We are not held back by the love we didn't receive in the past, but by the love we're not extending in the present. –Marianne Williamson
Staggering down the sidewalk trying to support her own, and half of McGee's weight, Ziva was really starting to regret allowing Abby talk her into wearing heels, or going out at all for that matter. It was eleven thirty on a Wednesday and they had only called it a night due to McGee starting a fight with the bartender over the advantages of online gaming, and as much as she hated to admit to herself, she was drunk. She didn't show it. That was at least something she could thank her Mossad training – or as Tony called it, her ninja training – for, but boy would she feel it in the morning. Yes she could tell tomorrow was going to be rough. Maybe more so for some, she thought as she glanced across at a very pale looking McGee and an unsteady Abby.
"So I bet you wish Tony had come out with us now, huh Ziva?" Abby who by this point was visibly failing to keep her side of McGee upright – she would probably argue that her lack of physical strength was thanks to spending most of her time in a lab running tests with a farting hippo, but Ziva had her suspicions that it may have something to do with the four cocktails she had just had bought for her.
"I do not know what you mean Abby" She shot back through gritted teeth, as yet another cab drove past at a speed that would give her own driving a run for its honey. Or was it money? Ah who cared, it was a stupid language anyways, and by this point she just wanted to get home to try and sleep off the headache that had ever so faintly began to throb inside her skull.
"Well at least if he was here, we wouldn't have such trouble keeping Timmy here standing" Abby sighed as McGee who had appeared to be gaining the use of his legs moments ago, slumped once again.
"If you and Timmy hadn't drunk so much, then we would not be having this issue, yes?" After all it wasn't Ziva who couldn't handle her alcohol. When she had first started at Mossad, she could have carried both McGee and Abby at a much faster pace, across treacherous and uneven terrain with her blood alcohol level at double what it was now. Or at least she thinks she could have. She would have been able to carry McGee no problem and perhaps Abby if she took off her spiky dog collar and platform boots. Shaking herself out of her thoughts as McGee once again swayed uneasily against the both of him, nearly taking a chunk of Abby's hair with him, she realised how different she was compared to then. She had been a machine, a robot programmed to do exactly as she was told, kill without mercy, without feeling. It was only years later that she truly faced the consequences of what she had done. Most did not live long enough to come to terms with it, yet she had, and without the team she doubt she could have got through it. The emotions still plagued her, and still would for the rest of her days, but they no longer ripped her apart from the inside out.
"That's not the point, I mean we never all go out as a team anymore, we used to have such wild times" Abby countered, practically slurring, nostalgic recalling times when the four of them used to go out, partying to the early hours, drinking, dancing and flirting with one another, the sexual tension so obvious between each pairing that outsiders simply didn't bother to approach them. She would never admit it, but sometimes Ziva would pretend they were on some weird form of a double date, a group of normal couples enjoying themselves. Couples who had not seen the horrors of the world that they had, didn't know what others were capable of, were completely trusting, could look forward to getting married, having kids, the whole deal. But they weren't. And times had changed so much since then. So much had happened to tear their already stretched 'normal' facade at the seams, all in a matter of years.
"Times have changed Abs, we had to grow up at some point" she teased trying to appear lighter hearted than she felt. Damn since when had drinking had this effect on her?
"Don't remind me" Abby groaned rubbing her forehead profusely "I swear I'm getting grey hair or something, and the Gibbs look was seriously not that one I wanted to have for quite some time".
"Do not be so silly Abby, quite honestly I do not think anyone could pull off the 'Gibbs look' as you call it" laughing at the visual of Abby with silver grey hair in a sports coat "You are only twenty nine, I don't think you have to worry about it for quite some time".
"I suppose your right" Abby sighed, getting a firmer grip on McGee's waist, "so what was Mr Dinozzo's excuse for not joining us tonight anyway?"
Ziva should have known better than to think she could distract Abby from the topic in hand. The girl may act sweet and bubbly, but really she was just as sneaky and devious as the rest of them.
"He said he was busy" she replied a little more bitter than she probably should have; evident by the way Abby questioningly raised an eyebrow. Even after a few too many drinks the girl still had the upper hand Ziva thought as she felt her cheeks flush slightly, though she had no idea why. Tony was allowed to do what he wanted. After all he hadn't been with anyone particularly serious since Jeanne, and in some ways Ziva had taken that for granted. But recently he had became very secretive, taking phone calls away from his desk, stopped boasting about his supposed weekend conquests, and even more strangely, actually finishing his paper work so he could get away from work on time. Ziva wasn't stupid. The only logical explanation she could think of was that Tony DiNozzo, world class playboy and womanizer, had a girlfriend. And not a girlfriend that he had been forced to seduce as part of an undercover assignment, but a real one, a one that he was very serious about if the past few weeks were anything to go by. The idea of it on its own was enough to start forming a knot in Ziva's stomach. She tried telling herself that after the death of Mike Franks she was protective over everyone. That she would react the same way if it was McGee or Ducky or even Gibbs. She was with Ray after all. Not that she had seen much of him; they had barely spoken since he had given her the empty ring box promising to talk. He seemed truly sincere but after the way he had lied to her, she couldn't help questioning his motives.
"Do I detect a hint of jealousy, Agent David?" Abby giggled, breaking Ziva from her thoughts. "Because you know, you did look a bit strange when we left the bull pen without him, you sure there isn't anything going on?" she added with a wink for emphasis, though thanks to her alcohol consumption she appeared to be having some form of a seizure.
"No, why would I be jealous Abby?" she replied quickly "Tony is my partner, I simply like to look out for him" she hesitated for a moment. "That is all". She added with a nod of her head, turning away from Abby, thanks to the growing suspicion that her eyes would betray her. Though betray what she had no clue.
"Oh sure you do, that explains why you need to know where he is twenty four seven"
"Twenty four seven?" she shrugged.
"It means all day, every day, Ziva" she said a little impatiently "And before you try to deny it, don't bother, we both know it's true."
"I like to make sure all of the team is safe" she sighed, shaking her head wondering how Abby managed to sober up and make the conversation so uncomfortable in the space of about five minutes. By this point they had arrived at a cab rank and were stood shivering as they waited. "And besides" she continued "I am with Ray."
"Oh yeah him" she heard Abby mumble "the guy who shows up after months, doesn't do anything when you are abducted by a crazy serial killer, and then takes all the credit away from Tony before giving you an empty box and once again leaving for months on end with no real explanation as to where or what he is doing. Yeah sounds like a keeper."
Ziva sighed. She knew Abby made no secret of her dislike of Ray, and getting involved in an argument with her over him, particularly when she wasn't sure how much she even believed in him herself, was not a good idea.
And then there was the abduction situation, she wasn't entirely sure how she felt about that. Abby had explained to her about a week afterwards the way Tony had acted. She had laughed it off, telling Abby that she was just over reacting, and any partner would have been exactly the same. But Abby being Abby remained convinced that there was a lot more to it than both of them were letting on. And after she had found out about the way Ray had swooped in at the last minute to take the credit, she had absolutely hit the roof. It was almost comical the way she stomped around her lab for the next two days playing her music so loud the other side of the navy yard could hear it, and in fact had Ray not been on a 'top secret' mission, Ziva would have been seriously concerned for his welfare. An angry Abby alongside the fact she could kill someone without leaving any forensic evidence was a dangerous combination. But even months later, questions remained unanswered, for Ziva and Abby. Why had Tony acted the way he had? The usual calm, collected, movie quoting, partially idiotic guy everyone knew, had panicked? And had panicked over her? She didn't want to allow herself to think about what it could mean, and the reasons why that couldn't be. Sure he had said he couldn't live without her, but he had been beaten, tortured, sat in a cell in unimaginable heat with no water for god knows how long. He obviously had meant it in a working sense; no way would Tony have feelings for her. But then there were his eyes, even if he hadn't been shot up with truth serum, she would have known he was telling the truth, and what did that mean or them? Feeling herself getting carried away, she shook her head giving herself a mental Gibbs slap. What was she thinking? Of course Tony didn't have feelings for her in that way, just like she didn't have feelings for him. She was happy with Ray, end of story.
Realizing that it had been a while since Abby had spoken; she looked up to see her staring curiously. The silence was slightly awkward as Abby continued to stare, wanting to say more on the subject of Ray but not quite knowing how too. That in itself was completely unlike her; usually she could strike up a conversation about pretty much anything. But Ziva was different. Sure she considered her to be one of her closest friends, their differences quite literally in the past, but she knew she couldn't read Ziva like Tony. Could anyone? And that is probably what bugged her the most. Abby could see through everyone, at least she thought she could. Catching Ziva's eye however, it was quite obvious that she really didn't want to talk about him.
With a sigh she decided to change the subject. Though only slightly. There were some things that definitely needed some investigation, and this would be the perfect opportunity.
"So" she started with a little hesitance "what was the real reason our very special agent Anthony DiNozzo doing tonight? You must know Ziva, you know everything" Watching Ziva's relaxed form tense at the question, she realised she had hit a nerve. Maybe Ziva wasn't as drunk as she thought.
Deciding that she was most likely not going to get an answer, she went to turn to McGee, who was now lying across the pavement mumbling something about computers. But before she had the chance Ziva spoke, and unless her Abby senses were completely off, the tone of her voice was a little sad.
"I think a better question would be 'who' is he doing tonight?" That was the only answer she could give, because honestly she felt as if Tony was cutting her out of his life again. And she hated it. They used to know everything about each other, every part of their personal and professional lives; they still did in a sense. They were incredibly close, but she hadn't wanted to speak to him about Ray, had foolishly thought keeping her private life separate from work would give her an opportunity to have a half normal life. How wrong she had been. She now had a boyfriend that was never around and had singlehandedly hammered a wedge between her and Tony. She kept him out of her outside relationships, so he kept her out of his. And that for some reason was more crushing than anything else.
"What do you mean" Abby questioned, confused to say the least. After a long pause, Ziva spoke again.
"Well it is obvious, is it not?" Swallowing the irrational jealousy – something she only seemed to experience when hearing discussing Tony's women - that was building in her throat as she spoke "Tony has a girlfriend. He wishes to spend time with her"
"Tony has a girlfriend?" McGee slurred from the pavement. They had forgotten that even in his drunken stupor he could hear them, not that he would remember it in the morning. "I really doubt that" he laughed hysterically, trying to stand before collapsing to the ground yet again.
Without peeling her eyes from a now snoring McGee, Abby continued
"Unbelievably I'm with Timmy on this one Ziva. If Tony had a girlfriend he would have told us, I mean after everything that's happened recently, he wouldn't be keeping secrets, he would tell at least one of us, right?"
"He didn't the last time Abby"
"Yeah but I mean look how that worked out, his car got blown up for god sake! And besides he was undercover, he couldn't tell us, even if he wanted too" she said with a concerned look on her face, remembering the day everyone believed Tony was dead. It wasn't something she wanted to endure ever again. "Hey maybe that's it, maybe he's on assignment again, there was that thing about the micro chip and the mole hunt he was involved in after EJ left" shivering slightly as she said her name. She had not liked that woman one bit, and had not been particularly sorry to see her go. "Yeah that's probably it, that's why he's being secretive" she nodded, satisfied with her explanation, more to convince herself than anyone else. Honestly she was slightly hurt at the thought of Tony not telling her something. She was Abby, the only person who knew more about the team than her was Gibbs, and let's face it the guy was basically a superhero.
"That assignment ended weeks ago Abby" Ziva replied with a sigh "He told me himself"
"So, maybe he lied" Abby said a little too defensively.
Ziva couldn't help but chuckle at the look on her face, resembling that of a six year old child after being told they couldn't have any sweets. She often wished that she could show that much emotion. To not hide behind the constant rigid mask that had been slowly breaking down over the six and a half years she had been at NCIS. At that thought she smiled. She was getting there, admittedly very slowly, but not showing emotion was the first thing you learnt and the last thing you forgot. Gradually she was becoming her own person, thanks to her team at NCIS. But mostly thanks to Tony. The smile fading from her face slightly she straightened up. Why was it that everything she did, or said, or thought always revolved back to Tony? She had tried desperately over the years to stop, but it was like a drug, a habit she just could not kick, and the thought of her life without him was enough to set her stomach churning. Aiming a swing at a lamppost as yet another taxi drove past them, she couldn't believe that she was thinking of this again. She did feel about him in that way, and the same applied to him. They were simply partners. Granted partners who had been through a lot more than most, but they were still here, through everything, good or bad, had simply made their partnership stronger. She had told Ray she thought of him as a brother. That was a downright lie. Of course she loved him in that sense, possibly more. But a brother, really? How many people can say they have flirted and teased their brothers none stop for the best part of six years, have went undercover as married assassins and had a fair share of fantasies about them? Ok definitely not the last one, and that was very much so in the first few year of knowing each other. Before Jeanne, before Rivkin and before Somalia, the factors that should have torn their partnership apart but they came back stronger every time. And it's not as if he hadn't thought about her in that way before either, she knew fine well that she had been the star of a great number of his own fantasies. But that was in the past. They had both grown up a great deal, and were both now slowing down, possibly settling down, as she thought of Ray's promise 'to talk'. Whether she wanted to settle down with him or not was another matter. She would find someone eventually though, as would Tony. The sudden thought of Tony settling down and possibly moving away from her was like a kick to the chest. She knew there had been talk of him getting his own team for a while now, but he was reluctant to talk about whether he was considering it or not. The idea of Tony getting his own team in another part of the country, getting married to a perfect woman, having kids and the perfect life, made her throat tighten and made her feel light headed. Steadying herself by taking deep breaths convincing herself that the reason she reacted the way she did, was due to the fact that she had came to rely on Tony heavily, and that she simply wouldn't be comfortable with change.
"Ziva?" Abby called. Pulling her from her deep thoughts she realised that a cab had pulled up alongside them and Abby was trying to explain where they wanted to go to a very pissed off looking driver "How far is it to your apartment from here" she continued giving her a strange look. Ziva swallowed. There was no way Abby could possibly know what she had been thinking about,, she was a Goth – a very happy one at that – not a mind reader.
"Umm" she responded, trying to gather her thoughts. She was usually so in control of herself, what was going on? "About twenty five minutes, depending on traffic"
"Well to be honest love, its midnight on a Wednesday night I really don't think that we are going to be encountering that much traffic"
Ziva' s face suddenly turned thunderous at the comment, and was ready to give him a piece of her mind and see how much he 'encountered' then when she felt Abby grasp her arm.
"Ziva drop it, as much as I would love seeing you go all ninja on his ass, I really just want to get home and clearing up after you murder him will no doubt take at least an hour" she said with a mischievous grin.
Shooting the cab driver an annoyed look, she reached over to help McGee stand up, who at that moment groaned and yelled loud enough so the cab driver and probably most of the street heard
"Ugh I think I'm going to be sick" before leaning over the kerb and emptying his lunch onto the street.
"Oh this definitely isn't worth it" the cab driver laughed before leaning over, shutting the door and driving away leaving a very angry Ziva, slightly disgusted Abby, and a newly hungry McGee standing on the sidewalk, not quite believing what just happened.
"Well what now?" Ziva exclaimed after a few moments of surprised silence "No one is going to take us with McGee like that"
"We could call Gibbs" Abby suggested a little sheepishly, as much as she loved Gibbs, she really didn't want to have to call him in the middle of the night
With a groan, Ziva ran her hands through her hair, tugging at the ends
"Oh like we are not dead enough already" she sighed before retrieving her cell phone from her pocket, only to see a blank screen. Oh fantastic she thought looking down at the device and giving herself yet another mental Gibb's slap for not putting it on charge before she came out.
"My phones dead" she stated, turning to a very fidgety looking Abby
"I left mine in my apartment, not wanting to be interrupted by work you know?" she practically whispered, a little concerned about how Ziva would react "Oh and McGee's is dead as well she said holding the phone she had just retrieved from his pocket"
"Great" Ziva said before she laughed, at first in a way to break the tension but it wasn't long before she was hysterical alongside Abby, tears streaming from their eyes, not really sure what they were laughing at, but not wanting to face the stress of the situation either.
Finally composing themselves, they looked at each other as once again they shivered, it was late spring but the nights could still be cold, particularly when you didn't have a jacket. It all didn't seem as funny anymore.
"So what now" Ziva repeated, hopeful that Abby might have came up with a solution.
"I don't know" she shrugged, before her head snapped up, her eyes wide "Hey doesn't Tony only live like a block or two over from here"
Looking around her surroundings, she couldn't believe she hadn't realized it before, not that paying Tony a visit at this time of night, when he would probably be preoccupied with his girlfriend filled her with joy. But it was better than nothing; at least it would be warm in his apartment building, even if they had to sit in the corridors all night.
"Yeah I think he does" she admitted
Abby squealed with delight "Oh my god, this is going to be so much fun! It will just be like a sleepover, but a late night one"
"Something tells me it will not be like that, I believe he will be with his girlfriend, yes?"
"For the last time Ziva, Tony does not have a girlfriend" Abby sighed as she leaned over to try and lift her side of McGee up. "Come on Timmy, We're going for a walk."
"Walking where Abs?" He slurred, though a little more clearly than before.
"To Tony's" Ziva replied wrapping her arm around McGee's waist in an attempt to keep him standing,
As Ziva stared across at the pair, Abby subconsciously stroked a strand of hair from McGee's face. They were perfect for each other, they just didn't realise it, she thought as she began to walk, practically dragging the pair behind her thanks to her fast pace and the fact she was now completely sober. It must be nice to have someone like that, someone who is your complete opposite yet perfect for you in every way.
It did not take them long to walk the short distance to the street that Tony's apartment building was situated on, even if McGee was still completely out of it. And thank god she breathed seeing that the lights in his apartment were still turned on, he wasn't asleep yet.
Making their way towards the building, they passed the only open restaurant on the street - a popular family run place that Tony had insisted on visiting on numerous occasions - the last remaining diners stared out of the windows at the odd threesome. Making no effort to make herself less obvious, a woman in her early forties tapped her husband on the shoulder and pointed through the window laughing the whole time. Ziva being Ziva was all set to march in there at that moment and quite literally wipe the smug smile off her face but stopped herself and began laughing when she imagined how they must look. A Goth standing well over 6ft tall, wearing a very fetching pair of patent leather boots with 5inch platforms adorned with chains to match her outfit, a black mini dress and fish net tights that now had huge rips in them, makeup smudged and a pigtail half out and limp down the side of her face, a very angry looking Israeli, who appeared to want to murder anyone who got in her way, only prevented by the fact she was now hobbling due to a pair of heels that she knew she would probably have to have surgically removed and a finally a very drunk guy who was being dragged by the two woman in question, eyes half shut slurring and slobbering every so often to anyone who would listen. Yes they were quite the sight.
Oh Tony was going to love this.