"I met a man this weekend." Felix smiled, pseudo-coyly, and raised a wry eyebrow at the crowd. They obliged him with an 'ooooh' and someone at the back wolf-whistled. "Yeah, yeah: he's a bit old for me- nine hundred and twenty seven-" There were a couple of chuckles from the audience, "-but he treats me right and that's what's important." Here Felix cast his gaze out over the crowd- he couldn't see much because of the lights; he didn't really know what he was looking for. He twisted the ring on his index finger, looked down at his shoe for a second, and then at the microphone, "A lot better than my last fella- he used to cheat at scrabble." Someone in the crowd gasped in mock-horror. "I know, can you believe it? What a crummy thing to do. He'd grab vowels when I wasn't looking and shove them in his underwear. And when I found them later, he'd say 'Oh no!'," Here Felix deepened his voice and put on a broad northern accent in order to portray his former lover, "'You discovered my love of pant-Es!'" The audience laughed a little, nowhere near what Felix was hoping for. That joke took a long time to write. But he couldn't focus on that, or else he wouldn't get through the set; just let it go, that was the ticket- there was always the next line. "But it's fine- this new bloke's great. He's honest and funny and athletic: he runs everywhere. He's like a bloody bath toy. You know, he has one speed and I only ever need him when I'm naked." This got more laughs. Felix smiled and took a deep breath. He was doing okay. "And, best of all, he's got a job! Yes! Even better, to make my mother happy, he's a doctor..."
Felix slammed the door to the walk-in freezer shut and scuttled quickly up the steps from the pantry. Miranda waited at the top, her face awash with panic. She opened her mouth to ask a question but Felix shut her down with a shake of his head, "Empty."
"Completely?" Miranda asked, her voice raising several octaves at once.
Felix nodded. "It's like a mormon wedding down there."
Miranda looked like she might have a fit, "Did you check-"
"I looked everywhere, Miranda, even in the bloody freezer. There's no booze, we're bone dry."
Miranda made a noise somewhere between a squeak and a gasp, "There'll be a riot! They'll cut off our heads! They'll flay us alive! They'll leave before my set!"
Felix glanced at his watch- there was still thirty minutes before Miranda was due to go onstage, and forty five before his slot. He grimaced. "Maybe we can hold off until nine; how many WKDs do you have in your handbag?" He asked.
She went to protest her innocence, but Felix tilted his head to one side and she acquiesced. "Four." Felix raised an eyebrow. "Six."
"And there's the gin in your locker."
"How do you-"
"Everyone knows about it." He glanced at his watch again, "We might just be able to keep them at bay until my set."
"And then they'll all storm the stage at the prospect of listening to you sober." She smiled at him and chuckled at her own joke.
"Yeah, real funny," He walked past her up the stairs and then turned back, "but you're going to have go on without a drink."
Her laughter stopped immediately.
At seven thirty, Felix stepped out for some fresh air. He was finding the club oddly claustrophobic, despite the decided lack of patrons. He smelled something sharp on the air and turned to see Miranda, half-hidden in the bushes, sucking on a cigarette like it was her last meal.
"Oh look, there's a chimney growing among the roses." Felix deadpanned.
"Look, no one knows." She replied, taking another drag.
"What about me?"
"Like, I said- no one." She winked and stepped from out of the bushes, walking up to him. "I'll quit on Monday."
"Well, there's power in beginnings," Felix mused.
"In that case, I'll wait 'til January." Miranda said, flicking the end of the cigarette at the car park.
Felix turned to berate her. "Miranda, you of all people-"
"Oh, relax! Can you honestly tell me you'd care if this place burnt down again?"
Felix looked from her to the small building and back again. He realised that the club was the only thing that was really left in his life and that, if it did indeed go back up in flames, he wouldn't really mind. The first time it had happened, he had thrown himself head first into trying to get his beloved club back. He lead the search for donors, tried to rally local interest, held extensive auditions for new acts, but six months of apathy once the building was completed had sapped his energy. He was sick of trying to make empty seats laugh and getting yelled at cos they were out of booze. Let it be ash again. His fervour was gone; he no longer believed in the importance of laughter. The thought made him sad. "Let's go in," he said simply.
Miranda looped her arm in his. "So, what set are you going for tonight?" She enquired. "Your sister's wedding or the Wizard of Oz stuff?"
"Actually, tonight I'm trying something new."
"Oh, that doesn't bode well."
Miranda's secret stash lasted them until eight fifty, mostly because it was a slow night. Felix watched her on the stage, trying to muster a laugh from the twelve or so people in the audience- actually using some pretty good material, but being deflated by the dedicated apathy of the audience.
She rounded up and exited the stage to scattered applause at eighty fifty two- three minutes before she was meant to- and Felix gladly marked the end of his shift on the chart behind him. The lack of alcohol was now the problem of whoever was on bar duty after him.
He unhooked his apron and undid his top button. He didn't want to get too hot up there. It was already shaping up to be a difficult night. Just as he was about to walk round the side of the stage, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around to see a man who looked to be in his twenties, with short brown hair and an absolute stradivarius of a chin. He was wearing a fitted brown suit and a bright red bowtie. Overall, he gave the impression of a university lecturer trying too hard to be cool.
"Can I help you?" Felix asked, glancing at the clock and praying the man wouldn't ask for alcohol.
"Yes, I'll have two plates of fish fingers, two bowls of custard and one plate of both mixed together. Oh, and a salad. I'm trying to keep trim." He patted his stomach. The man's face showed no sign of a joke, but Felix laughed a little anyway, mainly out of pity- this would often happen in Comedy Clubs; amateurs testing out new material on the staff. But the man didn't take kindly to the titter, "Oh, it's alright for you- but some of us have got to watch what we eat."
"O...kay." Felix glanced around in case there was a camera pointing at him. Honestly, he could use the exposure.
"So, three servings of fish-custard, quick as you like," the man said and knocked twice on the counter; clearly he felt that Felix was the one being facetious.
"We don't do food." Felix replied, glad to have this all-purpose get-out from this conversation.
"Well, that's rubbish, what's the point of coming here then?"
"The comedy?" Felix ventured, uncertain whether this was true. He pointed at the stage, but the man didn't follow the line of his finger; instead he stared very intently at Felix's hand.
"Where did you get that ring?" He lifted up Felix's hand towards his face and for a moment Felix thought the man was going to kiss it. "Why would you need a ring like that?" He addressed Felix's index finger.
Felix glanced down at the piece of copper jewellery. He didn't like the thing- it was quite an ugly design and rather hefty-and he only wore it for sentimental reasons, but he realised that he didn't like that someone was drawing attention to it.
The man, who seemed unconcerned or perhaps unaware that there was a person attached to the hand, flipped it over and traced the lines on the palm and then suddenly looked up, "Are you human?"
"Yes." Said Felix, who, even after everything else the man had done, found this question rather impertinent.
"Are you sure?"
Felix snatched his hand back. "I have to go on stage now. Bye." He ran up to the side of the stage and behind the curtain, too worried to glance back in case the man was still there. He took a deep breath and cleared his thoughts; he needed to be relaxed on stage.
Felix put his mouth to the backstage microphone and rolled off his self-introduction. "Ever wonder what that weird guy behind the bar was thinking? Did you ever ask yourself 'what's his deal'? Did you even notice him at all? Well, you're about to now because, ladies and gentlemen, it's the guy who's been serving you watered down drinks all night, Felix Acton!" Felix ran onstage to less-than-cascading applause. He put his hands over his ears, pretending that the sound was deafening and too much- even behind his hands, he knew that no one was laughing. "Hello, ladies and gents! How are you doing?"
He thought he heard someone say "Alright". He realised it was Miranda.
Pre-amble had never been one of Felix's strengths, even when the audience was up for it- he decided to just launch straight into his set. "You know, I've really been struggling since my last relationship ended. I really want to get back on the horse, but it just brings back bad memories because my last honey was a centaur." He paused for the briefest moments- just in case there was any possibility of a laugh, and then pressed on ahead as though that wasn't meant to be a punchline. "Yeah, yeah, I dated a horse. Honestly, it was a bit stressful- I mean, we could never go to the pub, cos everyone would make the same joke." This merited a slight stir from the audience; Felix couldn't tell if it was a laugh or just someone clearing their throat. "And, of course, we were from two different worlds and you know what they say about mixed marriages: whenever our families got together it was chaos, because all the horses just wanted to run about and eat sugar. No wait, that was the toddlers." He looked out at the crowd, silent as the grave. He could see the man who'd accosted him standing at the back, looking about uneasily. Felix very much did not want to be on stage any more, but he was meant to do another thirteen minutes. He thought he heard a whisper in the crowd- something about 'dying'- and he realised that everyone in the room was acutely aware of his failings. But he put those thoughts to one side. He had to push on, even if no one wanted to hear him. "But all my family wanted to do was make glue. You see-"
A dark object appeared in his field of vision with just enough time for him to sidestep it as it flew at his head. It shattered against the back wall and rained its pieces down on the stage.
A glass. Someone had actually thrown a glass.
"Now, steady on-" Felix began, scared, humiliated, angry, but also slightly relieved at the sudden interruption of the petrifying silence. Another glass soared at him and narrowly missed crashing into his skull.
"Security!" Felix yelled, hoping to intimidate his unseen assailant. But there was no security. Of course there wasn't- they couldn't afford it.
A third glass smashed on the stage and Felix decided to leg it. He heard Miranda scream as he bolted to the side stage area, where a curtain interrupted the arc of a fourth missile aimed at his head. Someone really had it in for him. Surely, he wasn't that bad.
Okay, maybe he was.
The next glass actually ripped through the curtain, it was thrown with such force. It landed at his feet, whole and unbroken.
He heard more people screaming and the unmistakable sound of people exiting the building en masse. Whoever was doing this had clearly worried a lot of people.
The next second, the man from before was standing next to him, and reaching for Felix's hand again. Felix had just about had enough; he pulled his hand away and held it at eye level, in case he needed to punch the man. "What is your problem?" He yelled.
"Apponaptic Killbot." The man replied, in a tone that implied he thought was saying words.
"What?" Felix asked, bewildered, and the man used his momentary distraction to grab his right hand again and bring it close to his face.
"Where did you get this ring?" The man asked, his breath brushing against Felix's skin.
"None of your business!" Felix yanked his hand away with such force that he took a few steps back. "I'm calling the police."
"Well, they won't do much good. Apponaptic Killbots don't recognise any legal authority. Wouldn't be very good killbots if they did." Said the man, furrowing his brow as though this should be obvious.
Felix tried to concentrate on the absurdity of the man's speech and his phone at the same time, but finding his phone was dead (he could've sworn he'd charged it this morning), he looked up at the man and asked "What on earth is a-"
There was a tearing sound and light flooded the area. Felix turned to see, mostly in silhouette, a large, blocky thing with one large, foreboding red triangle flashing near its centre. On one side, it had what looked like a plastic tube, on the other was unmistakably an axe. It radiated menace.
"Ah." Said Felix, suddenly understanding. "So that's a..." He couldn't remember the words the man had spouted.
"Apponaptic Killbot." The man filled in, his voice still light- much lighter than the situation merited, Felix thought- but now with a trace of curiosity. "And rather far from home at that." He added, aiming this last statement at the thing with the axe.
The thing turned to him, its red triangle pointing in his direction, and emitted a steady ray of red light which went up and down the man's whole figure once. A scan. "Irrelevant." Came a horribly bass voice from some deep recess of the thing's interior. "Resume murder."
It turned back to Felix and raised its tube. His whole life flashed before his eyes- it seemed to mainly consist of him telling awful jokes and people not wanting to snog him.
He heard a click and saw a glass line up in the plastic. He had a spark of inspiration, ducked down, grabbed the unshattered glass from the floor and lobbed it at the red triangle. It flew directly at its target until it was suddenly accosted by a red glow, emanating from the machine, which surrounded the glass, held it in midair, turned it over once and then gently sucked it into the triangle. "Thank you." The killbot said.
"Oh great idea," the man said, turning to Felix, "Give it more ammo."
"I thought it would kill it!"
"You can't kill it! It's a robot!"
"This is irrelevant," the machine droned, "Resume murder."
It fired.