Hello. I decided to give one shots a try. So here is my first one shot! Please let me know what you think of it and if you have any suggestions on what to write about, tell them and I try my best to make your wish come true! Enjoy.
Trigger Warning - mention of eating disorders!
It was again one of these nights, those nights who kept you awake even though the only thing you wanted was to sleep. But you couldn't, because your mind just didn't shut up.
This time though it was not filled up with random facts and peer reviewed articles, no, it was filled with self-doubt and self-hate. With disgust and sadness. It was filled with your darkest secret, the one you kept from everyone, even your parents, even your nanny, even your best friend.
Now, at the age of 35, you still carry that dark secret with you, because you thought it had gone away on it's own, but apparently it didn't.
The last time it had shown was about 10 years ago. When you wanted to be enough for your current boyfriend who then turned to be your fiance, who then turned out to be not the right one.
But now, it's back, and even though you don't want it to be true, you know exactly why it's back.
You want to be enough for someone. You want to be enough for her. Your best friend. Jane. Because she is perfect and you are not. Because she deserve so much better but you love her to death. Because she is your best friend and you are so deeply in love with her.
In the past few months you tried everything to make her clear that you are interested in her but she never really responded. She doesn't want you. She's too good for you. But you want to show her that you can change for her, that you can be enough for her.
That's why the dark secret is back. It's going to help you to be enough for her.
You get up and out of bed. It's 1.20 am and you didn't sleep one second yet. You make your way to the huge mirror in your closet. As you stand in front of it, you start to undress to your underwear, you have to. This way you can see every single imperfect bit about you, which is, to be completely honest, everything.
You look at yourself in the mirror, your face shows disgust, you turn and look back and stand up straighter. You start punching your flesh – stomach, thighs, arms, everything – until your sight is blurry. You are crying.
"No wonder she doesn't want me." you start to whisper at your own reflection. "Look at you. You are worth nothing. You are disgusting. You have to change!" you start to say it louder, clearer, so that you really understand it.
Now you frown at yourself, then you run to the bathroom, as fast as possible. Even though your last meal was 5 hours ago, you lean over the toilet and push two fingers down your throat until you start to choke, at that moment you are happy to live alone because you're not the quietest purger.
After a few minutes you start to vomit, you feel relieved. You need more than ten minutes until nothing is coming out of you anymore. You flush and go to the sink to wash your hands and your face, you look at yourself in the mirror, your mind is screaming. You just made it worse and you knew it.
Tears start to form in your eyes again, you can't help it, it just happens. And again, you are crying.
Slowly you make your way back into your bed, the clothes in the closet forgotten. You are laying down and you face the ceiling, trying to figure out how you can change your life into making it worthier.
"No breakfast, only lunch when you have to, no dinner." you say to the ceiling. "Lots of sport, jogging every morning and every evening."
It is the same plan you made at the age of 15 when it all started. But you never really succeeded. Yes, you lost a lot of weight, but not enough. Yes, people were noticing, but they didn't care. Yes, you looked thinner, but not thin enough. Just not enough.
Your goal? Perfect!
This time you wanted to do it without being controlled by numbers like you were before. This time no scale, no weighing food, no calories, no numbers. You can do it.
You started to feel more secure, and with that feeling you finally fell asleep.
The next day was just as planned, after waking up at 5, you went for a run which took you 45 minutes, after that you went into the shower, changed into a nice dress, high heels, did your hair and made everything to look like your usual self.
For breakfast you had a cup of coffee – black – then you made your way to work.
Even though your feet hurt, you kept walking around your office anyway. "Sport kills my fat," you always said to yourself – mostly in your head but sometimes it slipped out of your mouth.
Around 12.30 pm, Jane came downstairs to ask you if you want to go out for lunch.
"Thank you, Jane, but I am not really hungry right now. Maybe next time?"
"No problem, Maur. See you later?"
You nodded and she exited your office to go back upstairs.
The rest of the day wasn't eventful. Just lots of paperwork to do. At 6pm, Jane came downstairs again to ask you if you wanted to come join them at the Dirty Robber, you wanted to but you couldn't, you wouldn't.
"I'm sorry, but I have to cancel. I'm pretty tired and just want to go home and lay in my bed. You understand that, right?"
She did. So she went out with the guys and you went home with an empty stomach which was complaining because it was so empty.
"Stop it!" you muttered, but it didn't obey you, it had a mind of it's own.
Back home you went straight upstairs, did your usual night routine and went to bed. With your view to the ceiling you went through your whole day again and what you consumed... Three cups of coffee, two cups of tea and 1,5 liter water. Good girl!
You fell asleep.
...
...
The next few days went as good as the first one.
You cancelled every lunch with Jane, every evening in the Dirty Robber, you even said you couldn't be at Sunday dinner because you had an important meeting the other day in New York. So you spent two days in New York.
...
...
18 days later you looked into the mirror. You were wearing a blue dress, the one you liked so much. It used to fit you perfectly but now it was all lose. You didn't understand why because you couldn't see it. You couldn't see how much weight you've already lost. So you just changed clothes.
"Hey Maur, can we talk?" Jane came into your office – it was the 19th day.
"Hello Jane, of course, what's wrong?" you closed your laptop, stood up and walked to the couch, where Jane was now sitting. As you stood up, you ignored the dizziness, the blur, the nauseousness.
"I'm concerned about you." Jane said while fidgeting with her hands.
You looked confused at her, you didn't understand. "Why are you concerned about me, Jane?"
Jane frowned. "Just look at you. You got so thin, it's terrifying. I didn't see you eat one bite in almost a month. Are you even eating? What is going on with you, Maura? You know that you can always talk to be, you are my best friend and I am seriously very concerned."
"I'm not thin," you just muttered while shaking your head, that made Jane frown even more. She reached for your hand. You felt it. That spark. Those butterflies in your stomach. Wonderful.
"Sweetie, you are worrying me. If you continue this you will end in the hospital, you know that, right? Well, you have to know that cause you are a Doctor. Please, Maura. I want to help!"
Now you got mad. Why did you get mad? You don't know it. You just did.
"Don't be ridiculous, Jane. I'm absolutely fine!" You smiled. A fake smile. Or was it real? You weren't sure anymore.
"Okay, when you say you're fine, then come to the Dirty Robber with me tonight after work, yes? I missed you there, we all missed you there. Please?" Jane begged.
You didn't know what else to do so you accepted the invitation. One evening with food won't kill you right?
It was 8.30pm when Jane and you arrived at the Dirty Robber.
You missed it. You missed the atmosphere, the drinks, the guys, and especially you missed Jane.
It was an amazing evening. You are Kale, some french fries, took a bite from Jane's burger, drank two glasses of wine and then Ginger Ale. You laughed, played Darts and were happy after a long time of being too self absorbed to really enjoy anything.
But as soon as you said goodnight to Jane after she dropped you off at your house, the guilt washed over you. And just like the day before it all happened again, you run to the bathroom and purged until you were empty.
Then you began your night routine and in bed you promised yourself to never get carried away again. Never!
...
...
One month led to two led to three led to half a year. You barely are, only on Sunday dinners and even there you didn't eat as much as you used to.
You were a walking skeleton but you didn't see it.
Everyone was concerned but you didn't notice it.
You just wanted to be perfect, wanted to be enough.
But then it happened.
It was Monday morning and you had to get up to go for a run. You didn't feel good at all but you went running anyway.
Back at home everything was blurry and you felt like vomiting. Everything hurt and you couldn't stand nor walk.
You called at work to say you would stay at home because you didn't feel well. You curled into a ball in your bed and fell back asleep.
...
A few hours later you woke up to a noise coming from downstairs, thinking it was Angela you made your way down. But in the kitchen wasn't Angela, it was Jane, making something to eat which looked like normal toast with some fruits and a cup of tea.
"Jane what are you doing here? You should be at work."
She looked up at you. "I'm looking out for you. Maura, you remember the conversation we had a few months ago about you getting thinner and thinner? Well I thought it was only stress or something but dear, you don't look well at all. I know exactly that you don't eat much. I don't want to force you but Maur, I don't want you to go to the hospital."
"I'm fine, Jane." You said while rolling your eyes, at that moment you didn't even care about the hives you would get by lying.
Jane pushed a plate with two pieces of Toast and some fruits towards you. "Take a bite?" she plead and again you got mad.
You stood up from the chair you were sitting on but at that moment everything went black.
...
...
An annoying sound woke you up from your sleep. You looked up and noticed a foreign surrounding. Where were you?
"You're awake." A familiar voice said, you turned your head to the left which was hard because your head was pounding like crazy.
Jane was sitting next to you, her hand in yours, worry was written all over her face.
"What happened?" you whispered.
"When you wanted to stand up yesterday morning, you fainted and didn't wake up since then. I called the emergency immediately and they examined you. Maura, you have anorexia, the doctor said with signs of bulimia. Is that true? Where you restricting on purpose? Where you vomiting on purpose?"
You were too tired to deny it any longer so you just nodded, not meeting Jane's eyes until you were met with something wet on the hand Jane was holding. She cried. Silently. It was heartbreaking to watch.
"I'm sorry, Jane." you said.
"Why, Maura? You are so perfect. I just don't understand."
You would've laughed if you could have. "I'm not perfect at all Jane. I have so many flaws. I just... I just wanted to be enough.. for... for you. You are perfect Jane, and I am just a nobody. And I wanted to be enough for you because you mean everything to me." you confessed.
The tears were now streaming down both of your cheeks.
"You are perfect to me, you are enough to me, more than enough, Maura. And I love you sweetheart, you don't have to change one bit." She leaned down and kissed your wet cheek. It was perfect and it made you cry even more. "Please, try to recover, please!"
You nodded because you saw the honesty, the love, the concern in Jane's eyes. Because you saw that she wasn't only your best friend, that she was your reason. That's why you nodded.
...
...
Two months later
Jane waited outside. She was standing in front of her car, waiting for you.
You were still inside to say goodbye to everyone. Your therapists, the other patients, the pets. You would miss them but you were also happy to be released from the clinic. Two months. And you're on your way on getting better.
You still have to see a therapist two times a week but you can live at home. With Jane.
After they released you from the hospital you and Jane had a emotional weekend full of confessions, she confessed her love to you, you told her your dark secret. You smiled, she cried, and vise versa.
"Hey baby." Jane said as you walked out of the gate. She rushed toward you to take your suitcases. "Ready to go home?"
You nod and smile up at her, she smiles back, leans down and kisses your lips.
It is perfect. Everything is perfect. At least in that moment, but you know that even though you will have your relapses, you have someone worth fighting for.
...
The End.