Author: Faolin
Rating: R
Summary: What happened if things had gone differently in the first season?
Disclaimer: I obviously don't own Instant Star…which pretty much stinks.
Under My Skin
Chapter 1
Jude threw the notebook she had been writing in to the floor. It was no use. There was no way she was going to be able to write a song. She was too upset; about so many different things, that right now the only thing she wanted to do was scream. Really, really loud, she thought. She was in the recording studio, but she didn't feel like recording anything.
It had been two days since her dad had told her mom about the affair, and she had watched him with his suitcase in hand, waiting at the door. Sadie had hugged him, but when he turned to her, she couldn't help it. She looked away. She didn't want to hug him. She didn't want to talk to him. She didn't even want to look at him. He had betrayed her, betrayed her mom, and betrayed their family. He was her dad, but all she could think about was how he had hurt her, them, so bad, and how much she hated him for it.
"Jude, I'm out." Kwest's head popped into the room. She nodded.
"Okay. See you tomorrow Kwest." He nodded, and with a "Yo" his head popped back out just as quickly as it had appeared. She glanced at the clock on the wall, noting that it was 11:55. Jude sighed, running a hand over her face. She was tired, but she didn't want to go home. It would just be her and her mom. Sadie was probably out at a friend's house. She wouldn't be back tonight. Not that it would matter. Their mom had been quiet since that night. There hadn't been any screaming, just silence. Which was way worse, she thought.
But not only did she have to deal with her father gone and mother quiet, but she had to deal with her sister as well. Sadie hadn't said a word to her since that night, and she had a strong feeling her sister wasn't happy with her. Why is all this crap happening to me? She let her head fall into her hands. It's not fair. She felt tears prickling behind her eyelids, but she wasn't going to let them fall. She cleared her throat, lifting her head up, wiping swiftly at her eyes. No more crying. This was her life, and she had to deal with it.
She stood up from her seat and went out into the hallway, looking to see if anyone was around. After she was satisfied no one was in the immediate area, she went back into the room and shut the door behind her. Tommy hadn't been in today, Georgia had said he called in sick. Yeah, right. Jude knew way he hadn't come into today, and it definitely wasn't because he was sick.
But, she was actually relieved he hadn't come in. That would have been awkward, given their last conversation, when Jude had told him to get over himself. Yes, that was fresh in her memory. That, and the kiss, which she believed was never going to leave her memory. Ever. It had been—
No. she wasn't going to think about that. Not anymore. What good did it do her? None. So she wasn't going to think about it. She was going to record her song, and then she was going… well, she wasn't sure what she was going to do after that, but she needed to record the song, and she was going to.
She grabbed her acoustic guitar, and sat down on her stool. She made sure the microphone was in front of her, and clicked the record button. Her fingers found the cords, and she started to play.
"I drift away to a place
Another kind of life
Take away the pain
I create my paradise,"
She licked her lips, closing her eyes before continuing.
"Everything I've held
Has hit the wall
What used to be yours
Isn't yours at all,"
It hurt, singing this song. It reminded her about her dad, and about Tommy, neither of whom she wanted to think about at the moment.
"Falling apart, and all that I'm asking
Is it a crime, am I overreacting,"
It was about Tommy, even though she had told him it wasn't. Not all of it, but a big part of it, had been all about him. He had hurt her, even if he hadn't meant to.
"Oh, he's under my skin
Just give me something to get rid of him
I've got a reason now to bury this alive
Another little white lie,"
It had been about the people in her life, whether they meant it or not, hurting her. Making her feel like this, sad, and angry, and just… making her feel like this.
"So what you had didn't fit
Among the pretty things
But never fear, never fear
I now know where you've been,"
"Braids have been un-tied
As ribbons fall away
Leave the consequence
But my tears you'll taste,"
"Falling apart and all that I question
Is this a dream or is this my lesson,"
It had taught her something though, it had taught her to be more guarded, with other people. To know that even if you cared about them, even if you loved them, they could, at any moment, completely destroy you.
"Oh, he's under my skin
Just give me something to get rid of him
I've got a reason now to bury this alive
Another little white lie,"
But more than making her feel depressed and sad, it made her angry. So, so angry. And singing this, she had a place to let it out. To let them know that they hurt her.
"I don't believe I'll be alright
I don't believe I'll be okay
I don't believe how you've thrown me away
I do believe you didn't try
I do blame you for every lie
When I look in your eyes, I don't see mine,"
She wanted to let them know that she wasn't alright, and she wasn't okay. And she wasn't going to just sit there and let them do this to her, make her feel like this, without saying anything about it.
"Oh, he's under my skin
Just give me something to get rid of him
I've got a reason now to bury this alive
Another little white lie,"
"Oh my permission to sin
You might've started my reckoning
I've got a reason now to bury him alive
Another little white lie."
She swallowed, feeling the tears prick her eyes again, and this time, she didn't try to stop them. She let them fall. She clicked off the record button, sliding off the stool onto the floor. Her guitar fell onto the floor next to her, but she didn't care. A sob erupted from her mouth, and she let it go, because even if she had wanted to stop it, she wouldn't have been able to.
She didn't move or say anything when she felt a pair of strong arms wrap around her, she just cried, because right here, right now, she couldn't do anything else. She let the person, who, somehow, she just knew was Tommy, pull her to them. Her head fell against his chest, and she could feel his t-shirt getting wet from her tears. But she didn't care. She didn't care that she was mad at him right now; she just wanted him to hold her, to pretend, if only for a little while, that everything was okay.
"Jude, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean…" She heard Tommy speak, but didn't say anything. Her tears were slowing down, and her sobs had faded to a dull ache. The room was filled with silence, with the occasional sniffle from her. She let herself enjoy being wrapped in Tommy's arms for a moment longer before pulling away. She met his eyes, and felt his hands on her face, his thumbs brushing away her tears. She jerked back, standing up quickly.
"I have to go." She grabbed her jacket, which was lying on the sofa, turning towards the door.
"Jude, wait. Please don't leave. Not like this." She paused, her hand on the door handle. She turned back to him.
"What do you want from me, Tommy?" She spoke softly, her voice still laced with leftover tears.
"Jude…" His face was pained, like he was holding something in. He walked towards her, stopping only a foot away. "I want you to talk to me."
"I don't want to talk, Quincy. I'm tired. I want to go…" But she stopped, unsure what to say. She didn't want to go home. She didn't want to deal with her sad mother and a sister who hated her. She didn't want to go home to that silent house. It was amusing, actually, because she had always loved it when the house was silent, so she could practice with no noises. But this… she hated the silence now.
"Jude, please. We can't keep going on like this. You can't keep going on like this." Tommy spoke softly, gesturing to her. "Look at yourself, you're exhausted. You barely talk to anyone. You—"
"I get it," Jude broke him off stiffly. "I'm fine." She turned around, intending to open the door and leave when Tommy's hand came over her shoulder and pushed the door shut. She turned back around, annoyed. Why couldn't he just leave her alone?
"Tommy, what are you doing? I want to leave." She glared at him as she spoke. "Now."
"Listen to me, Jude." He spoke, glancing down at the floor. "I need you to listen to me, okay? Please?" He glanced up again, meeting her eyes, pleading with her. She let out a breath and nodded.
"Good." Tommy pushed off the door and walked back over to the sofa, sitting down on one side. He motioned for Jude to do the same. She did, but sat on the opposite end. She waited for Tommy to speak, but when he said nothing, she spoke.
"Are you going to talk? Or can I leave?" He glanced at her, pursing his lips.
"This isn't easy to talk about, Jude, okay? I mean… you're sixteen. I shouldn't be talking to you about this at all, but I…" Jude's mind was buzzing as Tommy spoke. What was he getting at?
""But I what," Tommy? You don't want to have a relationship with me? You don't like me? What? 'Cause you aren't being very clear and—"
"Jude, no! I just… I'm twenty-two, you're sixteen. We can't have a relationship. Not yet. I'm your producer. G-Major wouldn't be happy if they found out—"
"Yeah, yeah. I get it." She sighed. She knew this already.
"Jude, we can't have a relationship. Not now." Tommy spoke softly. He slid over to her side of the sofa, his hand on her face and turning it towards his. "If you still want to have a relationship, I mean a real relationship, we have to wait. I'm not saying we can't… we can't be around each other, it just can't get serious. We have to cool it. Okay?"
It hurt, him saying this to her. But she knew it was true, that they would probably get into some trouble if they were together now. And she also knew that she was never going to find another guy like Tommy, and that she would more than want to be with him even if she had to wait. She looked up when she felt his hand on her face again, his eyes questioning hers. She nodded.
"Okay." He gave her a small smile.
"Good. Now you want to tell me what else is going on with you?" She looked down at her hands in her lap, fiddling with her rings, opening her mouth twice before actually speaking.
"My dad's having an affair. I found out…" She looked up, staring at her guitar still lying abandoned on the floor. "I found out that day when you came to talk to me. I thought I was the only one who knew, but I found out that Sadie already knew, and she begged me not to tell mom. I didn't."
She moistened her lips before continuing, her mouth becoming dry as she spoke. "But I just… I couldn't do it. That night when I sang my song at Open Mic, I told my dad he had to tell her. That it wasn't fair to make me lie to her." She glanced over at Tommy, tears starting to form in her eyes again.
"He told her, and then he left." She swallowed. "Sadie won't talk to me now. Mom is quiet all the time. I haven't seen my dad since that night, and I don't want to. I hate him. I hate him for doing this to us. I hate him for doing this to me!" She stopped, the tears sliding down her face silently. She lifted her eyes to met Tommy's. "I hate him. I know I shouldn't because he's my dad. But I still do."
"I know," he sighed. "It's okay, Jude. It's okay to hate him. What he did was wrong, and you shouldn't have to deal with it." He wrapped his arm around her, pulling her to his side. She felt his chin rest on top on her head. "I'm sorry."
"What am I supposed to do?" Jude questioned softly. She felt Tommy kiss her head, and felt his arm tighten around her.
"Just worry about yourself, Jude. You can't do anything else. This is something your parents have to work out on their own. And Sadie… she'll come around. She's just upset." He spoke softly. She nodded against his chest. She hoped so.
"It's late; I'll give you a ride home." Jude nodded, pulling herself away from Tommy. She stood, grabbing her coat again. She followed him out the door, but stopped before she was out. Tommy looked back at her questioningly.
"I'll be out in a sec." He nodded and walked away, leaving Jude alone. She walked over to her guitar, still lying on the ground. She picked it up, looking it over carefully. She traced a small dent she found on the side. That had happened tonight when she had dropped it. She set it in its case carefully, shutting it and running a hand over the black surface. "Sorry about the dent. I was just upset. I'll try not to let it happen again, though. I know you probably didn't enjoy it." She looked one last time at the case before heading out the door to the car, where Tommy was waiting for her.
TBC…
A/N: Reviews are loved!