This song is from Olivia's POV. As much as I love me some EO fan-fiction the reality is it didn't happen for us, well I mean, physically, we all know it was there. Anyway, here is a songfic of the reality of EO, So here is a song, from the musical Wicked –the untold story of the witches of Oz- the song is "I'm not that girl" originally sung by the one and only Elphaba, Idina Menzel.

I'm not that girl

some days it becomes easier to deal with, but today, today is not one of those days. Today is unusually different. For 12 years I have sat across from him, in this very spot pushing my feelings aside. Pretending that I don't love him. Pretending that we are just friends. Pretending to want him to fight for his marriage. But today, in the squad car he kept glancing over at me every few seconds before finally taking my hand and asking if I was okay. My heart stopped. Then it was racing. My heart was confused my mind was confused. I just wanted him to keep his hand locked in mine forever. Our eyes meet, and held there for a few seconds, before I simply responded with my famous line
"I'm fine"

Hands touch, eyes meet
Suddensilence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl

We stopped for lunch before heading back to our desk for our day full of paper work. We sat at our table at our usual little diner in Manhattan, not far from work. We sat in comfortable silence until the waitress came. Elliot ordered for me, I didn't even have to tell him what I wanted. He knew me like the back of his hand. This of course made me feel like a 16 year old girl. We sat, ate, talked and laughed. God, when I'm with him I feel different. I don't feel like Detective Olivia Benson, I feel like Liv, plain and simple. I feel like I could do anything as long as he is beside me.

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Before heading back to the precinct we stopped at my apartment so I could change after foolishly getting lost in my thoughts, my arm knocked over my glass of water all over my pants. I walk out of my bedroom in a clean pair of black pants, Elliot is sitting on my couch when the doorbell rings, and he goes to answer. It's my neighbor Gina; she tells Elliot that she didn't know I was seeing someone. My only thought is I fucking wish I was seeing him… naked, in my bed, every night. I come out of my thoughts when I hear Elliot say "we are work partners, just friends" just friends. I sighed, apparently out loud because Elliot turned and asked me what's wrong. Just nodding my head, I suggested we just head back to work.

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

We sat in piles of paperwork, it was a relatively low key day. I didn't leave the desks much other than to refill my cup of coffee. Throughout the paperwork filled day Elliot threw about 15 paper airplanes at me. I refused to look at him when he would do this. It drove him nuts. He would throw it- I would pick it up and slip it in the garbage can next to my desk without removing my eyes from the paper at hand. And repeat.

He gets a call. I know it's her, he smiles into the phone as he talks to the women he has been married to for the last 20 years, and she looks like a Barbie doll. After four kids she is still a thin blonde goddess. Why would he leave her for me? I can't compare to that. I'm a single 40-something year old cop, no kids, no family, married to the job, sure, I try to keep a good workout schedule, I'm toned, I've got rock solid abs, but I'm no petit, cute, home-maker, Kathy Stabler.

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Goldhair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl

5pm rolls around, he gets up, slipping on his coat, asking if I need a ride. I tell him no, that I'm going to stay late today. He says goodbye and makes his way to the elevator.
I watch him walk out. Wishing it was me he was coming home too.
But here is some truth: We will always be Stabler and Benson, he will always be my partner, but they will always be Elliot and Kathy and he will always be her husband.
So in the end, she wins.
It's simple really,
I'm not that girl.

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl...

He loves her and he is happy. So I will sit back, like I have for the past 12 years, I will let him be happy and when everything falls apart I will be there to pick up the pieces, like I have for the last 12 years because he loves her.

Well did ya like it? did ya? Hope so! Hope everyone is having a wonderfully fantastic holiday season! Merpy Chrishankwanzakahmas! Xoxo -Lauren