CHEERS
Late at night. Everyone - except Sam, of course - has headed home, even Carla. Everyone that is, except Norm.
Sam flicks off the lights.
Norm: Guess that's my cue to leave
(He reluctantly hoists himself up off the bar stool and starts towards the door.)
See you tomorrow, Sammy.
Sam: Hey, Norm, can I talk to you for a few?
Norm: Stop me from going home to Vera? This better be good. Actually, it doesn't have to be good. It can be terrible. And if you give me a free beer, you can tell me I'm dying.
(He happily returns to his bar stool.)
I've been wanting to ask you what's up anyway. You seem kind of down in the dumps lately.
Sam: (coming around behind the bar - he pours Norm a draft) Well, that's what I've wanted to talk about. The reason I've been out of sorts lately because I haven't slept all week.
Norm: (pumping his fist) Sam-mee!
Sam: Not that kind of not sleeping, unfortunately.
Norm: Jeez, Sammy, this sounds serious. What's wrong?
(Even though the bar is empty, Sam looks around nervously as though someone might overhear him.)
Sam: (taking a stool seat behind the bar) I keep having these horrible nightmares. (shivers) There's this grotesque thing - the scariest, most chilling, most dreadful thing you've ever seen in your life - and it won't leave me alone.
Norm: Like a monster? Some kind of serial killer?
Sam: Worse than that.
Norm: Oh no. You're dreaming about Diane?!
(Sam nods shamefully.)
Sam: At first I thought maybe I'd eaten something bad or had the flu. But then it just kept going on and on… and I started to think about it more. And now I'm pretty sure I have an incurable disease.
Norm: (genuinely concerned) Cancer?
Sam: Regret, Norm. Regret.
Norm: Oh oh.
Sam: (Sam leans into the bar, his voice getting even more subdued) Here's the thing. When she said she was coming back I knew damn well she wasn't. She never really wanted to be with me, here in a bar. I knew as soon as she got out with other people who were like her she'd start to forget about me.
Norm: Didn't you two ever talk after she left?
Sam: (shrugs) At first she tried to keep up the pretense that she was coming back, but little by little, she called me less and less - and even when she did call she was distracted with other things. One time she didn't call for something like a month - and that's when I started looking at other women…. and then …
(Sam leans back and sighs.)
Norm: Well, Sammy, to be honest - you never really seemed like you wanted to marry her.
Sam: Are you kidding me?! I bought that woman TWO diamond rings. I bought her a house. Norm, I sat there and picked out china patterns. China patterns! Why does china even need a pattern?! You cover it with food!
Norm: Sammy, I'm just saying. I was at the wedding. It seemed like you were pushing her out the door.
Sam: (Sam holds his head for a moment) Maybe I was. But I knew if she stayed and never got successful, she'd blame the whole thing on me. It's crazy, Norm, I haven't thought much about her these past few years - and then all of a sudden these nightmares started up. There she is, lips flapping in my ear, refusing to shut up. And you know what's even crazier? I wake up and then I want to go back to sleep so I can see her again.
Norm: Well, I never quite understood it. Don't get me wrong, I like Diane. But … you two never made much sense.
Sam: Aw, come on. We weren't that bad.
Norm: Sammy, more people took bets on your wedding than the Belmont Stakes.
(Sam he leans into the bar again, his face mere inches from Norm.)
Sam: Norm, I've never told anyone this before, and I swear to god if you breathe a word of it to anyone, even Cliff, especially Cliff, I'll do worse than kill you… I'll ban you from Cheers for life.
Norm: (nervously) What is it?
Sam: (embarrassed but driven to get this off his chest) When I was with Diane I didn't even think about other women. She drove me insane half of the time... but the other half… she made me feel like I had a reason for being on this planet.
Norm: Woah, Sammy, when you find something that makes you feel like that, you've got to hold on to it. I should know. It was 20 years ago I found my true love and nothing, I mean, nothing was going to get in the way of it.
Sam: (grinning) Deep down, you really do love Vera, don't you?
Norm: Vera? I was talking about beer. (indicating his half-empty mug) Top me off, big guy.
Sam: Norm, you know what it's like to have had thousands of women lust after you in your life?
Norm: You saying this just to embarrass me or something?
Sam: (gives a little laugh) No, what I mean is … and only one loved you. That's what I meant.
(Suddenly Norm looks sad for Sam.)
Norm: Well… it's still hard to feel sorry for you, Sammy, but I get what you're saying.
(Sam suddenly slaps his forehead.)
Sam: Damn. How could I have been so stupid? I completely blew it.
Norm: Sammy, look, it's never too late - not until you're dead and last I checked, you were still breathing. Are you going to wait until Diane's on her deathbed?
Sam: Ugh, the amount of times I fantasized about PUTTING that woman on her deathbed. You have no idea.
Norm: I had a front row seat here through the whole thing. I have some idea, believe me.
Sam: You know what it's like to finally get up the nerve to tell a woman who constantly puts you down that you want to spend the rest of your life with her - to tell her everything you've been too scared to say for years - and she looks you in the eye and rejects you?
Norm: That's me and Vera every night. Well, only the last two words.
(He indicates his pint again and Sam fills it.)
But Sammy, I thought you forgave her for that. You asked her to marry you again. And again. And I think there was another one in there somewhere.
Sam: Yeah, I don't think I ever got over it though. Once I knew she was capable of that -
Norm: Sammy, to cut Diane some slack, you WERE dating someone right before you asked her. Did you ever think how that made her feel?
Sam: Eh, she knew that meant nothing to me.
Norm: How would she know that? Look, you were both experts at hurting each other. Maybe it's just time to call it even.
Sam: Maybe you're right. What the hell am I gonna do?
Norm: Sam, you have GOT to get on that phone and call her.
Sam: I can't. I tossed her number out long ago. Actually ripped it up and chucked it off a boat.
Norm: That's okay.
(Norm reaches deep into his pocket, pulls out his wallet and opens it. From there, he carefully takes out a fold of paper.)
(He opens the paper and hands it to Sam.)
Sam: What the hell? Is this really her number?
Norm: Yep.
Sam: What are you doing with this?
Norm: I've got to tell you something and don't kill me, okay? About a week after you two did whatever you did after the wedding ceremony - we all thought Diane left. Well, I came to the bar, and as I was walking in, I saw her. Just standing there. She was staring in the window but wouldn't walk down.
Sam: What?
Norm: Yeah, and when she turned around, it was obvious she'd been crying.
Sam: When was this?!
Norm: Right after you left to sail around the world. I had to tell her you'd gone.
Sam: Oh my god, why didn't you ever tell me this?
Norm: I thought you didn't want her. That's what you were telling everyone.
(pause)
Anyway, she gave me her number and told me to keep in touch.
Sam: And you've just been carrying this thing around?
Norm: Hey, she said keep in touch! I was getting around to it… besides, I figured one day you might want it and I didn't want to lose it. (pointing to the phone) Sammy, call the woman.
Sam: What time is it there?
Norm: Three hours earlier. Damn, that means I'm behind on beers. Pour me a head there, will ya.
Sam: I can't believe I'm about to do this.
Norm: Nah, come on, Sammy, you've poured me a head millions of times.
Sam: Norm! Can we focus here? Should I call?
Norm: Do it, Sammy. I'm not leaving until you do. Ah, who am I kidding? Call, don't call - the beer's flowing and I'm not leaving.
Sam: All right, I'm gonna do it. Is this the craziest thing I've ever done?
Norm: Not by a long shot.
Sam: All right, man, here I go.
(Sam dials, listens for a second, then quickly hangs up. Norm looks at him, surprised.)
Sam: Some guy picked up the phone.
Norm: Are you sure you dialed the right number?
Sam: I'm sure... I'm pretty sure.
Norm: Sammy, you didn't even ask for her.
Sam: This is ridiculous. She's got to be married with five kids by now.
Norm: Maybe not. Maybe she's sitting there regretting this whole thing just like you are.
Sam: Then who was that guy?
Norm: I don't know? Pool boy? Doesn't everyone get one of those out there?
(Sam stands there staring at the phone.)
Come on. At least ask for her.
(Sam takes a deep breath and once more picks up and dials.)
Sam: Hi, uh, is Diane there? Uh huh. No, no message, thanks.
(He hangs up again.)
She's in the shower. (slightly angry) Well, what do you have to say now, pal?
Norm: (shrugs) Gay dog walker?
Sam: Husband, Norm. That was her husband!
Norm: Did he SAY that?
Sam: I know Diane. She's not taking a shower with some guy there unless it's serious. Gah! I am so SICK of that woman!
Norm: Sorry, Sammy.
Sam: And you know what? (he throws the paper with Diane's number on it in front of Norm) Take this thing and tear it up. Never mind. (he grabs it back) I'm gonna do something better.
(Sam reaches under the bar and grabs a lighter. He lights the paper on fire, watches it burn for a moment, and then dumps it into a glass.)
Sam: Goodbye, Diane Chambers. And stay the hell out of my dreams, you babbling lunatic!
LOS ANGELES. DIANE'S APARTMENT.
(Diane comes out of the bathroom, dressed, but her hair still wet. She's drying with a towel.)
KITCHEN
Diane: Reed, did I hear the phone ring?
(REED: Dark-haired man, '40s, looks up from where he's reading a newspaper at the kitchen island.)
Reed: Oh, ah, yeah. Some guy. He hung up.
Diane: (putting down the towel) Really? That's strange. Did he give you his name?
Reed: Nope. Just asked for you and hung up. And I'm pretty sure he hung up a minute before that when I answered.
Diane: Hmmm.
(Diane reaches for the phone. She dials. Then she hangs up with a stunned expression.)
Reed: What'd you do?
Diane: Dialed star 69. That tells you the last incoming number. It was a Boston number. (she takes a deep breath) It was Cheers.
Reed: That bar you used to work at? You think it was that bartender you almost married?
Diane: Reed, what did you tell him?
Reed: That you were in the shower.
Diane: Oh no. He must think we're together.
Reed: Why don't you call him?
Diane: (still stunned) I - I can't. You have no idea how long it took me to get over that man.
Reed: ARE you over him?
Diane: Yes, definitely. I mean, mostly. (less convinced) I think so.
Reed: (sarcastically) Well, that sounds certain.
Diane: (starting to have trouble breathing) I just can't get into all that again. It almost wrecked me. I finally have some peace. Besides, I've got that awards show in two weeks and if I start up talking to Sam again I'll be a mess.
Reed: Why do you think he called?
Diane: I don't know. Maybe he finally mastered his shoelaces and just had to tell me about it.
Reed: Maybe he still loves you.
Diane: (sighs) I don't think he ever did.
Reed: What did he do that was so bad? You never said.
Diane: Oh. It wasn't so much him. It was the combination of the two of us. Reed, give me three words that you think describe me. And go ahead, you can be honest.
Reed: Let's see… Classy. Articulate. Intelligent.
Diane: (genuinely touched) Thank you, Reed. Now, picture a woman who broke up with a man by trying to twist his nose off. Picture a woman who threw a diamond ring out the window and caused a car accident. Picture a woman who played ping-pong for seven hours straight trying to prove she wasn't competitive.
Reed: I'm picturing her… and I don't like her.
Diane: Neither did I. And that was me with Sam. We were terrible for each other. He brought out the worst in me - and I fear I did with him too.
Reed: Well, maybe you're better off…
Diane: Yeah, and I didn't even get to the part about the insane asylum.
(At his shocked expression, she chuckles softly.)
Anyway, I left two men at the altar. Doesn't seem like I'm meant to be married.
Reed: I'm sorry, Diane. Straight men are so crazy. If I was straight, I'd never let you get away.
Diane: Aw, thanks, darling. And thanks for walking the pooch.
Reed: (standing) All right, I gotta head home. Dan is cooking his special meatloaf. (wags his finger) No jokes!
Diane: Goodbye, my sweet.
(He heads towards the door and then turns around.)
Reed: I'm sorry if I ruined it.
Diane: No, you didn't. You saved me.
(He starts back out again, but then slowly turns back around.)
Reed: But Diane, did you two bring out the best in each other too?
(She gives a wry smile and he smiles back. He leaves.)
Diane: (quietly, to herself) Maybe we did.