A/n This was supposed to be different but sometimes these things write themselves and it ended up decent enough. the title is Want backwards and i wanted it to address John's insecurities in the way that Want tackled Sherlock's but it ended up more addressing mutual insecurities rather than just John's. Either way this is what happened and i think i like it. Anyway R and R.
Despite the entirety world being of the opinion that he and Sherlock had been shagging like bluebells since their first meeting that was in no way the truth. The truth was that there was hardly more than a friendship, sometimes more akin to servitude in John's opinion, between them until well after the Return as they referred to it.
When Sherlock had been dead that had taken its toll on John. It didn't exactly break him but it was a very close thing and he would be the first to admit that the first few months after the fall had indeed been some of the hardest of his life. The gun had looked really, really good in the darker moments but he had carried on. He had gotten a second job to fill his days as well as to be able to pay the full amount of the rent. As far as he was concerned he had lost his best friend and really did not feel like losing his home too.
Of course he needn't have worried. Mycroft had taken to paying what used to be Sherlock's half of the rent and when John had asked him to stop he continued to do so anyway and John had sighed because after that Mycroft took it upon himself to stock his pantry as well as pay half the rent. Of course he kept the second job and had even dated a few people in the months that had followed.
Those relationships didn't last long and John resigned himself to the fact that he would be alone to the end of his days. Sherlock and he had become a hybrid person, they were a sort of human symbiosis and without him John was less than whole. He realized that he had been in love with the mad genius and so called sociopathic man that had been his friend. It wasn't the kind of love that he had become accustomed to in his previous relationships but it was a new sort of love an effortless and doomed love. The saddest thing was that he would never get to admit it to the man himself.
Of course after that enlightening round of self-discovery Sherlock had come back. His hair was lighter and he was much thinner but he was so obviously Sherlock. When the man had walked through the door John had been overwhelmed and he didn't know if he should hit him, scream, or hug him. He also had no idea if he was hallucinating since he knew that it was a possibility. In the end, he had no idea what he had done first or if he had done any of them but he knew that it ended with them on the sofa side by side while Sherlock told of what he had done while he was away.
Some time passed and things somehow regained their normality. The balance had been restored and after a whole year the John-and-Sherlock hybrid was back. After the initial shock everyone accepted that Sherlock was back, obviously some people were more pleased by that fact than others were. Everything would be perfect if John could only forget what he had discovered while Sherlock had been away.
With all the time that he had devoted to worrying about how Sherlock would react he should have clearly seen that Sherlock, being the force of nature that he was, would just go and remove the decision from his hands entirely.
It was one day in the haze of post case oblivion. John was watching a movie that he had seen so many times that he could practically recite the lines of all the characters and Sherlock was doing an experiment with some kind of acid.
"John, get my pen from my pocket."
John just got up to get the pen it wasn't like he could refuse.
"I can't find it." he said after checking in the pockets of the suit jacket the lanky detective was wearing.
"It's in the trouser pocket," the irritated genius said.
John mumbled under his breath about lazy geniuses but got the pen anyway. He cursed as it slipped and fell onto the floor. After that he had picked it up he reached over to put it into Sherlock's free hand and that was how he found himself snogged by Sherlock- supposedly- asexual-virginal- but- clearly-not-if-he-had-to-judge-now- Holmes.
"Wha?" he asked when he was released by his not so platonic anymore flatmate.
"Come now John you could have hardly expected this to escape my notice. I tried to wait but you never brought it up and I'm not that patient."
John had no idea exactly what to think. Heck he was sure that he had lost the ability to think and he was certain that this was quite obvious to Sherlock. But then he looked up and saw that there behind the brazen action and expression of the man there was another emotion.
"What is it?" John asked hoping that Sherlock wasn't regretting his actions because he would very much like to kiss him again.
"I'm sure that I want this. John despite what you think I do need you I'm just worried that I won't be what you need."
"What do you mean?" John asked not even puzzled in the slightest that Sherlock knew something about him that had escaped his notice after all he had mainly concentrated on the fact that he was in love with someone that could never return the sentiment to notice anything else that he was feeling.
"I have to tell you something Sherlock said after a pause.
John nodded and they sat on the couch and Sherlock began to speak.
It was less than two weeks after the day that he had completed his self-assigned mission when he was called in the consult on a case. At first he was worried that John might not want to go with him. That thought stung more than it should have. But he needn't have worried because John was more eager than he was. It was unsettling and different but he didn't know why. Over the weeks at home he had caught glimpses of something in John that he had labeled relief at the time. But there was also fear there and he thought that John feared losing him again which was part of the reason he made an effort to smoother John with proof of his presence.
Eventually the fear diminished but it was still present for some reason that Sherlock needed to figure out if he wanted what he had with John before.
At the crime scene things were slightly awkward but he made an effort to flounce about and irritate the others. Before long he had all the evidence that he needed to point them in the direction of the killer and he earned John's praise. Until that praise was uttered he had no idea how much he had missed it.
He smiled so happily and he was startled to find that his eyes were starting to tear up. Electing rudeness in the place of embarrassment he walked away from the scene and tried to collect his wits before John could catch up with him. Emotions were so tiresome.
After a while they had fallen into a pattern. John had even taken to making up words of praise. The first one was used when Sherlock had solved a cold case and John had burst out a grin and said "Splenderiffic".
Sherlock had looked at him quizzically and John had shrugged saying something about how it was tiring to use 'fantastic' and 'amazing' so much. That was the instant that confirmed for him that John was in love with him.
"Wait," John interrupted waving his hands around. "That was months ago. You've been aware of my feelings all this time?" He wasn't angry just curious. "Were you waiting to see how you felt?"
"That's not it; I discovered how I felt while I was away through analyzing why I refused to let you have your girlfriends for too long."
"That's why you scared Janet away by using the skull like ventriloquist puppet last month?"
Sherlock smiled that had been one of his better plans to rid John of a girlfriend.
"But why not pursue it then?"
"If you let me continue…" He trailed off.
John thumped him with a pillow.
After he concluded that they wanted each other like that he thought that he should wait for John to act because as sure as he was he really did not want to act in case he was wrong. If he was he would effectively ruin the best relationship that he had ever had in his life.
Just because he decided to wait didn't mean that he could try to make John see that he wanted to be more than friends. The problem was he was unsure how to do that without making himself look like a fool and confusing John in in the process.
But soon he could see that, that wasn't the only thing that was on John's mind. John didn't even seem to realize it so it was even harder to figure out. His first insight was actually when John met Janet. She wasn't right for him he knew that but she was normal and Sherlock was not.
He had always equated normal with boring. But what if John wanted normal. Sure excitement was all well and good but would John want that next month or next year. John would want to settle down and have a family and that wasn't possible with Sherlock.
So there was only one thing to do and that was to show John that he could be normal. If he didn't then John would leave and he would be left with misery and Mycroft for company. He refused to contemplate that John's behavior might be because he wanted to leave. If he gave acknowledgement to that he might not be able to function even though John wanting out of this relationship was quite plausible.
"Why would you think something like that?!" John asked outraged.
"John you have the most erroneous view of yourself and I eventually factored that into my thought process and suddenly everything made sense. You thought that your emotions were too mundane to share with me. You thought it would cause a rift and that I would put you out because I noticed how dull you really are. The absurdity of the notion was what made it fit so well with the facts."
John almost felt that he was unable to breathe. Why was it that Sherlock knew him so well? He had noticed but he couldn't imagine life without Sherlock so he refused to think about it. "If you know that why did you say that you were worried that you can't be what I need?"
"Because John, you may not desire a perfectly normal life since you want me but you want a family. I've seen the look that you have when you see a parent and child. You want to experience fatherhood."
John blushed but replied in a strong voice. "Yes I want that. But I want it with you Sherlock. I look at the parents and see something that I envy. I can't help but picture what it would be like to do that. But it has to be with you because there is no one else for me. I've lost friends before but never was I destroyed like when I thought I had lost you,"
"With me?" Sherlock whispered. All his life he thought that he was doomed to live alone but that ended when he had met John but he had never thought it in the realm of possibility that John would want a family with him.
"You see right through me and know more about me than I do and you didn't see that?" John teased gently.
Sherlock felt as though his brain were shutting down. He couldn't speak or move.
As the seconds ticked by he saw John began to worry, He was worried as well.
"Sherlock?" The blond man asked hand hovering mere centimeters from touching him.
"With me." Sherlock said startled to hear how odd his voice sounded..
"With you." John agreed and as a result he was treated to one of Sherlock's rare but true smiles.