Hey all! Another vent fic from yours truly. Guess who's ex decided to buy a burner phone and tell her how horrible she is? This girl! Honestly, guys, I should never be allowed to take control of my dating life, someone else needs to run this show.
Moral of the story? Don't date people because you feel bad about breaking up with them. Apparently they turn stalker-y once you do.
As always, Adlerre over on tumblr. And if you see a certain angry comment in the comments section, you'll understand just how stalky this girl is. (Though I hope she hasn't found me on here yet).
Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it does.
Sometimes the pain is dull and calm in presence, at home in her heart.
Sometimes it rages, sometimes it ricochets, sometimes it tears.
It's not always there. Or rather, not always visible. She can fight it usually, keep the past in the past and move on. It doesn't matter most of the time, just the occasion stumble of past words, of thoughts that cut deep.
Days like this…Days like this, the pain takes over.
Maggie's not one to complain. Maybe that's why Alex pauses in confusion as Maggie's eyes stay downcast when she enters the apartment. Dropping her coat to the chair, Alex strides to the couch, softening her steps and presence as she goes.
"Mags?" She breathes out, letting gravity and concern guide her to her girlfriend's side
Maggie's not used to this. Not used to the concern. Not used to the warmth. Not used to-
"I'm okay." A silent breath. "How was your day?"
The words twist Alex's stomach, she watches the other woman shift mechanically from her crumpled position. Her face tries to brighten, but her eyes –so expressive in nature- have Alex pulling her into a warm embrace.
"You can talk to me. You know that, right?"
The nods are too quick, too shaky, too long.
A deep breath and Maggie's trying again. Trying to hide, to shift, to smile.
"What do you feel like for dinner? I was thinking Chinese, but-" As she speaks, she's detangling herself, leaving Alex's arm to fall to the couch in her quick retreat.
"Maggie."
"If you don't want that, Kara's been talking about a new-"
"Maggie."
A breath.
The tone stops her. The tone shakes her. The tone tells her to be honest.
Alex cares about her.
Alex loves her.
Alex doesn't think she's a bad person.
Maybe, she will understand? Maybe she isn't a bad person, maybe the words aren't true.
The thought strikes her in its calmness, in its hope.
"Maggie." A shift from behind keeps her still, keeps her listening. "What's going on?" The words reach her as a steady hand moves to wrap around her waist
"I-" She tries, the sentence cut off as her throat seems to close in resistance. A shake of the head. A watery cough. "It's what-"
"It's not whatever, Maggie. It's never whatever." The voice comes out stern, softness and care shining from Alex's eyes
Maggie's gaze dances around the room, to the sofa, to her phone, to the framed picture from last Christmas…jumping anywhere but Alex's face. She knows if she meets those caring eyes she'll break, she'll fall apart, she'll hurt.
But she meets those eyes, almost like the pull of magnets, insistent yet gentle.
"Oh, hun." A swift pull in and she finds herself shaking in her girlfriend's arms, "I've got you."
And she does. She does have her. Heart and soul. Day and night. Ride or die.
Maybe that's what makes this worse.
Maybe the words are true, maybe she'll just ruin Alex like she has before.
The thoughts have her pulling away, hating the space but hating herself more. Alex doesn't let her go, doesn't let her run. Instead, she pulls her back to her couch, back to her arms, and holds her tight.
They stay like this, nestled together as Maggie tries to push the words from her brain with every whisper and comforting touch Alex gives.
It almost works.
It almost does.
But Maggie's phone is buzzing.
And Alex might see.
And Alex might know.
And Alex might leave.
The voice in her head tells her Alex will leave regardless. Maybe that's for the best, after all she's-
"Who the hell is calling you a bitch, Maggie?"
Hearing the word out loud hurts. Hearing the word from Alex hurts worse.
Before she can think of moving, of retreating, of- of something, Alex is acting. She's always acting, she's always prepared, she's always a step ahead.
So, Maggie doesn't leave, she almost can't as Alex's arms seem to act as a beacon of safety, as a beacon of hope.
She sinks back into the arms, this time noticing tension growing in Alex as her jaw clenches and unclenches.
Questions and threats are at war behind her eyes, but Alex won't push. She'll wait.
And she does, wait, that is.
It's minutes later before Maggie is shifting, is biting her once trembling lip, is swallowing the pain in her throat, is staring at the darkened screen tossed to Alex's side (almost as if Alex is a shield between the two).
"That was my ex."
She starts slowly. Waits for a response. Alex's steady hand rubbing her back, has her continuing.
"She, uh, she likes to pop up every now and then. I've changed my number but…that never seems to help." Her hand finds its way into her hair, a nervous habit she has yet to control.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Well…no, not okay, but I'm guessing you would frown upon slight maiming so-" Alex trails off with a smirk that doesn't quite cover her anger
After a shoulder nudge and soft laugh, her stomach untangling a bit, Alex watches as Maggie's eyes regain their spark, only to darken as they steady on the phone.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
A shake of the head. "It's stupid-" The glare she receives has her shaking her head once more and gesturing to the phone. "You can read them…I think I've read enough."
Alex waits, unsure if she should. Maggie's calm nod makes her decision.
Then Alex is scrolling, and Alex is sighing, and Alex is tensing, and Alex is seeing red.
"I'm guessing her name isn't 'Do Not Answer'."
It's more of a statement than anything else, something to say to stall her from dialing certain numbers, and having Winn trace certain numbers, and showing up at certain apartments, and lightly maiming certain people…certain people blowing up her girlfriend's phone with threats and hate. Certain people titled 'Do Not Answer'.
Feeling the tension, Maggie continues. Unwilling to lie, unwilling to hide, again.
"Her name's Lindsey." A pause, "The do not answer is for obvious reasons."
A nod and Alex is tossing the phone back to the table. And Alex is pulling her close. And Alex is livid.
"So, she's been doing this awhile?"
Maggie almost smiles at the protective tone sweeping over Alex's words.
"Ever since I broke up with her a few years ago. I used to have her blocked…turns out she has a penchant of showing up places. I like to have the warning." She's staring at the wall as Alex tries to stay in the moment. To stay with her girlfriend. To not…well, to not murder a certain person.
"Have you ever thought of-"
"A restraining order?" Maggie huffs out a laugh, "Babe, I am the police, what's that going to do?"
Alex bites her lip, the pain unleashing not even a fraction of the anger flowing through her.
And they sit there. Silence taking over, the threat of another text weighing heavy on Maggie's tired mind.
"She does know what sapiosexual means, right?"
Bringing her gaze back to the woman, Maggie takes note of the tension, of the anger, of the protection. But also, also of the humor-tinted smirk.
"What?"
"She called you a b-, uh, unflattering word which -if you give the okay- I will show her what a real one looks like."
Maggie rolls her eyes at the threat, sinking a little further into Alex's arms.
Alex hadn't left.
Alex hadn't agreed.
Alex hadn't believed.
"She called you that, for being an apparent 'sapiosexual' in her terms. I wonder if she realized she insulted herself?"
A quirk of the eye and Maggie is chuckling. The laughter bringing ease and comfort back to Alex.
"She really did!" And now Maggie is full on laughing, the tension and hurt flowing out as she struggles to breath. "What are you a sapiosexual? You bitch!" Maggie recites the words engraved in her brain with a laugh instead of tears
"So that's why you're dating me! I see how it is." Alex is saying, smiling down as Maggie's laughter mixes with her own.
"Well, what can I say, I like the smart ones."
And they laugh. And they hug. And they try to forget.
For Alex, it's the anger. She tries to forget it, to hide it, to keep it under control, to focus.
For Maggie, it's the words. The words assaulting her phone, the words cutting her heart, the words marring her skin.
"You deserve love, Maggie."
"I know-"
But Alex is cutting her off because Alex can see it. Alex can see her retreat, can see her façade, can see her pain. Because those words, those words of hate have followed her.
From her father's angry shouts, to the hallways of high school, Maggie was taught she didn't deserve love.
Because love is for the right, and being gay could never be right. Love is for the family, the family she was thrown from. Love is for the friends, the friends that she was thrown from. Love is the self, the self she was taught to hate.
And Alex knows this, because Alex sees.
And Alex is keeping her close, hoping the tighter she squeezes the faster those words will erase from her mind.
"You deserve love, Maggie." She stifles a sob as Alex brushes a hand through her hair. "I'll make sure you realize that someday."
And she will.
And she does.
And it helps.
And it heals.
And they love.