"Mister Lister, sir, you better come up here at once," Kryten announced over the com system.
Lister, deeply engrossed in a total immersion video game, reluctantly acknowledged the message.
"What do you suppose it is?" the cat asked.
"Unknown," Kryten answered.
"It could be some sort of missile, ready to explode at the first detection of another ship," Rimmer suggested.
"Unlikely sir. There are no other ships in the area. More likely it's some sort of deep space probe searching for intelligent life," Kryten responded.
"Well it's come a long way for nothing. Why don't they ever send out probes to find people with style? Then they would've hit the jackpot," Cat added his typical irrelevancy.
"I suggest we follow space corps directive 9113.45 on this one," Rimmer confidently commanded.
"I fail to see how inspecting all ship issued linen for Tolarian dust mites will help us," Kryten responded, much to Rimmer's dismay.
"Must you always-" Rimmer started to protest, before Lister, who had just entered the cockpit, interrupted.
"Hold on, I'm detecting a massive energy buildup," Lister announced.
"Confirmed," Kryten added after double checking the instrument readings. "It appears to be coming from the probe."
"If you need me, I'll be cowering under my bunk," Rimmer stated, bolting out of the cockpit.
"Kryten, power up the lasers. Cat, evasive maneuvers," Lister said, moments before a blinding burst of light engulfed Starbug. Immediately, everyone lost consciousness.
Several hours later, they awoke to find themselves in a large cavern, where enormous torches on the walls provided the only light. Water dripped from moss-covered walls, while a chilling breeze came from tunnels leading deeper into the unknown.
"What is this place?" Cat asked.
"Welcome to Diminitive Caverns," a deep, disembodied voice replied.
"Pardon?" Rimmer responded, confused.
"Diminitive Caverns, a game where the stakes are as great as its rewards," the voice replied.
"What exactly would the stakes be you're referring to?" Kryten inquired.
"Your very lives," the voice answered, with a sinister hint of amusement.
"What exactly have we done to deserve such an obviously fabulous, once-in-a-life-time opportunity?" Rimmer sarcastically, but worryingly asked.
"Luck. You just happened to come across one of my many probes scattered throughout the universe to find players. It's all part of the game," the voice responded.
"Luck?! You call a game where instead of simply being humiliated isn't enough, but rather death is the rule, lucky?!" Rimmer exclaimed.
"Bad luck if you look at it that way. But if you succeed, the rewards can be immense," the voice answered, now with obvious amusement.
"What rewards?" Lister asked.
"Yeah, what rewards? Like a new wardrobe?" the cat asked.
"You all are searching for something. Is that not true?" the voice speculated.
"Our ship, Red Dwarf," Kryten confirmed.
"Then if you win, the reward will be your ship," the voice replied.
"What about a new wardrobe?" the cat inquired.
"There are many smaller rewards awaiting you as well. If you can find them," the voice answered.
"How do we know if we've won?" Rimmer anxiously asked.
"If you're not dead, then you know you haven't lost," was the only reply. The owner of the voice was now clearly enjoying himself. "Now let's see what an appropriate difficulty setting should be. One barely-average human, one humanoid obsessed with vanity, one holographic life form devoid of all courage, and one low-end mechanoid. I'm afraid I don't have a setting low enough to even give you a chance."
"Good, then we'll be on our way," Rimmer replied with a false sense of relief, thinking of the probability they'd just be killed instead.
"What do you mean you don't have a low enough difficulty setting?" Lister protested, with wounded pride.
"Does this mean I'm not getting a new wardrobe," the cat added, showing what he was most concerned about.
"I resent being called a low-end model," was all Kryten could say before the voice interrupted.
"I shall give you another player, one that can at least give you a chance at the minimum difficulty setting," the voice said.
With that, a female humanoid appeared. She had a striking resemblance to Holly, Red Dwarf's computer, only with a complete body, instead of merely a disembodied head on a monitor. She wore a long white dress, and had long blonde hair instead of her normal short locks.
"The game begins now," the voice announced, fading away with a laugh.
Everyone just stood there and stared at the woman. Not only did she appear to be the physical form of Holly, but she was rather attractive; far more than the image they had come to know on the computer monitors. "If you're done staring at me, we have a game to play," were her first words.
"It's just we've been trying to get back to Red Dwarf for the last year without you. We've missed you," Lister sincerely replied.
"With this lot I'm not surprised," Holly responded, flaunting an air of superiority.
"What does she mean by that?" Cat wanted to know.
"Are you actually the computer from Red Dwarf?" Kryten inquired.
"In the flesh," was her response.
"How do we know she's not some spy, ready to sabotage any chance we have for victory?" Rimmer remarked.
"You certainly don't need me to do that for you," was her caustic reply.
"Listen, we really don't have much choice, do we? Either we play the game his way, or we'll probably be killed," Lister interjected.
"I have to agree with Mr. Lister. It is unlikely this entity will simply return us to Starbug if we refuse to play. However, I think we'd be more likely to die from just staying here and doing nothing until we starve to death, then simply being killed off," Kryten added.
"Then I don't see any reason why I should worry," Rimmer remarked smugly.
"I don't think he'd continue to supply power to your light drive either, should the rest of us die," Kryten challenged.
"Or, he might decide to leave you here, so he can torment you for as long as he could think up new and disgusting things to do to you. Maybe for thousands, or even millions of years," Lister gleefully added.
"Well, what are we waiting for?" Rimmer asked rhetorically.
They looked around. There were at least twenty tunnels leading out of the cavern. In addition, there were several deep pits, which might also be exits.
"We should split up into teams. Cat, you go with Holly and Rimmer. Kryten, you're with me," Lister suggested.
"You must be joking," both Holly and Rimmer simultaneously replied, while looking at each other with contempt.
"I don't think that would be a very good idea, Sir. For all we know these tunnels could teleport us to different locations. We may not be able to regroup," Kryten responded.
"I think that was the plan. Why else would he stick me with those two," Rimmer remarked, pointing to the cat and Holly.
"Funny, I was about to say the same thing," Holly said, not hiding her disdain for the hologram.
"Look, if we're going to get through this, we're going to have to work together," Lister demanded, as Holly and Rimmer exchanged glares.
"It might be a good idea to closely examine all possible exits, to see if there are any clues to where they lead," Kryten suggested.
"What if they're just illusions, and instead you get hit with a million volts of electricity, if you go anywhere near them?" Holly countered.
"That's true. But maybe the same thing will happen if we stay here too long," Kryten responded.
"In other words, if we leave, we could die. And if we stay, we could die," the cat added, which brought a nod of conformation from Kryten. "Then I say we just pick one, and go."
"I'm with the cat. If we worry about every step we take, we'll never get anywhere. We're going to have to take some chances. This is a game after all," Lister agreed.
"How do you propose we go about choosing a door?" Kryten asked.
"Cat, pick up a rock and spin in a circle while throwing it. The closest exit the rock lands by, is the one we'll take," Lister answered.
"Better yet, why don't we just spin the cat until he throws up, and then use his vomit instead," Rimmer quipped.
While they argued back and forth about how to decide which exit to take, Holly casually made her way towards one of the pits. "I'm going down here, anyone care to follow?" she remarked, growing tired of their antics.
"How can you be sure it's the right one?" Kryten retorted.
"If I had to keep standing around here listening to you guys go on about what pathetic method you're going to use, I don't think I'd be able to fight the urge to rip off my dress, and make a noose to hang myself with," was her witty reply.
"Now how could we use that to find an exit?" Rimmer shot back.
Holly began descending into the pit. After initial hesitation, the rest followed. "Finally," the disembodied voice rang out.
"Does he mean, Finally we've actually started? Or, finally we've screwed up so he can kill us?" Rimmer asked anxiously.
Lister, deeply engrossed in a total immersion video game, reluctantly acknowledged the message.
"What do you suppose it is?" the cat asked.
"Unknown," Kryten answered.
"It could be some sort of missile, ready to explode at the first detection of another ship," Rimmer suggested.
"Unlikely sir. There are no other ships in the area. More likely it's some sort of deep space probe searching for intelligent life," Kryten responded.
"Well it's come a long way for nothing. Why don't they ever send out probes to find people with style? Then they would've hit the jackpot," Cat added his typical irrelevancy.
"I suggest we follow space corps directive 9113.45 on this one," Rimmer confidently commanded.
"I fail to see how inspecting all ship issued linen for Tolarian dust mites will help us," Kryten responded, much to Rimmer's dismay.
"Must you always-" Rimmer started to protest, before Lister, who had just entered the cockpit, interrupted.
"Hold on, I'm detecting a massive energy buildup," Lister announced.
"Confirmed," Kryten added after double checking the instrument readings. "It appears to be coming from the probe."
"If you need me, I'll be cowering under my bunk," Rimmer stated, bolting out of the cockpit.
"Kryten, power up the lasers. Cat, evasive maneuvers," Lister said, moments before a blinding burst of light engulfed Starbug. Immediately, everyone lost consciousness.
Several hours later, they awoke to find themselves in a large cavern, where enormous torches on the walls provided the only light. Water dripped from moss-covered walls, while a chilling breeze came from tunnels leading deeper into the unknown.
"What is this place?" Cat asked.
"Welcome to Diminitive Caverns," a deep, disembodied voice replied.
"Pardon?" Rimmer responded, confused.
"Diminitive Caverns, a game where the stakes are as great as its rewards," the voice replied.
"What exactly would the stakes be you're referring to?" Kryten inquired.
"Your very lives," the voice answered, with a sinister hint of amusement.
"What exactly have we done to deserve such an obviously fabulous, once-in-a-life-time opportunity?" Rimmer sarcastically, but worryingly asked.
"Luck. You just happened to come across one of my many probes scattered throughout the universe to find players. It's all part of the game," the voice responded.
"Luck?! You call a game where instead of simply being humiliated isn't enough, but rather death is the rule, lucky?!" Rimmer exclaimed.
"Bad luck if you look at it that way. But if you succeed, the rewards can be immense," the voice answered, now with obvious amusement.
"What rewards?" Lister asked.
"Yeah, what rewards? Like a new wardrobe?" the cat asked.
"You all are searching for something. Is that not true?" the voice speculated.
"Our ship, Red Dwarf," Kryten confirmed.
"Then if you win, the reward will be your ship," the voice replied.
"What about a new wardrobe?" the cat inquired.
"There are many smaller rewards awaiting you as well. If you can find them," the voice answered.
"How do we know if we've won?" Rimmer anxiously asked.
"If you're not dead, then you know you haven't lost," was the only reply. The owner of the voice was now clearly enjoying himself. "Now let's see what an appropriate difficulty setting should be. One barely-average human, one humanoid obsessed with vanity, one holographic life form devoid of all courage, and one low-end mechanoid. I'm afraid I don't have a setting low enough to even give you a chance."
"Good, then we'll be on our way," Rimmer replied with a false sense of relief, thinking of the probability they'd just be killed instead.
"What do you mean you don't have a low enough difficulty setting?" Lister protested, with wounded pride.
"Does this mean I'm not getting a new wardrobe," the cat added, showing what he was most concerned about.
"I resent being called a low-end model," was all Kryten could say before the voice interrupted.
"I shall give you another player, one that can at least give you a chance at the minimum difficulty setting," the voice said.
With that, a female humanoid appeared. She had a striking resemblance to Holly, Red Dwarf's computer, only with a complete body, instead of merely a disembodied head on a monitor. She wore a long white dress, and had long blonde hair instead of her normal short locks.
"The game begins now," the voice announced, fading away with a laugh.
Everyone just stood there and stared at the woman. Not only did she appear to be the physical form of Holly, but she was rather attractive; far more than the image they had come to know on the computer monitors. "If you're done staring at me, we have a game to play," were her first words.
"It's just we've been trying to get back to Red Dwarf for the last year without you. We've missed you," Lister sincerely replied.
"With this lot I'm not surprised," Holly responded, flaunting an air of superiority.
"What does she mean by that?" Cat wanted to know.
"Are you actually the computer from Red Dwarf?" Kryten inquired.
"In the flesh," was her response.
"How do we know she's not some spy, ready to sabotage any chance we have for victory?" Rimmer remarked.
"You certainly don't need me to do that for you," was her caustic reply.
"Listen, we really don't have much choice, do we? Either we play the game his way, or we'll probably be killed," Lister interjected.
"I have to agree with Mr. Lister. It is unlikely this entity will simply return us to Starbug if we refuse to play. However, I think we'd be more likely to die from just staying here and doing nothing until we starve to death, then simply being killed off," Kryten added.
"Then I don't see any reason why I should worry," Rimmer remarked smugly.
"I don't think he'd continue to supply power to your light drive either, should the rest of us die," Kryten challenged.
"Or, he might decide to leave you here, so he can torment you for as long as he could think up new and disgusting things to do to you. Maybe for thousands, or even millions of years," Lister gleefully added.
"Well, what are we waiting for?" Rimmer asked rhetorically.
They looked around. There were at least twenty tunnels leading out of the cavern. In addition, there were several deep pits, which might also be exits.
"We should split up into teams. Cat, you go with Holly and Rimmer. Kryten, you're with me," Lister suggested.
"You must be joking," both Holly and Rimmer simultaneously replied, while looking at each other with contempt.
"I don't think that would be a very good idea, Sir. For all we know these tunnels could teleport us to different locations. We may not be able to regroup," Kryten responded.
"I think that was the plan. Why else would he stick me with those two," Rimmer remarked, pointing to the cat and Holly.
"Funny, I was about to say the same thing," Holly said, not hiding her disdain for the hologram.
"Look, if we're going to get through this, we're going to have to work together," Lister demanded, as Holly and Rimmer exchanged glares.
"It might be a good idea to closely examine all possible exits, to see if there are any clues to where they lead," Kryten suggested.
"What if they're just illusions, and instead you get hit with a million volts of electricity, if you go anywhere near them?" Holly countered.
"That's true. But maybe the same thing will happen if we stay here too long," Kryten responded.
"In other words, if we leave, we could die. And if we stay, we could die," the cat added, which brought a nod of conformation from Kryten. "Then I say we just pick one, and go."
"I'm with the cat. If we worry about every step we take, we'll never get anywhere. We're going to have to take some chances. This is a game after all," Lister agreed.
"How do you propose we go about choosing a door?" Kryten asked.
"Cat, pick up a rock and spin in a circle while throwing it. The closest exit the rock lands by, is the one we'll take," Lister answered.
"Better yet, why don't we just spin the cat until he throws up, and then use his vomit instead," Rimmer quipped.
While they argued back and forth about how to decide which exit to take, Holly casually made her way towards one of the pits. "I'm going down here, anyone care to follow?" she remarked, growing tired of their antics.
"How can you be sure it's the right one?" Kryten retorted.
"If I had to keep standing around here listening to you guys go on about what pathetic method you're going to use, I don't think I'd be able to fight the urge to rip off my dress, and make a noose to hang myself with," was her witty reply.
"Now how could we use that to find an exit?" Rimmer shot back.
Holly began descending into the pit. After initial hesitation, the rest followed. "Finally," the disembodied voice rang out.
"Does he mean, Finally we've actually started? Or, finally we've screwed up so he can kill us?" Rimmer asked anxiously.