The word is blurry on his wrist. Maybe, he thinks, it's because it's already fading.
But then he blinks, and two tears run down his cheek, clearing his vision. One of them immediately falls into his lap while the other one dangles at his chin, waiting to be swept away.
But Magnus can't move. He doesn't have the energy to lift his hand and wipe away the tears. All he can do is sit there and stare. Sometimes at his wrist, sometimes at the empty chair in front of his, sometimes at nothing in particular.
It's not fading at all. It's still on his skin, tattooed in black ink. It has been two weeks, but nothing is happening. He knows it will disappear eventually. But he doesn't know how long it will take. At times like these, he wonders if it is ever going to fade at all due to his immortality. And if he's going to continue this immortal life, he doesn't need a daily reminder of the biggest failure of his life. And he has lived a very long life.
He makes a fist, moving his eyes from the word to his long fingers. They look skinnier without his rings on. Or maybe it's because he hasn't been eating. His nails are unpainted and here and there is some dried up blood from biting them off too short. But he doesn't bother cleaning them.
Magnus closes his eyes and lets out a long, shivering sigh. He knows that this isn't what Alec wants for him. He knows Alec wants him to get up, put on his best clothes and move on.
But he just can't.
Clary and Isabelle call him occasionally, but he never picks up. He never heard from Jace, but that doesn't really bother him. Even Maryse had showed up at his door once, but he hadn't opened it.
"It's not your fault, Magnus," she had said after knocking for the fourth time. But Magnus couldn't bear looking Alec's mother in the eye. So he had pretended he wasn't home, perfectly aware that Maryse knew better. But then she had left, and she never came back.
He knows it's selfish. He knows Alec was more than just his boyfriend. He was a son, a brother and a friend, and Jace's Parabatai for God's sake. He knows that he didn't have the right to feel worse than them, but he had loved him so much. He still does.
And it's not like he has never lost lovers before. He has lost plenty. But losing a lover isn't even half as painful as losing a soulmate.
Magnus opens his eyes again and they immediately fall on the word on his wrist.
Magnus!
When he was younger - hundreds of years younger - he didn't understand why his own name was on his arm. It was just… there. After years of wondering, he had learned that it was the last word his soulmate would ever say to him.
Many people had yelled out his name before. Usually out of fear or anger. Sometimes it was frustration, sometimes joy. But when Alec did it, Magnus knew that that was it. And instead of helping him, he had stood there, doing absolutely nothing. He was completely frozen. All he could do was watch how the demon washed over him like a 16 foot wave, drowning him in nothing but darkness.
Magnus!
There was nothing left of him.
Isabelle and Jace don't have one either. Now Magnus knows it's because they will die before their loved ones will. It's easier for them, Magnus thinks, because they will never have to go through what he is going through right now. What Simon had to go through one year ago. What Clary will have to go through in the future.
Clary's tattoo says It's okay; she will most likely be there when Jace dies. Simon's tattoo is in Spanish. And because he is a vampire, Magnus wonders if his tattoo is ever going to fade as well. No me olvides, it says. Those were the words that came out of Raphael's mouth before he died. Don't forget me.
Beautiful last words in Magnus' opinion. Exactly the words Magnus wanted to hear from Alec. But all he got was a deafening cry filled with immense fear. A cry that had begged for his help. A cry that still echoes through his mind.
Magnus!