I remember the day I decided. And I remember the day it happened. The day I left the real best thing in my life… For something I mistook for being just that.
My names Bou. And I was a famous guitarist. Once…
In the middle of my days as a guitarist for the band An Café, with Teruki, Kanon and Miku, I met a girl named Shion. I thought she was the most beautiful thing I'd even seen… I fell in love with her, and fell hard. It was so wonderful, you know; being in love, swimming in that glorious warm glow of paramour and amity. It was like walking in heaven and feeling the soft, warm hand of god keeping me warm and safe as I went on my journey through the clouds. I wish that hand hadn't left my shoulders…
No. No, I was a fool. I was a fool.
I mistook the devils clawed grip by god's gentle touch. A fool, I was.
The love me and Shion shared seemed beautiful. I went on tour and texted her every day and every night. She always wished me good luck each performance. At first. But it all changed when I got home from that very tour.
She told me she was fed up with me abandoning her for months on end, fed up with wondering how many girls threw themselves at me, and fed up with having to fight her way to me through my career. I told her I was sorry and that I would never cheat on her, but it just wasn't enough for Shion.
"You said you would marry one day!" She protested, scowling at me as she sat huddled up in the arm chair "You can't even be a decent husband to me of you are always at work! You can't be my husband either if we can't just go out together!" She growled "Every time we go out together you wear a wig and sunglasses!" Shion grabbed the pillow from behind her angrily and threw it at me "I don't want to go out with come under-cover-idiot, and I don't want to go out with BOU!" she shrieked at me.
I took a step back, feeling like she had punched me straight in the chest. She doesn't want to go out with me? What kind of way is this of ending a relationship with someone? I felt panic rumble through my brains as I processed her words and the conclusion on the meaning my head came up with.
"I-is…" I stuttered, swallowing hard "Your way of breaking up with me?"
"NO!" she yelled with annoyance "I mean I want to go out with Saitou! Not a hiding guy or a rock star…"
Shion's delicate, round face calmed and she gently got out the arm chair and strolled over to me slowly, swinging her hips, he head bent down and to the side, her eyes big and wide and staring into my own. She pouted her lips as she wrapped her arms round my neck and placed her face in front of mine. I remember always feeling a little odd when we were like that since Shion was 2 inches taller than me. I hardly ever realised it until I felt the urge to go on my tip toes slightly so I could kiss her better.
"I love you Sai" she purred sweetly before pressing her lips on my own "I love you so much" she whimpered against my lips.
I wrapped my arms round her waist as I whispered that I felt the same against her rosy lips. She deepened the kiss, pressing her chest against mine and massaging my neck and shoulders with her hand before wondering them to my buttoned shirt and beginning to release me from the material. I trailed my kissed away from her lips and down her neck before beginning to suck hungrily at her neck. Shion moaned before whispering to me.
"Do something for me…"
"Anything" I mumbled against her flesh.
"Leave the band"
I froze. The horror of the request froze to my bone marrow. I couldn't believe she had said what she just had. Leave the band? That would never ever be an option in my life! The band was my life… It was everything to me. To play my guitar as thousands of fans chanted my name, the band's name, was my idea of heaven.
I slowly pulled away from her, a hurt, confused look on my face.
"N-nani?" I whispered "Doushite?"
"Be with me" she purred "Be…" Shion paused "Make me a bride and stay with me." The black haired woman searched my face to only find hurt "I know I'm being selfish but… That's all I ask of you. The rest of our world you can decide on"
That conversation went on for a while. I'm not even sure if I remember half of it. I don't even remember how it ended really. I do know one thing though…
The next day I told Miku, Kanon and Teruki that I wasn't sure if I wanted to be part of An Café anymore.
"Are you kidding me?!" Miku yelled in fury "Why NOW? Why at all?!" Miku stomped round the studio, almost pulling out his own hair.
Kanon just stared at me sadly. Teruki sat on the dash board, fiddling with a dial.
"Miku-" I tried to explain but the raging singer started ranting again, still stomping round the room angrily.
"Our popularity is the highest it's ever been! And we're still climbing! Bou-" Miku pounced on me, pushing me against the wall and gripping my shoulders so tightly that I'd find dried blood and bruises later on that day... "We need you! You can't leave us now! We can't- It'll be the end of everything! We-! We…" Miku sighed, trying his best calm down but I could still see the fury in his eyes and the madness in his grip "An Café can't die yet…"
"Who said anything about An Café dying?" I asked meekly "It's only Bou that's dying…" I looked down the space between me and Miku "I guess it's time for Saitou to 'come back for the dead' " I forced myself to look back into Miku's angry eyes "You know?"
"I'm not sure if I do"
Miku let go of my shoulders, holding his head high. "Doushite? Why do you have to go now?"
I licked my lips and took a deep breath "I'm" A smirked crawled up my cheek "Me and Shion are getting married"
The room fell horribly silent.
"What" spat Miku.
"Really?!" Kanon spluttered, grinning straight at me.
"Congratulations, Saitou" Teruki said lightly now looking at me, a small smile on his lips
"Bou!" Miku yelled "He's Bou! As long as we are a band, he is BOU!" Miku turned back to "And what about us huh?"
I blinked at him, unsure of what to see.
"If you leave, that's it. That's the end of the band"
"Of course it isn't!" I argued "You can get a replacement"
Just saying the line sent a shiver down my spine. I never thought there would be a day where I would ask my band to replace me. But what else could I do? Miku was right, without me there wasn't a band. Unless they replaced me.
The whole room was silent. I swallowed hard and tried to act like it was no big deal.
"What? Other bands do it all the time…"
"But we're not 'other bands'…" Teruki pointed out weakly.
"Well, maybe it's time we were for once. Just once" I looked round at my three soon to be ex-band mates. "Just this onetime"
Miku folded his arms, his deathly glare shooting right at me, melting my insides like butter in a microwave. He slowly stepped back towards me, his head held high as if he was trying to increase his height.
"Want to know what I think?" he said flatly.
I gave the smallest nod, my eyes stuck to him as I waited for a reply.
Miku bent forward slightly, before hissing like a snake "You are one selfish" Miku gritted his teeth as his eyes became slits "son of a bitch" he spat at me.
"Excuse me?" I choked
Teruki and Kanon quickly began trying to lighten and tidy up the situation and atmosphere, blurting out the usual 'he doesn't mean that' and 'he's just upset' and so on. I shook my head sadly, my eyes falling to the floor.
"I'll do the next few concerts…" I told them quietly "Then I'll be gone"
No one said anything for a while. The silence was almost suffocating, but no one had anything to say. The only sounds were from another band in the building, practising across the hall. That and Miku's heavy, angry breathing. I thought about just throwing in a subject randomly but something told me that if anyone was going to change the subject, it probably shouldn't be me.
Miku sighed heavily, his back still to us all. Silence returned for a minute, before Miku broke it again.
"This session is cancelled." He grumbled "We'll carry on tomorrow" Miku grabbed his bag and began to head out the room.
"But, Mik-" Kanon was too late as the singer slammed the door behind him.
The three of us left without a word to each other. Simple nods of farewell 'til tomorrow were given, but no words were passed. I was the last to leave, slowly trudging through the practise halls and out the building in misery. I reluctantly climbed into my car and started the engine. I wasn't in the mind for driving; a walk seemed a lot more calming. With gritted teeth, I drove home, holding all road rage that bubbled inside of me when I was caught in the dreaded traffic of Tokyo. Since we are predicted to have the worst traffic in the world, I should probably be quite proud that I kept my temper the entire drive home. I did consider actually abandoning my vehicle on the side of the road, though, so I could walk home, but I thought it better to not.
Shion was so proud of me when I returned home. Some would probably say that this should have been enough for me; that I should have been satisfied with the fact that I'd made my lady happy. But, call me selfish, it wasn't. I regretted it so much. The prickly feeling that I'd made a decision too fast scratched my insides, but I knew it was too late now to do anything. Miku probably would accept me back if I changed my mind, and I was sure Shion would leave me or something. I was love with her and I didn't want to leave her. Apparently I loved her so much, I gave away my band, my friends, my life for her.
I went to the horrid, awkward practise sessions and still put in my best effort and more at the remaining concerts. Teruki and Kanon were, of course, disappointed at my leaving still, but treated me no different, maybe better than usual since our time playing together was numbered. Miku carried on giving me the cold shoulder. That was, until the last show.
"Good luck on your last concert!" Shion squealed far too happily for my liking. "No more cross dressing" she laughed.
I gave a nervous laugh and agreed, all so false to my real opinions. I was actually going to miss wearing skirts and Alice shoes…
I stood out on that stage, looking out on my final audience. These would be the last people who would ever see Bou; and Bou wanted it to be worthy of a final performance. Bou, I mean I, played to his, my best. I smiled as hard as I could as I held back tears, but it wasn't long before they began to fall. I span round and round as I strummed my beautiful guitar, tears falling and a true smile on my face. Adrenalin began to pump through my veins and for a while I forgot everything. It was just another performance and I was putting my all into making the audience scream and making our music sound as amazing as it did on our albums.
Then the music stopped and I remembered what was happening. Miku became very serious as he stood bravely in front of the crowd, his face looking so sad it was breaking fan's hearts in mini seconds.
"This is the final live for Bou today…" He began "So…" Miku turned to me, his face softer then I had seen it for months. With a weak smile, he pointed a hand to the microphone and stepped back.
I strolled over, taking a deep breath and wiping the tears from eyes. I smiled as best as I could as I stepped up to the microphone. My heart raced and my eyes quickly began to refill, threatening to spill down my cheeks at any second. I took the microphone from its stand gently, still unsure of what I would say. I was going to begin, but a sob trapped its self in my throat. I gritted my teeth, mentally swearing at the threatening tears before I began.
"I'm Bou… The guitarist of An Café" As soon as I finished the introduction, the tears began to stain my cheeks. I panicked and tried to carry on, but only managed to tremble out a pointless "really".
I strolled round the stage and forced myself to stay as relaxed as I could. 'Just say how you feel…' my head told me.
"I am so happy that I have been able to be part of Antic Café. It has been true happiness doing it" I sighed "Truly, being able to play guitar in this group…" I shook my head sadly as Shion popped into my head "There is nothing that could make me happier"
I turned my back to the crowd as I looked at my wonderful band mates that stood behind me. They all looked utterly miserable, but every single one of them held brave, encouraging, reassuring smiles for me; even ice cold Miku.
"I am so happy that I could be with these three" I gave a shaky smile "Thank you so much… Everyone."
I turned round to face the crowd and gave a final thank you, before placing the mic back on its stand. I sighed and walked away, passing Miku purposely. I light shone in side of me and he smiled at me, properly, for the first time in so long.
I finished the performance releasing only a few stray tears which I quickly brushed away hoping no one noticed. As if it was possible not to be noticed crying when a crowd of 2 million are staring at you…
I found it painful to walk off that stage knowing it was the last one I'd see. When I got off the stage, I received a gift and pain together.
Miku ran up from behind me, pulling me into a tight embrace, his head pushing against my shoulder as his arms tightened themselves round me.
"I hate you…" he grumbled "I hate you so, so much I want to die"
"Milk-chan…"
Miku slowly let me go, releasing the breath he had held as hug me tight, allowing me to turn round to face him.
"I really do hate you" he confessed.
"I know…" my eyes drifted to the floor as I softly spoke "I hate me too." I truly did and I truly do.
"I hate Shion too"
My eyes slowly rested back to him, not in shock but in understanding "I thought you would"
"I don't know who I hate more" he continued through gritted teeth "Her for putting the idea in your stupid head or you for going through with it"
My eyes drifted away, again, in guilt. I heard Miku sigh heavily, before saying in a softer tone "You must really love her"
"I do" I whispered
"More than this band"
"It's not like that-"
"Yes it is" Miku shook his head almost in defeat "'Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter anymore"
Our eyes met, my weak gaze and his scowl.
"We have found a replacement"
Even now, we I think of him saying those words, my heart breaks again… I don't want to remember him saying it, and I don't want to remember him walking away and refusing all communication with me ever since. I don't want to remember anything.
Two months later, Shion and I got married. I smiled the whole ceremony. It felt like such an honour to have this gorgeous woman, now with bleach blonde hair that tousled to her shoulders, as my wife. If only that marvellous feeling had remained, instead of dying to dramatically and suddenly.
Without the band, I had no escape from reality and Shion. I started teaching guitar and piano lessons to children 3-12 as a job so music could still be my life. I feel satisfied doing this job, knowing that I might be teaching the next guitarist of a future amazing rock band or something. The money isn't great, but I'm happy job-wise.
Shion and I had been married just 6 months when things began to take a turn for the worst. It seems nothing was good enough for her. She became one of those stereotypical wives; and I hated it with every bone in body right down to the fucking marrow.
"Can't you find another job?" she sayid just months after applauding me for that career
"Can't you take me out for dinner for once?" she says just a week after we went out to dinner with her sister, Maki… I really did't like Maki, or her stuck-up Finnish husband Julien. Just the thought of Julien's annoying accent irritates me.
"Why don't you do something for once?" she says after I had spent the entire day lumbering after in a shopping spree. I bought nothing that day, by the way.
And so on!
Compliments and showing affection were off the table. I'm not sure how, but I irritated her. I know for a strong fact that she more than irritated me. It wasn't long before all her little quirks that I had once found irresistibly cute, became disgusting or annoying. This was when I finally managed to rip away the layer of skin that had grown across my eyes called love, allowing me to see Shion for what she really was; a spoilt, bitch of a woman, who I doubt ever really loved me. She was just possessive, and I was just an item. The memory of how I'd felt the urge to literally give her my heart makes me sick and upset all at once.
It was all a big mistake. It truly was the biggest mistake of my life. Now here I am, living alone in an almost empty apartment. My bed room has only my bed and a set of drawers with my clothes stuffed in it, my kitchen has only got a toast and the cupboards are almost bare and the fridge only holds half a bottle of milk and bowl of cherries. My living room as a sofa and television and boxes are piled up in a corner waiting to be unpacked. In the 18 months I've lived here, I have never unpacked them. They've hardly been touched.
I'm slowly getting used to a 'normal' life, even though every day I am reminded of what I was stupid enough to give away. Every time I turn on the radio, every time I turn on the television, every time I walk down the street, I see An Café; and my replacement. I don't even know Takuya, but yet I can't stand him. He took my position. Then again, I had actually requested from the band to replace me. I just can't handle the fact that they actually did. I can't handle what is my own doing. I should hate Takuya, as he's done nothing at all. The person I can hate is me…
They have another member too, Yuuki. He's the keyboardist, but for some reason or other, I don't like him either. The fact that he is there makes me feel officially disconnected with the band I started. I guess I deserve to be forgotten, since I threw everything away so easily. I didn't even fight for it.
Now I'll never get it back.