John slouches in his chair - the position is almost comfortable enough that he doesn't notice the ache in his back. He's mostly able to ignore the looks Ronan and Teyla give him, though not entierly. The mission had been easy when compared to some of their wilder ones, but moving around heavy objects had still forcefully reminded him that he's not quite as young as he used to be, no matter how well he passes the tests Carson gives him.
He wouldn't be having this problem if Ronan hadn't started giving him those infuriating little smirks while making sure that everybody knew he was the one doing the real lifting. He'd even had the nerve to ask if he wanted to take a break! And John couldn't just let that slide, no way. So in answer he'd just smirked at the younger man annoyingly and worked faster and harder than before, which in hindsight hadn't really been his best idea. Now he has to endure Teyla's pointed inquiries that sound concerned, but are really meant to embarrass him and remind him of his limits, and also Ronan's smug overbearing grins that he doesn't even have the decency to try to hide.
So what if he's not as fit as he used to be, he's still the leader of the team and they should give him the respect he deserves! Though it's actually quite common that they only follow his lead on missions, and sometimes even then decide that their ideas are better. Why does he even bother?
At least Rodney hadn't been there to witness his shame; John isn't sure he could defend himself against Rodney's sharp words as well he could against his other team-mates' in his current state. After all, Rodney was a professional at making people cry no matter how tough they thought they were. He's also grateful Rodney hadn't had to do the work with them because John was sure he couldn't have handled watching Rodney's broad shoulders and strong arms as his muscles flexed. At least without having an indecent reaction.
It had been a small mercy to discover that the people native to the planet weren't dangerous, though they were all disappointed, most of all Rodney, when the small trinket they worshiped and believed to actually be some sort of powerful Ancient device had turned out to only be a child's toy in terms of destructive power. At least Rodney hadn't made them cry. He'd only made them angry... which actually isn't that much better now that John really thinks about it. Oh well.
It's because of this that he's hoping Rodney will get to the mess hall soon and distract Ronan and Teyla with his whining enough that they'll stop mentioning his unfortunate mishap. It's a bit weird that he isn't sitting beside John already, stuffing his mouth with food and complaining about the village's unhygienic handling of meat products. John is just starting to get worried, glancing more frequently at the doors than he should be, but the others are still watching him with amused smiles and teasing him for all they're worth.
That's why John sees him first. John's heart feels like it skips a beat, then squeezes painfully. The dull ache doesn't go away and there's not enough air to breathe. Except he's breathing fine and there's actually nothing wrong with his heart, he knows that.
He doesn't say anything to indicate that he's noticed Rodney arrive. He doesn't do anything when Rodney comes into the mess hall with a glowing smile and a slight skip in his step. He just sits there, frozen, staring at Rodney across the room as he makes his way over to the line to get his food. There's nothing he could do, nothing that wouldn't somehow show how he really felt, though his motionlessness is enough to make Teyla give him a searching look and even Ronan takes notice. Despite that, it's for the best that John just stays quiet until Rodney finally makes it to their table, that he lets Rodney drop his tray onto the table with a bang to gather the attention of all his teammates.
The loud noise is enough to distract Teyla and Ronan from their scrutiny, and he can tell that they're just happy that their usually scowling friend seems to have miraculously recovered from his earlier bad mood. They don't know Rodney as well as he does, don't know what this weird good mood and glowing mean. John knows though. He recognizes the way Rodney is, recognizes it from the last time Rodney got together with someone he really liked. The aforementioned astrophysicist starts talking before he's even sat down, his tone happy for once while he criticizes the others in the science department.
It's because of this that it takes them all a few minutes to notice that John hasn't said a word since Rodney arrived. Rodney of course is the first, turning to him with a question John can't for the life of him remember. He's lucky enough to get the general gist of it, but details escaped him. "John?" Rodney asks, the joy seeping out of his smile the longer John doesn't respond, replaced by annoyence.
"John?" Teyla repeats Rodney's question, sterner and with an added scolding tone.
He truly is a horrible person, and worst of all a horrible friend. But isn't Teyla supposed to be able tell that he's heart-broken right now? Not that he's really heartbroken or anything, it's just a silly crush if even that. But she's always been the most perspective out of all of them, and if anyone would understand his predicament it would be her. She probably can tell and is just angry that he couldn't stop being selfish enough to be happy for his best friend for finally getting into a relationship. Damn.
"Sure, buddy." He tries to cover up the fact that he hadn't been listening, but it's a lame attempt even he himself cringes at.
Rodney gives him an unimpressed look, his chin tilting up in that stubborn, self-conscious way of his that John just can't help but find endearing. John tries to give him an apologetic smile, but he thinks it turns out more like a grimace by the way Teyla frowns at him. Today just really isn't his day.
"Sorry, I'm still tired from our mission." That at least gets Rodney distracted enough to start complaining about how the people there couldn't possibly have been stupid enough to believe that the ancient device they had was powerful enough to defeat the Wraith when it didn't even have enough energy to show up on the life signs detector. He's a bit more subdued now, his sweeping hand gestures smaller, and John can tell that it's all his fault.
John secretly agrees that the people there really were kind of stupid, but he can't really concentrate enough to say anything because Teyla is giving him the Evil Eye of Doom, and he isn't entirely sure he'll survive their next training session if he doesn't somehow make up for how he'd acted. But he also kind of agrees with and accepts it because he feels terrible for ruining one of Rodney's rare good moods. He hasn't had enough of those lately, most likely because of the Arcturus thing.
John doesn't like to think about the incident, though he's mostly started showing Rodney that he trusts him again. Rodney's been making an effort to earn it too, listening to John more carefully and obeying orders without the usual amounts whining. It's been hard, especially with John's inconvenient feelings making it more difficult than it has to be, but lately they've been almost like they used to be, maybe even closer for having lived through the it and still remained friends.
As it turns out Ronan is the who who kicks his ass the following day. He'd asked John to spar with him and John had agreed easily enough because he'd wrongly assumed that Teyla would be the one to try and talk to him after giving him a thorough workout. It usually is Teyla, but they probably already know him well enough to know that he'd avoid her to escape, and had decided to shake things up a little to confuse him. He'll never underestimate Ronan's sensibility again. If he even lives long enough for it to matter.
It seems like he'd been wrong. This clearly isn't his week. Or maybe it hasn't even been his year and he just hasn't given it enough thought to notice.
"Ronan," he groans pleadingly, trying to move any of his muscles. It's pointless though. Ronan looks like he isn't going to let him up anytime soon and John knows that he'll never be able to overpower the Satedan in a million years. He gives one last hopeless push before he goes lax, surrendering to the no-doubt painful talk Ronan is gonna put him through.
He sighs in defeat. "Okay, go ahead big guy. Lay it on me," he drawls, his voice a little strained, trying to settle into a more comfortable position without moving. It's an impossible task. Ronan's dreads are occasionally brushing over his neck and cheeks, making them ticklish. He had a desperate urge to scratch them. He now knows that it would have been preferable if Teyla had been the one to talk to him. At least Teyla usually lets him up before she starts interrogation him.
"What, giving up already Sheppard?" Ronan says tauntingly, tightening his grip just a bit more before relaxing again. John takes a sharp breath, but stays silent. He knows how this will go. His friends mean well, but mostly all their serious conversations all take place after they've beaten John up in the guise of sparring. It's their thing.
Ronan sighs morosely, as if he'd hoped John would put up more of a fight. He still doesn't get off of John. "Teyla wants to know why you're being such a dick," he says bluntly. John very much doubts Teyla said that, she probably worded it differently, but the meaning is definitely the same.
He considers playing dumb, but knows that Ronan won't let him up before they've resolved whatever problems he thinks there are. "It's Rodney," he admits, hoping it would be enough to satisfy his friend, but knowing that it isn't. It's too unspecific, too general.
"What's McKay done now?" Ronan asks tiredly, as if John has a lot of problems that revolve around Rodney. Which it true.
"Nothing- I mean," he searches his mind for a lie, something that might pass off as believable. "He got together with Katie Brown." Damn it. What is wrong with him?
Ronan gets off of him as expected, his face blank. "I'll go call Teyla." John doesn't bother to try and stop him; the talk with Teyla is going to happen no matter what. Maybe he'll even inexplicably stop liking Rodney as much as he does and everything will go back to normal. He sighs self-deprecatingly. This is what he's been reduced to. At least he knows that nobody else will come here and see him. It's a small mercy, but still something.
He's still in the same position when Teyla walks in, a slight frown marring her face. "John?" She sounds calm and sure of herself, just like usual, except with just a touch of concern and even some fondness. He hadn't realized he needed that, but now all the tension leaves his body like it hadn't even been there in the first place.
"I'm ruining our friendship." He doesn't bother to clarify himself, sure that Ronan has already told her everything. She'll know what he's talking about. Teyla stays silent, seriously giving his words some thought. He's always liked that about her.
"I think you are." John looks up at her incredulously. Shouldn't she be saying the opposite? "You should talk to him before you decide things for yourself. Communicate." Her words are gentle but commanding, and he feels a bit childish. This is why he doesn't like talks with Teyla.
But it can't be as simple as that. Rodney's just gonna say that he got together with Keller - John knows it's Keller because she's the most logical conclusion; John doesn't know anybody else Rodney has liked and who's liked him enough - and then he's gonna expect John to be happy and supportive about it. John can't be happy and supportive about it. He's going to be miserable and jealous and cranky. And he's going to ruin their friendship.
Even if he somehow manages to act, just for that one talk, like everything is normal, he'll still mess it all up in no time. But what if he doesn't? What if he can keep pretending long enough for his feeling to disappear? Or long enough for Rodney and Keller to break up, though that doesn't fix anything because John will still have these bothersome feeling. So it's decided. He'll just have to wait for the feeling to go away. No big deal.
"You're right of course." She looks surprised, like he hasn't said what she expected either. Good. He can be mature about stuff. Most of the time. "I'm gonna talk to Rodney, and then I'll take a nap, and then we'll meet for dinner. How's that?" He gets up, dusting off the backs of his pants lazily as if the last half an hour hadn't even happened. Smooth.
"Yes, that's good John," she smiles at him a bit hesitantly. "I'm glad you understand."
John nods, a corner of his mouth lifting up. He'll get over this; he's not a child and he can handle a little heart-break. Even if it is more of a crush really.