Bella.
I wish I could cry. I have this absurd belief that the warmth of my tears would be enough to bring her back to life.
But it is not possible.
I do not qualify for a privilege only offered to humans, those fascinating creatures who are all too susceptible to hormones and the slightest bit of change.
Still, I longed to become one of them right now just to be able to hold my wife close and be subjected to the opportunity of joining her.
Even in the land where Hades is king, I would heed any call just to give Bella protection and love.
Suicide has long been abused by depressive teenagers, and I detest the deed itself in my human lifetime. But now I welcome the elusive act; I don't see any reason not to follow, now that the world is stained with her silent heartbeat.
Behold the orchestral masterpiece playing, the musical score looming in and out of my hard-earned façade and sanity.
I'm torn apart.
***
She lay there, pale and unmoving. This corpse is all that's left of my wife all because of me.
And I couldn't take my eyes off her glistening face.
Even in death, her beauty overtook me. Or maybe this was just my response to my self-loathing and the staggering feeling of loss.
"Edward?" she searched for his touch, still blinded by the gnawing pain inside her.
"I'm right here, love." He took her hand and rubbed her flushed cheeks as she curled in pain. A series of cracks echoed through her skin and Edward had to remind himself not to crush Bella's hand in spite of the agony that coursed through.
Carlisle moved in lightweight steps. Never short of precision, he dealt with the situation quietly and with ease. Fluidly, he monitored Bella's vital signs as well as the baby's, and prepared the surgical utensils.
He took out syringes, filled it with sedatives and offered an empty one to Edward.
"She's cracked too many ribs. Let's open her up, take out the baby and then plunge the venom to her heart directly. That way—"
"Not now Carlisle."
"Edward, she's getting weaker by the minute. If that baby stays inside, it will drain out the life of her." His brows furrowed with concern as he assessed Bella, "Now I need to open her in C-section to get the baby. You can start the Acepromazine. If it's not enough, there's Diazepam and Fentanyl-fluanisone. I need you to inject your venom as soon as I draw out an incision big enough for the head. Fill the syringe now."
She took in shallow breaths as her abdomen nudged.
"Uh," she gasped, "you're getting a little playful little one."
"Bella, we don't need to save the baby if it means losing you, " his arms trembled as the syringe sucked out his venom-filled blood, " I can inject the venom now and your cervix will close in—"
"No. Edward." she held her elevated belly by reflex, "This is you and me. Don't let it die."
"But your health—what about your life?"
"I'll fight this. Just save the baby. Please Edward."
***
During her last moments, she fought and struggled with her consciousness. But the dark had been too much and had laid claim on her soul. She never even saw the baby come out.
The tiny infant kicked Dr. Cullen's hand away and had clung to her placenta, as if she knew her mother would leave her forever. She gave a hoarse cry the moment she got out. Edward could hear her faint but steady heartbeats and he turned to see the head covered with a miniature size of his copper hair.
"She's a seven on the Apgar scale." Esme handed Carlisle a towel and he patted her dry of blood and amniotic fluid. Then with another cloth, he wrapped the baby and cradled her.
As if on cue, everyone in the room but Edward flocked to see the new addition to the family.
"Oh she's lovely," Esme said.
"Yes, she has your hair Edward." Emmett muttered briefly.
The infant continued to cry and wasn't cooperative when other hands touched her. She was longing for her mother.
"Can I?" Rosalie offered her hands hesitantly at first but then she urged herself forward the moment she saw Carlisle's face. "Hello. You must be hungry now, aren't you?"
"Carlisle, there's someone here to see you." Jasper interjected. He took in their faces and smiled to the small blanket cradled in Rosalie's arms. "What about—?"
There was a brief pause in Jasper's sudden realization. Even Carlisle had to stop and look at him before he went on his way.
"Let me hold her," Esme could feel the tension building around the room.
The moment the baby touched her, an overwhelming protectiveness and familiarity enveloped her body. Instinctively, she hummed a melody to soothe her cries.
The hymn hovered around them, calmed them.
"Please excuse me." Carlisle cleaned himself with less than a minute to spare, turned to Esme and the baby and then walked out of the room.
"Here Edward."
"Thank you Esme. But please leave me in peace. Go and feed the baby, I don't care. Just let me have some time alone with my wife."
The baby was taken downstairs and Emmett and Rosalie were eager to act out the role of her parents.
With Bella gone and Carlisle not around to talk him out of it, Edward wanted to take Bella's body and run to the Volturi right then and there, but some overwhelming feeling distracted his train of thought.
"Don't push it Jasper." He said without turning around.
Let her go. Dwelling won't do—
"How would you know? You never lost Alice to a monster you created yourself."
"Edward," Alice graced through the door and laid her hand on his shoulder. He moved away without a word.
"All right, we'll give you guys some privacy. C'mon Jazz."
His nose was one step ahead of him. He acknowledged Jacob Black's presence and let him grieve in silence. He let go of Bella's cyanotic hand and backed away a few steps as the auburn-skinned man approached Bella's bed. He stood for a few seconds before he wiped away the tears from her eyes. Gently, he caressed her face and leaned down to cry on her neck.
He stayed with her that way for two minutes and then straightened up to face Edward.
"You—I saw this coming. But I," he stared at the ceiling and wiped his tears dry before continuing, "I never thought it would actually happen. I never should have trusted you."
"Wasn't this what you wanted? Wasn't this what you said was better for Bella?"
"I never wanted her dead and you know it! This hurts me as much as it hurts you—"
"No one, not even you, can match the magnitude of my misery." Edward murmured to himself, but Jacob heard him anyway.
"Fine! I hear you, you're always the superlative between the two of us right? Well, I'm suffering too! I was only protective because I never wanted her to become like you. You're a—"
"A monster."
"At least we agree on that. So now what, we just shove this back to Charlie and drop it in the backyard like a broken motorcycle?"
"You know me better than that. And pay your best friend the respect she deserves wolf." He took a step forward to fix Bella's dress, now wet with tears, "Charlie will be notified, but not now."
"Suuure.. Wait a couple of weeks—enough time for you to get out of here!"
"I'm not leaving her."
"You did once. What makes you think you won't do it again, what more now that she's dead, huh?"
"That was a safety precaution. But I'm not running away anymore. I'm staying with Bella and our family."
"Maybe you better start running. I assured Charlie I'd look out for her and now this. I should have taken her with me when I had the chance."
"You're right. She was always better with you."
Jacob pushed Edward and glared, ""Would you stop wallowing in self-pity and start acting out your role as her husband?? You think taking the blame will make things okay? You could have prevented this blood-"
"Jacob, Bella chose Edward. Can't you at least respect her decision?"
"Yeah, she chose him. But I don't think she chose to be pregnant with a life-sucking-blood thirsty midget!"
"Jake, she's human too. She has Bella's eyes."
Carlisle's last statement hit like rain on a warm summer day. Nostalgia filled the gaps as the regrets loomed in place. They stood still, aware of the finality of Bella's condition and the impending proof that shone on the eyes of the infant.
Carlisle held Jacob back.
***
She has her eyes?
Fourteen seconds passed before Jacob's hand flew. I didn't stop him. My jaw turned abruptly as his knuckle made contact with my left cheek. Carlisle stopped him from any more damage. I should have intervened so that he would have finished me off.
"That's enough Jacob."
"Forgive me Doc, but I just lost the woman I love to death! And he's standing right there!"
"I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Now. I can't let you treat Bella or Edward that way."
"This is what happens to people who get involved with you—they die!"
Yes, I am Bella's death. Thank you for rubbing in the salt Jacob.
***
The only time our senses are sharpest; the one instant we are most grateful; and the moment we feel most alive is when death tolls at our door to carry us home.