a/n: This is a sequel of sorts to Under the Blood Red Moon. While that story took place when Rick was 11, this story takes place present day. Thank you to those of you who have read and reviewed the other story…I will send you messages soon! I hope you all enjoy this new one and don't mind waiting a little bit longer for the other stories. I couldn't get this one out of my head! Thanks to burningxredxcaskett for reading it through for me!
He gasps for breath as he tears himself from the nightmare. He's freezing, yet there is sweat dripping from his forehead onto his pillow.
Her hand comes up and rests on his back. It anchors him back to reality. Back from the demons of his dreams. Back from thoughts of blood.
The glow of the blood red moon creeps through the windows, illuminating the concerned look on his fiancée's face.
"Babe?" her voice is laced with sleep, but when he meets her eyes, they're alert, all-knowing, all cop. His cop. His Kate.
She sees him. More than anyone else ever has. He melts into her, burying his face into her chest, wishing he could hide here with her forever.
Her fingers tangle into his hair, brushing gently.
He clings to her as though his life depends on it. It does in a way. She's his solid ground. His North Star. The woman he loves more than life itself. She's going to be his wife and she deserves to know. She has the right to decide if she can live with his deepest secret.
"Rick, you're scaring me. What's wrong?" Apparently his silence has been deafening.
He sighs and pulls his head up to look at her. His stomach clenches as he fights back the fear. The fear that this will change everything. The fear that she'll never look at him the same way again. Gripping fear.
"This has been happening more and more since they found you. Do you remember what happened? Are you having nightmares?"
Her questions are met with silence as he works himself up to what he has to admit.
When he finally speaks, his words are whispered so quietly she has to strain to hear them.
"There's something I have to tell you."
He feels her stiffen under his touch, but she doesn't pull away.
"No, it's not - I mean..." he runs a frustrated hand through his hair. He's an author. Words are supposed to be his specialty. "I don't remember what happened while I was gone. It's not that. It's something that happened a long time ago. When I was a kid." He's rambling now, but Kate has relaxed slightly. She's now looking at him with concern and her cool hand has found its way into his.
"Just tell me," she says, eyes pleading with him to open up. To share his burden with her.
He lets out a hollow laugh. It sounds distant, even to his own ears.
"I'm so ashamed," Rick admits, avoiding her eyes now. He doesn't want to see the look on her face when he tells her. When she realizes what a terrible human being he really is.
She squeezes his fingers. "Rick, whatever it is, whatever happened, we'll face it together."
She sounds so sure, so certain, and he hates that he's about to ruin everything she's ever thought of him.
"When I was in boarding school," he begins.
Kate's quiet as he tells his story. He doesn't look at her as he talks, instead chooses to focus his gaze on the slight pull of thread on his pillow case. When he gets to the part where he admits what he saw, she gasps and he can't keep his eyes from hers any longer.
What he sees catches him off guard. She doesn't look angry, or disgusted. Instead her eyes are filled with pity. Pity for the boy who saw something that scarred him for life. Pity for the man who has been carrying around this burden on his own all these years.
As he finishes the story, he sees a tear skating it's way down his fiancée's face. He doesn't realize his own face is wet until Kate swipes the tears from his cheeks.
He looks down again. "Kate, listen. I understand if this changes how you view me. If it changes - "
"Rick," she interrupts, harshly and he freezes at the tone of her voice. "Do you honestly think this changes anything?"
He shrugs. "It should."
"Why?"
"Why?" he demands, pushing himself up to a seated position. "Why? I left her there. I left her there, defenseless. They probably never found her. Her family was probably searching for her. But I left her there. I didn't tell anyone. I should have - "
"What? You should have what, Rick?" She pushes herself up next to him and grabs his face in her hands so he's forced to look into her hazel eyes that are shining with tears. "You think you should have confronted that man? You think you should have told someone? You were a child. A child who saw something no one should ever see. You were a child," she repeats.
He hears her, he does, but he can't quite believe it. He knows this woman, so her kindness shouldn't surprise him, but it does. She surprises him every day. He's horrified with what he did, so she should be too. But, she's not. She doesn't blame him. Not in the slightest.
"It's a blood red moon tonight," Kate says after a beat of silence. "That's why you had the nightmare tonight, isn't it?"
Rick nods. "That and - " he pauses.
She searches his face, looking for the rest of his words.
"When I saw that man, when I got the SD cards, he reminded me."
Kate narrows her eyes in question, but does not speak. She waits, giving him time to formulate his thoughts.
He heaves out a sigh, frustrated once again with his lack of ability to formulate coherent thoughts or even understand himself what he's trying to say.
"I told him. But I don't remember telling him. Apparently I told him so I would know to believe him. But I don't understand. Why? Why would I tell him about that of all things? I don't understand, Kate."
He looks like a wounded child, his eyes sparkling with tears and radiating confusion.
It breaks her heart.
He has absolutely no idea. About any of it.
Kate closes her eyes and prays for the strength to help her fiancée through this. She can't imagine keeping this secret for so many years. The number of nightmares he's woken from, the things he's seen. She's been a homicide detective for awhile now, but to see someone cut into pieces, as a child, she can't even imagine.
And her sweet, wonderful, amazing husband-to-be thought it would alter her perception of him. As though anything really could. Even when Esposito didn't think she should trust him, her gut knew. She knew he would never do that to her, to his family. She knows him. She knows how much he values words, so she tries her best to reach him. To comfort him.
"Rick. I know you, better than anyone. You told him your secret for a reason. You wouldn't have done so otherwise. You wanted the reassurance that whatever it is that happened to you would stay buried. For your protection or ours, I'm not sure. But I am sure there's a reason behind it. You're a protector by nature. You would do anything for those you love, and there is no doubt in my mind that you fought with everything you had to get back to us. To keep us safe. You told that man so you would know to trust him - "
"He didn't seem very trustworthy," Rick interrupted.
Kate nodded. "That may very well be true, but, whatever it is, you told him your deepest secret. That has to mean something. But I would be willing to bet that the reason you're thinking about this now is because he mentioned it to you. It's at the forefront of your mind. And between that and the blood red moon tonight, it makes sense. But the good thing is, you're not alone in this anymore. You don't have to carry the burden of that memory by yourself." She strokes a calming hand over his chest and watches as he closes his eyes and relishes in her touch.
"Thank you, Kate. Really."
She shrugs and folds herself into his embrace. "I didn't do anything," she murmurs into his chest.
Rick is silent a few moments, and with the way his breathing has evened out, Kate wonders if he's fallen asleep.
"You did," he says finally. "You believed me. And you're not letting my secret scare you away."
She turns to face him. "Rick, when are you going to realize? I'm not going anywhere. You promised me always, and I intend to hold you to it."
He smiles, his dimples appearing, and the light of the moon reflects off of his sapphire blue eyes. "I love you."
"I love you too. We're going to figure this out, Rick. I promise. We're going to figure out what happened to you during those two months. We're going to find whoever's behind this. We're going to figure it out." She murmurs the last part so quietly it's almost to herself.
But he hears. And it fills his heart with a hope he didn't realize had been lacking.
"Together?" he asks as he wraps his arms around her and pulls her close.
"Together. Always."