The first time he saw her she was wearing white. He didn't know yet that she always wore white. White dress, white shirt, white sunglasses, white shoes, something. All she was to him then was the cute girl who worked at the same animal clinic he did. Of course, that's how things usually start out, isn't it? Had he known where the two of them would end up in six months time, he might have turned around and never came back to the animal clinic or the cute girl in the white dress. But, of course, he didn't know, he couldn't have known. This is how these things always go.
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It turned out they were both assigned to be dog walkers. Their assignment? Walk every single dog in that room three times. And there were lots of dogs. Dogs upon dogs upon dogs. By the time they finished walking every single dog a first time, it was already time to start on the second time. It was good exercise, at least. They would go in pairs, get two done at once. No need in forgoing all human contact, right? They came up with this idea on their first day together. He saw her crouched close to the ground in her white dress, rubbing Quirk behind the ears. She jumped a little bit when she heard him come in, pushing herself to her feet.
"Hi, sorry, I didn't see you. You must be the other dog walker. They told me there'd be a second." She smiled and extended a hand. "I'm Riley."
He smiled, lips pressed tightly together. She was even cuter up close. Plus, she had a nice voice. Pretty, he guessed. Had he known a better word at the time, he would have said lilting, or melodic. But it's okay. He had much more time to think of those two later, lying in bed at night and replaying conversations they'd had just an hour before. He took her hand and shook it, surprised at how firm her grip was.
"I'm Farkle."
-::-::-::-::-::-::-
The whole first week they spent getting to know each other. By Saturday, he knew her favorite Disney movie (Bambi), her favorite song (Can't Help Falling in Love), her favorite color (white - he used to think it was boring, but he was starting to see the appeal), and her favorite book (Little Women). It was dumb, he knew. He was enthralled, enchanted, enlightened. He knew it was dumb. He knew, but he was wrong. One week, he would argue with himself, you've known her for one week.
It wasn't dumb. It wasn't a passing fancy. He didn't know that yet. He didn't know how things were going to develop. He didn't know how every blessed day spent with this girl, this magnificent girl, was going to pull him further and further into the depths of her charm. He didn't know he'd fall in love. And if he knew how things would work out, he wouldn't want to know.
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Things changed for him the first time he went over to her house. It wasn't planned or anything. But they were just about ready to head home for the day, and Riley was telling him some animated story about her Uncle Shawn, waving her tea around and subsequently dumping it all over him.
"Oh my god, Farkle, I'm so sorry, are you okay?" She asked, trying to blot out the liquid with her hands. Farkle tried to ignore how his skin felt like it was being lit on fire just by her touch. He studied her face, the way she was biting her lip and furrowing her eyebrows like she was really worried about something so trivial as a stained shirt. He laughed.
"I'm fine," he said, "it's not even hot."
"But your shirt," she said, helplessly, and damn she looked cute.
"This old thing? Don't worry about it."
"Well, tell you what, my roommate is really good with this stuff. She makes a lot of home remedies. She can get this out in no time. You're giving me a ride there, anyway, it won't take more than ten minutes."
Farkle shrugged. More time with Riley couldn't hurt, right? They headed over to the car, and he listened as she retold her Uncle Shawn story. On the drive over, he let her plug in her phone. He didn't care what she played, as long as she sang along like she always did when he drove her home. She hated taking the bus, and it was on Farkle's way. Well, it wasn't, but he had wanted to help.
He pulled into her long, winding driveway. She lived in the most charming, little house. He'd asked her how on earth she could afford a house when Farkle could barely scrape enough money together for his apartment's rent. But apparently it was already paid off. Her grandmother had bought it as a little cottage to vacation at. They'd grown up in Philly, Riley in New York, but she'd decided she wanted to go somewhere warm, so she grabbed her best friend and moved to this house in California. It was exactly the kind of house a girl like Riley should live in. Warm and cozy. Something a dwarf or a gnome or a fairy might live in.
Farkle ran to the other side to open the car door for her. She smiled, pushing herself out. And then, instead of heading back in the car and leaving, he followed her inside. She stopped, grabbing two dead oranges from the orange tree she had growing in her yard. Farkle noticed her white dress had some grass stains on it. He wondered where she'd gotten them from. He thought that it must have been Buster, knocking her over.
"Hey, Maya?" Riley said, unlocking the door. Farkle peered around. Over in the corner was a girl with long, long blonde hair in a backbend on a yoga mat. There was rock music playing, AC/DC maybe? Farkle had always been more of a jazz fan. "Maya!" The girl - Maya, presumably - stood up from her backbend, seamlessly, turning off the music.
"Yeah?" She eyed Farkle up and down. "Is this the Farkle I've been hearing about?" Riley nodded, almost shyly. She'd told Maya about him? "What did you do to his shirt?"
"It's just tea. Can you get it out?"
"Come here, I can do it." Farkle followed Maya to their kitchen. "Hey, Riley," she called, sticking a bobby pin in her mouth and piling her hair on top of her head. "Do you know if Lucas is coming to dinner tomorrow night?" Riley poked her head in and Farkle smiled.
"As long as he can find a babysitter for his brother, why?"
"Lucas?" Farkle asked, raising an eyebrow.
"My boyfriend," Riley said, casually, almost off-handedly and Farkle wanted to curse the way his stomach sank at that word. "I've mentioned him before, haven't I?"
"Well, I'm making Cincinnati chili and it'll take all day to make if I have to make some for him, too." Maya leafed through the cabinets. Boyfriend. Come to think of it, she had mentioned him. Telling a story, talking about a movie she saw with him. He just hadn't realized, hadn't thought. On the walks with the dogs, it had felt like they were the only two in the entire world, and each passing name brought up by her was just a character in a book he would never need to read. "Take off your shirt."
"What? Oh." He pulled his white t-shirt over his head and handed it to her, all of sudden weirded out that he was shirtless in Riley's kitchen, but Maya didn't seem to care. "What are you putting on it?"
"Vinegar and water, nothing major." Farkle watched her spray his shirt and blot it with a hand towel. "Okay, should be ready in ten minutes." She turned to face him, arms crossed, and he could feel her sizing him up. "So…"
"Hm."
"The tea?"
"She was telling a story." Maya laughed, fondly.
"If you stick around long enough, you'll learn when to duck and cover."
"Yeah?" Farkle said. "How long have you been around?"
"Seventeen years." She blinked. Farkle's eyebrows shot up.
"Are you kidding? I haven't spoken to my childhood best friend since, well, childhood."
"Well, Riley and I aren't like most. God, we'd been through it all, just about. If it wasn't for her and her…. scrappiness, we wouldn't be friends today. I'd probably be lying in some trash heap without her."
"She's pretty something, huh?" Maya eyed him up and down and Farkle started to squirm. He'd have to be a lot more subtle from now on. Five minutes later, Farkle was on his way out the door, graciously turning down Riley's invitation to dinner. He'd just have to hide it until he could shake it. He could be her friend, just her friend. He hadn't realized by then. Just how deep he was in the whole thing. It wasn't the sort of thing that could be brushed off. And about six months later, this was going to break him. He just didn't know it yet.
-::-::-::-::-::-::-
How did he get lucky enough for her to come into his life? Farkle often wondered that while she was rubbing Samson under the chin or leaning out the window of his car, letting the sunlight stream through her hair. Every day with her was like this big gift. She was handing him miracles in the sound of her laugh and the light in her eyes everyday. And she didn't even know she was doing it. It seemed to him that everyone must feel that way when they were around her. She just exuded light. She was giving to him every day and she wasn't losing anything. She didn't even know she was doing it.
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"Hey, Farkle," Riley said one day, late September to him, changing the conversation. "I was wondering if you wanted to meet Lucas?" Farkle felt the color start to drain from his face. "He said he wanted to meet you."
"Why?" He asked. There was a long pause. Farkle listened to the birds singing. They were starting to fly south.
"He just said we should have you over for dinner some time. Since we're such good friends." Riley kicked a pebble a few feet away. "You don't have to go. I mean-"
"No, no. I'll go. Why not, right?" Riley smiled and squeezed his arm.
"Great! How's Friday?"
-::-::-::-::-::-::-
"Turn left," Riley instructed. Farkle fiddled with his keychain. Any second now, they'd be pulling into Lucas' driveway. Farkle hoped he was awful. Scum of the earth, deplorable and all together nasty. But then, he hoped he was wonderful, because he couldn't imagine Riley being with someone like that, someone who would make her clockwork, he opened Riley's door for her, then turned, surveying the house with his hands on his hips.
It was sweet. Small. Perched on a little hill. Little white paper balls lay all over the grass. He saw the door open and Lucas run out, waving to them and then bending down to pick up at least a dozen of those balls. Upon closer inspection, he wasn't ugly at all. Riley and Farkle trudged up the hill.
"Hey, babe," Lucas said, giving Riley a little peck on the cheek. Farkle looked away.
"What's with the, you know…" Riley said, gesturing to the paper clumps littering the lawn.
"Right, well, Jimmy wanted to have a snowball fight. Figured better this than another tantrum." Riley laughed and Farkle forced himself to meet Lucas' eyes. They were kind. Smiling. Farkle bit his lip and smiled back. "You must be the famous Farkle. Can't tell you how glad I am to finally meet you."
"Yeah, you too," Farkle lied. "Heard lots about you." Riley smiled at the both of them, seemingly oblivious to Farkle's inner turmoil. It was better that way. Complicated wasn't what Farkle was looking for at the moment.
Lucas sighed and Farkle could see his breath become a puff of smoke in the air. It was colder than he thought it was. "So, should we go in?"
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He learned more about Lucas than he wanted to know during dinner. Jimmy was his little brother who was seven, and he was watching him because his parents were on a mission trip for a few months. They were due back in three weeks time. "Hey, sure beats paying rent every day, you know?" Lucas had said, twirling the spaghetti around on his fork. This guy was like a walking Ken doll. Perfect in every way possible. No fatal flaw. By the time things wrapped up it was half past nine.
"I'll walk you out," Riley said to him.
"I would too, but I should get started on these dishes if I'm gonna get all the paper on the lawn. Nice meeting you, Farkle. I mean it. We should do this again soon." Farkle nodded, saying a goodbye and then turning his back, swiftly.
Outside, the crickets were chirping so loudly the whole street was vibrating with the sound. Riley rocked from the balls of her feet to the heels, back and forth. Bright white shoes, Farkle noted. She could never help herself. Riley looked at him, nervously. "So? What did - what did you think?" Farkle paused, looking down at her, and he couldn't help but smile.
"I really like him, Riley." The worst part was, he wasn't even lying.
-::-::-::-::-::-::-
Over the next two months, Farkle had four more dinners with Lucas and Riley, and he even hung out with Lucas alone. He had a good time, though he hated to admit it. Lucas was his friend, and not just by extension of Riley. A friend in its own right. And that made everything so much harder. Maya knew, he suspected. Actually, he was pretty sure she knew from the first day he met her, but she never said a thing to him about it. Still, it was comfortable to sit with her and know that she knew everything and still liked him.
One day, he came over, uninvited, which he'd started doing since he'd grown more comfortable with both Riley and Maya. Lucas and Riley were curled up on the couch, watching some rom com. Over in the corner, like always, Maya was in downward dog. Or upward dog? Or three-legged dog, maybe. One of those. She lifted her head at the sound of the front door being swung shut and smiled, plopping down on the yoga mat and patting the spot next to her.
"Come sit," she commanded. Farkle shrugged, obliging like he always did. "How ya doing, Farkle?" Maya asked him, leaning back on her hands.
"Good, I think."
"You think?"
"Well, y'know." He paused, listening to the distant voice of Adam Sandler romancing Jennifer Aniston. "Why are you always doing yoga? I don't think I've ever seen you in actual clothes."
Maya laughed. "I dunno, haven't you ever had a hobby before?"
"I guess. Maybe you're just on a whole different level than I am."
Maya hummed, noncommittally. "Maybe." She took a deep breath and Farkle turned his head and looked at her. "I used to be angry. All the time. Angry at my dad for leaving, my mom for being out of the picture half the time, angry at myself, too. And it started to feel like everything was like… I don't know, like an action movie, in a weird way. Everything was so loud, and I kept trying to make life go so fast. Everything was in extremes, no matter what it was. Then, Riley dragged me to some yoga class she thought I would like. And now, it's like whenever I do it, I don't have to think. I can just let all my thoughts run quiet, even just for a little. I think it's helped me slow down." She bit her lip, glancing over at him.
Farkle knew what she was doing. She was letting him in. He smiled at her, grabbing her hand and squeezing it. "I'm really glad I know you, Maya." He meant it, too. His job at the animal clinic had brought all these amazing people into his life. Riley, Maya, and even Lucas. Meeting Riley was quite possibly the best thing that could have ever happened to him. At least that's what he thought at the time.
Maya squeezed his hand back. "I guess you're not so bad, either."
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It all fell apart on Friday night, near the end of November. It wasn't supposed to end like that. It was never supposed to get that bad. He'd even had a whole plan laid out. It started when he was driving her home from the clinic, like he always did.
"Hey, do you, uh… do you wanna drive around a bit? I've got something I'd like to show you." Riley looked over, seemingly surprised.
"Uh, sure. Lucas and Maya are having movie night tonight so I've got time," Riley said. Farkle gulped at the sound of Lucas' name. Just by looking at him, Farkle knew he felt the same way about Riley. He was as crazy for her as Farkle was. And he was his friend. He hadn't wanted to hurt him. He hadn't wanted to hurt anyone. But Farkle just nodded, decidedly not thinking about Lucas. He noticed her white shirt.
"I love how you always wear white." Riley's eyebrows shot up.
"Yeah?"
"It's nice. Suits you. Think I like that color better now."
After about five minutes, he pulled up next to the bridge, his favorite bridge. He went and opened Riley's door for her, then leaned on the railing and waited for her to join him. "This is my favorite place to go, you know." He looked at her. "Just to think about…" He looked away. "Things." He felt the rain start to pelt his back. If he wasn't so wrapped up in his thoughts, he probably would've done the smart thing and gotten them both back into the car. But she just looked so beautiful, little droplets of rain starting to form in her hair. She was making no move to leave, either. He wanted to tell her everything. He wanted to pour his heart out to her.
"I love how you always wear white," he wanted to say again. "You're so beautiful that it - it hurts to look at you. When I see you smile at me, it feels like I'm being born again. When I drive you home everyday, it's not even on my way, I just love being with you. I love how you're unashamedly enthusiastic, and how you'll still watch Bambi over and over again no matter how much Maya makes fun of you about it. And when I was little, and they told me the Earth was moving, I never really believed it until I met you because every time you laugh I can feel it start to spin. Riley, I love you."
He wanted to say that to her. But he never got the chance. "Riley-" he'd started.
"Farkle," she said, looking down. "Please don't." It felt like his world was ripping apart, like he'd been shot in the stomach, like he'd lost everything that mattered. Because of course she knew. How could she not have known?
"Okay," he mumbled.
"I'm sorry," she said, and he could see that she was crying, even while it was raining, and he didn't understand why it was raining and not snowing, and he didn't understand why that was what he was thinking about.
"Don't be sorry." He stood there for a moment, looking at her.
"I'm gonna go. Maya can pick me up - I - I gotta go." He wanted to stop her, he wanted to tell her that she could catch pneumonia in this rain, but he didn't. He just watched her go, because she had to go. He couldn't hold her to him any longer. He stayed standing there, alone on his favorite bridge long after she had disappeared from his sight. It was only when he felt his legs start to go numb that he got back in his car and drove away, not even looking at her house as he passed it.
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He went in early to the clinic the next day and quit. He wanted to do it before she could. It was his fault, it should be his problem. He'd find a new job easy, it wouldn't be hard. He said goodbye to the dogs as quickly as he could, and then turned away and never came back.
-::-::-::-::-::-::-
He called Maya a couple days after it happened. He'd been ignoring all of Lucas' and Riley's calls, deleting their voicemails. But he hadn't heard anything from Maya.
"...Hello?" She'd said after the fourth ring.
"Hey."
"Um, do you… do you need something?"
"I just need to know. I need to know if you told her." He could hear Maya sigh over the phone.
"She knew." He didn't say anything. He suspected as much, but hearing it was different. "Farkle, she has a boyfriend."
"I know."
"She loves Lucas."
"I know." He had to bite his lip to keep from crying. God, he was so stupid. He should never had said anything.
"I'm really sorry." Maya paused. "Look, I gotta go. I hope everything works out for you, okay?" He heard the click signalling the end of their phone call. It was pretty clear, she was saying goodbye. He'd lost Riley, and he'd lost everyone.
-::-::-::-::-::-::-
A month later, and he was working some desk job at some company he didn't care about. He missed them. He missed all of them, but he'd screwed everything up. At least, he thought he did. And then, on the most ordinary Wednesday afternoon, Riley called him. He hadn't even checked caller ID, hadn't felt the need to. Maybe if he knew it was her, he never would have picked up.
"Hello?" He said, already bored with what he expected to be another business call.
"Farkle?" Oh god. He'd forgotten how much he'd missed her voice. "Are you there?"
"Yeah," he squeaked out. Farkle cleared his throat. "I'm here."
"Hey, it's um… it's Riley. I was just wondering, uh…" He could picture her tucking a strand of hair behind her ear like she did when she was nervous. "You said to me before that you had no one to spend Christmas with. I wanted to know if you would like to spend Christmas with us."
And then, though he had no idea why, Farkle replied, "yes."
-::-::-::-::-::-::-
Seeing her house again felt like coming home. He cradled the macaroni casserole he'd brought carefully in his arms, and after a deep breath, knocked on her door. After a moment, it swung open.
"Hey! Farkle!" Maya gave him a quick hug, careful not to bump the casserole. "Come on in, dinner will be ready in a bit if I can manage to scrape it together in time. You can just set the casserole on the table." Farkle felt his throat constrict at how nice it was to be greeted by a friendly face. He hadn't realized how lonely he'd been the past couple of weeks.
And then he saw her. Sitting next to Lucas, smiling shyly up at him. "Hi, Farkle… How've you been?"
He shrugged. "Y'know." God, he missed her so much, he could scream. But he just sat down across from her at the table and took a sip from the mug he'd gotten Maya for her birthday.
"Hey, man," Lucas said. "It's good to see you." And Farkle could tell he meant it, which made him feel so much more guilty. And judging by the look of pity in Lucas' eyes, he knew, which was to be expected. Riley pushed herself up out of her chair.
"I'm gonna go get some drinks." Less than a minute later, she came back with bottles of his favorite brand of root beer. She still remembered. Farkle noticed her long purple dress.
"You're not wearing white."
She shrugged. "Guess I needed a change." She sat back down, and Farkle wanted to punch himself for making things awkward. Well, it was going to be awkward no matter what he did, he supposed. "You quit the clinic," she said, looking straight at him.
"Oh, uh, new opportunity sprung up."
"Oh… Lonely there without you." Farkle looked away. Why did he come? This was hard. This was too hard. He saw Lucas squeeze her shoulder and then he heard her laugh, the one that he'd missed, the one that he didn't get to hear. He couldn't take it. He couldn't take being there with them and pretending everything was normal. Nothing was normal. He pushed himself out of his chair and listen to the chair's legs screech against the tile. Maya came out holding a pot of what looked like spaghetti.
"Farkle?"
"I'm sorry, I think I'm gonna go. Keep the dish, I don't need it. Merry Christmas, everybody, thanks for the invitation." He didn't even stop to look at their faces, just turned and speed-walked out the door.
"Farkle!" He heard Riley call behind him. He turned around, shaking the falling snow out of his eyes, to see her standing in the doorway, hugging herself to fend off the cold. "You don't have to go."
He gave her a smile, and it felt like the hardest thing he'd ever had to do. "Merry Christmas, Riley." Then, he turned away, letting the tears sting his eyes. He heard her call his name a few more times but he didn't turn around. He didn't even look at her.
-::-::-::-::-::-::-
He sat in his car for a really long time. He watched his phone buzz with a call from Maya, but he ignored it, and just let the voicemail play. "Farkle, come back. It's Christmas. You don't deserve to be alone. I promise, none of us are going to ask any questions, we just want you with us." He bit his lip. He could try, for Maya. He could make it through one dinner.
So, he decided to go back in. But he never did, because he looked through the window. They were happy. Riley and Lucas gave each other a quick kiss and then Lucas laughed at something Maya said. They were like this little family and he was never a part of that. They could get on just fine without him. None of them needed him. And Farkle smiled, a real, genuine smile, because Riley was where she belonged, and so was Maya, and so was Lucas. They were happy, really happy.
So Farkle turned away and never came back to the boy with the little brother, the girl who did yoga, the dogs, and the girl in the white dress.