The future on the other side of the endless darkness
In the past, Sorinozuka used to take everything for granted. He would get up each day and simply let it be. If something good happened then it was a bonus, and if the day was bad then he would simply shrug and let it go. Rather then say that he was optimistic, it was more because he could not be bother to think any deeper.
That was all before though.
Before he was the only one. Before all those that used to surround him disappeared.
His parents both tell him that he should be glad at surviving, but he could not think that way. Even though he assured them that he would not risk his life in an uncharacteristic fashion, everyone knew that they were merely words spoken for the sake of doing so.
Because the youth that returned from Maison de Ayakashi was very different. Instead of not doing something for the sake of being bothered, it was because he was often not able to take that step.
"Why am I the only one that survived?" he did not say these words out aloud, but he would constantly hear them, and there were times when those in the house could hear it too.
After all, what else could he think of?
His parents had always been unusually relaxed, and this could be said even if he compared them to his classmates who were of ordinary heritage instead of those with special power. More then once, they have told him that as long as he could manage to graduate senior high and achieve some sort of stability then it would be enough.
However, a few weeks after what happened, they began to pressure him into making a clear decision. The reason was obvious: they felt that he needed a purpose, a distraction. If he was not able to find any, then they could assign him a position in the company even though everyone knew that this was something he was not able to receive yet.
But it was even more important for him to do something.
On the eve of the day, he went to that place again: the mansion was empty but he knew it would soon be filled up again. However, what was the point if it was no longer the ones that he cared about?
Everything but the people were there: the most important part. The place that everyone had once laughed together was now surrendered by a cruel silence. To make it worse, the absence of the ones that were meant to be there emphasised their absence even more.
Sitting down in his favourite haunt, he closed his eyes and let himself recollect the past once more. He could see all of them so vividly, in both of their forms due to all the silly things that they had done.
At that moment the idea came. The idea did not make sense, yet it felt right. In addition, Sorinozuka was sure that this idea would be able to help him get through the next few months.
It was something that the old him would have laughed and laughed upon hearing it, but that him was a very long time ago.
"I am going to enter university and study Japanese folklore."
Given both his school attitude and grade, the university he could get into was naturally not one that would cause any praise. However, the fact that he was actually going to go to university caused a huge stir in his family and he couldn't help but to actually wonder whether he was a bit too laid back because surely going to a third rated university shouldn't be seen as similar to a miracle happening?
He wanted to study Japanese folklore because that could be a way for him to find something out. As foolish as it was, that brief possibility was enough to motivate him.
He saw a few of his old acquaintances, a slight surprise, although he did not let himself think of this often. After all, the most important ones were no longer there.
He had no idea what to expect, because this was simply the only thing that he could think of doing. It would not be wrong to say that he went with few expectation.
In a way, he was simply clutching at straw.
Unlike the past, where he tended to leave homework and study to the last possible moment, he would go home each day and study. It was not because he had a new zeal toward studying or a great interest in what they were doing, but he did so for the sake of doing it.
His first year of university actually passed quite quickly, resulting in him actually being at top of the class. However, this was simply the result of him not doing anything else.
Because he did not know what else to do. At the very least, when he was doing his university work, he could be distracted.
A second year then passed equally quick and much to his surprise, there were times when he would actually be genuinely curious about what he was studying. Not only did he still harbour the hope of being able to find something that might be useful, there were times when these would remind him of his friends. Despite this being painful, there were times when this could let him smile slightly.
Before, remembering was painful, but he realised that to not being able to remember was equally painful. When he was not able to recollect something about one of them, a panic and fear would emerge.
No, not just that.
There was guilt. There was always guilt.
His second year ended with a surprise because his professor actually offered to grant him a scholarship and even spent a while praising his latest essay. Despite everything, he could actually chuckle at this because he was the same student who once handed in a blank booklet with the following as answer: "I don't know the answer and I happened to fall asleep, so I only had five minutes at the very end."
"You would be able to gain access to a wider range of books. I know that you are very interested in ancient folklore, including that of youkai." His professor added. "Your latest essay also shows great originality. If you want, you can consider the possibility of writing a thesis on that. In fact…"
"…I'll do it."
Why not?
It was also in this year when another major incident occurred.
It took place at the near end of his second year, when he was attending the coming age ceremony. It was not an easy moment because all that he could think about was the ones that died soon after that year, or the ones that never reached it.
Yet he felt that he had to go.
Putting on a suit was still something that he was not quite use to, although he often dressed quite differently, because without recalling exactly how it happened, his clothes no longer consisted of t-shirts and sport jackets.
Before, being twenty was something that simply was, something he has never thought about. It was not that he was thinking about what being an adult meant, but he knew that there would be something different happening soon. Being twenty and attending this ceremony might not immediately cause a dramatic change, but he was definitely at a door.
However, it was not because he was twenty and attending the coming of age ceremony, but because of what happened in the past. Instead of just living happily in the present, he was forced to think about how he should live in the future without those that helped his present.
"Sorinozuka! Did you get conned into wearing a suit too?" it was one of his classmates and even though there were many whom he could easily spend time with in various ways, they were still different from that group of people.
Perhaps it was because that group of people was a mixture between friend and family. They were neither because they were both at the same time.
"My old man actually gave me this suit along with this long as lecture about how this represents responsibility and all that. I had to listen to him lecture for a whole morning!" another of his friend added. "Let's go and drink!"
In all honesty, some of them were already drinking, although he was actually not as extreme was many people seemed to think. All that they ever had was a few beers now and then. Despite having a reputation of being a delinquent due to his hair and tattoo, he was actually nothing like that. His life, as Nobara once said, was remarkably boring. He would go to school and then go home to sleep or watch TV.
He decided to go for the sake of going, and it turned out to be much more boring that what he had anticipated. All that happened was his friends starting to become incoherent and saying things that simply did not make sense.
No one even noticed that he went outside, as they were all too occupied.
He had hoped to be able to get a slight rest from what was going on but it turned out that he under estimated the affect of the day. A few others were outside, clearly having had to much too drink.
"…play with us."
"We'll show you a good time."
He was never the heroic type and everyone, including himself, had commented that he was inclined to be on the lazy side. However, there were still things that he could not just watch being done and not react.
Such as these three trying to harass this girl.
Sorinozuka was just going to step up and say something when that girl suddenly smiled.
It was a strange smile…a smile of possessing a superior knowledge that the other did not have.
"…alright." She said without any worry. "I will play with you guys…if you can drink this."
Her clothes did not change, as it was still a furisode which was not an uncommon sight on this very day. However, the clothes were suddenly a bit damp, like her hair. In addition, a cloth bag had suddenly appeared.
Unlike before, these were signs that he could immediately connect.
"Wait – " he spoke now with a new urgency, but unlike before, the concern was not directed at the girl, but at the youth. It was truth that they were doing something that deserved punishment, but it did not warrant this."
"This sort of thing, is that all?" one of the ring leader laughed as he drank it and then passed it to the other.
"Wait, there seems…" the third began, but his words were suddenly cut short when the girl turned to him, her smile deepening. All of a sudden, she was very seductive.
"Of course I would drink it." the other said.
The appearance of the ladle no longer seemed strange to them, because all they wished was to please this young woman.
This woman that would be reflected in their eyes was a most beautiful woman.
A woman from the heaven.
"Amarounagu." He stated, as he stepped forward, the three that harassed her were now lying on the floor, no longer moving.
"Do not worry, I did not kill them. I merely gave them a sleep for a night. Although," she added with that same smile, "I can't guarantee what would happen to them given what everyone is like today."
"…who are you?"
"Why ask me who I am when you already said it?" she pointed out before she returned to her original form, which was actually very similar to what he just saw. "Amano Chiyomi. I know who you are, you are Sorinozuka Renshou-san."
"You can recognise me?" he wasn't that surprised, because it was as he told Ririchiyo, people like them were bound to cross path with one another.
"Yes, but not because of that." She said instead and the shy smile was very different from the seductive one of the temptress. "It is because I share one of your classes for the last two year. I think most of the class knows who you are."
"What do you mean by that?"
"You are the star pupil in the class." Was the surprising reply. "And a lot of my classmate would often giggle about you."
"Do you know anything else?"
At this, the smile disappeared and she nodded. The expression on her face was enough to tell him that what happened caused her both pain and loss as well.
Without saying anything more, he embraced her, because here was someone that could understand him. It was true that her loss was not the same as his, but it was something that caused her great pain too.
That was enough.
Upon seeing her at their class the next day, he actually went to sit beside her. It was something that just felt right. He had went home the previous night without thinking much, but when he saw her the next day, he decided that he was curious about her.
It had been a long time since he felt like this. He was brutally honest by admitting that right now, it was not just the girl that he met that interested him, but her past and ancestry.
Cyimoyi actually smiled at this and told him that it was as good as any other possible start.
That would be their first date, with her telling him about the story of her family. It was not unfamiliar to him, as it was similar to many of the others. By now, this was something he had many knowledge with due to his research. Unknown to many of his classmates, what seemed like a common theme in a story was actually merely a record of history for many.
Chiyomi's ancestor was a craftsman for traditional hair accessories and he was able to craft a work that was so fine that an amarounagu was seduced by it, causing her to keep this man alive instead of killing her, as they usually would.
The craftsman was naturally very skilled since he was able to create such a finery, but due to the assistance of his beautiful wife, he ended up becoming the most prestigious worker in his town. In addition to the desire of buying his work, those who saw them in the amarounagu's hair believed that they could create such a beauty by using them.
Even though the demand for such work was in decline, her family still did very well. As long as this was needed, they would be the dominate factor in the market.
Every few generation, the amarounagu would appear. When they do, they would usually repeat what their first ancestor did and that would be enough to help the small business, restoring any worry that might have happened due to this changing market.
"How did you end up here then?" Sorinozuka asked one day, what they would realise to be a later event because that was when he was curious about the present instead of the legend in the past.
"It is the 20th century, so I couldn't be like my ancestors in the past, where I would just revert into my original form and parade around in the decorations my family make." She said and there was actually a slight bitterness in her voice.
"A lot of us are similar." He pointed out, recalling what Nobara often complain about: that her parents just want to get her into an arranged marriage and have children so that the family line can continue.
In that aspect, he was very fortunate, as his parents were very unusual. Now that he was doing fairly well in university, they told him that he just have to continue doing what he want.
"Yes, but because I am the amarounagu…it is not even me who is doing the work by looking pretty. It is her." Chiyomi said, the bitterness more obvious this time.
Sorinozuka was not observant and this has often been commented on. However, he suddenly realised that Chiyomi was different from any classmates of the opposite gender, as well as any of the girls he had previously gone out with.
She did not have any make up on and she rarely looked in the mirror. During the first few dates he had with his girlfriends from senior high school, he would often find them looking in the mirror to check their heavily made up face.
"Do you not like your appearance?" he asked.
Chiyomi responded by taking out a mirror and doing what he has never seen her do. Unlike other girls, she was not looking at her reflection for a reassurance, but to answer the question that he asked.
"I know that I am lucky in my appearance, as I actually do look fairly good." She admitted, a hand brushing a lose strand of hair back. "After all, I am the descendant of an amarounagu. However, regardless of how much I try with my appearance, I can never win over the amarounagu. As soon as she comes out, everyone would only remember and recall how beautiful she is. My appearance actually does not matter, because everyone can only remember the amarounagu."
"But you are the amarounagu." He told her without any hesitation. "That is you."
She did look different in her original form but he did not feel that she looked completely different. For him, it was simply as if she had some make up on along with a different outfit.
"You are really strange." She finally said. "Because you notice a lot, yet notice little."
He himself did not understand what he did but afterwards, she began to wear make up and there were times when he would notice her checking her appearance in mirrors.
When he finally asked, she would smile and say: "It is because I realise that Amano Chiyomi's appearance is important too."
No one was really surprised when he and Chiyomi moved in together after they graduated. During their third and fourth year in university, the two of them were acknowledged as a couple by their classmates.
He took Chiyomi with him during on the holidays and his parents simply told her that they just wish for their son to be happy. By this time, he has actually recovered as to be embarrassed at this instead of feeling guilty at what he caused them to feel.
Chiyomi's parents were not so extreme either, as they were not as prestigious and wealthy as other with their heritage. He was actually quite relieved that they were not like Ririchiyo's family.
Her parents told him that since he knew their family's special background, that was enough.
"Look after Chiyomi for us." Her mother added. "That girl can be surprisingly stubborn."
It seemed as if he had picked up his life again and made it quite successful. He was studying in the university and helping out as a tutor at the same time, earning himself a good enough amount of money. He was also in a steady relationship with a girlfriend that was very understanding to him.
After all these years, he was able to return home and be happy. There were still many times when he would think of that important group of people, but he was able to think of the good parts instead of keep on wishing that they would be here again and reproaching himself for being the one that lived.
Chiyomi did not stay in the university so long and she admitted that her time in the university had started of as a slight rebelling at her parents. However, she would always add, she was very glad that she did this as it allowed them to meet.
After graduation, Chiyomi returned to help in her family business, using her study as a way to help in the production of her craft. She was also the one that would negotiate with their clients, occasionally in her amarounagu form.
He actually enjoyed seeing her dress up for these occasions, regardless of whether she reverted back to that form. Without understanding why, he was a bit proud that this beautiful woman chose him.
"Do you think I am shallow?" he asked her once, after she returned home from such a visit.
"You? You are the one who actually thinks that I look as beautiful as my amarounagu form, so how can you be shallow?" She laughed, carefully taking out the numerous hair decorations and then let her long hair out, the end of it tickling him slightly. "It is not you being shallow, it is you actually caring for me."
He suddenly thought of what his past girlfriends had commented to him: that he simply did not care about them, because he would be indifferent regardless to how they carefully dressed up.
"You think so?" he said once again.
Chiyomi smiled and embraced him, whispering out: "I know it is so."
In the beginning, they had a little room together and he was actually quite surprised that their parents both accepted this. However, since they managed to obtain an agreement without any difficulty, they decided against pushing their luck and simply choose to accept it.
Some time later, his parents would explain that they could tell that this was what he needed while her parents said that this actually benefitted them because it caused Chiyomi to join the business and work hard for it.
Of course, both families naturally still had someone to keep a careful eye on them.
He enjoyed that time together- perhaps it was the proximity of the smallness of the room. As he typed on his laptop or graded the essays in front of him, he could feel her presence in the room.
There were times when he would look up to see her observing him with a smile, while at times, she would be sitting right beside him and reading one of the books he was using for research.
If someone asked him what the purpose of writing his thesis was then he would tell them that it was because he wanted and needed to. What started of as a way of passing the time and a belief of finding out clues about others had become something that was for he himself.
"I like seeing how you focus on this so much." She told him.
The thesis was written and by that time, this was only a bit more writing then usual instead of something that the younger him would have described as taking a whole lifetime to do.
It turned out that this writing was merely the beginning, because he actually was offered to write more by the professors who was very interested in his work.
He was to receive his grade and the offer at the same time.
"This is the last type of job I would ever see myself doing." He told Chiyomi that night as he placed the wad of paper at the middle of their small table.
Was this room of a stereotypical literature student really his? Even as he took comfort in it, it was still a rather surprising one. It was something that still never failed to surprise those who knew him before his university time.
It was at such time when he would think: "What would they think if they see this?" However, these moments would be quickly replaced by thoughts of the present.
He was moving on. As difficult as it was, he was starting to accept the fact that those who were gone would not come back. Of course, he was not completely recovered, as there were still times when he would feel guilty, but he was making a good start.
Most importantly, he was concentrating on his own life.
"It is to be a book that talks about the snow woman and her various forms, drawing comparison with other countries' legend." He explained. "It would be a challenge because even though I have focused on the legend in Japan a lot, I have yet to focus on the outside view."
"But it is not just that, is it?" she pointed out as she placed the two coffee mug onto the table. "It would be about her."
He has written and researched about various types of youkai before, and it has included all those in that group. However, the tale of the snow woman was always the hardest because of Nobara.
She was the most special to him. In addition to that combination of friendship and family, as well as being his secret service, she was also a very special friend. It was that rare case where two people of different gender formed a friendship that was not romantic, and was stronger then the tie of a romantic friendship and the friendship of the same gender.
"Yes, it is partly due to that." He admitted. "But at the same time, I am glad that my first book would be about her."
"I understand, I really do." She assured him, reaching out across to grasp his hand. "I just hope that it would help you to move on."
She had lost a friend due to what happened all these years ago, but it was not like what had happened to him. Even though what happened was very tragic and caused her great pain, she was able to move on because one could only do that upon losing a love one.
His story was more tragic because he watched all of them die, one after the other. Instead of just a tragic accident, it became a reminder of his failure and an event that constantly tortured him.
Almost all that were important to him were gone.
"I just want you to one day write a book about the ittan-momen." She told him. "Because that is the one youkai that you have to work on."
"It is simply not as interesting as the others." He began with a laugh, trying to make the light of the situation. "Compared to something like the hyakume, what interest does the ittan-momen have?"
"You know it is not that." She said, clearly not buying his bluff at all. "It is because you don't regard yourself as that important."
How could he argue against that? Despite everything, he was still not just a scholar, this was still something with an ulterior purpose. It was not as much as it was, but the initial purpose was still there.
"It shouldn't be the itta-momen." He finally said. "It would be about the amarounagu. It might be a while but one day, I should be able to write about the amarounagu."
"I will wait." Was her promise. "It might take a while, but I will wait for you."
To completely let go of the past and live in the present.
The book was merely one of the first books that he ended up written, as he ended up writing about the others too. His publisher and editor told him that his success was due to him being able to find the right balance between academic knowledge and popular culture. His book contained the deep information that made them special, yet was not so complex as to be barred fro the main public. People would read his books due to being able to learn from it without struggling during the process.
"Here is a toss to more years of working together, sensei." His editor began upon the release of his newest book, which finally caused them to offer him a permanent contract with him. The reason was simple: they were worried and afraid of losing him.
Initially, Sorinozuka would accept the contract of writing the next book and just focus on that, as well as helping out in the university now and then. This was because he himself was not fully sure of whether he would continue doing this. After a few times, however, the publisher actually realised that this was no longer something that they can take risk about.
"Sensei?" Sorinozuka repeated this word slowly. "You are referring to me?"
"Of course! In addition to all the books that you have written, are you not also an assistant professor at the university?" the publisher's owner said in a very matter of fact way. "How else should we address you?"
Without intending to, he actually built a fairly successful career for himself. His home life was also quite good as well, as Chiyomi was still with him.
"Although it is a shame that you won't use your name, sensei." His editor commented. "Because surely your two fields are the same."
"Privacy issue with family." Was the simple response.
He did not think that it would really matter, but he was not sure if he wanted the other families to know and ask him about it. Therefore, he simply took a phone book and random opened a page and pointed at a direction.
Kimura Renshou, he figured that he was able to keep his own first name.
None of his books contained any photos and he refused to make any promotion. His interest and desire was writing, so he would leave it at that stage.
As for his other career, he remained an assistant professor and he was happy with this, because this was really something that came to being by accident. He half suspected that this title was given to him so that he could continue to help out in the university. Even though the same professor assured him that if he was willing, he could easily be promoted after doing more research and writing, he decided that he was fine with what he was doing now.
Just like how he managed to keep a balance with these two fields in his books, he wanted to do the same in his life too.
His personal life has changed to. Instead of that small room, he now had a proper apartment. One thing that remained constant, however, was the plague at the door.
Both "Sorinozuka" and "Amano" was there.
It was not that he really did not understand what he should be doing, but it was something that he just couldn't do yet. Even though he knew that enough years have passed, he was still unable to take that final step.
"I can't forget them yet." He told Chiyomi after another dinner where the hints were getting less subtle with the years passing.
"What more do you two have to wait for? You are both at the right age with a proper career, not to mention that new house."
That was something that was more common then not.
"I told you that I will wait for you, didn't I?" Chiyomi assured him when they finally escaped to the privacy of their car. "I will wait."
A decade was a long time, and it would be a decade for them since their first meeting by chance. It was also symbolic because that would also be the year that they both leave being in their twenties.
Wasn't that enough? It was more then a decade since they left, and a decade since he meet Chiyomi. Shouldn't this be enough?
He spent the afternoon walking around the jewellery stores, taking the advice of his editor who told him that if he sees the right one, then he would know it. It seemed a silly idea to him, but he was at a stage when he decided that he might as well give this a go.
Maybe he was using this as an excuse, he could not deny it.
It was truly one of those unexpected moment in life, a bit like his meeting with her. It just appeared without any warning and he knew that this was the right one to give Chiyomi.
Perhaps it was a sign.
It was the anniversary of their meeting, the tenth one and Chiyomi decided to reserve a seat in that place the two of them had met. When he found this out, he thought that this would be a good occasion to propose to her, moving on from all that in the past by making the declaration in the place that he meet the person who become so important in the present.
Only that he couldn't.
All he had to say was these short words, but he was not able to.
The box with the ring seemed to be weighing so heavily, preventing the right words from coming out.
In the end, all he could do was to whisper out: "I am sorry" over and over again.
That he was still unable to make her the most important despite him being so to her, that he was still unable to focus on her completely despite her doing so for him.
That he was still living in a past that could not come back, that he still wished for this past to be here in order for him to feel that this life was right.
"It's okay, Renshou." He heard her whisper as she embraced him, rubbing his back gently. "It's okay. I understand. I will wait for you."
In the end, that ring was put in a secret place, as he realised that he was not able to give it to her just yet, even though he wished for her to wear it.
He had felt her guiding him home, as he was actually in a mess. He was still sobbing because what happened reminded him of all the ones he lost and the pain was as vivid as it had been when he first lost them a whole decade ago. Was it because he was doing something that he felt to be betraying them?
But why was this wrong? He was merely trying to move on with his life, by having the woman he love being beside him.
"What is wrong with that?" he recalled himself whispering this out as Chiyomi ushered him to their room and urged him to rest.
"Nothing." She told him as she kissed him lightly. "It is just that you are still trying to learn that."
Waiting up the next day, he was relieved that he was alone, because he did not know how he should face her given that he was a thirty years old man who ended up crying like a five years old child on the night that he was meant to be proposing to his girlfriend of ten years.
However, wallowing in his room in self pity was only a temporary solution, so he decided that he would get some coffee and then have a good talk to her.
He knew that she would understand, but could that be why? Because she was so understanding, he was relying on her too much, almost taking her for granted.
"…only thirty, I hardly think that this is a reason for everyone to be so stressed, mother."
His hand froze on the door knob because the reason of the conversation was too obvious.
Luckily, the reply from the other side was completely inaudible, suggesting that this was a phone call instead of a visit.
"For goodness sake, mother, it is not as if we live in a celibate fashion. We might not be married, but we are still doing what can create children." Chiyomi almost snapped out. "Therefore, why is everyone so worried that I am not married?"
Another pause then came and when Chiyomi spoke again, her voice was much gentler. "I know, I know. I know that you are concerned about me as well, but you have to admit, the rest of them are only worried due to that. Renshou is not leading me on or anything, he just have difficulty dealing with his lose. Mother, his desire to marry is actually stronger then any of the relatives who are pressuring me to marry. Therefore, please do not worry."
Whatever said next must have made angry once more, as this was declared out: "In that case, for those that are so concerned with me not having any children, tell them this: I live in a way that have more a chance of conceiving a child then me marrying."
The phone must have been hung up rather abruptly because the door was suddenly yanked open and he was face to face with her.
"…my relatives are pestering my parents again." She said simply as she gave him a kiss on the check. "Are you feeling better?"
"…is that all you want to say to me?" he examined out in shock.
"Well, I would tell you that my parents are not to be blamed for any of this but I am sure that you already know." She said lightly. "I am not in a mood to cook so let's go and have lunch."
"…is that all you want to say to me?" he asked again.
"I would like to marry you but I know that you are not ready yet." Chiyomi told him gently. "But I can wait because I know that you love me and want to marry me. And I am happy with the way we live."
Unlike before, he actually truly wanted to change from a pleasant enough situation as he knew that there could be a better situation.
In each one of his book, he always had a dedication that was often regarded as rather strange by the rest. It was: "To my amarounagu", even though he has yet to write about this being saved for his university researchers.
Some has comment that his choosing of the word was rather strange, as he used this word which could have a negative connotation. However, he would merely laugh and tell his editor that it was because this was more suitable.
The truth was more straightforward: it was not any simile or metaphor, but merely a statement of what Chiyomi is.
He did ask her whether she would mind but her answer was her insisting that he have this instead of using a less obvious name.
"This will help me wait, so I want this." she told him firmly.
It was time for him to start the book, he did not know when he would finish it, and if he had to choose a date, then he would say that a few years was probably realistic. However, it was time for him to make a start to it.
This would be one of his best works.
He had wanted to keep this from Chiyomi, but it seemed that he was not very good at keeping secrets from her, as it only took her a few weeks to find it out due to him.
"I am starting it, but I don't know when it will be finished." He admitted due to the secret being revealed by his own slip of tongue. "Therefore, I did not feel that it would be a good time to tell you."
"Did I not say that I would wait for you? Therefore, the fact that you are making a start is good enough."
He often thought of whether their heritage was related to their personality and the answer was maybe. For some people, such as Miketsukami, there was a clear link. However, for others, this was not so.
Chiyomi was clearly in the latter category, because an amarounagu was one that should be receiving from men, instead of one that was devoting everything she have to a man like him. She was giving all that she could for him, while he was the one that was receiving.
At first, he was simply happy at his fortune and was confident that he would be able to recover due to having someone like this right beside her. However, as the years passed, he actually began to feel a bit guilty, because he felt that he was not able to do what he should.
That he should do more for her.
That he did not deserve to have this.
If she yelled at him for continuing to cling onto the past instead of just embracing him and tell him that she understood, would he be able to feel better? If she did that, could he try to move on faster instead of just taking shelter in the security of: "I can take my time and recover."
These thoughts began to appear because a man that was in his thirties could not just accept that things would change in the same way that a man in his twenties could.
The latter could simply wait for the future, but the former have to do something about the future.
It was at such a time that he would take out that ring and look at it, the ring that should have already been given to Chiyomi. To a woman, a ring symbolised many thing, but it seemed that this logic could apply to him as well.
This ring indicated a new life, a new start.
He wanted this so he would take it out and consider giving it to the wearer, but he was also afraid so that was why he would still end up putting it back into the box and in that corner of his drawer.
Turning forty was a shock because he was reminded with what he has still yet to do. It was true that he had gained a reputation in both fields of his career, but other aspect of his life had not changed at all from the young teen that left the mansion all these years ago.
Chiyomi was still beside him, but she also still has the same title that she had for two decades.
As they drove home from a visit to his parents, he realised that if he did not do something, then what happened ten years later would be the same. He would still be in the final state of moving on.
He has been stuck in this final state for two decades because it was the hardest part of the whole journey, yet it was also the shortest part at the same time.
"I can't continue like this any more." He realised that night.
Beside him, Chiyomi stirred slightly and she turned, snuggling against him even more. Recently, she has begun to look at her mirror with a new purpose: trying to determine if there was any wrinkle and grey hair. Despite both his assurance and her customers' words, it was clear that she was getting worried at being middle aged.
"You do not have any grey hair." He assured her as he brushed her hair that night, a little ritual that developed and never went away. "And even if you do, does that matter at all?"
"Not really, but it is still important." She pointed out before she frowned. "You are not lying about the grey hair, are you? I am sure I saw one."
"I am not. Remember what you always say? I am the one who does not get affected by your original form, so why would I be concerned about a few grey hair?" he told her, dropping the hair brush so that he could embrace her. "I think the amarounag's husband probably wish that she can grow old with him, instead of just being forever the same."
"I don't mind growing old, I really don't." Chiyomi whispered that night, as he tightened his hold on her. "I am happy with where I am."
But she shouldn't be, he realised. It was not just that he was not able to marry her, but that he was not giving her his full attention.
"Maybe it is time." he decided.
Two decades was enough.
"Chiyomi, I will say my goodbye tomorrow." He told the sleeping figure, and even though it was probably just his imagination, he thought that she actually smiled slightly at his words.
He was actually a bit distracted the next day and when Chiyomi commented about this, he told her that it was because he was going to go the Maison de Ayakashi to say his goodbye.
"Twenty years is long enough." He said simply. "Much too long."
The mug of coffee was put down with a loud bang, a few drops almost splashed onto the expensive kimono that she was wearing. It seemed suitable that the pattern of the kimono was very much like the one she had wore on their first meeting, on her coming of age ceremony. He could recognise it because she had showed it to him, saying that it was now her favourite one due to what happened.
But the sleeves were no longer the dangling sleeves of a youthful girl, and even though the pattern was very similar, it was much toned down to reflect her age.
He did not have much time to continue this thought because at the very next moment, he was locked into a very tight embrace.
"I am the itta-momen, it is I that should be doing this." he joked, trying to lighten the mood. However, it was clear that he did not manage because he could actually feel her body shaking slightly.
"Was I really that bad?" he asked softly, almost dreading the answer.
"No, it is not that." Her words were very soft, barely audible, and the fact that they were muffled was another suggestion. "It is just that it has been so long and even though I said that I will wait for you, even though I will wait for you, there has been time when it is really hard. There have been times when I wonder whether it is possible for you to ever move on."
"I am not saying that I am going to let them go, because they would always be very important to me. However, I think that it is time for me to live my own life." He explained. "It was not as if I would have lived like that forever, but it was just that the way they were cut short…"
Instead of experiencing changes, it was forced on him before he was ready for it. To make it worse, there was the fact that he felt guilty at being the sole survivor.
"Today, I will say goodbye." He assured her. Unknown to her, the box was actually in his pocket, perhaps it would also serve as a slight charm. It was two decades since he last entered the place and he needed all the strength that he could have.
The place itself did not change, but it was a very different place because the ones that were there were still not.
He went to that tree and placed his hand over that spot where he had dug that hole all these years ago. What had he written all these years ago? He could not remember but it was probably some trivial matter because the him then was confident that he was able to live on happily.
He remembered what the cook had said about reincarnation and it seemed something very matter of fact then, because wasn't that what had happened?
Back then, he didn't consider the possibility of how it would feel to be left behind in such a fashion.
All these people were gone and even if they came back, they would not be the same as they were. He knew this, yet he could not help but to wish for them to come back at the same time. Therefore, he kept on living in the past as there was this faint hope that what was lost could be restored, even though he knew it could not be so.
"…it is time." he said softly. What was buried in there would remain there, because the one who buried it there would never dig it up. It was time for him to acknowledge this.
What happened all these years ago would just be a pleasant memory and when he thought about it, he would only remember how he had been very happy here. Even though he would continue to grieve at their death, he would no longer torture himself with wondering whether he could have done something to change this.
He was going to go back to his home with Chiyomi and he would ask her to marry him, and he knew that she would agree. He would then let her have whatever she wished in regard to the wedding because he owned her too much. If she did decide to have the most extravagant wedding then he would use up all his money because he wished to finally do something for her.
Then it was time for him to talk to his parents, letting them know that he was finally growing up by living in the present instead of the past. That he would finally do what they had hinted at him for quite a while: marrying and starting a family.
He would also need to talk to Chiyomi's parents and they would probably not be very happy at him, since he did keep their daughter waiting for a whole two decades.
It was time, he decided as he stood up and prepared to turn away.
"Sorinozuka?"
Why was it that he would hear this voice now? Just as he was finally going to step into the future, he was to hear the voice of his past.
She was not the same Nobara that he knew, but it was still her.
A choice was presented to him and despite all his resolution, he could not help but to walk to the one that had been on the scale for much longer, even though this was always the more impossible one.
Sorinozuka was not sure how Chiyomi knew but it was clear that she knew what happened. As soon as he entered, her expression changed from that of a happy one to a very bitter one.
For a long time, the two of them just saw across each other, neither wanting to be the one that break the awkward silence.
"…what do you plan to do now?" she finally said. "Are you going to return there?"
"Of course not, this is our home." He said firmly. "And I still intend to do what I decided."
"What you decided? You cannot do that, I realised that now." Chiyomi said bitterly as she stood up and began to pace the room angrily. "The problem was never about whether you can let go of the past, but whether you can live in the present instead of wishing to live in the past."
"I do not want that. I know that this is impossible – " he began indignantly, but this was interrupted by her.
"What you know and what you want have always been different, Renshou." She told him sadly. "I know…I know this all along, only that I believe you could have move on."
"Why do you think that I won't be able to do so now?" he reasoned. "I found Nobara-san but I know that she is not the same Nobara-san that was once my secret service."
"Because you want her to be! When you came back…when you spoke of her…I know that this is what you want. And I also know that by seeing her, you will try and find the rest. You will be focusing on the past again instead of the future."
"I…" he wanted to deny that but he could not, because that was what he has already talked about doing with Nobara. He was aware that Nobara's reason for finding them was different, but the fact that she wanted this was able to justify his decision of finding the rest.
"In the end, your past is still more important then anything else." Chiyomi said and unlike before, her voice was no longer angry. Instead, it was merely that of a tired one.
Without saying any more, she stood up and walked to their bedroom.
He did not immediately chase after her, because he did not know what was the right thing to do or say. Instead, he could only sit here and think about what she said: was his desire of finding the rest truly an elimination of the present? Did that really mean he did not care about Chiyomi?
A loud thud from the bedroom caused him to walk there, even though he did not feel that he was ready to face her.
A suitcase was in the middle of the ground and she was throwing all her clothes there, even her expensive kimono that she wore for special guests. A few seconds later, a new sound was to interrupt: that of her emptying all the context of her dressing table into another bag.
"What are you doing?" it was probably a stupid thing to say, but that was the only thing that he could think of.
"What does it look like?" she snapped.
It was, he suddenly thought, as if she was releasing all the frustration she had for two decades.
"Would you have me deny my past?" he asked, a very low trick.
"…who said anything about denying the past? It is you who is denying the future." She replied. "I am not leaving because someone is there, but because I would no longer be here."
"Chiyomi – "
"Can you swear that you won't do all that you can for those in the past?" this was whispered out and there were tears in her eyes. "I want to be together with you, but I now think that this is not possible. To you, the most precious time is still that time in the past."
"But you are important too." He said firmly as he tightened his hold. "Chiyomi…please don't leave me."
"Then why aren't you able to convince me to stay? Why can't I coexist with the rest?"
Unlike him, she already knew that they would be more important.
The house was brought with Chiyomi and it was always their house. Even though she took all her clothes and other personal possessions away, this was still a house with two people instead of one with traces of this being all over the place.
It was probably just as well that Nobara decided to come and live with him because he was not used to living alone now.
She guessed that he was living with someone else, that he had previous relationships before, but she did not guess how serious a relationship it was.
He and Chiyomi were all but married.
After he deflected Nobara's questions by saying that it was over, he thought that Chiyomi was probably right, because he was not able to tell the others about Chiyomi even though she should be right beside him.
"…are you sure that you are fine like this?" Natsume asked and he thought that the other's expression was very strange.
Was it pity?
"What do you mean?"
"You are very strange." Natsume said instead. "You are not lying or pretending. It is because you yourself don't understand what you are truly thinking."
"Then why are you asking me whether I am fine like this?" he replied.
At this, the other actually patted him on the shoulder and he felt that their position was reversed to all these time ago, when he was the student in senior high with the other being the much worldly man.
"I am sorry." Was all that Natsume said.
Natsume naturally knew everything, but when the others asked, he simply said that he was working and time just passed for him without him deliberately doing anything.
Some seemed to have taken his words at face value, while others just must have thought that it was better to let him tell in his own time.
Kagerou was quite strange as well, as he said the following: "Even now I can't work out whether you are S or M. Perhaps you are both."
However, they were soon distracted by more important and severe factors.
Why did he want to accept that cruel fate of immortality? It was not because he was the eldest, that lame excuse was simply the first thing that came to mind. The real reason was because his guilt has never quite disappeared and it seemed that he could finally do something.
In addition, it seemed that Chiyomi was right- he was not able to stop living in the past. Therefore, perhaps it would be best for him to go instead of those who were living their live again.
Unlike him, he was directly from that present.
"Perhaps I destroyed my own present, that is why." He said softly upon Nobara's comment of the past.
In his hand was the letter he had written and he was right by believing that it was something trivial. He wished that he could go back to being that youth again and it was not just because the others then were with him, but because life was so much easier for him.
Once more, he found himself wishing for the impossible even as he reproached himself for doing so.
What was it that he should write to his past self? That this would be his future? How could he tell this to the seventeen years old youth who lived in such a carefree way?
Yet he had to. Vain as it was, perhaps this was a way to prevent the same mistake. If that youth had tried to grab what was important to him, then perhaps he could grab onto his happiness better.
With a shaky hand, he began to write. Would the him then be surprised at the amount he was writing here given that the other hardly write?
"Sorinozuka-sama, Ririchiyo-sama wishes to talk to you." the other interrupted and it was strange to hear this address instead of "oniisama", and it was probably another reminder that the past and present were different. Didn't Nobara herself say this? Even though she was not referring to him, he could still feel the sting of her word too clearly.
She was not the same Nobara that he knew. Just because a person had their previous memory, it did not mean that they were the same. After all, people were also defined by all that they met.
In the same way, even though Ririchiyo still had some of her habits, she was not the same girl that was almost like a sister.
"…you gave yourself a lot of stuff to read." Was what Ririchiyo said to him upon him entering.
He had two envelopes. One was the letter, while the other was actually the manuscript of the book that he could no longer publish, that of the amarounagu.
It was completed, but Chiyomi was gone. Therefore, he could not publish it. It was like the ring by being thoughts that could not reach.
"It is what my past self should know." He told her and that was not a lie.
"…is it one of your books?" turning, Ririchiyo reached to the nightstand on the other side and pulled out one of his books.
It was the first book that he had ever written: the one about the snow woman.
"How did you find out?" he asked as he took the familiar book and read the words that were written so long ago. As he did so, he could recall that time again, how he had typed this with Chiyomi right by him.
"I actually saw you talking to your editor the other day. She called you sensei and I was curious. I…" Ririchiyo's hands were clenched together and she looked as she did on the rare occasions where she would openly show her emotions instead of hiding it behind some harsh words. "I never once asked you about these twenty years."
"That was not your fault, as I did not want to talk about it." he assured her gently.
"But I was wrong to take it so lightly." She whispered. "I never once considered how difficult it had been for you. You watched us die…you had to live these twenty three years by yourself."
"That wasn't your fault." He said firmly.
"But why do you think it is your fault?" she asked. "I…I contacted her."
"Chiyomi?" he examined in surprise. "How did you find out about her?"
She answered him by opening his book to the dedication. Then she reached over and did the same thing with a second book.
"…what did she say?"
"That she hope we take care of you because she does not want you to go through what she saw you suffer again." Ririchiyo whispered. "That is why i am so sorry."
"What happened with Chiyomi was all my own fault." He said without any hesitation. "I simply took her for granted as I never once realised what she was going through due to me."
"I did the same too." Ririchiyo whispered. "I cling onto the past and failed to realise how much I was hurting him. I…I know that I don't have any place to say this given that I am partially responsible, but I hope you can be happy and…"
"I wish for this too." He admitted as he embraced her again. "And I think I can too. You are all live and well, and I think that should be enough."
As he walked out of the hospital, he was certain in what he should do. He would go to where Chiyomi was and beg and kneel if he had to, because he simply needed to have her right beside him.
He finally understood what he was doing wrong: he forgot to acknowledge his own change. His conversation with Ririchiyo made him realise that just as they were not the same as they were then, he himself had changed.
What he failed to was to reconcile his present with his past, as he had not been able to deal with the changes in both the others and him. He would adjust the letter for the youth that he has been, because this was one of the most important lessons for the other.
Everyone was surprised at their letter, and after they read it, they were all curious about what Sorinozuka's extra envelope was. The person in question, however, merely shook his head and said: "It is something private."
The truth was that he was a bit shocked at the emotion that his future self would end up feeling for this woman. This whole book seemed a dedication to her.
If it wasn't for the fact that they had more to worry about, he wanted to laugh at the fact that he actually became a writer and assistant professor in his future. It just seemed a bit too crazy.
Yet he could not help but to wonder about this girl that ended up being with him for two decades. This girl that became the most important to him.
"The future is not the present in the same way that the past is not the present," his future self had written, "But I still hope that you might be able to find Chiyomi and give her the happiness that I did not, the happiness I hope to give."
He was curious about this girl, but how was he to find her? Should he actually go to university as his future self did? That idea seemed absurd even though the him in the future not only did this, made a career out of this.
"But that is not the same, is it? That is due to different experiences in life." He commented to Natsume.
"Yet at the same time, we are all still connected." Natsume said. "I don't know what would happen to you in regard to that aspect, but I know that you would be meeting that person."
Afterwards, there were too much stuff to distract him and it would be sometime later before he could read what was his second letter. Perhaps it was because it was written by him, he actually ended up reading what was probably the thickest book that he has ever read.
He was really surprised at the fact that he could write like that. In addition, it seemed that this was something that his future alternate self often do. He would have thought that one book along would probably take a whole life time to write.
The him that wrote the book was clearly a very different person due to having suffered the fate of losing everyone and he could not imagine what it was like to endure it, although one would obviously have no choice but to accept this. But the reminder of what could have been had made him determined to do all that he could for the rest. Even if he could merely delay something for five seconds, he would try and do that.
Because to not do so would result in a regret that trapped him in the past.
He was not sure what he should do but he did thought about going to university and study Japanese folklore. After all, it seemed that this was something that he was interested in and it even seemed something he ended up being quite good at. Even though he was aware that this was also the result of the studies being a form of escapism, he felt that he might have the secret potential of doing well.
Besides, what harm could it do? Why not give this a try? All that happened made him realise that there were times when he should stop just lying back and go with the flow.
Having made his decision, he went to that same university. He was not trying to recreate the career of his future, but merely trying to have that as a possible future by using it as a guide in the present.
There was also the fact that this would be easier, as it did not involve any extra cramming.
It really was a matter of timing. After having got the necessary booklet, he turned around and headed toward the nearest exist. It just happened that he bumped into the person beside him due to being a bit careless.
"I am sorry, I should have watched where I was going." He began as he helped her pick up her book.
"No, I should have been more careful as well." the girl said before she suddenly noticed that instead of handling the book to her, he seemed to be holding it in midair due to him staring right at it.
"Are you alright?" she asked as she took the other end of the book and pulled it. Much to her surprise, the other had an unusually tight hold on it.
"Amano…Chiyomi." Sorinozuka whispered the name out in pure disbelief, this same name that his dominated a majority of the letter from his future self. "Amarounagu."
"…who are you?"
"You probably think I am crazy but I am glad to meet you." he chuckled as he returned the book to her. "Would you accept a coffee and an unusual story from me?"
Not far from them was Natsume and Nobara, who were both looking at Sorinozuka and Chiyomi, who were sitting at a café across the street. They could not hear what they were saying, but it was clear that the conversation was a happy one as both these younger people were laughing.
"It is good that he find her, as I don't have to worry about him anymore." Nobara commented as she glanced down at the magazine that she was reading. Even though Natsume noticed that she has actually been looking at the same page for a while, he decided against pointing it out. In the same logic, he would not point out the fact that she was actually thinking about something completely different.
Sorinozuka would be with Chiyomi again, but because they would have a different future, the process would be very different. That would be a good thing, because the brief glimpse he had when he picked up Sorinozuka's book had been very depressing.
That young man was forced to live on when they were all gone, even though he did continue to live, he barely managed to hold himself together. Unlike the others who had a clear purpose of fighting for their present, he did not even know how to live in his present.
But a few days later, when Natsume picked up the book again, he was to receive a very pleasant surprise.
He saw the Sorinozuka in the alternative future with Chiyomi right beside him, while the others were all there as well. They were naturally all there because it was a special event, the most special one.
A wedding.
The wedding of Sorinozuka Renshou and Amano Chiyomi.
Author's Note: I actually had the idea for this story quite a long time ago, but I actually did not get to write this until recently. The idea of this story came due to Sorinozuka mentioning that he had other friends and a girlfriend, and even considered getting married and having children, only to realise that he was not able to let it go. I then have the idea of how there could have been a completely different side of him during these twenty odd years that we did not see at all. Despite him saying that he just probably much continued like this, I find that a bit hard to believe.
Therefore, I had the idea of how my OC can be his girlfriend during this time that the author did not show for us. I had the idea that she could show a very different side of him which the others do not see. Even though there was a stage where they point out that he seems to still think of their present as being that of their past, I thought that the others could be said to be guilty of the same thing, because none of them seemed to have specifically focused on his present, on what happened to him during these gap. They seemed to still think of him as being quite similar to the one that was in the past.
Initially, the OC was meant to be a futakuchi-onna. I don't know why, but after I had a look at the list of a possible Japanese monsters, that felt the one that was most likely, because I don't want her to have fighting abilities, as I want that to be a bond between her and Sorinzuka. However, when I wanted to work on this idea again, I did not feel that I could work with the idea. Therefore, I ended up looking at a list of the traditional youkai in Japanese folklore.
When I saw the story of the amarounagu, I really liked the idea but I thought that it might be a bit too much, because isn't this me suggesting that my OC is extremely beautiful? In addition, isn't the amarounagu more like a goddess then a youkai? However, I then decided that the idea could work due to the fact that they seduce men and kill them, so they seemed more akin to youkai. I was also hesitant in that this might make her a bit too much like Nobara, but I then decided that since I really like this idea, I should use it. I was looking at a list of popular Japanese name and seeing Amano, I thought that this was pretty much perfect. Her first name was much harder, but I then thought that Chiyomi sounds really nice and it is really suitable too, given that it means a thousand generation beauty, since she is an amarounagu.
It also took me a long time to come up with a profession for her family, as I didn't want to make her extremely wealthy. In the end, the current idea came and I decided that I could keep it.
Initially, Chiyomi was still going to be his girlfriend when he met everyone else, and it would be her that reproaches the others for not understand what Sorinozuka has gone through, as well as showing them that he is very different from what they thought of him as. She would be the one to show them his books. The idea of him being a writer and researcher of youkai was one of the first ideas I had, because I had the idea of he must have tried to cope and deal with this in his own way, and I can see that he would research about the folklores as a way of gaining information I like the idea of how he actually ended up being very different in regard to this aspect.
To be honest, I was not very happy with how he ended up being with Nobara in the manga (well, he asked her to marry him at the very end) because I never felt that they had any romantic feelings for one another. I feel that they had a very strong friendship between them, but not any romantic feeling. I actually really like the idea that they are two people with different gender that have a very strong friendship that has no romantic attachment. Throughout the story, I can see how important they are to one another, but I simply don't feel that there is any romantic feeling. Therefore, I was really surprised at the end.
At the end of the manga, there is a really nice scene where Natsume says that he see their future self in that alternative universe smiling and leaving aside the fact whether that future can exist, I really like how we then see these said people smiling. The final part of this story is me building on that scene with the event being his wedding. As for the actual present, I like to think that he meet Chiyomi and the two of them would end up being together again, only that it would be less angst.
In regard to the name, I decided that I am more used to describing the male characters by their last name, and the female characters by their first name. Kagerou is the exception. If I used his last name, I'd probably be thinking: "who is this guy?"
With this story, my focus is on how Sorinozuka lived during these twenty years when he was the only survivor. I think it is what Ririchiyo commented: he is actually really strong by being able to endure this.