"Let man fear woman when she loves; then she makes any sacrifice, and everything else seems without value to her."
- Fredrich Nietzsche
Sometimes things seemed like they were going to be the hardest thing that you'd ever do in your life. For Felicity, this moment definitely felt like it would be the hardest thing she'd do in her whole entire life. No matter what lie ahead, this would definitely be the most painful and difficult thing she'd do in her entire life.
As she waited, she thought of a million ways to say what needed to be said. None of them seemed right. None of them felt like she would be able to get the words out without breaking down. How could she do it though? This was never the life that she had intended leading and now that she had it, she certainly had never expected to say goodbye to it. Felicity would forever look at the world around her differently.
"Hey," Oliver greeted as he entered the Foundry. A bright smile lit up his face the moment he saw her. "I thought you had to work late?" he asked. That's what she'd told him while she'd tried to talk herself up to going there.
"I did, but I got off earlier than I thought I was going to," she told him and partly that was true. She'd been at Palmer Technologies the whole time. Felicity had pulled back her hair into a ponytail when she'd arrived at the Foundry, but other than that, she was in an airy light coral colored blouse with a black skirt. She pushed her glasses up on the bridge of her nose a bit as she thought of what she had to say, what she had to do… "I thought that I'd come by and see you before it was too late." She looked around, half expecting to see someone else enter. It was odd to her when it was so quiet. "No John or Roy?"
"Baby Sara…and then Roy…he said he had something to do," Oliver said as he approached, his gear slowly being stowed. His mask had been removed and his hood was down.
Felicity turned in the computer chair, tracking him as he moved around the Foundry, inching herself forward in the chair. "I have to tell you something, Oliver."
"If it's about having to work late, Felicity—"
"No. It's not that."
Her voice must have betrayed her because he turned and looked at her and looked worried. She hadn't wanted to tip him off to anything being wrong. "What is it?"
"I—"
Deep breath, Felicity.
"I can't do this anymore."
Oliver just stared at her, his smile was long gone and he just seemed shocked. Had she broken him? He seemed to be trying to form words. "You can't…" He cleared his throat for a moment before going on. "You can't do what anymore?"
Don't cry, Felicity.
"I can't be apart of the team anymore," Felicity told him and tried to stay calm. It was hard, though. Inside, she was screaming to tell him the truth. Sometimes, though, you just couldn't tell the truth…no matter how much you wanted to.
"If there's a problem, Felicity," Oliver said slowly and he was obviously trying to remain calm. "We can talk about it."
Felicity shook her head. She couldn't get emotional, but she also couldn't drag it out. She needed to say what she was there to say and get out of there. "There's nothing to talk about."
"Felicity—"
"Oliver, I just can't," she said as she got to her feet. He caught her wrist and stopped her. She turned to look at him. She knew that she had hurt and confused him.
She wanted to tell him everything.
She couldn't.
This was how it had to be.
"I'll fix whatever it is," Oliver promised and practically pleaded.
Tears welled up in her eyes as she stared at him. "This is something that you simply cannot fix, Oliver. I'm sorry. You…you know how I feel about you, but this…us…it's never going to work. I have to move on with my life…and that means that I can't do this anymore."
"Felicity…"
She wanted him to say something.
Anything.
Felicity was convinced that he could say anything that was somewhat convincing and she'd cave. She could be strong and she could keep a secret, but from Oliver… She hated lying to him. She hated keeping secrets from him. This…this was too much.
He didn't say anything.
Heartbroken, she closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them again, the tears fell. "Goodbye, Oliver," she whispered as her voice broke. She didn't need to pull herself away from him, slowly he released his hold on her wrist. Felicity turned away from him and didn't look back as she left. She couldn't, Oliver would see how much it was killing her and she…Felicity didn't think that she could bear to see the look on his face.
This had to be done.
No matter how much it broke both of their hearts.
"You okay?"
"No."
"Okay…" he whispered and kept his distance. "Is there anything I can do to make it easier?"
Felicity turned to see Ray standing in the doorway of her bedroom. It was still unsettling for him to be there. Maybe it was because it was her place to be her and not have to worry about appearances. There were a thousand things that she could think of to say to him, things that would make it better…but none of them could be done.
This was her life now.
Almost.
"No," she whispered and tried to put on a smile for him. Felicity was fairly sure that even though she hadn't known Ray Palmer for that long, he could at least see through that. She was starting to feel like no matter what, she'd always be miserable. Nothing would help that, she'd just have to go through her life smiling and pretending that it was exactly how she'd always imagined. It would be a facade, but she thought that she could do it.
Maybe.
She had to.
"I sent you some links to a couple of places that I thought you might like," Ray said a moment later. "Not too over the top, but still with plenty of space… I know that this will be a big transition for you and I wanted you to be able to have your own space."
Felicity just nodded. Everything was moving so fast. She had to say goodbye to her friends, her best ones… She hadn't even said a proper goodbye to Roy or Diggle. Diggle was really the one that she'd wished she could have hugged and said goodbye to out of the two, only because she was closer to him. Felicity had a good idea that he'd turn up in the next couple of days to see what was going on and to probably convince her to return to Team Arrow.
She couldn't.
It was out of her control.
In two days, her life was going to be forever changed. She'd be married, living with a man that she barely knew. Her life wasn't going to feel like hers. Felicity already felt that. She crossed her arms over her chest, she hunched over a bit, her head down, and her focus pulled to the floor. Never in her life had she felt like a choice she had made felt so much out of her control, like she was absolutely helpless.
"Felicity?"
She looked up again. "I'm sorry… I—I didn't hear you."
Ray sighed and she could tell that he could tell exactly how she felt. Felicity tried to keep her tears and sadness inside though. He closed the distance between them and embraced her. He held her, holding on tight, and swayed just a little. It was just enough to push her emotions over the edge and for her to break down. Ray held her through the sobs and pressed a kiss into her hair. "It's all going to be okay, Felicity… We don't have to rush things…"
The thing was.
They did.
"I shouldn't be doing this…" she mumbled as she pulled back from him.
Ray seemed confused. "You're home. If you can't break down here, then where can you?"
"But I shouldn't…"
"I'm not hurt that you're crying, I just wish I could make it better for you…easier…" Ray told her quietly as he gently brushed tears from her cheeks.
Felicity didn't know what to tell him. Ray had always been so kind to her, well…once he'd gotten past that creepy stalker phase. They connected on an intellectual level and she couldn't deny that he was handsome. Was Ray Palmer the man that she would have chosen to marry a week ago? No. Was he the man that she'd marry, just the same, though? Yes.
"I just…I need time."
"I don't want you to think that this is easy for me," Ray told her quietly and quite seriously. "It's not that the thought of marrying you isn't a wonderful one. I think that we're perfect for each other, but I never expected to spend the rest of my life with anyone in this way… I am doing my best…and if it isn't good enough, I just need you to tell me how I can make it easier or better for you in any way…" He paused for a moment. "And if you want to talk. I'm here."
"You're sweet," Felicity whispered. She brought herself up on her toes and kissed his cheek. She knew that it wasn't going to be perfect, but she appreciated that they'd be in it together. It didn't really bring her the comfort that she hoped for, but it was still something.
"It's late."
"We should go to bed," Felicity told him as she took his hand.
There was a shyness about dressing in front of someone else…someone new. She'd purposely stalled for more time and had gotten it when Ray had been dressed and out of the bedroom and bathroom before she was finished. Felicity just didn't know how to act around Ray, not in that state or circumstance. She knew that she was going to have to learn, but it was so hard for her to try to push herself…and the last thing she wanted was to break down in front of Ray again. It only made him feel worse about things and she didn't want that.
They were good together, she reminded herself as she zipped up her dress. Felicity stared at herself in the full length mirror as she smoothed out the fabric. This was her life now. She had thought that she'd already accepted it, but maybe Ray was right…maybe they needed to find a place together…maybe that would help things.
Today, she'd be going in to Palmer Technologies just for a few hours…but then she had a lot of shopping to do. Normally, shopping with a credit card with an unlimited spending amount would be her dream come true, but now she found herself wishing that that part of the day would take its time getting there. Everything that they did today and tomorrow, it was the close to the life that she'd led so far.
It would mean the end of Felicity Smoak.
Her fingers ran briefly through the curled ends of her hair as she stared at her reflection. She had to go forward. She had to keep her word. It didn't make it easier, though. Marriage for a woman meant so much more than it did for a man. Typically it meant changing your last name…which in turn meant changing all of your government cards, it meant your body changing and hormones flowing like crazy if you decided to have kids, and it meant all the emotions… Of course, Ray had to put up with everything…which right now meant her crazy emotional outbursts and her being awkward and shy around him.
"Felicity? You okay? Breakfast is ready…but it's going to have to be on the go," Ray called.
She realized that she was crying. Felicity wiped the tears away and sucked in a deep breath. "I'm coming," she said and hoped that it sounded calm and normal to him. Looking around, she grabbed her bag and then stepped into her heels. Her jacket, she grabbed on her way out of the bedroom. "You didn't need to make anything," she told him.
Ray looked a little shocked, but smiled. "Breakfast is the most important part of the day," he told her. "Hasn't anyone told you?"
Felicity smiled. "It's vaguely familiar…" she teased lightly as she took the travel mug that he offered. "I do love you for having coffee ready." She smiled for a moment and then realized she used the word 'love' and opened her mouth to say something, but Ray spoke first.
"Don't worry around me," Ray told her. "It's okay," he assured before handing her a plate with a breakfast sandwich and cut-up fruit on it. "I insist that you eat, though," he said quickly as he pulled on his suit jacket once she had the plate in hand. "I'll drive."
"But I'm going to need my car, too."
Ray shook his head. "They'll be a car service that'll pick you up and take you all over town today… I heard that when Oliver Queen was CEO that he had a body guard slash driver…so that's the kind of person I hired for you today." He paused and seemed worried as he held his hand on the doorknob. "I want to keep you safe, especially after everything that's happened."
Felicity really wasn't sure what feeling to go with as Ray opened the door and held it for her. She carried her coffee and plate out as she watched him lock up her apartment. This was all really too weird to her. There was just so much to process. "I'm not the CEO," she reminded. The fact was, Oliver never actually needed a bodyguard…though they'd kept up that facade even after everything.
"But you are important to me and you're going to be Mrs. Felicity Palmer tomorrow," he reminded quietly. "I don't want anything to happen to you… I hope you know that and understand that…" Ray was staring at her almost too intently. "I will do anything in my power to keep you safe…and to keep you happy."
She knew that she should be touched and even comforted by Ray's words, but it just made her sad. Felicity tried not to let it show, keeping a smile firmly in place. "You're sweet," she whispered before moving towards his car. Felicity paused when she noticed Ray was really keeping an eye out, his hand resting gently against the middle of her back. "What?"
"I just…"
"We're not supposed to talk about it," Felicity told him before he could finish his thought. She stared at him and she wondered if he was struggling with it so much more than she had originally thought.
"Doesn't that bother you?"
"Yes," she said quickly and started to walk again, he moved along with her a split second later. "But it has to be this way," Felicity insisted. He opened the car door for her and she slid in, immediately setting the travel mug into the cup holder and finding a good spot for her purse and coat. It was hard because she really did want to talk about it, but Felicity knew that they couldn't. This was how it had to be and it was almost easier for her to focus on every little boring detail of the day, because it was all that she could do to hold it all together. Ray closed the door, she watched as he rounded the car, Felicity pulled her seatbelt until it snapped into place, and then stared down at the plate in her lap.
"We can play hooky today if you want," Ray told her gently. "I'll go and run all the errands with you…or we can just throw it all out the window."
It was tempting.
Felicity really wanted to say 'yes'. She just wanted to tell him that they should go and hide away. Felicity knew that she could be happy just forgetting the world…but they couldn't. There was too much that they were responsible for. They couldn't just drop the ball. "We can't…"
"I'm the CEO and you're the VP," Ray told her. "We can do anything we want."
"Ray… We have a company to run…"
"We're getting married tomorrow," Ray told her as he started up the car and looked over to her. He just sat there, staring at her, for a really long time. "I think you and I deserve the time off. If we don't take it today, then we're going to go somewhere for a week… Anywhere in the world you want…"
"Ray—"
"No arguments. I insist."
Felicity tilted her head to the side. "Thank you."
"For what?" he asked as he pulled back slightly, surprised, almost like the surprise had physically hit him.
"Because you're a good guy—"
"That doesn't quite sound as flattering as I feel it should feel."
A smile crept onto her face. "And you're really trying to make this as easy for me as possible."
"I promise that being married to me isn't going to be as painful as it might seem."
"Felicity?"
She was nearly in a state of shock or…overwhelm…or well, it was definitely something where Felicity just couldn't deal. She'd zoned out and her name being spoken in a familiar voice was what had broken her from it. If not for Lyla showing up, Felicity was fairly sure that she would have just sat there staring at the three dresses and not making any kind of decision. "What are you doing here?" she asked slowly as she stared at Lyla rounding the sitting area to sit next to her.
"I figured that you really shouldn't be here doing this alone."
"Who told you?" she asked a moment later. Felicity turned her head back to focus on the dresses once again. She didn't even know why she needed to pick one. They were basically having a private ceremony, but publicity pictures would be taken and printed in magazines and likely all over the internet.
Lyla didn't respond right away. "I wish I could tell you that it was John—"
"But he doesn't know that I'm here or what I'm doing today," Felicity explained. "I've actually been waiting for him to show up and try to talk me out of all of this."
"I talked him out of it."
"You could probably talk him out of anything," Felicity commented as she looked over to Lyla. She wondered how much she knew and how long she'd known. It wasn't like this had just happened the day before, even though it felt like that. It had been weeks now…Felicity just had put it all off until the last minute, she'd hoped that things would change.
They hadn't.
Lyla shrugged. "Maybe… You're probably right, though."
"I really don't want anything to do with you," Felicity said and felt sick as tears pricked her eyes. "I never thought I'd say that…but I guess it'll make things easier moving forward and not looking back…as much as I hate the thought of never talking to John again…or seeing Sara…" She leaned forward, her elbows on her thighs, and her hands covering her face.
"I never wanted any of this for you…for any of you," Lyla spoke up after a long silence.
Felicity didn't believe her. She didn't feel like she could trust her ever again. She had to cut off all ties. Felicity hated that thought, but it felt like the only way it was going to work. The only way that she could stay sane through it all, to keep her heart from being broken over and over again.
"But Waller—"
"We're not supposed to talk about it," Felicity said quickly as her hands dropped and she looked over to Lyla sitting there. "She's probably listening…waiting in the shadows…"
"You sound like some kind of conspiracy theorist…"
Felicity shrugged, her elbows still on her thighs. "Does it matter? My life is over… And you've had a hand in it."
"Just because I work for ARGUS doesn't mean that—"
"Yes, it does."
Lyla let out a sigh. "I'd pick the one on the right." And then she was gone without another word.
Down to two.
Did it matter?
Felicity really couldn't be sure, but she knew that she should act like she cared and like this would be the only wedding dress that she'd ever wear, but that was hard. It was too much too fast. The dress that she'd decided was no longer in the running because Lyla liked it wasn't to her liking really anyways. It was just too shiny, it had so much bling on it…it was nearly completely silver. The remaining two dresses were beautiful and she knew that she could choose either one, she had an unlimited amount to spend…but her heart just wasn't in it.
"How is it going, Ms. Smoak?"
She turned to see the bridal consultant standing there. She'd been extremely helpful and overly cheerful. "The middle one," Felicity decided. She just wanted to be done. She wanted to finish making the rest of the arrangements and go home. Felicity knew that that meant facing Ray again and making more decisions, but she was okay with that. She'd be home. It might be her last night at the townhouse that had been her home for so long, but still…it was home. There was comfort there.
"Are you satisfied with how it fits?"
Felicity nodded. "I can still take it home tonight?"
"Actually, the head seamstress would like to double check the beading on it and steam it. I've talked to the manager and we'd like to deliver it to your home in a couple of hours if that's agreeable."
"You don't have to go to all that trouble."
"Oh, it's no trouble at all, Ms. Smoak," the woman insisted. "Have you decided on shoes or other accessories? I know you were unsure about a veil…"
"No veil," Felicity said quickly. "I'll pull the other items in a moment."
"I will meet you up front when you're ready," the woman told her and gave her space.
She supposed that this was how she would be treated for the rest of her life. Felicity had picked out the bridal shop and Ray had made the arrangements. So, these people knew exactly who she was married, plus they knew that she had an unlimited price point. Making these decisions was hard and Felicity had thought about just pointing and saying 'yes' to whatever she saw first, but then she'd reminded herself that they had to present an image to the public. She needed to be beautiful and fitting to be the wife of Ray Palmer.
"I wish my mom were here," she mumbled under her breath as she looked through the hair accessories. Felicity didn't think that she would have wished that a year before…or even six months before…but now… Felicity hadn't even called her and told her that there was a wedding. She knew that she'd be so proud of her that she was marrying Ray, but Felicity just couldn't deal with faking excitement. Felicity grabbed a box of heels in the correct size that were rather beautifully embellished and she was certain that they would match her dress. Now all she had to do was take everything to the front and make the arrangements for the dress to be delivered.
"I have a surprise…"
Felicity sighed as she laid across her couch. "I'm really not sure if I can take a surprise right now."
Ray walked over and handed her a glass of wine.
"Okay, so this will probably help," Felicity told him as she sat up just enough to sip her wine. "Yes, this will definitely help."
"You know how we agreed on inviting two people each?"
Felicity nodded. "I invited Lyla and John, but they're not going to be able to make it…" Deep down, she sort of wished that Diggle showed up, but she didn't think so. She thought that Lyla was likely to convince him not to show up. In all honesty, Felicity had wanted to invite Oliver. She wanted him to be there, but she didn't think he'd actually come and she didn't think she could go through with the wedding if Oliver was actually there.
"I only invited one."
"Oh-kay," she said extremely slowly as she watched him as he sat down next to her. She knew that there was something else coming and that Ray was just holding it back. Felicity just didn't understand why.
"I invited your mother."
"My…mother?"
Ray shrugged. "You said that you didn't want her to have to make the trip because of not being able to miss her job, but I made all the arrangements. I paid for her flight and her accommodations. I wanted it to be like a paid vacation for her… I know the two of you didn't seem to have the best visit the last time she was here…"
"It was…complicated…"
"Exactly! But think about how nice it'll be to have her here for a week."
"A week?" Felicity questioned. "I thought you insisted on us taking a honeymoon?"
Ray tilted his head back and forth. "But you reminded me we have responsibilities. So, I decided to compromise. I want you to either take the week off or half days…the week following the wedding, so you can spend time for your mom. After that, we'll head off for two weeks to the destination of your choosing."
"Two weeks?"
"We can go longer if you want…"
"No! No… That's long enough…"
"Have you thought about where you wanted to go? Do you have a bucket list?"
Felicity smiled at him as she sipped her wine. "I don't know…"
"Well, it doesn't have to be two weeks at just one place. We could travel…make it a honeymoon world tour… I mean it. Anything you want, Felicity."
"You know, you spoil me."
"No," Ray said firmly and quite seriously. "I give you exactly what you deserve. You just aren't used to it."
"When is my mom coming?" she asked, deciding not to argue.
"I have a car picking her up and she should be here in time to join us for dinner…which is also being delivered."
Felicity shook her head. "Which will probably be when my dress is going to be dropped off."
"Do I get to see it?"
"Bad luck."
"What if I don't believe in bad luck?"
Felicity smiled. Somehow, Ray always made her smile even if she felt like she was going to die of embarrassment, crumble into a complete breakdown, or she just couldn't deal. It was like his superpower. "Tomorrow."
"Tomorrow can't come soon enough."
Sadness filled her, but she tried to keep the happy facade in place. She didn't want to be a complete mess tonight, the day had already been hard enough. Plus, her mother would be there soon and it just wouldn't bode well to be so sad or depressed with her mother there, especially the night before her wedding.
"You know, you CAN talk about it," Ray told her gently.
"Waller said—"
"I've swept this place for bugs—"
Felicity knew exactly where Amanda Waller and ARGUS stood as far as technology. "She has everything way ahead it comes out, Ray. How do we REALLY know that we can safely talk about anything…anywhere? Nowhere is safe…and I probably sound like a crazy person…"
"I know this was never your plan," Ray told her seriously. "Marrying me, I mean."
"I might have pondered it for a split second," Felicity admitted. It hadn't helped that she'd realized that she had a type. "And it's not because the money or anything… I mean, that's nice. I like nice things—"
"You deserve them."
Felicity shook her head, banishing that thought away. Ray made her feel special, wanted, and appreciated. It took more than that to make a marriage work. A real one. "But it's because of the person you are…and also, you get bonus points for being able to do the salmon ladder."
Ray smiled. "How many people do you know that can do that?"
"Shirtless?" Felicity blurted out and then shook her head. The mental images piled up. Some of those images…those memories…they made her so sad because she couldn't ever go back. This was her life now. "Two," she whispered and stared at the nearly empty wine glass in her hands.
"I have competition then?" he teased.
She knew that he was just teasing and trying to make her smile, but all she wanted to do was to cry. Felicity stretched out her arm until the wine glass was safely on the coffee table. She sat up and launched herself into Ray's arms. He let out a a surprised sound, almost like she'd knocked the air from his lungs. Her eyes teared up and she felt horrible. "How is this going to work?" she whispered as she tried to keep her voice level.
"I told you, I'm not going to push you, Felicity."
"But Waller—"
"We've done what she wanted," Ray told her. "Or we will…" He grabbed her arms and moved her, so that they were staring at each other for a moment. "Right?"
Felicity nodded.
"I know I'm not your first choice, Felicity—"
"It's not that."
"Then, what is it?"
She stared at him for a long moment. Felicity trusted him. No matter what happened, no matter that Ray had changed Queen Consolidated to Palmer Technologies, he was a good person. She was absolutely positive of that. "You don't know everything about my life… You've been so good to me… So good through everything that Waller has thrown at us." A sob hit her and she took a moment before she could speak clearly. "And you've never once asked how I'm connected to her…"
"She said that she'd kill the people that you love."
"She didn't mean my mom," Felicity said as she stared at Ray.
Ray nodded. "My competition then?"
She sucked in breath and Felicity allowed herself to nod quickly. "And probably friends…well, at least one—"
"John Diggle? Oliver Queen?"
Felicity just stared at him, trying to figure out how he'd figured that out.
"They're pretty much the only people you talk about, Felicity," Ray told her. "Don't worry, though… They're safe now. And I intend to make the situation that will be our marriage…one where you don't feel like you've given up your whole life."
"That's the thing," she whispered. "I have."
"I don't understand."
"Whenever I was on crazy phone calls… When I left you at that important dinner… It was because I have a night job—"
"Felicity, I pay you—"
Felicity shook her head quickly. "It's not like a paying job." She sighed. "I work with the Arrow…"
"The green hooded vigilante who uses a bow and arrows?" Ray asked and seemed surprised.
She shrugged. "I guess I needed adventure in my life."
Ray was quiet for a long while. "That's a lot to compete with."
"I had to leave that all behind though," she whispered as another sob hit her. "I know it sounds stupid, but that's probably what I'll miss the most about being Felicity Smoak."
"You will ALWAYS be Felicity Smoak."
He didn't understand.
Ray Palmer was a smart man, but this…this he just didn't understand. It was like Amanda Waller had killed her. That she'd stripped away nearly everything in her life that made her happy…that made life worth living. Of course she had her mother and she had Ray… Ray really was a good person…a good man. Felicity knew that technically she couldn't complain, but it didn't make it any easier.
"I think I need another glass," Felicity said a moment later as she sat back, her feet curled up under her.
Ray's hand caressed her cheek, even as tears fell. He leaned forward and kissed her forehead and then her cheek. "No matter what… I will be here for you, Felicity," Ray told her. A moment later, he got up with her wine glass and headed for the kitchen.
So many regrets.
Felicity had chalked up her lack of keeping her emotions in control to regret. It wasn't even that she regretted her deal with Waller. It's that she had wished that she'd pushed things with Oliver, just so she knew how it might have really turned out between them. The date…the kiss…everything that had come before…it had all proved to her that they could be good together, if only Oliver would allow it to happen.
Regret was going to kill her.
Painfully.
Slowly.
"That dress is amazing…"
Staring at her reflection was a little surreal. Her mother was standing there, staring back at them in it. It was something that she'd never thought would happen. She was dressed so beautifully in the white wedding gown with her mother right there next to her, happy and loving her. "I'm allowed to cry, right?" she whispered as she forced herself to keep from getting sick.
"Happy tears are always allowed!" her mom practically beamed.
So far, she'd mostly been able to keep her act in place. Her mother had noticed here and there, but Felicity had put it off as just being nervous and tired and probably coming down with some kind of bug. Felicity was fairly sure that her mother had bought it so far, but there was no real way of telling. "He's a good guy, you know…"
"He's worth—"
"I mean it, Mom. He really IS a good guy."
Donna Smoak smiled and nodded her head. "He really is… I'm glad that you have him. You deserve to be happy. It makes ME happy to know that you'll have Ray to spend your life with, you two are so alike in so many ways…and I honestly was concerned that if you didn't have someone who was at the same smart level that you're at that you just would never be happy…and that I'd never see grandchildren. I WANT grandchildren."
Felicity smiled, just a little. "Not sure about the grandchildren yet, Mom."
"That's why there's a honeymoon." Her mother was quiet for a long moment. "You're so beautiful, Felicity," Donna spoke up, so full of happy emotions. It looked like she was going to cry, but Felicity knew it was because her mother was happy for her. She was happy that she was marrying Ray.
This was for the best, she reminded herself.
The best.
"You okay?" Donna asked.
Felicity nodded quickly, looking away from the mirror and pushing away tears in hopes of keeping her mascara from running. Everything was perfect really, but it was still hard to think that this was the end to her life in so many ways. How did she explain that? She couldn't. Not even Ray could understand. The only people who COULD, she couldn't tell…
"Felicity…"
"I just wish that my friends could be here…"
"Why aren't they?"
Felicity shrugged. "I guess Ray and I being together…it just means that I have to be different…that we can't be friends anymore…"
"Honey, if that's the case…then it's either Ray or your friends who have a problem."
"Maybe it's just hard to be friends with guys…"
Donna seemed to suddenly understand things. "Oh…" She sighed as she ran her hand along Felicity's cheek. "Honey, it's never easy with men… They think we're the ones who are hard to understand, but the truth is…they're the ones who never make sense… It's hard to be friends with them…unless they're gay…then they're the best."
Felicity burst out a laugh. "I suppose…"
"I forgot to ask you if you had your something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue," Donna brought up.
Shaking her head, she tried to keep calm. "I'm really not superstitious about that kind of stuff." Okay, so maybe normally she would do the whole traditional kind of thing with that, but it was more of a pressure on her more than anything else.
"Well, you have the something new with the dress and everything," Donna pointed out. "I'm sure I have something that you can borrow…and maybe something old…the blue is the hard part. A lot of people will do blue on their garter…"
"I don't have a garter…"
"Why not?!"
"Mom…"
"Felicity, you're only going to get married ONCE."
Once.
She would only die once, too.
Unless the zombie apocalypse hit.
"Is there something that I don't know?" Donna questioned. "Is there something you're not telling me? Something about Ray?"
Yes.
God, how she wanted to tell her everything. How Felicity wanted to be able to have some other person besides Ray that she could talk to about all of this. She couldn't… It was far too dangerous and her mother was the last person that she wanted to put in that position. She needed to be protected. Felicity would keep her as safe as she possibly could. That just meant putting on a good show and keeping her facade up.
"Is he abusive? Are you marrying him for his money?"
Felicity's mouth dropped open.
That had escalated quickly.
"No! No! Mom! It's not any of that… It's just… It's a small ceremony… We'll do the press pictures and all of that, but it's just us and you…that's it. There's no need for a garter or anything like that," Felicity covered. "The dress is special enough, don't you think so?"
"Well, yes! I mean! Look at it!"
Her mother grabbed her and turned her until she was staring at herself in the mirror. She really was beautiful…the dress was perfect. It was white, long, and flowy. There was a bow at the back and the v-neck top of the dress was beautifully encrusted with beaded detailing that turned into cap sleeves and wrapped around to the back with a diamond opening at the middle back. Her hair was pulled back, curls were pinned so that they were up off of her neck and beautiful beaded hair pins adorned the mess of blonde curls. It would be so perfect, if not for the circumstances…if not for the lack of people that she actually wanted to be in attendance for her special day.
"He's a good man, Mom," she whispered. Donna hugged her from behind and Felicity just stared at them in the mirror. "We need to make sure we get a picture," she blurted out. Tears threatened to fall, but she kept them at bay. "When was the last time we ever took one?"
"It's been years…" Donna told her with a smile and tears fell from her face. "Your hair was a different color…"
She let out a short laugh. "Yeah…" Felicity pushed out slowly. " A lot was different then…"
There was a knock on the door. "It must be time."
Felicity started to turn as her mother did when she pressed down on the button on her phone to check to see if she missed messages, even though she knew that was impossible since she would have heard, but the time was what really caught her attention. They still had plenty of time… "Mom, I'm not expecting anyone…"
"It's probably Ray," Donna told her. "He's probably worried that you've got cold feet…" She was beaming now as she reached for the door. She motioned for Felicity to step back away from the door. "Now, you stay back… Bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding…"
So, Felicity took a step back and waited as her mom turned the doorknob. Instead of her mother peeking through the small two inches of open space…the door was flung open, her mother flew backwards, and her little room was invaded by soldiers. Felicity let out a scream that joined her mother's. They hauled her mother out and there was nothing she could do about it.
"You're coming with us, Ms. Smoak. Sorry that you'll be late to the altar."
From that moment, she knew that they were ARGUS.
It was true that they could be with a different group and ransom her, Ray would pay whatever they asked to get her back. Felicity knew that for sure. But this was ARGUS. Something had happened. As much as she knew that she needed to worry about her mother, she was suddenly more worried about Ray. The deal with Waller involved both of them, it wasn't just all on her. As they hauled her through the building, she looked in each direction looking for some sign that they weren't taking Ray. She'd caught a glimpse of her mother being shoved back into the room and locked in, Felicity was thankful for that.
She'd lost her heels in the building on purpose, but had tried to keep her dress from being torn or dirtied. Felicity was fairly sure that Waller wasn't going to change their deal. This was how it had to be and she had to prepare to return to the building and marry Ray Palmer. No matter the detour, she had to keep it together…in every way.
The room was dark and Felicity was tired of standing. She'd wanted a chair, but she hadn't wanted to ask. She figured that Waller wouldn't keep her waiting, but apparently she was wrong. Felicity started to pace, trying to keep the hem and train off the ground. She didn't know why she was there and she couldn't imagine WHY Waller would pull her before the wedding. The wedding was what Waller wanted. This was all her plan and they were cooperating.
She wanted to cry, but she couldn't. Felicity wanted to shout for help…for Oliver…for the Arrow. She couldn't. It would be useless. Plus, it would probably irk Waller and might concern her that Felicity wasn't completely dedicated in following through with their arrangements. The thing was, she was going to do it. She wouldn't even think of breaking it. The consequences of those actions were too hard for her to even think about.
The door open and Felicity was surprised to not only find a chair being dragged in, but Waller as well. She stayed back and just waited. It took her a moment until she realized that more people were coming in as two guards herded her towards the far wall. She tried to move, so that she could see who else was entering and she felt so much better when she finally caught glimpse of Ray.
"I'm sure you two are confused," Waller announced as the door shut and she began to motion to the guards, who pushed Felicity and Ray into chairs in the middle of the room.
They were about five feet apart, so even if she wanted to reach out, she didn't think she could touch him. Felicity wanted to ask him if he was okay, but she remained quiet and just hoped that Waller would explain what was going on.
"You two were doing exactly as we agreed."
"So why are we here?" Ray asked and he seemed pissed.
"Someone else is attempting to break our deal," Waller said. She moved towards Felicity and she inwardly cringed. "You didn't break it off with him soon enough…"
"Who?!" Ray questioned as he looked between Waller and Felicity.
Felicity had hoped that it wouldn't come to this, but she had expected that since Diggle hadn't come to visit her that it meant that Oliver was going to leave things. She'd just told herself that he was going to go and take a little trip to Lian Yu or something to recenter and then he'd be back in Starling City being a vigilante.
"The Arrow…" Waller responded slowly as she looked between them. "But you know who he really is, Doctor Palmer."
"Do I?"
Her head dropped and tears fell from her eyes. Felicity couldn't help it. Because of her…was Waller going to blab the identity of the Arrow? Because of her…Oliver was pursuing her because she didn't do things the way she was supposed to. Everything was in danger because of her. This was her fault. Felicity looked up to see Waller staring right at her now.
"When we originally came to this arrangement, I promised you each something in private and then we agreed to terms together. Perhaps it's time that you two discuss all of your secrets before you finally tie the knot," Waller announced.
"Just let me talk to him," Felicity blurted out a plea without even really thinking about it. "Please…just let me talk to him. I can set things right… The wedding can go on as planned… Everything can be in place…" She had to fix things. If she failed to make things right, then it was all for nothing.
Waller's lips seemed to form a more mischievous smile than normal and Felicity didn't feel like that look boded well for any of them. "I had a feeling you'd feel that way…"
"If I could—"
The clatter of the door opening followed by yells that sounded far too familiar brought Felicity's attention to the door and away from Waller and her thoughts. Her mouth fell open as the sight of the Arrow being dragged in by several guards kept her attention. She wanted to scream at Waller and she wanted to scream Oliver's name. Felicity almost did, but then she remembered that Ray was there when she caught a glance of him.
"Care to introduce Doctor Palmer, or shall I?" Waller questioned. "Or more lies?"
Secrets.
It wasn't a lie, it was a secret.
Really, she was protecting Ray as much as she was protecting Oliver and herself. Felicity felt sick and she didn't know how to handle herself. "Please," she begged as tears seemed to explode from her.
"We promised," Ray spoke up all too calmly. "So…let them talk."
"Are you sure you wouldn't like to know who your future wife wished to ensure was kept safe and alive? Who she loves, but is giving it all up for you?" Waller asked. Amanda Waller was good at knowing far too much information and Felicity had realized that she knew exactly how to push buttons.
To her surprise, Ray reacted calmly and rationally. "And I made you promise that you'd keep her safe…that you wouldn't harm Felicity…in exchange, we'd get married and you'd have access to anything that comes out of Palmer Technologies…" Ray paused. "So far, I'm seeing that you don't uphold your agreements as my fiancee seems quite upset… You've ruined our wedding day and I wouldn't be surprised if your men left bruises…"
Her.
Ray had agreed to it all to keep her safe. Even though they hadn't known each other long, he was already willing to protect her. Felicity didn't know how to feel about that. She sucked in a breath and tried to steady herself, but it only seemed to upset her more. How could she process this on top of everything else?
Ray wanted her safe.
It was certainly unexpected.
Felicity looked between Ray and Waller. She didn't know what would happen. One thing that she'd learned in the short time that they'd worked at all with ARGUS and Waller was that both were dangerous. Both you wanted as your ally, but at the same time…they couldn't be trusted. Waller wanted what she want, but she played by her rules.
Her rules.
Not Ray's.
"Fine," Amanda finally decided in a clipped tone. "Let's leave them for a minute…but all three of them."
Felicity's eyes closed and she knew that that meant that she couldn't do what she would have if Ray wasn't there. She couldn't speak his name and she couldn't make herself clear. It almost made it worse because Felicity knew that Ray would be watching her every move. As much as she appreciated how he'd been with everything, she just didn't know if she could wedge a knife deeper into him. That's how it had seemed up into this point. Every tear he witness hurt him more.
The guards and Waller left them alone and for a long moment, none of them moved. They were silent and the only sound was Felicity's ragged breath as she tried to contain her sobs. She was trying to calm down, but it was harder than one would think. She looked at Ray and then looked towards where Oliver sat dressed in the green leather costume that she was far too familiar with.
"This is my fault," she pushed out in a whisper.
"No, it's not," Ray spoke up.
Felicity turned to look at him.
"It's not," Ray insisted. "Whoever your friend in the costume is…if you love him, you didn't do anything wrong."
"Ray, I—"
"You two go talk in that corner and I'll do my best to give you privacy," Ray said as he got up from his chair and dragged it to the far corner before sitting in it and facing the wall.
Her mouth hung open for a moment and then she sucked in a deep breath and pushed it out. The room wasn't large, but it was still a sweet gesture. She turned to Oliver and finally got up from her chair, he was already standing. The distance between them was too far even though it was just a few feet. Felicity couldn't help it and flung herself at him, his arms almost instantly wrapped around her. It was like going home. She didn't know how she'd lived without it for so long already.
"I'm sorry," she blurted out.
It was the truth.
Oliver squeezed her and it made her feel like she was almost glued to him. "You didn't have to do this…"
"Waller will kill you. I couldn't live with that."
"Felicity—"
She pulled back and stared at him, she turned him so that his back was to Ray's. Felicity reached up and removed his mask, but kept the hood up. Tears fell, but she felt almost content in that moment. Her fingers ran along his face and she just stared at him like she was trying to memorize his face even though she already knew it. "What do I do?"
"Don't marry Ray. If you don't love him, don't do that."
"She will KILL you," Felicity told him clearly, slowly, and emphasized each individual word.
He almost smiled. "So, let her try."
"I—"
"There's still the pesky point that Amanda Waller WILL kill Felicity," Ray spoke up.
When they turned though, Ray was still in his chair facing the wall in the far corner. "I can handle Waller."
"I don't know that I can risk it."
Felicity let out a shaky breath as she thought about it all. "He's right," she whispered. "It's just a piece of paper, right? It's just my last name…"
"You know she won't let it end there," Oliver pushed. "She won't let you look anything other than like a perfect couple in the public eye…all of them."
She really didn't know what to do or what made sense. She shook her head. "You. You just have to stop… Let ME do this. You've saved the city…how many times? Let me do the saving this ONE time."
"This is a SACRIFICE, Felicity," Oliver told her and his voice broke. "One that you shouldn't HAVE to make for me."
"It's MY choice."
"Felicity—"
"I can't come back to the team anyway," she told him slowly and she tried to put a smile on. "I can't put you in danger… And John, as much as I love him, he's with Lyla…and Lyla's with ARGUS…so…"
"You're going to push away from all of us? Forget us?"
"For YOU. To keep YOU safe."
"Felicity—"
"I know you always hate me thinking that I have a choice in things like this, but I DO… I just can't— I can't live with your dead when I could have stopped it. Where would that get us?"
"You and I both know that it's a lot harder to kill me than people think."
"That doesn't make it easier…or better."
"I just— I made a promise when you joined the team that I would protect you, that I'd keep you safe—"
"You can't always keep me safe, Ol—" she stumbled to stop at his name and she wiped tears away. This was far too hard.
He just stared at her and she could see how angry he was at himself and at Waller. "I want to make this right, Felicity."
"Then TRUST me."
"You shouldn't have to—"
"Just this once," she stopped him. "Just this once, let me do this."
"We don't even really KNOW him," Oliver practically complained.
There was a beat of silence before Ray's voice echoed through the room. "I might be looking the other way and across the room, but I can still hear you."
"The reason why I'm marrying Ray is because I want to keep you safe. The reason he's marrying me…is because he wants to keep ME safe," she told him slowly. Felicity was sure that Oliver still wasn't going to be thrilled with that, but she was trying to prove something. "And I trust him."
"YOU trust him?" Oliver questioned and Felicity nodded. He sighed. "Then I trust him too."
His words almost came at a shock to her. For a moment, she didn't know how to proceed. Felicity just took the moment to process, to process everything.
"Can I come out of the corner now?" Ray questioned.
She and Oliver looked between each other and the back of Ray before they looked back at each other. Felicity didn't know what to say. He seemed to accept letting it be her choice, her sacrifice…so she felt like this was now Oliver's decision to make. She waited and hoped that he made a decision of not only the heart, but also of the head.
"Yes," Oliver finally replied.
Felicity watched as Oliver lowered his head slightly, but didn't move to put the mask back in place. She reached to do it, but he stopped her. She looked nervously towards Ray, who was now approaching them. Oliver released her hands and Felicity was confused about what was going to happen. She'd allowed this to be Oliver's decision and suddenly not knowing what was going on, her nerves were getting the best of her.
"I WILL keep her safe," Ray said when he came to stand with them.
"She trusts you, so I do," Oliver said as he pulled his hood down and raised his face to look at Ray.
The look at Ray's face was of mixed emotion. There was shock, but then almost a sense of understanding. "Oh… Well, that sort of makes a lot of sense…" Ray pause for a moment, like he was processing what was going on. "And Felicity works with you," Ray said as he pointed between Felicity and Oliver. "When you do your vigilante-ing? Wow… Just wow… B-T-W, I didn't see this coming… Kudos on the twist there…"
"Yes," Oliver confirmed and then continued on a moment later. "But marrying Felicity—"
"I swear I'm respectful," Ray told him.
"He is, Oliver," Felicity spoke up. She knew what he was doing. Oliver needed to know if she made this sacrifice, that she wouldn't be forced to do things with a man that she didn't love… That wasn't the man that Ray was, though. Ray had been a complete gentleman and she didn't see that changing.
"I don't want her to have to do this," Oliver explained slowly.
"Neither do I," Ray echoed.
They both looked at her and Felicity just stared back. She didn't know what to say. She was going to do it. She couldn't have Waller kill Oliver. Living a lie, though, she could do that. She'd been living a double life for years now, she could handle putting on a facade for the rest of the world. That was easy, she just needed to make sure that she could break down, if needed, in private. She needed to be able to have that space.
"I guess the wedding is back on then," Felicity whispered.
Oliver turned away from her. She realized what that meant. That meant that this was goodbye…again. Did it make any of it easier for him? Did knowing? Felicity was about to ask that question when the door opened and guards poured in.
"Excellent, it seems you three have talked things out," Waller said.
"Don't make her do this, Amanda," Oliver practically pleaded.
"And here I thought the wedding was on."
Felicity hated to 'choose' sides, but this was her choice. She wished that things could be different, but right now this was how things were. This with what was going to keep them all safe. She moved closer to Ray and took his hand. "It's back on," she spoke up. "Though, you might have scared a few people and jinxed things…the groom seeing the bride before the wedding and all that." The sad look that Oliver gave her, Felicity felt sick and she wished that she could just hug him. Right now…and for however long, though, they had to keep apart.
"I'll stay away from Felicity," Oliver said through gritted teeth. "You have my word."
That was going to be hard.
For both of them.
Agonizing.
"How do I know I can trust your word, Mr. Queen?" Waller questioned.
"Because it's my word," Oliver argued.
"I'll up security," Ray spoke up. He exchanged looks with Oliver, she noticed. "Felicity will be protected and we'll uphold our deal, as promised."
Waller still didn't seem convinced. Felicity didn't know how to convince Waller, she was certain that she could think of something that could really convince her, but it wasn't anything that she actually felt comfortable with. She was giving her life up, but she didn't want to completely give up everything to Waller, something of her she felt should still be in her control. "This will be it," Felicity promised as she swallowed hard and kept her tears inside. "I'll say goodbye to Oliver and that'll be it…"
This was it.
This was forever.
She'd have to say goodbye to her best friend.
To save him.
To keep him safe, she reminded herself.
"I'm in the dress," Felicity said as she motioned to the dress that she was surprised had somehow stayed clean during it all. "I'm ready to marry Ray. Everything can be as it is agreed." Felicity didn't miss how Waller seemed to study her for a long moment. She was committed to this plan, she didn't understand why Waller just wouldn't let them all go.
"Fine," Waller finally spoke up.
"Maybe can we be a little less hostile then?" Ray requested as he motioned to the guards around. "And maybe we should give them a minute to say goodbye," he added a moment later as he shoved his hands into his pockets and looked towards Felicity.
Grateful.
That was the word that instantly popped into her head.
She'd said goodbye to Oliver at the Foundry, but it hadn't been proper. It hadn't been right. She hadn't been able to tell him what was going on and she had just probably seemed so confusing to him. Oliver was the last person that she wanted to hurt. But this… This was just something that had to be done. It was something that SHE had to do.
"This is the last time I ever want to know of the two of you in such close quarters," Waller told them. "Cell phones. Vehicle GPS. Trackers. I will know where the two of you are at all times… Don't break our deal," Waller warned before stepping out with her guards, Ray trailing behind them.
Everything was a way for Amanda Waller to track them nowadays. It was a little ridiculous when you really thought about it. All of the people who had conspiracy theories about the government spying on everyone, it really wasn't crazy. It was the reality that they lived in now. Felicity knew well enough how she'd used technology in order to assist Oliver as the Arrow. ARGUS had better technology than she'd had access to. There was pretty much nothing that they couldn't do. It should frighten her, she knew, but Felicity just planned on complying with what Waller wanted her to do.
Staring at Oliver for a long moment, she held back her tears. It was hard, but she had to. She didn't want him to remember her, the last time they saw each other, with her make-up running as tears clouded her vision. Her mouth opened and it hung there for a moment as the words refused to spill out. "I don't know what to say," she blurted out a moment later.
"We're supposed to say goodbye," he reminded and his tone scared her. Oliver didn't sound like himself. He sounded different. It was scary because Felicity swore that he sounded like he had given up.
"I don't want to say goodbye," Felicity admitted as she took a step towards him.
"Neither do I," he admitted slowly.
His hand ran along her cheek and she closed her eyes as she memorized the sensation of it, a tear pushed its way past her barriers and fell down her cheek. She immediately wiped it away and tried to ensure that her make-up didn't run. Her eyes opened and she stared at him, it made her want to cry and breakdown all the more.
She couldn't.
She shouldn't.
It would be too hard.
For both of them.
"I love you, Oliver Queen," she whispered before grabbing him and kissing him. This would be her last kiss to anyone who wasn't Ray. Later, she'd be saying 'I do' and kissing her groom, but right now she just wanted one last kiss from the man that she loved. One last kiss from the person that she wished she was walking down the aisle to later.
One last kiss.
"No matter what happens," she whispered as her head pressed against his. "No matter how my name changes… I will ALWAYS love you. Never forget that."
"I love you," he pushed out and she could tell that he was trying to keep his emotions in check. It was a hard thing to do when you were being forced to say goodbye to the one person that you never wanted to say goodbye to. "And I WILL find a way to end all of this," he added so quietly that Felicity almost missed his words.
A promise.
Felicity knew that Oliver liked to keep his promises, but Felicity also knew that Amanda Waller was dangerous. "Plus, don't do anything stupid, Oliver," she told him as she moved away and stared at him. They weren't going to have much time and Felicity felt like it had to be at the point where their time would be up at any moment. She had to separate from Oliver, the sooner they did it…the easier it would be when she had to walk out the door with Ray Palmer and never look back at what her life would have been like with Oliver Queen.
"My one regret," Oliver told her just as the door opened.
Felicity stared at him, she was certain that she knew it. He didn't need to say it. Waller entered and she knew that their time was up. She looked over to see Ray standing right there next to her. He was clearly uncomfortable and she was certain that he was just as ready to get back to getting the day over with as she was. "I know," Felicity whispered as she looked back to Oliver.
This sacrifice.
It was made purely out of love.
All three of them were making it.
Even though Felicity felt a huge weight on her, she knew that it wasn't just her who was sacrificing something. Oliver and Ray were as well. They were giving up their lives in different ways and it would make their futures harder in various ways. They would all suffer, but they'd all do as they'd agreed.
"Felicity—"
She didn't want to hear him say it.
She knew.
She knew what his regret was.
It was something she regretted too.
If he said it out loud, Felicity wasn't sure that she'd be able to follow through with what needed to be done. She turned to Ray and held out her hand. He reached out and took it. "I think we have a wedding to get back to," she told him, trying to keep the sadness from her voice.
A breakdown was coming.
It was going to have to wait, though.
There were going to be hours of pretending to be happy and smiling so much that it likely hurt her face. Later, much later…after Ray had gone to bed…that was when she could finally break down and cry. She could grieve for everything that she'd loss and then move on. Or at least she hoped that it could be that easy.
"I hope that things are clear now," Ray told Waller.
"Hold up your end up things, Doctor Palmer," Waller stated. It was more a warning than anything else and Felicity realized that.
This was her last look.
Felicity looked at Oliver and she immediately hated herself for wanting that last glimpse of him. He looked almost broken…devastated…and so much more… "Goodbye, Oliver," she told him, her voice breaking halfway through before she turned away and left with Ray.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
I'm so sorry.
The wedding march sounded more like a funeral dirge to her. Felicity knew that it was horrible for her to think that, but it was true. All she wanted was to cry and she didn't even have a veil if she'd given into those emotions. Instead, she kept a smile firmly in place and tried not to think about everything that had happened.
When they'd returned, everyone had been worried and the police were at the building. Ray had just told them that there was some kind of attempt on their lives and he'd taken Felicity to somewhere safe and they'd just waited until they felt like it was safe before calling for a ride. It meant that now the Starling City Police Department was almost there in full force to make sure that there were no further attempts.
Felicity didn't know if that was really a good or bad thing.
"You okay?" her mother asked as they neared the altar.
No.
I'm the farthest thing from okay.
"I'm great," Felicity forced out, keeping the smile in tact.
This was all a lie.
Her life, from this point forward, would be a lie.
She'd have to live with that.
They all would.
"He's a good man, Felicity, I'm so happy for you both," Donna oozed as they stopped where they were supposed to. This was the part where her mother would give her away in lieu of her father being present.
Felicity took Ray's hand when she was supposed to and even though she wasn't paying attention to every word that was being said, she knew what was going on. Felicity knew what was expected and the role she needed to play. She kept the smile in place and tried not to think too much. That was hard, given that thinking was something she was so adept at.
"I do," Ray spoke as he slid a ring onto her finger.
The ceremony was so simple that it took no time at all. Felicity was so thankful for that. She didn't think that she could manage a long drawn on ceremony. There was just too much for her to handle, too much weight to hold up.
It was her turn next.
The officiant said the words and she knew that she was up.
"I do," Felicity echoed as she slid the ring that she'd tied to her bouquet onto his finger.
There were more words before he finally proclaimed, "You may now kiss the bride!"
The kiss was good, Ray was definitely a good kisser, but she just couldn't not think about how much she'd just lost. All that she could think about was how much was changing as she closed her eyes as Ray held her for a kiss. Her eyes opened a moment later when he stopped the kiss.
The officiant spoke for another few minutes before he finally made the announcement that she knew officially changed her life forever. They'd already signed the legal papers, so to the world, they were now official. "I now am honored to introduce you to Doctor and Mrs. Raymond Palmer."
There was cheering and Felicity pretended to be happy. All she wanted to do was to have five minutes alone. She looked at Ray and she was certain that he knew exactly that she needed the time alone. Their little quiet moment had ended up being a media circus after the 'attempted kidnapping'. He wrapped his arm around her and held her close. It was comforting, but it wasn't what she needed right now. She needed space and the ability to just purge all of the pain and grief…and guilt…from her body.
"Now, my wife and I would love for all of you to join us for a reception…and they'll be time, of course, for pictures and interviews," Ray announced. "My people will be giving you the location information shortly."
This was all a lie.
This was something Ray was making up.
It was something he could make happen, though.
There wasn't a formal reception.
At least, that wasn't the original plan.
This day was a bout to get a hell of a lot longer.
Ray guided her back down the aisle and back to where she'd been preparing to get ready. He pulled one of their assistants along the way and Felicity vaguely remembered hearing him giving instructions for a venue to be contacted to make emergency arrangements to host the reception. As soon as they were in the room, he grabbed her, pulled her to him as he leaned against the door and just held her.
Tears escaped, but it wasn't enough. She really wanted a soundproof room where she could scream and just let it all go. That seemed like it was something that would have to wait until later. She clutched to him, his jacket balling up in her hands.
"We'll find a way to make it all work," Ray promised in a whisper.
She wanted to argue.
She didn't.
She wanted that.
"I promise you, Felicity."
She hoped it was a promise he could keep.
Hope.
It seemed useless.
It was still there, nonetheless.
TEN MONTHS LATER
"Dinner? You can pick the place."
Felicity nodded slowly. This wasn't normally how their end of the day looked like. Today was a harder day. She hadn't told Ray why, but he normally didn't press. He was good like that. It was why things worked so well for them. She stopped all of the sudden and just stared at him. "Do you mind terribly if we pick up dinner and just go home?"
"Whatever you want," Ray told her. "You know I'll do anything for you, Felicity."
Today was Oliver's birthday.
All she wanted to do was to take him a cupcake and wish him a happy birthday. The thing was…she couldn't do any of that. She'd thought all day about just sneaking away and taking it down into the Foundry, leaving it there for him…or having it delivered somehow. All of her plans had been derailed when she thought of all of the ways that Amanda Waller could find out that she saw Oliver or that she'd entered the Foundry.
"I trust you."
Ray just stared at her for a long time. He nodded finally. "I hope so. I told you—"
"I need you to do me a favor."
"Anything for you. Anything that you ask. You know that."
Felicity had picked been taken home by a car after picking up dinner, body guard included who hung around until Ray showed up. He wasn't too far behind her. So by the time he got home and the bodyguard was dismissed, Felicity had already set the table so it looked like a real meal complete with wine. She'd even had time to change into her pajamas, just something simple and comfortable.
"I brought dessert," Ray told her as he set two boxed cupcakes with green frosting on the table near the wine. "Had them specially made. I figured that even if you can't celebrate Oliver's birthday with him, at least he can think of him… It'll be like we're having our own party for him."
It was sweet.
It made her sadder.
It was still sweet.
Ray was good at things like that. Felicity moved towards him, a smile on her face, she ran her hands down his arms and then leaned in to kiss him. These were the things that made her love him. Ray was never one to force her into anything. Everything was her choice, including kissing him. "You're a good husband."
"I try," Ray told her and seemed to be beaming now as he took off his jacket and set it over his chair. "I was thinking that maybe we could just watch a movie tonight after dinner… No work talk. Just us. Just relaxing. Just not worrying about the world out there…"
"Only if you'll hold me."
That was the comfort she longed for.
She wanted to be held.
That was all.
Ray reached out and took her hand for a moment. "I know it's not easy—"
"That's not true," she argued. "You do everything and anything to make this as easy and comfortable for me as possible."
It was all true.
He would do anything if only she asked.
"You deserve it all, Felicity."
"It has to be hard for you, though," Felicity whispered as she stared down at their hands. Her feelings for Oliver had never been hidden ones. Ray knew that she loved Oliver and Felicity knew that Ray had feelings for her. It just wasn't fair for any of them. "Thank you, though. Even though I can't be there or wish him a happy birthday…there's something in knowing that he'll have something today means something."
Felicity had no idea how Oliver was. She didn't talk to Oliver and she didn't talk to Diggle. All of that meant that she was out of the loop on things. She'd pondered several times that week to hack into the mobile carrier and look through their texts, but Felicity knew that that would raise flags for Waller for sure. It was hard. It was how it had to be though.
"I'm lucky," Felicity whispered as she wrapped her arms around him. A moment later, Ray wrapped his arms around her and just held her. "My life could be hell, but it isn't…" Sure, she broke down here and there and had bad days, but other than that…life was beautiful. Palmer Technologies was doing amazingly well, they'd added stamps to her passport, and she loved her job. And when they were home, even when they were talking about work…it was just all perfect. Sometimes she felt like they were out of some kind of catalog. "I'm lucky to have such an amazing husband."
"I don't know how you do it all," Ray told her as he pulled back to look at her. He lifted her chin, so that her eyes met his. "You're the reason that Palmer Technologies is so successful—"
"No—"
"Yes," he said firmly. "And probably why I haven't cracked up…" Ray smiled at her. "You're a light in a sea of darkness, Felicity… There's a REASON why Amanda Waller and ARGUS are so threatened of you."
"Threatened?" she questioned.
"And they SHOULD be," Ray told her. "You are a force to be reckoned with."
Felicity shook her head. He was being silly. "Let's have dinner."
"I'm serious."
She turned away from him and she knew he was. Felicity held her head up as she moved towards her seat, her hand still in his. "I know." There would come a time where Amanda Waller would regret what she'd forced…she'd fear them…and she'd pay for it. Felicity knew that if she couldn't do it, then Oliver…and Ray would make it happen. In some way, though, she knew that she could find a way to help. They just had to bide their time.
"She thinks she's just dealing with an archer, a CEO, and a hacker…" Ray told her. "She doesn't realize who she's really dealing with."
Normally, Felicity was sure that she would make some comment about how that sounded like the start of a joke, but all she could think was how right Ray was. You didn't take people's choices away…their happiness…their lives…play with their hearts…like Waller did and get away with it.
"But for now," Felicity said quietly as she looked back at him. "Let's eat…"
"Are we going to sing Happy Birthday?" Ray half teased.
Felicity brightened a bit. "Maybe."
The End.