A/N: Just a little silly something inspired by the holiday season. Wanted to write it a bit earlier, but I've had exams up until now, pretty much, so there was no time. Set in a True Blood-like 'verse (humans and vampires co-exist, relatively peacefully). But this is meant as a parody so don't take it too seriously.

Changes

"And you had no idea she was a vampire?" Joey asked between stuffing his mouth with a blueberry muffin, crumbs spraying everywhere. Chandler made a face as the scent of it reached his recently transformed sense of smell.

"If I had, I wouldn't have gone out with her," he said, then recoiled, surprised by the glares he received from the girls. Monica reached over the armrest of the armchair she was occupying to hit his arm. Chandler almost winced out of pure habit before he realized that it hadn't hurt. At all.

"Chandler, that's racist."

"What?" He glanced at the entire gang, holding out his hands to draw attention to his person. "I mean, look what happened."

The gesture wasn't effective as he would have wished, probably because physically, he didn't look any different. The two bite marks on his neck were the only indication of the transformation he had undergone the night before. Inside, he had already noticed some changes, however. All his senses had improved noticeably, and from what little he had read he knew that it was only going to become better (or worse, depending how you decided to see it). It wasn't only his senses, however, but his perception of them. The sight and scent of regular food was already making him nauseous.

Not to mention, his perception of color felt slightly...off. Everything seemed washed out somehow, but the contrasts between light and dark were almost unrealistically clear. The only color that stood out now was, naturally, red. It was bright, vibrant. Even alluring.

He felt more like he had been turned into a bull than a vampire, to be honest.

The girl who had turned him had been so apologetic she had almost cried. She was new, herself, and had apparently been overwhelmed with all the sensations. What little blood she had tasted from him had been delicious, she had told him. As if that would somehow be of any comfort to him.

That was all it took. One single bite.

Jeez.

"So," Ross said slowly, breaking the somewhat uncomfortable silence that had fallen among them. "Have you registered your new status yet?"

"Did this morning. They have an online service for it now." Chandler rolled his eyes. "They're gonna send an introductory package."

The law stated that, unless the person had a valid reason, he or she had to register a change in status within twenty-four hours after turning. Chandler had never really thought much about it, but now he thought the law did feel somewhat unfair. He would have to get a new passport now as well, just to get his physical status updated with the information. What was up with that?

"So what's it like?" Rachel leaned forward, looking oddly intrigued. "I mean, I've read a lot about it, but..."

Chandler eyed her warily. "Nothing like in my mother's books, if that's what you're asking." His voice came out a bit sharper than intended. Yeah, he really didn't want to think about his mother's books. Especially not right now.

Rachel held up her hands, sitting back on the couch again. "Fine. I was just curious."

He made a face at her; she made one back.

"So are you going out with her again?" Joey asked, licking his fingers off.

Chandler gave him an incredulous look. "Are you kidding? She turned me into a vampire."

Monica straightened. "You said she was really upset about it, poor girl."

"What about me? I'm never going to be human again. Poor me!"

"Don't be silly." Rachel reached to pat his arm. "You're still human. You just have... a condition."

"Can I see your fangs?" Phoebe asked.

Chandler considered storming out of the coffee shop, but a quick glance out of the windows revealed that the rain was still pouring down. He sighed, leaning back against the couch. It wasn't only the colors and scents; he would hear the heartbeats of all his friends, steady and strong and pumping beautiful, fresh blood into their arteries.

He blinked at the thought, then shook his head to try and rid himself of it.

"Do you think I could convince them to serve blood substitute here?" asked, mostly to distract himself. "I mean, most of the big chains serve it now."

"If they refuse, we could always write a petition." Phoebe looked almost excited by the thought. "Vampire rights are very important. In some ways it's like we're living in the stone age, still."

"Yeah," Chandler said, faintly, rubbing his forehead. Once he had started noticing the sound of heartbeats, it was difficult to block out.

"You alright?" Monica asked, and he looked up to her somewhat concerned face.

"Yeah," he said. "Just... vampire stuff, I guess."

She patted his hand comfortingly, and Chandler noted another vampire cliché that was false. He could still feel warmth.

That was something, at least.