Broken-Hearted Girl

You're everything I thought you never were,
And nothing like I thought you could have been.
But still you live inside of me.

Why did she allow herself to become everything she didn't want to be? She could be at home in Montana, on the ranch, in love with her cowboy as he dealt with the jungle that was the wheatfields. She supposed New York was no different. Danny was her cowboy and she was living in a concrete jungle. Too bad he couldn't deal with it. She promised herself, she had promised. Her eyes closed as she stepped into the elevator and hurt overcame herself.

The elevator up to her apartment had always been dingy, but it was the one minor fault she'd allowed herself to overlook as she signed the paperwork. After all, how often did a two bedroom Manhattan apartment that a country-girl could afford appear? Not very. But, she had a sneaky suspicion that the owner held some empathy with her as she'd looked around. Maybe she'd once been that girl in that city.

It may not have been much, but to her it was home.

The key turned in the lock and as she looked around and dumped her bag, she couldn't help but think that opening the door was like opening the door to her life. Looking back at the past. Looking back and seeing how far she'd come. How far she'd come only to become everything she didn't want to be.

Lindsay Monroe was broken-hearted. And there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.

She couldn't sleep. For the first time since she'd arrived in New York City, she felt alone. Almost as alone as she'd felt when she'd dialled 911 from the diner. How petty had she become? She berated herself. Nothing would ever compare to the way she'd felt after discovering the blood-covered bodies of her best friends. No man would ever make her question herself as much as that day had.

She smiled a little. Her friends were so beautiful; the fearless foursome. They'd have loved Danny and that made it hurt even more, because they'd have been here telling her to pick herself up and find out why the guy she loved was off prancing around with another woman. He could have pretended all he wanted, but she knew. She knew about how he was finding comfort in Reuben's mother – it hurt to even think about it. They'd been there for each other through thick and thin, he'd held her hand at the trial; she'd helped him after their Snow Day, helping him feel better and being there for him in the night when he couldn't sleep. Why had he felt it was justifiable to throw it all away for a grieving mother who needed more than a quick shag and an omelette? Why?

Why did she get cereal?

Albeit it was cereal from his favourite bowl that he didn't let anyone else eat out of, and he'd given her a flower, and he'd written her a message, and...

No. She had to stop thinking about this. They weren't together anymore, and these were just questions that would never be answered because it caused too much pain. Too much pain to even look at him, let alone talk to him. Working through their problems this time would cause more harm than good, that much she knew. Maybe in the future she could look back and smile at the memories they shared together. But right now...right now she had to forget about what made him the perfect guy for her. She was never telling her family about the turmoil she was feeling (okay, biggest lie of the century. She would tell her Mama everything with time, but she was the only one and that time was a long way off.) Her three brothers would be on the first plane out of Bozeman to come and beat Danny to a pulp, and as much as she was hating on him right now, no person deserved their wrath. And that was why she felt alone.

The city that never stopped, the city that was home to millions of people was making her feel alone. Okay, so maybe she couldn't blame it on the city that she'd come to love. Maybe it had to do with a certain blue-eyed detective who her life in New York City revolved around. Without him she wouldn't have half the friends she did outside of work. She wouldn't know the best place to get coffee and a bagel in the morning, and she definitely wouldn't feel as close to her co-workers, as part of a team if it weren't for him. So maybe that was why she couldn't call any one. He knew them first and he'd have their support.

It was an irrational, yet justifiable idea.

Her eyelids shut for a moment, but they flashed open as the images entered her mind. His hands on another woman... – and that's when she broke again. Her beautiful, handsome, charismatic Danny Messer had turned into a lifeless, shell of a person with no outlet for his grief in his loving girlfriend. Well, ex-girlfriend. All she had wanted to do was help him, help him get over this because she'd been there too. She'd loved three people and they'd all left her the same night.

The soft sound of her socks on the hardwood floor echoed as she padded out of their, no, her bedroom to the sofa and bookcase. It was one of her favourite things to do in her apartment; sit and read with the window open – all the hustle and bustle going on down on the sidewalk, whilst she sat upstairs in the comfort and warmth of her home. Maybe there'd be a little kissing. She scoffed. A little? More like as soon as they got through the door she was on that sofa and he was on top of her, making sure he deprived her of oxygen as much as possible.

It had started to rain.

Rain meant time for a rain walk.

No. That would be a silly thing to do at 3am, but if she couldn't feel happy in New York for the time being, the next best thing would have to do. She grabbed her laptop and booted it up, finding what she was looking for. She knew it was irresponsible. She knew that she should have cleared it with Mac a while ago, but he'd understand. She had enough vacation days built up to justify this little excursion. She sent him a quick message anyway, just to make sure and as her finger hovered over the confirm button her phone buzzed with a reply.

She smiled to herself as she thought about taking a proper rain walk. Until the smell of bacon wafted through the window and Lindsay had the undeniable urge to vomit.

"Hey Mac," Danny called as he saw his boss at the end of the corridor. "Do you know where Lindsay is? I just wanted to run some stuff by her about the paper work I'm doing now," He added. It sounded like a reasonable excuse at the time but it was pretty obvious Mac saw right through his question.

"Danny." Mac said with a heavy heart. "I know something's going on with you guys, but I'm here to make sure it doesn't interfere with your work and right now, that's what it's doing."

"I know, and that's why I really need to see her, to work this thing out but her phones going straight to voicemail and I don't want to leave anymore, so please just tell me how to contact her. Or...or just where she is." He pleaded, a look of desperation crossing his face.

What was the harm in telling him where she was? Mac reason with himself, it's not as if he'd let Danny hop on the next plane to see her. "She's on a plane, taking some time for herself for once." He finally said.

"What?" Danny's brain seemed to collapse on him as he processed the information. "Oh my god... I need to go see her. I need to say sorry. I need to make it up to her..." Danny muttered to himself, his face in his hands as he thought about what he'd lost. What if she went back to Bozeman and decided never to come back to New York again? All because of some stupid night where he tried to bury his pain.

"Danny, you are not leaving. You have work to do."

Danny treasured his relationship with his boss, he truly did. But right now he could have told him where to shove it. "Mac. I need to take some time off." Danny said, completely ignoring his boss' previous words. "Is that alright? I mean, we're pretty quiet at the moment, and we've just wrapped up a big case and I'm gonna be pretty honest with you right now..." He trailed off bringing his chin and rubbing contemplatively. "No matter what you say, I am out of here and on the next plane to Montana whether you like it or not. I don't care what happens."

"Danny, you cannot do this. Lindsay needs some time. You rushing off to Montana will not help."

Yep, right where to shove it. "No, see that's where you're wrong, because I need to tell her how she's my world and she won't know that if I'm here and she's there." He mumbled as he began to retreat back to their office to find his coat.

"Danny! Danny...!" Mac called back. He was starting to believe allowing two co-workers to engage in a relationship in his lab wasn't such a great idea.

It smelt like home. That's because it was home, Lindsay reasoned with herself. God, it was good to be back. How could she think New York was her home now...Oh, because of - No. No, she was not thinking about him again. The whole point of this trip was to get away from him. The taxi had slowed to a stop and it surprised Lindsay to look out the window and see what was before her. Her beautiful ranch stood before her in all its glory. The front door opened and there was her Mama, waiting to welcome her back with a knowing look on her face. She couldn't help it if the promise to bring Danny next time was broken. Oh well, it wasn't like they'd never know him, they just wouldn't meet him. Stories would have to do, and soon they'd get to know a whole different piece of him.

"Honey, I'm so glad you're home but where is this city boy that you promised you'd bring?" And just as that sentenced came out of her Mama's mouth, Lindsay collapsed in her arms and bawled. "Hey now, what's going on?"

"I got a broken heart," She managed to get out through her tears. So much for forgetting about him.

"Now, that's nothing your Daddy can't fix –"

"And I'm pregnant..."

And that was something he couldn't.

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