World Spins Madly On
A/N: Basically what the summary says. I honestly have no idea where this came from, but it turned out better than I thought :)
Oh, and quick question, which story do you want me to update next? I have so many ideas for all of them rushing through my brain and I'm trying to figure out which ones to put to paper first. SEASON TWO STARTS TUESDAY! :D
Lux knew that after getting married, Cate and Ryan would want to start their own family. It was natural, and Ryan made no effort to hide the fact that he wanted a baby. Cate had been subtle at first in asking Lux how she felt about it; inserting little snippets into everyday conversation such as "Did you ever have any brothers or sisters when you were in foster care?" or cooing over someone else's baby.
It didn't take long for Lux to catch on, and despite her feelings, she gave subtle agreeing hints back. So it was no surprise when Cate and Ryan sat her down on the couch one night and told her Cate was pregnant. Sure, it was only a month after their honeymoon and it wasn't planned, but Cate and Ryan seemed ecstatic and Lux couldn't bring herself to ruin that. So instead she pasted on a smile and laughed and joked with them about names and genders and diapers, pushing away her own feelings to accommodate for her mom's.
To be honest, Lux felt rejected. When the new baby came, Cate and Ryan would have their own family and Lux would be the resented mistake. They would send her off to college and forget about her and she would only see them on holidays where they would make awkward small talk and pretend like they cared about her life.
Lux would never let Cate know that however, so she reluctantly agreed to indulge Cate's sudden maternal nesting by going baby shopping with her.
"Look at these!" Cate exclaimed, holding up the pink and blue onesies she spotted. "How cute are these?"
Lux smirked slightly amused and crossed the shop to join Cate. She had to agree, they did look cute, and Lux liked seeing her mom so excited. She frowned slightly, realizing Cate had never done this for herself. She had never shopped for baby clothes, or cribs, or changing tables, and she had never gotten excited about Lux's impending arrival.
"They're cute." Lux acknowledged, though Cate wasn't really paying attention as the other items around her caught her eye.
By the end of the shopping trip, Lux was balancing multiple bags of baby clothes and toys on her arms and Cate's credit card had had quite a work out. Despite her jealously, Lux couldn't help but find Cate's excitement slightly amusing. She was only fourteen weeks along and she had already bought hundreds of dollars worth of baby gear.
"So I was thinking maybe Grace for a girl, and Henry if it's a boy. Ryan likes Amber and Ruby for girls, and Jasper for a boy, but I'm not naming my kids after stones. Plus I was thinking I'd like to go with a more common name." Lux wasn't really listening, just nodding and agreeing as Cate drove. "Not that I don't like uncommon names, because I do, but it's hard to find something that won't clash when we have anoth-"
Cate stopped midsentence and Lux tore herself back to reality, turning to face her mom who had moved a hand to her stomach, her face pale. "Cate? Are you okay? What's wrong?"
Cate nodded and forced a smile though it was clear she was worried. "I'm fine." Cate tried to convince herself as well as Lux.
Lux didn't buy it and the fact that every few minutes, Cate's face crumbled a little and her hand rubbed her flat stomach didn't help.
When they pulled up at the house, Cate basically jumped out of the car and ran to the front door, leaving Lux watching her worriedly. "I'm just going to go to the bathroom real quick. Leave the bags. I'll get them in a minute."
Lux ignored her comment and watched as Cate basically ran inside the house. She grabbed the bags and locked the car, following quickly. She dropped the bags on Cate's bed before heading to the kitchen and getting a drink, her eyes staring at the clock.
After five minutes had passed, Lux was officially freaking out and she hesitantly walked over to the bathroom door, knocking gently. "Cate? Are you okay?"
It took a few moments but the door was finally opened and Cate shook her head, her eyes glassy and her face pale as she struggled to hold herself together. "I need to go to the hospital." She whispered.
Lux was frozen for a few seconds but eventually nodded, placing a hand on Cate's back and leading her shaking mom to the door. Lux didn't know what to do; she was freaking out; Cate was the strong one, the one she was meant to look to when she needed guidance. But Cate was barely holding it together for herself, let alone for Lux.
Lux grabbed Cate's bag and handed it to her before pulling out her cell phone from her back pocket and speed dialling Ryan. She swore under her breath when he didn't answer, and thought for a minute before calling Baze, letting out a relieved sigh when he answered.
"Hey, kiddo."
Lux's eyes filled with relieved tears, leaning back against the wall shakily. "Can you meet us at the hospital?"
"What? Are you okay?" Baze's voice was full of concern, and Lux could practically hear him running to his truck.
Lux nodded, squeezing her eyes shut against the swelling tears. "It's Cate." She whispered.
"The baby?" Baze's tone held both concern and pain at the question, but he didn't need to hear Lux's answer to know. "Which hospital, Lux?"
"I don't know." Lux whispered, suddenly realizing she had no idea what to do.
Baze remained calm, reassuring his daughter gently. "Adventist is the closest. I'll meet you there."
"Baze..."
Baze knew that Lux was scared. "It's going to be okay, Lux."
Lux seemed to buy it and nodded to herself, trusting her dad's words. "Okay."
Baze couldn't help but smile to himself, proud of his daughter. "Drive safe. I'll meet you there."
Lux hung up her phone without another word as she locked the front door and ran to the car. Cate was already waiting in the passenger's seat, and Lux drew in a shaky breath. Cate hated when she drove. She only had her learner's permit and Cate hated the thought of Lux behind the wheel. If she was voluntarily letting Lux drive, it must be serious.
Lux made it to the hospital in record time, and Cate didn't even protest when she ran a few red lights. But that could be due to the fact that she was concentrating more on the body-racking pain radiating from her stomach rather than the road.
Cate was physically shaking as Lux helped her sit down in the emergency waiting room before running over to the nurse at Admin.
"My mom needs to see a doctor." Lux tapped her fingers nervously on the desk, splitting her attention between the nurse and Cate.
The nurse barely looked up, following usual procedure. "Fill these out and a doctor will see you soon."
"No, you don't get it. She's pregnant and she's in a lot of pain."
"Have a seat and a doctor will see you as soon as they can."
Lux gritted her teeth to avoid making a scene, yanking the clipboard and forms from the nurse and heading back over to Cate.
Cate looked up questioning as Lux sat down beside her. "The nurse said it won't be long." So she twisted the nurse's words a little, at least it gave Cate a small amount of reassurance.
Cate nodded slowly to herself and Lux frowned concerned before quickly filling out as much information on the forms as she could. The information she put must have been enough for the nurse to take her seriously as a different nurse called Cate's name a few minutes after Lux handed them in.
Lux watched her mom nervously as they were lead into an exam room, Cate sitting shakily on the bed after changing into the hospital gown as Lux stood beside her.
"Can you tell me what brought you here today?" The nurse asked gently, smiling reassuringly. "You've stated that you're pregnant?"
Cate nodded slowly, trying to find her voice. "I-uh, there was some spotting, and I've been cramping."
The nurse nodded, writing what Cate said down on the chart. Lux squeezed Cate's hand, and Cate turned to her, Lux smiling back reassuringly.
"How long have you had these symptoms?"
Cate shrugged shakily. "I only just noticed them."
The nurse nodded, looking up at Cate. "How severe is the spotting?"
Cate shrugged, unable to answer as her chin quivered.
"Okay." The nurse smiled at her reassuringly. "I'm going to have a doctor come in and take a look, alright?"
Cate nodded and laid her head back on the pillow, turning to look at Lux. Lux was petrified but she forced her feelings aside and pasted on a reassuring smile, nodding. "It's going to be okay." She whispered.
Cate nodded shakily, and Lux knew it was only for her benefit. "Ryan?" She whispered.
Lux nodded, her smile remaining. "I called him. He's on his way." Technically she hadn't been able to get a hold of him, but she left a message and Lux knew he would be there the second he got it.
Cate nodded again, turning her head back so that she was staring at the ceiling. Lux simply stood next to the bed, not sure what to do.
The door opening brought them both out of their thoughts and they turned to the doctor. "Hi, Cate." The doctor smiled at her, taking a seat on the stool in front of the bed and putting on her gloves. "I'm Dr. Lewis. I'm going to take a quick look to see what's going on, okay?"
Cate nodded and lifted her legs to the stirrups, blushing slightly at the thought of Lux being there. Lux didn't seemed fazed however, and kept her eyes locked with Cate's.
Lux held her breath subconsciously as she saw Dr. Lewis frown and sigh gently before taking off her gloves and telling Cate to take her legs down.
Dr. Lewis sighed, looking at Cate apologetically. "There's a little bit more bleeding than I expected... and the cervix is open."
If possible, Cate paled a little more. "W-What does that mean?"
Dr. Lewis sighed sympathetically. "With the cervix open, you can't maintain a pregnancy. I'm sorry."
Lux gripped tightly onto Cate's hand, watching her mom nervously. Cate took a few seconds to process what she had just been told before her face crumbled and she pulled her hand away from Lux, covering her face with her hands as she began to cry.
Lux's eyes grew wide and she instinctively backed a few steps away from the bed. Dr. Lewis frowned sympathetically, talking to both Cate and Lux, hoping one of them was paying attention. "I'll need to do a dilatation and curettage to make sure there is no excess tissue. I'll have a nurse schedule it for this afternoon. If all goes well, you should be able to go home tonight."
Lux nodded slowly, though her attention remained on Cate. "Is there anyone I can call for you?" Dr. Lewis asked Lux, noticing how scared she looked.
Lux shook her head slowly. "My dad's on his way." She didn't even think to mention Ryan.
Dr. Lewis nodded and turned to Cate. "I'm very sorry for your loss. I'll have a nurse come and move you to gynaecology."
Lux nodded a thank you and watched as the doctor left the room before slowly turning to Cate. The brunette had turned on her side to face away from Lux, curling herself up in the bed as she cried.
"Cate?" Lux's voice was barely a whisper.
Cate didn't reply and Lux didn't know what to do. "I'm going to go see if Ryan's here yet." Lux desperately needed to get out of that room. "Are you going to be okay?"
Again, Cate didn't reply and Lux debated what to do before she quickly slipped out of the room, leaving Cate alone.
Lux barely made it out of the room before she began to panic, uncontrollable and overwhelming feelings racking her. She leant back against the wall and tried to calm herself as she tried to decide what to do.
She had no idea how to act. She sucked at comforting people in general, but the resented mistake baby from high school comforting her mom who had just lost a baby she actually wanted probably wasn't the greatest idea.
Lux couldn't help but feel guilty. Deep down, she hated the idea of Cate having a baby, and now said baby was dead. How selfish could she be?
Lux swallowed the lump in her throat and took a few breaths to calm herself before pulling her phone out of her pocket and slowly walking towards the waiting room. She spotted him instantly, relief washing over her.
"Baze." Lux sighed relieved, ending the call before basically running across the waiting room and jumping into her dad's awaiting arms.
Baze hugged her back tightly, cupping the back of her head as Lux buried her face into his chest. Baze kissed the top of Lux's head comfortingly before pulling back, concern covering his face as Lux tried to gather herself.
"Hey..." Baze rubbed Lux's arms reassuringly. "What happened? Where's Cate?"
Before Lux could answer, both she and Baze turned their attention to Ryan as he raced through the entrance.
"Lux!" Ryan was clearly panicking as he ran to Lux. "Where's Cate? Is she okay?"
Lux instinctively leaned closer to Baze as she shook her head, her eyes glassy. She nodded towards the room they had been in, folding her arms across herself protectively. "She's in exam room 3."
Ryan nodded a thank you and forced a quick smile, brushing his hand down Lux's arm quickly before he made his way over to the admin nurse.
"Are you okay?" Baze was genuinely concerned. He had never seen Lux like this before and it scared the hell out of him.
Lux nodded slowly, resting against Baze as he wrapped an arm around her. "Yeah..." She breathed.
"Cate?"
"I-uh, I don't really know. We were shopping and she had some pain, apparently she was bleeding or something. The doctor said she lost the baby."
Overwhelming concern flashed through Baze as he stood in shock, not knowing how to act. He was angry; of course not at Cate, but at the whole situation; and he wanted nothing more than to comfort the woman he loved. Instead he settled for his daughter.
Ryan could swear the nurse was deliberately walking slowly, despite the fact that she was almost power-walking. She frowned sympathetically at Ryan when they arrived at the room, and Ryan couldn't help but panic more. "Your wife will be moved up to Gynaecology when a bed becomes available. I'll leave you alone."
Ryan hesitated before opening the door, his heart breaking at the sight of his wife curled up on the bed crying.
"Cate..."
"I lost the baby." Cate mumbled shakily, her lip quivering as she avoided Ryan's concerned stare.
Ryan's jaw tightened and he ran an angry hand through his hair as his eyes filled with tears. Cate let out a sob at Ryan's reaction and covered her face with her hands, beginning to cry again.
Ryan instantly forgot his own feelings and was at Cate's side a second later, drawing his wife into his arms and gripping her tightly as his own tears slipped out. Cate clung to him desperately, sobs racking her body as she cried into his chest.
"I'm sorry." Cate sobbed into his chest repeatedly. "I'm so sorry."
Ryan's heart broke a little more and he pulled back from Cate enough to look at her. "It's not your fault."
Cate nodded, ignoring him. "It was. I lost it. I don't know what happened. Everything was fine and then... I'm so sorry."
"Cate..." Ryan pulled her back into his arms as she began to sob again, kissing her head lovingly. "Sweetheart, you did nothing room. It just happened."
Cate didn't reply, both lost in their own thoughts as they cried. Eventually their tears dried up and Cate lay in Ryan's arms, completely numb.
She didn't even look up as a nurse came in and explained they were moving her upstairs. Ryan followed as they pushed Cate towards the elevator, stopping only briefly when he saw Lux and Baze in the waiting room.
Lux and Baze both stood up as Ryan approached them, and it was clear both daughter and stepdad had been crying. "They're, uh, they're moving her upstairs to do the procedure." Ryan's voice cracked and it was obvious he was struggling to keep it together.
"Is she okay?" Lux struggled to find words but Baze knew what she was going to ask.
Ryan ran a hand through his hair, shrugging shakily in response. Lux nodded slowly, not knowing what to say. She hesitantly approached him and gently wrapped her arms around him, relieved when he hugged her back and sighed into her shoulder.
After a few minutes, Ryan pulled back and smiled half-heartedly at Lux. "You should head home. I'll call you once it's over."
Lux looked hesitant but nodded. She hated hospitals, and she honestly didn't know how to react to the whole situation.
Ryan turned back slowly towards the elevators, turning back around when Lux spoke.
"Ryan... I'm so sorry." Ryan's face crumbled at the reminder and he nodded before walking off.
Baze looked down at Lux concerned, wrapping an arm around Lux's shoulder and leading her towards the exit. "Let's go home."
Lux was quiet the entire ride to the bar, ignoring Baze when he asked if she wanted anything. He was officially worried when she asked him to answer the call from Ryan, rather than doing it herself and went to sit outside on the balcony.
Cate was okay, Ryan assured, and he would be able to take her home in a few hours. Baze said he would ask Lux what she wanted to do, whether she wanted to stay with him or go home and be with Cate for the night.
Baze slowly made his way outside, grabbing a blanket off of the couch before he did. Lux barely looked up as he sat beside her, but instinctively shifted closer to him, both for warmth and comfort, as he wrapped the blanket around the both of them.
"Cate's okay." He started, watching Lux for any reaction. "She can go home tonight."
Lux nodded slowly but it was more to let Baze know she heard him rather than the fact that she was relieved.
Baze watched her for a few more minutes in silence before nudging her casually and smiling when she looked up at him. "What's going through your head?"
Lux shrugged half-heartedly but Baze didn't buy it, staring at her until she finally gave in. "I didn't want Cate to lose the baby." She whispered.
Baze frowned concerned, his words true. "No one did, Lux. It just happened."
Lux shook her head, lost in her own world as her voice remained emotionless. "I just didn't want there to be a baby in the first place. I was selfish. I didn't want her to have a real family and forget about me. I didn't want to hurt her."
"Lux..." Baze didn't know how to take Lux's words. "What are you talking about? It wasn't your fault."
Lux nodded, continuing to stare as her eyes filled with tears. "It was. I kept hoping something would happen. I didn't want Cate to replace me. I know she didn't want me but she really wanted this baby. I prayed so hard, and now... She lost the baby and I'm still here. It's my fault."
It suddenly hit Baze why Lux had been so different over the last few weeks. It never occurred to him, and he assumed Cate as well, that Lux would feel that way.
"Hey..." Baze gently lifted Lux's chin to force her to look at him. "It's not your fault, okay? You did nothing wrong; there's nothing wrong with being scared. There's no way you could have known this would happen, and I know you. I know you would never hurt anyone intentionally, especially your mom."
Lux's face crumbled as she took in what Baze had said and she nodded slowly, beginning to cry as Baze wrapped an arm around her and pulled him towards himself.
Baze waited until she was calmer before speaking again, making no movement to pull away. "Have you told Cate you felt this way?" Lux shook her head in response, resting against her dad's shoulder. "You have to tell her, Lux."
Lux pulled away horrified, shaking her head furiously. "No way. She'll hate me."
"She won't hate you, kiddo. She would never hate you, but she needs to know."
Lux didn't reply, taking it into consideration as she leant back into Baze's embrace. Somehow he managed to convince her the next day, using the fact that he'd let her have the day off school as a bribe.
"You know you can call me any time, right? Or just show up, I don't care."
Lux smiled slightly at Baze's concern, nodding before reaching over to hug him goodbye. "Are you picking me up in the morning?"
"You bet." Lux smiled, but Baze could see how nervous she was. "It's going to be fine."
Lux took a deep breath and nodded, forcing a small smile before getting out of the car and grabbing her overnight bag from the back seat.
Lux shot one final glance at Baze as she approached the front door, and Baze smiled back reassuringly before driving off.
Lux hesitated before walking inside, placing her bag by the door before nervously shuffling inside the house. It was quieter than usual. Usually you could hear Cate and Ryan talking or laughing or arguing from the kitchen, and the radio or TV or some kind of music was often on in the background. Now it was just silent.
Lux stepped into the kitchen and hesitated by the entrance once she spotted Ryan sitting at the table and reading over something. "Hey."
Ryan looked up at the sound, taking in Lux's arrival for the first time. He looked like crap; his eyes were bloodshot with dark bags and it was clear he hadn't slept, but he forced a small smile nonetheless. "Hey. When did you get home?"
"Baze just left." She smiled awkwardly as she sat in the chair beside his, pausing before continuing. "Where's Cate?"
Ryan frowned, his smile disappearing. "She's resting." He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose tiredly. "She's not doing too well."
Lux nodded. She figured as much. "And you?"
Ryan sighed, looking at Lux. "I've been better."
Lux nodded, once again feeling guilty. "I'm really sorry, Ryan." She said after a few moments of silence.
Ryan smiled sadly, placing a hand on her shoulder as he stood up to get himself a drink. "Maybe you could go see how your mom is." He suggested. "You might make her feel better."
Lux doubted that but agreed nonetheless, willing to do anything to help them feel better. Lux grew more and more nervous as she approached Cate's room, hesitating before gently knocking on the closed door.
When Cate didn't reply, Lux pushed the door open and quietly looked in. Cate was curled up in bed, not sleeping but lost in her own world.
"Cate?"
Cate looked up slowly and tried to force a smile although it came out as more of a grimace. She slowly sat up in bed and Lux followed her lead, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.
"How are you feeling?" Lux mentally hit herself the second the words escaped her mouth.
Cate shakily shrugged off the question, knowing the second she started talking about it, she would start crying again. Instead she took a hold of one of Lux's hands, stroking a few of the digits tenderly but Lux could tell she was simply trying to distract herself.
"How was school?" Cate's voice was thick with tears and it was barely louder than a whisper.
Lux decided whether or not to lie, knowing Cate would be pissed she skipped school even if the reason was legit. She decided against it; if she could get Cate to feel something, it would be better than having her numb. "I didn't feel well so Baze kept me home."
"Are you okay?" Cate frowned, instinctively feeling Lux's forehead to see if she had a fever.
Lux couldn't help but let a small smile slip through at her mom's concern. "Yeah, just a headache."
Cate nodded slowly, accepting the answer. The silence overcame them again, both women lost in their own thoughts. After a few moments, Lux looked up at Cate and noticed she was once again bordering tears. Lux couldn't help it, her eyes filling with tears as guilt racked her body.
"Cate, I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me."
Cate looked up at the last few words, frowning confused as she watched Lux struggle to hold back tears. "Lux... I could never hate you. Why would you even think that?"
Lux lost her battle, vulnerable tears slipping down her cheek as she avoided Cate's worried glance. "Because you lost the baby and I'm still here."
"Lux..." Cate couldn't help but worry; she had no idea what Lux was talking about. "I don't understand. What are you talking about?"
"You wanted the baby and you lost it. But you never wanted me and I survived." Lux voice shook as the guilt finally got to be too much and she began to cry. "You should hate me."
"Lux..." Cate felt terrible that Lux could even think that. "Sweetheart, listen to me. I love you. I love you so much and it kills me that you could even think that." She paused, trying to keep herself from breaking down. "Yes, when I was sixteen, I didn't want a kid. But you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I need you to know that."
Lux began to cry harder as Cate kissed her cheek and wrapped her arms around her. She whispered soothing things into her hair until Lux finally calmed and pulled back.
Cate wiped away the teenager's tears before cupping Lux's cheek and forcing the blonde to make eye contact. "Listen to me, okay? Yes, I wanted this baby, but that doesn't mean that I have ever regretted having you. I'm so sorry if I ever made you feel that way."
Lux nodded slowly, trying to believe what Cate was saying. Cate sighed, wrapping her arms back around Lux although it was more for her own sake then for the blonde's. "Come here."
Lux leaned back into the embrace, sighing shakily into Cate's shoulder before pulling back. "I really am sorry."
Cate forced a broken smile, placing a pillow in her lap. Lux followed her cue, lying down and allowing Cate to play with her hair. "I know." Cate breathed. "Me too."
"Are you going to try again?"
Cate stopped the motion for a second, glancing down at Lux. "Eventually... But right now I've got you."