Intro: Ullo there... my attempt at writing something slightly more.. humourous? Anwyay, this is something like Big Brother/This is your Life. Hidden cameras, showing us parts of the people's lives, that sorta stuff. Not sure how good it is really, so I'll need you reviews to tell me! And to give me ideas for other 'episodes'! Oh yeah, since this place doesn't seem to allow much inthe way of symbols that I can use for dividing sections, the double line thingy is the start and end of the entire story, and the single lines are the video parts.
Disclaimer: Don't own Bleach, only thing I own is Kaisensaku Chouritsu, the host.
"HELLO! And a very big welcome to 'Behind the Scenes', where we go beyond the normal, using hidden cameras to reveal the more private areas of the lives of prominent Shinigami here in Soul Society. I'm your host, Kaisensaku Chouritsu. Today, we have the very special privilege of exploring the 1st Division Office, and to join us today in our investigation, are none other than Commander General Yamamoto Genryuusai Shigekuni and his Vice-captain," A technical difficulty prevented the audience from hearing the name of the mysterious vice captain. "Sorry bout that folks, you can be sure the swine responsible for that little mishap will be looking for another job tomorrow. Anyway, back to 'Behind the Scenes'!"
A large television screen was behind the trio of them, and flickered towith the show's logo. "As some of you may or may not know, the Commander General subscribes to a weekly copy of 'Shinigami Retirees Weekly', however, suspicion has been aroused of the true nature of the magazines thatare brought to the 1st Division Office every week, since a large box of magazines appears to be delivered every week, yet Yamamoto-dono claims that he only subscribes to the one magazine." Kaisensaku bent down and handed Yamamoto a microphone. "So, Yamamoto-dono, is there anything we should know about the magazines you receive every week?"
The reply was quite blunt. "No, what are you suggesting? I am an old man who likes to get comfort from reading magazines designed for those of my age." The Commander General gave the host a deathly glare, but Kaisensaku didn't bat an eyelid.
"I see, however, I believe our video evidence contradicts that, you sure you don't want to rethink your answer?" Yamamoto remained stubbornly silent. "I see, then let us show the public what Yamamoto-dono REALLY reads…" The lights dimmed as the screen behind them flickered to life…
The delivery guy was pooped. Already he had spent an entire day delivering miscellaneous packages to every corner of Seireitei, and now he had to lug this box of magazines all the way over to the 1st Division. At least it wasn't as far as the 13th Division, having to heave a box that large from the 4th Division post office all the way to the 13th office would have been torture. Captain Unohana probably made people do the 13th's deliveries whenever they upset her. Arriving at last, he called out loudly. "Delivery here for Commander General Yamamoto Genryuusai!" The elderly man didn't come for his parcel, but instead, the grey-haired vice-captain accepted it on his behalf.
"It's your magazines sir." Yamamoto jumped up and down with glee, quite uncharacteristic of the sombre old man who led the Gotei 13. Ripping open the box, he pulled out the first magazine, 'Shinigami Retirees Weekly'.
"You see, as I told you, that is the only magazine I subscribe to, nothing interesting at all." Yamamoto's tone was confident, triumphant, the so-called 'video evidence' had failed, however, the host of the program was not so easily put off.
"I beg to differ, Yamamoto-dono, there is more to our video footage, if you'd like to direct your attention back to the screen…"
Yamamoto threw the old people's magazine away distastefully, without even opening it, despite its intriguing headlines, such as 'How to give your bald head a beautiful shine', 'Old woman dies at age of 50237', and even 'Tips and Tricks of Bingo'. Yamamoto shuddered as he threw the magazine into the bin. "I hate that stuff, too bad I have to waste my money on ordering it, as a cover up for these…" He began pulling the other magazines out of the box, one after the other.
His vice-captain, seeing that his captain was sufficiently entertained and quite happy now, left the room. Magazines now littered the floor, with titles such as 'Female Frenzy', which featured a scantily dressed female Shinigami on the cover, 'Hot Hollows', which showed some rather gruesome pictures of Hollows in an attempt to look seductive, 'Shinigami Dolly', which bore several headings quite similar to the Retirees Weekly magazine, 'How to keep the shine in your long silky hair', 'Prolong your love life', and 'Tips and Tricks of Dating'. Ignoring the other magazines on the floor around him, Yamamoto began to read, his hands shaking as he did so.
For a full hour he sat there, completely absorbed in the 'Shinigami Dolly' magazine, reading it as if it was a matter of life and death. His eyebrows flew up every time he found an interesting picture, and the vice-captain, on passing the room several times, heard strange giggles and squeals quite uncharacteristic of the 1st Division Captain coming from within. Finally, he finished going through the box of magazines, even 'Playshinigami', and lay down on the floor, his mind filled with lecherous thoughts and things that no one would expect him to be thinking of.
The crowd had a mixed reaction. Some of them were silent, completely shocked at what they had just witnessed, but the majority of them roared in laughter as Yamamoto turned red as beetroot.
"So folks, there you have it, the secret behind Yamamoto-dono's box of magazines." Yamamoto made a pact to kill the person who installed the cameras in his office if he ever found out who it was, and began to walk out, trying to maintain his dignified posture. His vice-captain started to follow, but Kaisensaku stopped them. "Now now, you can't go off yet, there's more! So sit back down as we unravel more of what happens 'Behind the Scenes'!"
The crowd cheered, waiting for the host to reveal the next piece of information about the 1st Division captain and vice-captain's private lives. There had to be something about the vice-captain, otherwise he wouldn't have come on the show.
"Our next bit of information involves both of these fine gentlemen here," Kaisensaku continued, gesturing to the captain and vice-captain. "Yamamoto-dono, you are very concerned about personal hygiene, are you not?" Yamamoto, unsure of where the discussion was heading, nodded. "I see, however, we have some evidence that shows that you aren't perhaps quite as concerned as you seem. And you too, vice captain." Without waiting for a response, Kaisensaku turned to the large screen behind him, and the crowd followed suit.
"NO! I DON'T WANT TO!"
"Yamamoto-sama, you must."
"NO! I WON'T!"
"Please, just do it sir."
"I'M TELLING YOU… NO! Disintegrate all existence…"
"That's enough sir, you're acting like a spoiled brat again. I am certain even Captain Hitsugaya would not make such a fuss over this matter."
"BUT IT'S GOING TO HURT!"
"No it won't you silly old man, now just be good and get in."
"I TOLD YOU! I'M NOT DOING IT!"
"Yes you are! Now get in there before I get Captain Unohana to come and see what a baby you are."
"I WON'T DO IT!"
Leaving the sulking Commander General, the vice-captain of the 1st Division sent a short message to Captain Unohana. "Having trouble with Yamamoto-sama again, please come and help." A slightly frustrated looking Unohana arrived at the 1st Division compound a while later, and was ushered in to see the Commander General by his vice- captain.
"Now come on Yamamoto-san, you must know that this is something you have to do."
"NO IT ISN'T! I'M NOT GOING TO DO THIS! MAKE ME AND I'LL KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND, HEAR ME?"
"I'm afraid we'll have no other choice. Fukutaichou, if you please…"
"Of course Captain Unohana." The two took a few steps forward, grabbed hold of the old man's flailing arms, and marched him across the room. "Now sir, this won't hurt a bit…" He said as he and Unohana tried to push him down.
With an almighty splash, the Captain and vice-captain succeeded, and the Commander General now sat in the bathtub, fully clothed, looking furiously at the pair of them. "I told you I didn't need to take a bath!"
"Yes you do Yamamoto-sama, otherwise people will start complaining about your stench." Unohana wrinkled her nose as she smelled something.
"There's something in here that doesn't smell all that great…"
"Yes, it's Yamamoto-sama, he's stinking the place up."
"No… it's not him, I believe it's coming from you, fukutaichou!" The vice-captain looked around in horror.
"No… it cannot be. I am not… there is no way, you're not going to…" He tried to break free of Unohana's grip, but the captain was far too strong for him. With another loud splash he landed in the bathtub with his captain, looking sullenly at Unohana, who smiled as she left the room.
"Now remember to wash behind your ears…"
As the video ended, uproarious laughter greeted the captain and vice-captain of the 1st Division. The crowd was laughing its head off, and even Kaisensaku was guffawing along with them. It took a full ten minutes to restore order, but even then, many were still grinning at all they had just seen and heard.
"And that brings us to the end of this instalment of 'Behind the Scenes'! I'm your host, Kaisensaku Chouritsu, and we'll see you next time." He ushered the two embarrassed seniors out, while the crowd behind them cheered and applauded.
Stuff: Well there you have it. Good? Bad? Horrible? Funny? Stupid? Tell me now! And also, I'd really like ideas for other people to that should feature on the show next, obviously the other captains and vice-captains of the Gotei 13, but also ideas of what happens with them would be gladly accepted, as I don't have many ideas right now.