UMBRIDGE EQUALS BAD TEA

A/N: Delusions do not count. I still only own those items which I have duly purchased... usually only books, movies, and Bertie Botts all flavored candies.

Snape would not admit to anyone that relief flooded him when he heard the knock on the door. Usually when Potter had a lesson with him he was a few minutes early. Today he was precisely on time.

He did not want Harry to know that he was secretly pleased that the Gryffindor was here once again. He yanked open the door and greeted the young man. "Come in Potter," He hissed. "You seem to be a bit early today. Enthusiastic about learning are you?"

"Sorry, Sir. I did not have my watch. Hermione told me to run or I would be late." The pink flush on his face gave him a lovely glow. The boy looked good enough to at least bite.

Severus' lip curled slightly worse than usual. "By all means," He waved his hand toward the other chair, "We must listen to our resident know- it-all, mustn't we?" His patience seemed to be completely used up as he observed Harry shifting nervously for a few seconds as he was eyed warily.

Harry sensed something wrong. Snape was acting funny. The temptation to run was almost as strong as his curiosity.

"Never mind, foolish boy! You are here now, sit down! I was just about to have tea. Come, have some. I know growing boys never get enough to eat." He could not help but gloat over the fact that Potter was so short and skinny... then his traitorous mind tacked on «even though he is the most beautiful creature in his year- male or female. Maybe even in the whole school. »

Visions of fifth year popped into Harry's head. UMBRIDGE equals BAD TEA. Not a good thought! Harry accepted the cup and watched as Snape's customary smirk returned. He held the cup under his nose and delicately inhaled. Most love potions had a slight sickly-sweet base odor. He could not detect any smell except the mint. That made his twice as wary because mint could hide the scent or taste of any number of poisons.

It might not even be a love potion that Snape was trying to foist off on him. Along with covering various potions, they were also researching various charms and hexes related to making someone fall in love with another against their will. He bit his lip and tried to remain calm. He could get out of this.

Harry's mind whirled feverishly as he tried to think of a way not to drink his cup of tea. The closer he observed Snape's behavior, the more certain he became that the old cryophilic was up to no good. Trying to distract Snape long enough to dump the tea that was giving him such bad vibes he smiled appreciatively at him and murmured, "Did Hagrid give you fresh mint today, Professor? This smells wonderful."

His eyes almost flared wide in panic when he saw the gloating look on Snape's face. He kept his eyes lowered and pretended to sip again. He was so nervous he did not need to make his hand shake as he spilled a bit of the tea on his robes. But, he sighed in relief anyway as Severus « wait, when had he become Severus? A minute ago he was nothing more than a frigid old bat » took a sip from his tea also.

Harry flinched. There had to be something in the teacup besides tea. Whatever it was, the fumes were even so potent that they were beginning to alter his perspective. His self-preservation instincts were telling him to run like hell while he still could. At the very least, he needed to get the teacup out of his hands and away from his face.

'OK, breathe deep,' Harry, he told himself. He set the teacup down first and proceeded to do just that. He casually leaned forward keeping his eyes on Snape the whole time as he gently shifted the two teacups around. "Could I have a bit more tea, Sir?" He asked as he stared into the onyx depths of his master's « NO- wait! Snape is not my master! » eyes.

Snape smiled serenely at Harry as he moved about picking up the teapot and topping up both cups without discovering the error. He watched closely as Harry picked the cup up again and took a mouthful. He picked up his own tea and also took a healthy swallow as he appreciated the aroma of fresh mint.

He idly noticed that Harry was cradling his teacup as if he were cold. Or, maybe he had something to hide- the boy was definitely acting shifty.

Then it was his turn to gasp and stare in horror as he realized that he was drinking from the teacup with the pink flowers on it. The flare of rage he felt disappeared suddenly as the potion kicked in. He could not help but grin at Harry as he nodded approvingly, "How very Slytherin of you! How long did it take you to figure out that your teacup had a potion in it?"

Harry glared at him, "You are not the first person to try poisoning my tea. Umbridge was not as subtle as you were though. What did you put in it?"

Severus grinned and Harry was amazed to notice that his potions professor had had his teeth cleaned and straightened. "I have all my teacups spelled to detect any type of poison. The flowers turn a different color depending on the type of potion used. The love potion/aphrodisiac turns the flowers pink. Pouring ordinary tea in the cup will have it remaining a solid black." By the time he finished his teacup explanation he was almost incoherent.

Wanting, but not receiving a response, he looked up at Harry. He felt awfully funny, he could see Harry talking, but all he could hear was someone murmuring words of love and adoration to him. He fought the feeling and tried to focus his thoughts. Criosphinx tears were supposed to be an aphrodisiac that engaged the body but there was something more than that at work here. His last lucid thought before his senses were engulfed completely was « Never mix criosphinx tears with fresh mint / pinched, not cut/ during the day of a full moon or it activate/complete any bonds the participants in the tea ritual wish to perform. Even unknowingly. »

Harry saw the dawning of understanding light Sevrus' beautiful eyes just before it was completely wiped away by total revulsion and horror. It was impossible to miss seeing the man whimper in terror at what had been done to him. He waited in silence for several seconds while his professor regained control.

Finally Snape emerged from his emotional stasis. Focusing his gaze on Harry, desperation choking his beautiful voice. "Please, Harry, drink some of the tea from my cup. I have made a drastic error and unless you partake of the tea also I may go mad."

"By my reckoning you already are barking mad. It might be interesting to see if you can improve upon that mental state though." The green eyes glared at him but Severus did not want to see that. His inner-Slytherin was good for more than a few self-delusions. And, Severus Snape was not in Slytherin house for nothing. He gave the boy a baleful glare as he took another sip of tea and as Harry watched him pretend to swallow, he pounced the boy.

Harry felt the liquid fill his mouth from where Severus had shared his tea with him so intimately. He obediently swallowed. And then the two of them waited to see what Harry wanted to do. He was almost shocked when his first tentative touches on Severus' face were not rejected. Instead, Severus leaned into the touches and responded with a low purring sound. Harry's teenage body jumped to full hardness in a matter of seconds.

Severus continued his mating song as he began to reciprocate with touches, tentative and beseeching. The two of them were well on their way to having a very fulfilling evening when Albus' head appeared in the fire.

"Severus, my boy, have you seen Harry?" He called as he looked around the room. His eyes lit on the two of them, apparently still not noticing him, and decided he needed to come through. The first words out of the old man's mouth when he entered the room was, "Severus, you two need to come up for air." There was no doubt that Severus was, in fact, seeing quite a lot of Harry Potter.

Severus raised his head from the delectably bared chest of his amour and snarled. "What do you want, Albus?"

The old man's eyes twinkled madly as he observed the two. "Are you testing potions or have I interrupted you doing..." his voice trailed away. "Oh, yes, now I remember, back in my day we called it 'studying Human Anatomy in Braille', right?"

Severus could not control his snicker. Leave it to Dumbledore to say something that stupid. He gasped then moaned in approval as Harry shifted beneath him and with a bit of wandless magic murmured Petrificas Totalus. They both watched, slightly amused as the wide-eyed Dumbledore fell rigid to the floor.

Then Severus' universe was once again spinning properly in its orbit as Harry grinned at him and whispered, "Actually we're working on the Horizontal Lab portion of the class and I, for one, want to get an F out of it."

Snape smirked as he glanced over at the twinkle-eyed old coot who was staring at them intently. "Did you want to watch Albus or would you like to go back to your office? "

He received an enthusiastic mumble from Albus. And a wail of disgust from Harry.

"What?" He murmured to his obviously irate paramour.

"I refuse to do anything with that nosy old man still here. You might as well let me up. I am totally out of the mood."

This time it was a totally irate old man who let out a shriek as Severus Snape, feared Death Eater, made his appearance. While Harry was buttoning his shirt back up and straightening his robes, Albus Dumbledore was being hexed to hell and back. He finally managed to escape through an open window when Severus blasted him with an aviatrix spell that turned him into a great horned owl, complete with orange and purple feathers.

Hours later a strangely neat and tidy Harry Potter left his Potions Masters private rooms. As he opened the door he turned with a cheeky smile and a wink then asked, "Same time next week, Sir?"

Snape shook his head in a negative fashion. "If you are having problems and need any extra tutoring please do not hesitate to ask me for help."

Harry's green eyes fairly danced with mischief as he watched Severus' reaction. "I am having a 'hard' time keeping up with my work load you know." He was through the door and running down the hall long before Snape stopped staring bemusedly into space as he recalled Potter rubbing his hand across his pelvis when he mentioned the word 'hard'.

Hogwarts: Night before Alban Arthuan

T'was the night before Yule

And all through the castle

Everyone was having fun

Except Snape being an arsehole

The floo pots were brimming

The fireplaces blazed with good cheer

In hopes that friends would fire call

Or a visitor would appear

While Draco in drag

And Harry in leather

Had just settled down

To get squicky together…

When out in the courtyard

There rose such a clatter

Draco lounged on the sofa

While Harry sorted the matter

He hexed open the shutters

And reductoed the sash

Then what changed their lust to tears?

But a very drunk Hagrid

With eight flying thestrals

Right up to the rooftops

The abominations flew

Dragging their carriage

Hagrid and his brew

Then in a twinkling

They heard on the roof

Holes being made

By iron-clad hoofs

As they settled back down

To enjoy a good shagging

Down the chimney Hagrid

Fell with a bounce