses away, the neighbors watched the insane little problems unfold; it was going to be a long summer.
Chapter 2
Harry Potter and the Insane Little Problems
By Allison Orr
Chapter 2: Hermy da hottie
Harry sat with his "homies" in front of the T.V while they watched "Pimp My Ride" together. He enjoyed the show, because someday he would like the DurseDawgs "ride" to be pimped. Harry thought about Cho, a dangerous pastime when it came to Harry's deranged mind.
"Cho is hot, but she is also stupid and mighty psycho when it comes to Cedric…or as she calls him, Cedy-poo."
Harry continued to ponder over Cho,
"Why does she not realize that ole Cedy is deceased? She tried to make out with me last year…but all she really wanted to talk about is her boyfriend that kicked the bucket."
Harry's mind then went back to its normal state; blissfully blank and unaware of all going on around it.
When the show ended Harry returned to his bedroom, he found Hedwig waiting for him there. The familiar, "You've got mail" sounded from Hedwig's almost robotic beak. Harry took the mail from the mentally challenged bird and looked at the first letter, it read:
2 haRRy
i hav bean thinkin that we shuld meat diagon alley neckts fridae 2 get r crap 4 scoole. r u havin a good sumr? Min sux, mi parentz r bein anoin and dey won't let mi go out wit mi frends, we jus wantd 2 go 2 a bar! Parentz…
frum Hermy da Hottie
"Bloody hell, what is Hermione's problem?" Harry stared at the letter with his mouth hanging ajar for at least 20 minutes before tacking it to his bulletin board with all his other letters. He then opened the second letter, reading:
Report for Harry Potter from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
This student attends Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and has not successfully completed the required course for 5th years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, therefore will be required to retake his 5th year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in this coming school year. Good luck and have a great year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry thanks you for your cooperation and please send donations to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!
-Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
What was WITH these people? They said Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry 7 times in one letter! Well, repeating 5th year wouldn't be too hard. Ron and Hermione could help him with his easy homework. Everything was going to be great! Little did Harry know; he had some insane little problems that would never allow him to finish 5th year. Poor mental chap…
Chapter 3
Chapter 3: The epic speech
Harry sat on the curb outside the DurseDawgs house. He was watching the house of the kid across the street menacingly, while he thought about if he should dance in the middle of the street pointlessly before a truck came, or take a sip out of the gutter.
Just as he was getting up to dance a cat appeared. The cat had stupid markings on its face that to an idiot (like Harry) resembled a pig, but to a sophisticated person such as myself, was obviously spectacles around its tawny brown eyes.
Just as Harry was trying to remember where the heck he had seen that cat before itYspontaneously combusted! Flaming pieces of cat flopped to the unbearably green grass in the neighbors front yard. Harrys eyes widened in horror as he watched all the pieces miss that accursed kids sandbox.
People started coming out of their houses to see what was going on, what they found was completely disgusting! It appeared to anyone who looked at the scene before themself; Harry had blown up the cat. The street was dead silent until the sandbox kid gasped and yelled AKitty go boom! at the top of his lungs.
A 7 year old girl about 3 houses away screamed and began to sob as she looked down at the cat sticker on her shirt
AThe cat...exploded? The man down the street asked stupidly.
Harry could see this wasnt going to be pretty, the stupid man was starting a mob!
AHe did it! That boy over there, by the flaming pile of ash! People started to nod their heads in agreement.
ALets get him! Cmon everyone! We can take him, he looks like a weakling anyways! A woman shouted.
Harry jumped up on the DurseDawgs trash can and raised an arm to the crowd, which immediately silenced.
AI have a dream, Harry begun, A2 minutes ago, a great cat, in whose symbolic ashes we stand, spontaneously combusted here. I was the lone surviving witness of this tragic event and-A But Harrys epic speech was cut short by a brick that was thrown at his head by the stupid man! Harry fell from the trash can, to the ground.
AAAARRRRRGGGGG Harry screamed. But when he looked around the mob, he realized they had spears, axes, and torches. There were protesters for animal rights all over Privit Drive, helicopters were swarming down on them. There were already news-casters and reporters on the scene.
Harry started to cry, why did the cat have to explode in front of HIS house?
Suddenly, a black limousine pulled up. 4 men in tuxedos stepped out with badges in their hands. They had on dark sunglasses and hats. AWe represent the secret service, nobody move. Everyone paused to watch them, even the helicopters had frozen in midair, the blades werent even moving.
The scary guys marched right up to Harry. AAre you Harry Potter? The tallest man asked.
Harry was so scared, that he forgot his name. ANo, my name is...Chuck Harry said the first name that popped into his head.
The man was obviously retarded. AOk, well if you see him, tell him the police are after him! He smiled, winked, pointed in that stupid way, and ran back into the limo, which sped away a billion miles an hour.
The people on the street had all disappeared back into their homes, the helicopters were gone as well. A tumble weed rolled across the road. Strange western music could be heard. Harry went back inside the house, he had completely forgotten everything that had just happened. The DurseDawgs returned from the rap battle, grafitied ADA DURSE DAWGZ RULE on everything they owned, including their car, and entered the house, completely unaware of all the insane little problems that had just occured.
Chapter 4
Chapter 4: Cornelius, the squirrel
Harry sat on his bed, reading the letter Ron had sent him for a 3rd time. It was the weirdest letter Harry had ever seen...and there's no limitation to the strange things Harry sees everyday.
DEAR HARRY:
Today I saw a squirrel, I was talking to him, you know just small talk about the weather and stuff, when he told me that he could read minds. So I asked him what I was thinking, and he told me "You are thinking that squirrel's can't talk" and he suddenly couldn't talk anymore. So I threw an acorn at him to see if he would talk again. But all it did was knock him out. So I put him in my shirt pocket and took him home. I put him in Pig's cage, and made a sign that says "Beware, Cornelius the squirrel who can read minds" Pretty cool huh? He'll be coming to school with me, oh yea by the way, I flunked back to 3rd year...I heard Hermione went all the way back to 1st! She must be retarded. I'll see you tomorrow to get stuff for school!
FROM RON
It was so unfair! Ron got a pet squirrel and Hermione got to all the way back to 1st year! Who would help him with his homework? So Harry sat in his room and cried, he looked at a picture of him and Martha before...the accident.
He glared at the sandbox kid banging the plastic shovel on the side of the sandbox stupidly. Harry was becoming deranged.
His eyes turned red with slits for pupils, his hair grew 6 inches, his back became hunched, a cape fell from the sky and draped over his head, shadowing his entire face.
Voldemort appeared in the closet with a big cheesy smile and a thumbs up, then "poof" he was gone.
Harry jumped out the window (again) and landed in the trash can.
"Hey!" Harry looked to his right, and saw Oscar the Grouch (from Sesame Street) staring at him.
"Whadaya doin' in my trash can?" He asked grudgingly.
Harry was too scared to say anything. After all, a huge green puppet was talking to him in a trash can.
Then, without warning, Oscar broke into song;
This is my trash can
This is my home
Why are you in here?
Get out before I hurt you
Why am I in the trash?
What is this you ask?
Well I will tell you, mental boy
BUM BUM BUUUUM
OOOOHH I LOOOVE TRAAASH
YES I LOOOVE TRAASH
Harry screamed like a little girl and ran for his life. Not looking ahead, he crashed into the sandbox.
The kid started laughing his butt off. These were the type of insane little problems Harry would continue to experience, each and every day of his pathetic life.
Chapter 5
Chapter 5: Grand Theft Auto...Harry style
Harry had just woken up, and was staring his alarm clock down as it buzzed, beeped, and overall annoyed.
Just then, he remembered that Ron and Hermione were meeting him at Diagon Alley today! He began to get ready to go, when he realized that he had no means of transportation.
He pouted, but then he thought of something magical, something insanely wonderful..he could jack a car.
So Harry walked out into the DurseDawg's front yard to look for the perfect car to jack.
He saw "Boss" driving a different car every day...how hard could it be to jack one?
Eyeing the sandbox kid's mother's BMW, he crept over towards the house.
Harry rang the doorbell, he looked down at the mat. It said "WELCOME FRIENDS" in huge red letters.
Friends? These people did not have friends! They were fiends, traitors, and "family people", whatever that meant, Harry did not know. But it seemed to fit, especially with Harry's limited vocabulary...
The door opened.
"How may I help you?" a middle-aged woman asked.
Harry thought for a moment, the woman standing there in the doorway, looking bored.
"Aaaah yes," Harry begun, "I represent the organization of ummm...Car key inspection."
The woman looked halfway amused, halfway annoyed.
"Look kid, you need to at least have some identification before I'm going to hand my car keys over to you."
Harry was enraged by her use of the word "kid".
"Oh no you didn't!" Harry said oddly.
The woman just stood there.
That's when Harry attacked!
He jumped over her head swiftly. Her mouth hung wide open as he grabbed the car keys from the kitchen and ran out the door.
Harry was outta there! (One of his best plans yet...)
The BMW was only 5 feet away now, 4, 3, 2, 1...He unlocked the door, jumped in, realized he was in the back seat, jumped out, and managed to start the car. "BOOYA" he screamed before driving away at top speed.
A/N: Ya, harry learned to drive randomly...don't ask, he just...did.
Chapter 6
Chapter 6: UPS road-rage
Harry sped down the road towards...wherever diagon alley is, he mysteriously knew the way there.
Cars honked at him (he was the worst driver on earth) but he took their honking as a compliment, waving and smiling at the angry drivers. But all of the sudden...he saw the sandbox kid's whole family in a UPS truck two lanes away! Harry panicked, they looked scary...all of them together like that.
So Harry drove faster, he was now pushing 100 mph.
He saw the road-rage of the UPS truck in his review mirror, and slammed his foot on the pedal as hard as humanly possible, this was going to get ugly.
The "sandbox" family's faces were all red with anger as they chased Harry like mad with the overgrown truck. But Harry was pressing the pedal so hard, it exploded!
The car burnt some major rubber as it came to a screeching halt, but luckily, the UPS's road-rage had wiped all the other cars off the road.
Harry was shaken, but overall unharmed (aww crap)
But the car would not move an inch, it just sat, as useless as spontaneously combusted cat remains.
Harry began to cry (this is like the third time) The UPS truck sped past him, it was going so fast that it couldn't stop. The sandbox kid hung his head out the window like a dog, and laughed when he saw the un-moving car. The truck eventually stopped, and the family got out and began coming towards Harry!