X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X
It won't come off.
There is blood on her hands, and no matter how hard she scrubs, she can't get rid of all of it. It's caught under her nails, smeared across her palms. She holds a sponge in one hand, caked with dirt; in her other hand is a knife, slightly dented and stained with the same blood that's spread across her hands.
She turns the tap on, waiting for the water to heat up. Then she rests the knife on the bathroom sink, shoves the sponge under the running water, and starts scrubbing her hands with it.
The hot water burns, and she bites her tongue to stop herself crying out. She keeps scrubbing, vigorously, furiously, desperately.
It takes a minute for her to realise that the blood swirling in the sink isn't the same as that on her hands. She's scrubbed so hard that she's made herself bleed. Slowly she turns the tap off, drops the sponge, and then stands there in front of the sink letting her raw skin sting and the tears start to fall down her face.
There's a knock at the door. Before she has time to react, someone steps into the room.
"Spencer?"
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X
Three days earlier.
Spencer closes her locker, then leans forward and rests her head against it. She probably only has a few more minutes before –
"There you are!"
She opens her eyes and wearily turns her attention to her friends. Emily is leaning against the locker beside her, Hanna has her arms folded like she's disapproving, and Aria is standing there with her head high like nothing even happened. Spencer wants to slap her.
"How are you?" Aria asks cautiously, raising an eyebrow slightly.
"I'm great," Spencer says, correctly interpreting her unspoken message: Don't tell them.
"Spence, you don't have to lie to us," Emily says. "We're your friends. We want to help."
"I think I've had just as much help as I can handle." Spencer slings her bag over her shoulder, flashes them a grimace that passes for a smile, and says, "I'm late for class. I'll see you guys at lunch."
She walks down the hall without looking back, hugging her textbooks to her like a lifesaver. All she has to do is get through today. One step after another. Deep breaths. She reaches her classroom and slides into a chair at the back of the room, letting her hair fall over her face. Better not to make eye contact with anyone.
She's been out of Radley since Sunday. After her conversation with Aria and Mona at the resort she'd gone back, just in time for morning rounds. Nobody had known she was gone. She'd managed to talk her way through the next couple of days of therapy and convinced the therapist that she was recovering. She was still meant to have weekly sessions with her, but apparently she was 'out of the woods' now. What they meant was that she wasn't at risk of suicide, but the expression amused her. She still felt like she was trapped deeply in the woods.
When the bell rings at the end of class she sits for as long as she can, waiting for the rush of people to subside. She doesn't want to have to talk to anyone. She doesn't want to be around anyone. She wants to be alone.
She's just gathering her belongings when a figure appears in the door.
"Hey Spencer!" Mona says brightly. "Can we talk?"
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X
"What do you want?" Spencer leans against the bathroom sink, not in the mood for games.
"Tut tut, Spencer." Mona twirls a strand of hair around her finger. "Patience is a virtue, you know."
"And we all know how virtuous you are," Spencer says acidly.
Mona tilts her head and smiles, but there's no warmth in it. It's like she's looking at a bug and deciding whether to squash it right away or whether to pull off its wings first.
Spencer meets her eyes steadily. It's the first time she's looked anyone in the eyes since that night.
"All right," Mona says, shrugging. "Since you're obviously not interested in societal conventions, I suppose we should just get to it."
She reaches into her bag and pulls out a small slip of paper. She hands it to Spencer and watches her face carefully as she reads it.
Spencer keeps her face blank as she reads it again, then rips it up into as many tiny pieces as she can. She lets the pieces drift off her hand into the trash, watching as they land like snowflakes.
"Can you manage that?" Mona asks, her eyes on the tattered pieces of paper.
"I've got it." Spencer turns away from her, staring into the sink. She wishes she could disappear. She thinks she's going to be sick. Her knuckles start to turn white from how hard she's gripping the edge of the sink.
"Are you sure?" Mona presses. "Because we can -"
"I said I've got it," Spencer snaps, rounding on her.
Mona gives her a curious look, like she's not sure she believes her. Then she smiles. "Great. Good luck."
She flounces out the door, leaving Spencer by herself. Spencer lifts her gaze and takes in her ragged appearance. She'd done her best to look like her old self, but there's something still off. The make-up is just a little too thick, her smile a little too forced. Not to mention she still has the bruise from where Aria had hit her, and a cut across one cheek from what had happened later. She'd passed those off as accidents when the staff had asked her about them.
"I must've fallen out of bed," she'd said. "Nightmares, you know?"
She was surprised they'd bought it. And even more surprised that her friends hadn't asked any questions.
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X
"- so I told Caleb about it, but I don't think I should have because what if it wasn't what I thought it was? Like, what if I just wrecked the best thing that's ever happened to him?" Hanna is toying with her salad, her agitation making it hard to concentrate on food. She stabs a cherry tomato with her fork. "I don't know what to do."
Beside her Spencer is looking at her empty tray. She hadn't been able to stomach the thought of food, even though she was intent on putting on a good front. Now she's listening to Emily console Hanna, who has some kind of situation with Caleb and his father. She's not focussing on that. She doesn't even really care, which she knows is horrible. But there's so much they don't know, so much else they should be worrying about.
Like her.
Spencer chews the inside of her lip. The note had said to meet at the apartment block at seven. That meant she'd have time to go home, catch up on a bit of the reading she'd missed while she was in Radley, and get changed into her black hoodie – that horrible symbol of betrayal – before she snuck out and went to the address.
"Do you guys want to come over and watch a movie tonight?" Hanna's asking. She seems cheered up by whatever Emily's said, although Spencer didn't hear a word of it. "Mom's out of town for a seminar and Caleb's busy with his dad."
Emily readily agrees, but Spencer hesitates.
"I – I'm not sure," she says falteringly. "I have a lot of homework to catch up on."
"Can't you do that another time?" Aria asks.
"No." Spencer looks up, meets her eyes, and feels gripped by coldness. "It has to be tonight."
The others don't get the significance of her words, but Aria catches on. "Hey Spence, can I talk to you for a moment? It's about something… personal."
Repressing a shudder, Spencer gets to her feet and follows Aria to the hall. Since their confrontation at the resort she hasn't been able to look at her without remembering the impact of the flashlight, the horror of that drive, the shock of finding out that she was on the A-Team. And then what happened after…
"You got your first assignment?" Aria says.
Spencer nods.
"And it's tonight?"
She nods again.
"Are you gonna do it?"
"I don't have a choice, do I?" Spencer says.
She looks at the girl she once called her best friend. She'd always known that Aria could be secretive, that she could spin a lie without thinking twice… but she'd never thought that she could be holding onto something this huge. Spencer had known about Toby for a few weeks and it had nearly killed her. But Aria had been on the team for who knows how long, and she'd never said a word. Did she really have no qualms about lying to her friends?
"I guess not." Aria holds on for one more moment, and then her façade crumbles. Before Spencer's eyes she transforms back into that insecure little girl, the strong-spirited but beaten-down girl she used to be. It shows in her eyes, in the way her shoulders slump. "I'm sorry."
"How did it happen for you?" Spencer asks, and Aria freezes up.
"What?"
"Joining the team… how did they convince you?"
Aria's eyes become guarded again, but she can't hide all of her regret. "They didn't."
"What are you talking about?" Spencer doesn't quite understand the implications of this, but she knows it can mean nothing good.
"They didn't convince me," Aria says softly. "It was my idea."
The bell rings.
Aria jumps. "Gotta go."
"Wait -" Spencer calls, grabbing for her, but the smaller girl darts out of her reach and gets lost in the crowd.
Spencer stares after her, feeling her heart breaking all over again.
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X
Spending so long in Radley, and so long living in terror before that, has made Spencer hyper-alert and slightly paranoid. She sticks to the shadows and side-streets, pulling the black hoodie low over her face in case anyone catches sight of her. If anyone finds out her secret, she's dead. Or, more likely, they are.
The apartment is only a few blocks away, but the walk seems to take hours. By the time she reaches the rundown building she's shaking. The note said not to go inside, just to wait by the corner. She slips into the shadow beside the building, wraps her arms around herself, and waits.
After half an hour she starts pacing.
After another twenty minutes she starts compulsively checking her phone.
After two hours have elapsed she glances around one more time and then sets off home.
Inside her room she rips off her black hoodie. She can't get out of it fast enough. Just wearing it makes her feel sick, like it's poisoning her. She tosses it on her bed, where it lays like an accusation. She turns her back on it and runs a hand through her hair.
Her phone goes off.
Black looks good on you, Spencer. –A
She throws her phone down on her bed beside the hoodie. So that was her assignment. Turn up at the right place at the right time, and not tell anyone about it. And she'd done that. So was she officially in now?
She collapses into the nearby chair, rocking gently back and forth, running her hand over the cut on her cheek. She thinks about how she got it, how she should have tried harder. How everything is so screwed up now that just thinking about continuing is enough to make her heart pound. She doesn't want to live like this.
When Mona had offered her that choice, for the second time, all her instincts had screamed at her to say no. To stay loyal to her friends. To keep fighting. But her depression had taken a toll, and the betrayal of two of her closest friends had been more than enough to push her over the edge. With nothing left to lose, nothing left to prove, she'd given in. But not before one last shot.
"Spencer -" Aria said, stepping forward.
The split second distraction had been all Spencer needed. She'd lunged forward, reaching not for the hoodie but for the gun. Mona swung around, eyes blazing. She tried to jerk the gun away, but was too slow. Spencer crashed into her, and Mona used her momentum to slam her into the ground. The gun went flying. Aria, closest to it, hesitated for the briefest moment before snatching it up and backing away.
"Aria!" Spencer cried. "Help me!"
Her friend shook her head, wrapping her hand around the gun.
"Aria!" Spencer felt desperation welling up inside her. So this was how she would die.
She blinks. That's too painful to think about. She's quickly running out of things that it doesn't hurt to think about. Her friends, her boyfriend, even school all just make her feel worse. She has nothing left.
Nothing besides that damn black hoodie.
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X
She's flicking through her French book before school when someone knocks at the door.
"Come in," she murmurs without looking up.
"Hey." Emily hovers in the doorway. Her eyes drift to the chair; a question.
Spencer nods by way of invitation and Emily settles down across from her.
"How are you holding up?" Emily asks, concern shining in her eyes.
"I'm fine." Spencer turns another page, and then another just to break the silence that stretches between them. She looks up. "Really. I'm okay. I just need to catch up on some sleep."
Emily gives her one of those looks, the kind that speaks more eloquently than she ever could.
"Spencer -" she starts, but she's cut off by the sound of buzzing.
Neither of them move.
"You gonna get that?" Emily asks, her eyes flicking to Spencer's phone.
Spencer shrugs, but she reaches over and picks it up.
Get her out of there. We need to talk. –A
Her heart stops. She tries to think of a way to hide how agitated she is, but she comes up blank.
"I'm sorry," she says, standing up suddenly. Her book falls to the floor.
"You okay?" Emily says, picking up the book and handing it to her.
"Yeah," Spencer assures her, doing her best to sound convincing. "I just – I have some stuff to do before school. I'll see you there, okay?"
"Okay, but -"
Spencer's ushering her towards the door. Emily turns around, confused, and stops in the doorway.
"Are you sure you're okay?"
Spencer feels her heart constrict. She wants to tell her everything, but to do so could only put her in more danger. She can't do that. She won't.
"I'm sure," she says, with the faintest hint of a smile.
Emily hesitates, then reaches over and hugs her; Spencer barely flinches. "All right. Text me if you need me."
"Hey Em," Spencer says as her friend turns to leave, "lendemain pallier."
Emily frowns quizzically, but before she can ask about it Spencer closes the door.
Spencer barely has time to sit down on her bed and try to convince herself not to panic before there's another knock on the door. Without waiting for an answer Aria walks into the room, closes the door behind her, and says, "Hey."
"Hi." Spencer schools her face into a neutral expression, even though this is one of the hardest things she's ever had to do: to look at your best friend and know you've lost them.
She was expecting Mona. She could have handled Mona. They'd never been friends; she'd always been the enemy. But now she had to deal with someone she'd thought she knew, someone who had completely betrayed her.
She feels sick as she realises that this is how Hanna and Emily will react if they ever find out about her.
"How are you?" Aria asks, sitting down beside her.
Spencer shuffles over so she's as far away as she can be. "Let's skip the pleasantries. You came here for a reason. Spit it out and then get out."
Aria holds up her hands in mock-surrender. "I didn't come here to fight, Spence. I'm not the enemy."
"Could've fooled me." Spencer pours as much venom into her words as she can, but Aria doesn't react.
"Look," her friend says, clasping her hands and leaning forward. "I think I know a way to get you out of this. A way for you to get out of the team without hurting anyone."
Spencer gives her a sideways look. "Then why don't you use it to get yourself out?"
"I'm in too deep," Aria says. "But it's not too late for you, Spencer. You can still walk away from this -"
"No I can't."
Aria doesn't respond for a long time. Finally she leans back, cocks her head, and looks at her friend. "So you don't want to quit?"
"Of course I want to," Spencer says, some of her anxiety splashing out into her words. "But I won't. I can't."
Aria smiles, like this is the answer she'd been hoping for.
Spencer watches her, and then she realises what's happened.
"This was a test, wasn't it?" she asks. "You were probing to see if I was going to turn against the A-Team."
Aria smiles again. It's a secretive kind of smile, like she knows more than she's telling and she feels superior because of it.
"You always were good with tests," she says.
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X
Spencer drums her fingers on the desk.
"Sorry I'm late," Aria says, dashing into the room and letting the door slam closed behind her. "Something came up."
"Whatever."
Aria doesn't even bother to sit down; this isn't a social call.
"Is that it?" Spencer asks, her eyes locking onto a piece of paper in Aria's hand.
"Yeah." Aria sets it down on the table and slides it across to her. "You know the drill. Read it, destroy it, do it."
"Uh-huh." Spencer unfolds the piece of paper and reads it. It's more complicated than the last one, so she wants to keep it for a while. But Aria's still watching her, so she reads it twice more and then rips it up. "Is that all?"
"Yeah." Aria turns to go, and then she turns back and gives Spencer an appraising look. "I know you don't believe me, but I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want this… any of this."
Spencer looks at her, falling into those dark eyes. Once she'd thought they held wonderful mysteries, but now all she saw were terrible secrets.
While she was laying on the floor, Mona had advanced towards her. On instinct Spencer sprang to her feet and backed away, but she'd ended up in a corner. The walls pressing in on her, the gravity of the situation feeling like ice shooting through her veins… she couldn't move.
"You don't have to fight us, Spencer," Mona said. "Just one little word and your problems go away. All the pain, all the disappointment, all the anger… it will all make sense. Just say yes."
Spencer felt trapped, terrified, and desperate. She shoved Mona away, shot past her, and sprinted for the door. She grabbed the handle, yanked at it, and felt her stomach drop when it didn't turn. She spun around to see Mona dangling the key, a wicked grin on her face.
Spencer shot an appealing glance at Aria, who looked away. Then she stepped up to Mona, clenching her fists, desperation giving way to righteous fury.
"I said no." Spencer set her jaw. "Now do whatever you need to do."
"Poor Toby," Mona said with mock sweetness. "He'll be so disappointed."
The words hung in the air for a second, and then everything exploded. Spencer grabbed Mona by the neck and started choking her again. But this time she did it right. Mona started gasping, then gagging, and slowly began to sink to the floor as her knees gave way.
There was a clatter, the sound of footsteps, and then someone collided with Spencer. She let go of Mona, who fell to the floor and scrambled out of the way, breathing hard. Whirling around, Spencer saw Aria. And without thinking she slapped her, as hard as she could.
Aria's eyes flew wide open, in shock and pain and something Spencer couldn't describe, and then she moved towards her. They stood there eyeing each other off, and then suddenly they were fighting. Somehow they were on the floor, screaming and crying. Aria raked her fingernail down Spencer's face, and she felt blood begin to dribble down her cheek. Spencer grabbed her shoulders and tried to push her off.
They stayed locked in combat like that for almost a minute, and then Spencer pushed Aria off and they both backed away as fast as they could.
Spencer ended up against the wall, her heart beating frantically and her eyes bright with tears as she stared at her friend. She reached up and covered the cut with her hand. She took a deep breath.
"Okay," she said quietly, defeated. "You win. I'll help."
"Well," Spencer says now, meeting Aria's eyes. "We don't always get what we want, do we?"
Then she stands up and strides out the door, not looking back.
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"Yes," Spencer says, picking up the pen and scribbling down a made-up signature. "That's the one."
The salesperson smiles at her, stapling the form to some other pieces of paper and filing these away in a drawer. "Great."
He hands her a small package, wrapped in plain brown packaging. She takes it, feeling like she'd holding a bomb.
"Thanks," she says, giving him a smile as she tucks the box into her bag and starts heading for the door.
Once she's outside she resists the temptation to open the package. Her instructions were clear: pick up the parcel and take it to the apartment block. She has no idea what's in it, or what it's for. She may be part of the team, but she's the lowest on the totem pole. It's need-to-know only, and she doesn't need to know. She just needs to do.
She doesn't feel like going home. Melissa will be there, and she'll probably still be walking on eggshells around her. She keeps treating her like she thinks she's going to snap at any point. Which, to be fair, isn't entirely out of the question.
So she turns the opposite way and heads towards the nearest park. She finds the most secluded spot she can, on a bench in the shade of a clump of trees, and sits down. After a few minutes of staring at the wind moving the grass, which ripples like water, she pulls out her phone and looks at the screen. Her finger slides down it until it reaches Emily's number. Her thumb hovers over the Call button, and then she exits out of it. She can't tell her about this. She can't risk her safety like that. She's in this alone.
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X
She hasn't been home since before school. Melissa's sent her a couple of messages but she's ignored them. Now she stands outside her house, wondering whether to go inside and risk talking to her. She only has half an hour before she's meant to be at the meeting point.
The front door creaks a little as she opens it, but she doubts it's enough to wake her sister. She tiptoes across the kitchen and hurries up the stairs. Once in her room she dumps her bag on her bed and dons her black hoodie. She looks at herself in the mirror, and she feels disgusted. She's everything she swore she'd never be.
But there's no time to think about that now. She grabs what she'll need and then creeps downstairs. There's no sign of Melissa, so she makes it out the front door with no problems. The night is chilly. She tucks her hands into her sleeves, shivering a little, and walks as fast as she can down the street. She still feels jumpy, and knows she looks incredibly suspicious.
When she reaches the apartment block she lets out a sigh of relief. She hasn't run into anyone. She hasn't had to answer any questions. She hasn't had to use the excuses that she's had poised on her tongue since she got this assignment.
This time she only has to wait for a couple of minutes before there's a noise behind the door. She walks up the short flight of steps and waits on the doorstep, holding her breath. The door swings open, and she walks in to meet her fate.
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X
Emily is doodling in the corner of her French book when something occurs to her. She sits up straight, reaching across her bed for her English-French dictionary.
"Lendemain pallier," she mutters to herself.
She looks up the two words, which don't entirely go together. That's odd. Spencer's always been good at French. Why would she have said two seemingly disconnected words?
"The next day… close relationship." She frowns. It's not a complete sentence. It doesn't make any logical or grammatical sense.
What had Spencer been trying to say?
Her heart stops.
Hey Em, she'd said. Lendemain pallier.
H. E. L. P.
She snatches up her phone and dials a number with fumbling fingers.
"Get over here," Emily says. "Spencer's in trouble."
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X
This is the sequel to 'Get Good', although that one can also stand alone. I'd originally intended this to be shorter and with fewer parts, but I got sucked into my own storyline. This has been so fun to write that I've just kept going. Let's see how and when it ends!