Disclaimer: I do not own Halo, if I did, you can bet your ass it be more
screwed up then half the shit in my mind. (Thank the lord)
Halo: cooking evolved
"Hey Chef! Another one here! We're starving." Yelled a disgruntled marine across the cafeteria to said person.
"Coming right up!" Said person replied.
Said person being of course, the only cook on the PoA (Pillar of Autumn). Known by his friends and regulars only as "master chef". Nobody knew how long he had been on the ship except for captain Keyes and possibly the ship AI Cortana.
Of course, everyone was welcomed into the cafeteria (except for a certain someone who didn't even need to eat but we will get to that.), served with good food and cool drinks by the master himself. Just as long as everybody on the ship obeyed the four unspoken rules.
One, nobody touched his stuff (especially his platinum frying pan and cooking sherry.) or entered his kitchen without (or with, he had been known to get drunk) his permission, that was his territory and property and everyone respected that, even the captain.
Two, no fights (sissy or likewise).
Three, NOBODY makes fun of the hat! The chef's outfit was normal for the most part (think white shirt, white apron ("Hail to the chef" printed on), the works.) except for a green metallic helmet with a yellow visor worn on his head preventing anyone from seeing his face. Nobody made fun of it because 1: the last guy who did had a spatula imprint on his face for weeks, and 2: He made the best damn omelets this side of the universe. Rumored has it that it had been the last remaining component in a experiment to make a super-powered suit which eventually failed cause everybody who put it on couldn't last five minutes in it, of course, those were just rumors.
And four, no mention of Cortana in his company. For some reason, the chef and Cortana didn't exactly get along very well. That was the sugarcoated version. The downright truth was that they hated each other. If they were ever in each other's company alone, they probably kill each other, then ate the remains to ensure that the deed had been done, reduced to nothing but good old fashion poop.
"Another one of your omelets for me too, master chef." A familiar voice spoke as the captain of the PoA walked into the cafeteria.
"The usual?" The master asked, a rhetorical question for Keyes had only had his omelets in one way for years, plain with a light coating of the chef's famous cooking sherry on the top. Already cooking the concoction.
"You know," the captain began as he sat down. " Between the whole covenant war and managing this ship, your omelets are about one of the only things I look forward to."
"I'm flattered captain, really I am." The Chef replied cracking a small smile unseen by the captain due to the "hat" he wore. "One PoA special coming rig....."
BOOM!!! [Or whatever noise you think is loud. (]
A loud explosion sounded across the ship nearly knocking the chef off his feet and producing a rather loud "What the fuck?!" from his mouth.
"Captain!" The ship AI Cortana announced on the loud speakers on the wall. "A covenant battleship! They caught us off-guard, the Covenant are inside. The Pillar of Autumn won't last too long either with the hit it took."
" Roger Cortana, tell everyone to get to the escape pods ASAP." The captain said before turning to face the master chef, " you better get to an escape pod too son, this old baby ain't gonna last for long."
"Captain, you don't need to care about that freak, you know the saying "The chef goes does with ship"."
"That's *captain* you fake bitch."
" You motherfu...."
"Enough!" the captain shouted exasperated," Cortana, I want you to delete all the earth files on the Pillar of Autumn, we can't risk those covenant bastards getting that information, and prepared for departure, I'm coming to get you."
"Yes sir." Was the formal reply before the speakers went quiet.
"Here." The captain spoke handing the chef a standard pistol. "I don't keep it loaded son so you'll have to find ammo as you go alone."
" I have THIS." The master chef replied, holding up his pride and joy, his platinum frying pan nicknamed "THOR". "And these." Lifting up his apron revealing ten bottles of his specially made cooking sherry attached to his belt, defying the laws of physics by not pulling down on his pants. (Thankfully.)
".............rightttttt......." Came the captain's skeptical answer before shoving the pistol into his gloved hand. " Just take it, now go on! Go!" And with that the captain was gone.
"Damn, I don't even know how to use this..."
The Chef took one last look at his kitchen (sniff.) before sprinting down the PoA's hallways towards the escape pods.
On the way there, he spotted an ammo clip on the floor. A dead marine on the floor.
"Bendozar!" the chef exclaimed checking the body, however the marine was already dead, spatula imprint still visible on his face.
"Shouldn't be too hard..." the master said to himself as he picked up the ammo and tried to stuff the oversized clip (with the label "AR CLIP" blatantly printed on its side.") Into the pistol.
"Goddamnit! Get in there!" The chef shouted and with one final whack, the AR clip was fitted into the pistol, once again breaking the laws of physics. "That's better." Continuing on.
Running faster,AR pistol(and THOR) in both hands, soon he was in the hallway leading to the escape pods.
"Almost there." The chef said as he opened the hallway door.
Only to get greeted by a covenant elite and two grunts.
"Another! Over here!" One of the grunts squeaked.
" Die!" The master chef uttered his battle cry and aimed the pistol at the elite.
*CLICK!* [What? You'd think I'd defy the laws of physics again by making it behave like an Uzi? I'm already on his shit list for the other two lawbreakers. (Sees the laws of physics taking down author's name onto a black notebook.) silly,silly readers.)
" Uh oh...errrrr...peace?" the master chef proclaimed pathetically holding up his hand in the peace sigh.
"Wort! Wort! Wort!" the elite ordered as he and the grunts charged towards the chef.
" Take this!" the master chef cried as he grabbed a bottle of his cooking sherry (100% fat free) and splashed it in the elite's face.
" NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the elite screamed as the searing liquid hit his eyes, blinding him for a moment.
And in that moment, with lightning-fast speed, the master chef bought THOR down on the two grunt's head, killing them before slapping the elite two times in the face and bringing it down on his head with it too.
"ARGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!" the elite cried out one last time before it died.
"...........I could get used to this" the chef said taking one final glance at the covenant bodies before going into an escape pod where 4 marines were already preparing to leave.
" Chef!" the pilot exclaimed upon seeing him enter. "Thank god! At least we won't starve to death now."
The chef raised an eyebrow, wondering whether they meant that he could cook for them, or that they would eat him when they got hungry. He opt for the former.
"Get us out of here pilot."
"Yes sir!" the pilot replied before thinking "Wait, why the hell am I calling him sir? He's just a cook." Brushing the thought away. He started up the small ship and took off away from the PoA.
"This ship can't travel long distances, so we're heading for that ring- shape planet, the computer has already confirmed that the air is breathable there."
As the chef stared out the window, a thought process entered his mind as he stared at the circular shaped planet, which would come to be known as "Halo"
New planet= possible new species= possibly edible= new omelet food stuffings
"Goody."
To be continued (hopefully, please R and R!)
Author's note: If you're wondering how I came to write such a screwed-up story then wonder no more. Before I got my Xbox ( I had a playstation 2 before then.) I used to be irritated at how so many people were gushing about how great Halo was. When I first saw master chief and read his name in a game magazine(electronic gaming monthly, read it, it's great.) , for some reason, my brain read it as "master chef".(don't ask me why, I just thought it sounded better.) So I just referred to him as that until I got my Xbox, then I became one of those gushing people.(And I started calling him master chief finally.) But I couldn't get the name "master chef" out of my mind. So finally I just wrote this crap story. If I get good reviews, I will continue it. But please don't flame me! I cry when I see flames(no,really).
Halo: cooking evolved
"Hey Chef! Another one here! We're starving." Yelled a disgruntled marine across the cafeteria to said person.
"Coming right up!" Said person replied.
Said person being of course, the only cook on the PoA (Pillar of Autumn). Known by his friends and regulars only as "master chef". Nobody knew how long he had been on the ship except for captain Keyes and possibly the ship AI Cortana.
Of course, everyone was welcomed into the cafeteria (except for a certain someone who didn't even need to eat but we will get to that.), served with good food and cool drinks by the master himself. Just as long as everybody on the ship obeyed the four unspoken rules.
One, nobody touched his stuff (especially his platinum frying pan and cooking sherry.) or entered his kitchen without (or with, he had been known to get drunk) his permission, that was his territory and property and everyone respected that, even the captain.
Two, no fights (sissy or likewise).
Three, NOBODY makes fun of the hat! The chef's outfit was normal for the most part (think white shirt, white apron ("Hail to the chef" printed on), the works.) except for a green metallic helmet with a yellow visor worn on his head preventing anyone from seeing his face. Nobody made fun of it because 1: the last guy who did had a spatula imprint on his face for weeks, and 2: He made the best damn omelets this side of the universe. Rumored has it that it had been the last remaining component in a experiment to make a super-powered suit which eventually failed cause everybody who put it on couldn't last five minutes in it, of course, those were just rumors.
And four, no mention of Cortana in his company. For some reason, the chef and Cortana didn't exactly get along very well. That was the sugarcoated version. The downright truth was that they hated each other. If they were ever in each other's company alone, they probably kill each other, then ate the remains to ensure that the deed had been done, reduced to nothing but good old fashion poop.
"Another one of your omelets for me too, master chef." A familiar voice spoke as the captain of the PoA walked into the cafeteria.
"The usual?" The master asked, a rhetorical question for Keyes had only had his omelets in one way for years, plain with a light coating of the chef's famous cooking sherry on the top. Already cooking the concoction.
"You know," the captain began as he sat down. " Between the whole covenant war and managing this ship, your omelets are about one of the only things I look forward to."
"I'm flattered captain, really I am." The Chef replied cracking a small smile unseen by the captain due to the "hat" he wore. "One PoA special coming rig....."
BOOM!!! [Or whatever noise you think is loud. (]
A loud explosion sounded across the ship nearly knocking the chef off his feet and producing a rather loud "What the fuck?!" from his mouth.
"Captain!" The ship AI Cortana announced on the loud speakers on the wall. "A covenant battleship! They caught us off-guard, the Covenant are inside. The Pillar of Autumn won't last too long either with the hit it took."
" Roger Cortana, tell everyone to get to the escape pods ASAP." The captain said before turning to face the master chef, " you better get to an escape pod too son, this old baby ain't gonna last for long."
"Captain, you don't need to care about that freak, you know the saying "The chef goes does with ship"."
"That's *captain* you fake bitch."
" You motherfu...."
"Enough!" the captain shouted exasperated," Cortana, I want you to delete all the earth files on the Pillar of Autumn, we can't risk those covenant bastards getting that information, and prepared for departure, I'm coming to get you."
"Yes sir." Was the formal reply before the speakers went quiet.
"Here." The captain spoke handing the chef a standard pistol. "I don't keep it loaded son so you'll have to find ammo as you go alone."
" I have THIS." The master chef replied, holding up his pride and joy, his platinum frying pan nicknamed "THOR". "And these." Lifting up his apron revealing ten bottles of his specially made cooking sherry attached to his belt, defying the laws of physics by not pulling down on his pants. (Thankfully.)
".............rightttttt......." Came the captain's skeptical answer before shoving the pistol into his gloved hand. " Just take it, now go on! Go!" And with that the captain was gone.
"Damn, I don't even know how to use this..."
The Chef took one last look at his kitchen (sniff.) before sprinting down the PoA's hallways towards the escape pods.
On the way there, he spotted an ammo clip on the floor. A dead marine on the floor.
"Bendozar!" the chef exclaimed checking the body, however the marine was already dead, spatula imprint still visible on his face.
"Shouldn't be too hard..." the master said to himself as he picked up the ammo and tried to stuff the oversized clip (with the label "AR CLIP" blatantly printed on its side.") Into the pistol.
"Goddamnit! Get in there!" The chef shouted and with one final whack, the AR clip was fitted into the pistol, once again breaking the laws of physics. "That's better." Continuing on.
Running faster,AR pistol(and THOR) in both hands, soon he was in the hallway leading to the escape pods.
"Almost there." The chef said as he opened the hallway door.
Only to get greeted by a covenant elite and two grunts.
"Another! Over here!" One of the grunts squeaked.
" Die!" The master chef uttered his battle cry and aimed the pistol at the elite.
*CLICK!* [What? You'd think I'd defy the laws of physics again by making it behave like an Uzi? I'm already on his shit list for the other two lawbreakers. (Sees the laws of physics taking down author's name onto a black notebook.) silly,silly readers.)
" Uh oh...errrrr...peace?" the master chef proclaimed pathetically holding up his hand in the peace sigh.
"Wort! Wort! Wort!" the elite ordered as he and the grunts charged towards the chef.
" Take this!" the master chef cried as he grabbed a bottle of his cooking sherry (100% fat free) and splashed it in the elite's face.
" NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the elite screamed as the searing liquid hit his eyes, blinding him for a moment.
And in that moment, with lightning-fast speed, the master chef bought THOR down on the two grunt's head, killing them before slapping the elite two times in the face and bringing it down on his head with it too.
"ARGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!" the elite cried out one last time before it died.
"...........I could get used to this" the chef said taking one final glance at the covenant bodies before going into an escape pod where 4 marines were already preparing to leave.
" Chef!" the pilot exclaimed upon seeing him enter. "Thank god! At least we won't starve to death now."
The chef raised an eyebrow, wondering whether they meant that he could cook for them, or that they would eat him when they got hungry. He opt for the former.
"Get us out of here pilot."
"Yes sir!" the pilot replied before thinking "Wait, why the hell am I calling him sir? He's just a cook." Brushing the thought away. He started up the small ship and took off away from the PoA.
"This ship can't travel long distances, so we're heading for that ring- shape planet, the computer has already confirmed that the air is breathable there."
As the chef stared out the window, a thought process entered his mind as he stared at the circular shaped planet, which would come to be known as "Halo"
New planet= possible new species= possibly edible= new omelet food stuffings
"Goody."
To be continued (hopefully, please R and R!)
Author's note: If you're wondering how I came to write such a screwed-up story then wonder no more. Before I got my Xbox ( I had a playstation 2 before then.) I used to be irritated at how so many people were gushing about how great Halo was. When I first saw master chief and read his name in a game magazine(electronic gaming monthly, read it, it's great.) , for some reason, my brain read it as "master chef".(don't ask me why, I just thought it sounded better.) So I just referred to him as that until I got my Xbox, then I became one of those gushing people.(And I started calling him master chief finally.) But I couldn't get the name "master chef" out of my mind. So finally I just wrote this crap story. If I get good reviews, I will continue it. But please don't flame me! I cry when I see flames(no,really).