AN: Still searching the old files, this one was written in 2004, and it shows.
NOT WHAT IT SEEMS…
By Nettie
Slowly Harm opened one eye; the fluorescent numbers on his digital clock told him he still had an hour before the alarm would blare. He turned over and saw her lying there. Here she was, finally, asleep in his bed. After all their years of friendship, Sarah McKenzie was his lover. 'I love you,' he whispered. He slid over behind her and wrapped his arm around her, gently he kissed her bare shoulder, again and again and again. This was his dream coming true. Harm closed his eyes and BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.
'Darn it,' he thought, 'just a few more minutes.' But the alarm was persistent as he reached out Harm realized that he was in bed alone. Blinking several times, he shook his head, his outstretched arm felt across the bed, it was cold, there hadn't been anyone there. Mac being in his bed was just a dream. He lay there in the early morning light disappointed, yet again.
In the shower, hot running water streamed over his body and curls of steam rose to fog up the mirror. Whilst the water was relaxing his body, his mind was anything but. The Sanderson verdict was being handed down and Harm knew his defence was near perfect and although nothing was ever a sure thing, he was extremely confident. The prosecution had failed on several fronts to prove Sanderson's guilt and no jury, he felt, could convict.
It was 0930 when Harm's confidence was dealt a blow. Standing next to his client, the jury foreman began, 'On all counts, this jury finds Corporal Adrian Sanderson guilty as charged.' Harm was stunned. 'The court records a guilty verdict. The prisoner will be held in custody until sentencing on Friday. Court adjourned.'
As the bailiff approached to take Sanderson into custody, he turned to Harm, eyes wide with fear. 'But, Commander, you said we had a good case. You said we'd win. You said…' The bailiff removed the prisoner from the court and Harm found the silence in the courtroom deafening.
Returning to his office, he waited by the lift, thoughts racing through his head. What was it that he did wrong? What had he missed? How could such a prosecution prove anything? Then Harm's thoughts turned to Mac, why is it that he couldn't let her go but he couldn't make a commitment, what was it that he was scared of? And who was this Lieutenant (J.G) Harrison James that was supposed to be her client in a simple drink driving case but who was spending a lot of time with her both in and out of the office? Who did she think she was going after a junior officer, apart from everything else, it was against regs?
By the time the lift doors open Harm was furious. The day was not supposed to be going this way. He leant against the back wall waiting for the doors to close and shut his eyes, closing the world out. 'A penny for your thoughts?' asked a familiar voice. He waited, counting slowly. Harm opened his eyes and said nothing.
'Oh,' remarked Mac, 'not talking, that's a bad sign.'
With that Harm let loose with all his pent up emotions, at that moment every problem he had was Mac's fault and he launched an unexpected and cruel tirade. Still in full voice, Harm hadn't realised they had reached their floor and only stopped when the doors slid opened. It then dawned on him Mac hadn't said a word; she hadn't interrupted or interjected, which was quite unlike her.
'Mac?' he called after her. Mac took a few steps and turned to face him. She said nothing but the tears in her eyes and the look of bewilderment and betrayal spoke volumes.
Mac went into her office and Harm knew by the slamming door their 'discussion' was over. He stood in the corridor not really knowing what to do. He felt sick to his stomach, he couldn't fathom what had come over him. The tirade had been ill directed and now, a few minutes later, he was at a loss even as to what he had said – it had all just poured out. All he knew was he had hurt Mac, the look on her face not one he was likely to forget.
The day dragged on with both avoiding each other, Harm restricting himself to his office. He was embarrassed and ashamed and knew his actions were unforgivable. There was no-one around he could talk to so he sat and worked in silence. At about 1600 Harriet entered his office and it was obvious she had some idea as to what happened.
'The Ashley File you requested, Sir' she said in an abrupt manner.
'Ah, thank you Harriet,' replied Harm. She turned to leave, 'Harriet!' Harm called after her.
'Yes, Sir?' came the response.
'I just wanted to ask if Mac …' started Harm but Harriet cut him off.
'Sir, for the record, I don't want to be put in the middle of anything between you and Colonel MacKenzie. But permission to speak freely?' she questioned.
'Yes, of course Harriet,' Harm's replied.
'The Colonel told me some what you said. I can't believe you could have been so unreasonable and cruel. With everything going on in her life, how could you say such things? You are supposed to be her friend. I thought, obviously incorrectly, that you may even, at some level, love her, but you proved that wrong. I haven't seen Colonel MacKenzie so upset in a long time, she sat in her office for at least fifteen minutes in tears. Here she is, waiting for the blood test results to come back, not knowing how she'll react to them and you dump all this on her.' Harriet was on a roll but Harm cut her off.
'Blood test results, what blood test? What's wrong?' Harm suddenly felt very scared, what had he done? Why hadn't he known?
'The blood test that she…' Harriet stopped, Harm had no idea what she was talking about. She knew he had been so caught up in himself lately he hadn't any time for anyone else. Let him stew, she thought. 'No, I'm sorry. I won't discuss a friend's personal difficulties with an outsider and at this moment that's what you are.' With that Harriet turned and left, ignoring Harm's pleas to give him the full story.
For the second time that day Harm's mind was racing. His own performance that day had been less than chivalrous but this news about blood tests had thrown him for a loop. And Harriet's remark about him being an outsider was cutting but deserved. He picked up the phone to call Mac's office but the staffer answering it told him she had left an hour ago, going home sick. He put the phone down to contemplate his next action. Picking up the phone again Harm dialed Mac's number, he needed to hear her voice, to apologise, to beg forgiveness. He got her voice but it was the answering machine, he tried to formulate a message but when he heard the beep he hung up. He needed to see her.
Harm reached Mac's apartment at 1810 and knocked once, twice, three times - there was no response. Maybe she was asleep, or in the shower, or looking through the peephole and realizing it was him deciding not to open the door. He stood in the hall for another ten minutes and then knocked again. Louder and longer, but the response was still the same. He felt in his pocket, on his key ring he still had the emergency key for her apartment. He retrieved it and held it to the lock deciding what to do. After recent events he knew he couldn't trust his judgment – it had failed him all day.
The desire to see Mac was overwhelming. Slowly he inserted the key, turned it, and entered the apartment.
'Mac? Mac?' he called checking the other rooms. But there was no response and he sat on the couch. The minutes felt like hours, he could see the light fading outside. Where was she? At the doctor's? Out with Harrison James? Where? He rested his head against a cushion and drifted into a fog. Soon he felt a hand on his arm, 'Harm, Harm, wake up. What are you doing here?' she asked. He opened his eyes and realizing she was home jumped to his feet.
'Mac, oh, Mac, I'm so very sorry. All those things I said to you in the lift, they were terrible I don't know why I said them; I didn't mean to hurt you. You'd done nothing to deserve it and I am so very, very sorry. You can't imagine how bad I feel, especially when Harriet told me…' Mac stopped him in mid-sentence with a long, lingering kiss. The thought that this wasn't the response he expected didn't cross his mind; he was too busy kissing her back. Slowly he stroked the back of her hair, 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,' he whispered to her.
He closed his eyes and when they opened again he realized that he was still lying on the couch, it had been a dream. Mac had come home and was standing watching him, with her was Harrison James. They did not seem pleased to see him there.
'What do you think you're doing here? Harrison demanded. 'How did you get in? Gee, you've got a nerve. Can't believe you'd show your face after your efforts today. You may be an officer but you're certainly no gentleman."
Harrison made his way over to Harm, who stood up from the couch. For a moment Harm thought Harrison might take a swing as he had clenched his fists but instead Harrison pushed him back onto the couch.
'You're not worth the hassle,' he mumbled, heading for the kitchen.
Through this, Mac continued to stand in the doorway, saying nothing. She turned and opened the door again.
'Leave,' was her only word. Harm stood, there was so much he wanted to say, so much he wanted to know.
'No Mac, I can't leave. I need you to know how very sorry I am. I am utterly disgusted in my outburst today. It was inappropriate and unwarranted. You are your own person and are free to associate with anyone you wish. It has nothing to do with me. I am so sorry. I care so much about you and I can't believe I made you feel so bad. I haven't been acting as a friend lately, I've been caught up in my own things, I haven't been there for you and then I say those horrible things.' He stopped to take a breath and waited for a response, but none came. 'I am very sorry, I can't apologise enough. I don't expect you to forgive me, I just want you to know it was all me, not you. I shouldn't have done anything to add to your, your … problems. You didn't need me hassling you. I just hope that you are alright and that one day, maybe, we can be friends again.'
Harm walked towards the door, he couldn't apologise any more and he had nothing left to say. 'Problems' replied Mac, 'what problems do I have?' Mac had spoken to him and Harm felt this was a good sign.
'Well, you left sick today and…' Harm began.
'Yes, I was sick of you and your self-righteous babblings,' Mac shot back.
'And Harriet said something about blood tests and…' continued Harm.
'What else did Harriet say?' asked Mac in a voice that Harm had not heard before.
'She said a lot, the gist of it being that I was unreasonable, irrational, bad-tempered and unjust and that I had no right to consider myself a friend. But I do consider myself a friend – obviously not a good one - but I want to be,' Harm replied, guilt etched in his features..
Harrison entered the room, aware of the tension. He stood next to Mac and offered to throw the idiot out. Mac linked her arm through Harrison's and walked to the table. She declined his offer and sat down. Harm sat in the next chair and put his hands on hers, she didn't retract them and Harrison didn't object.
'The blood test. You want to know about the blood test do you?' Mac said with a great smile spreading across her face, Harrison had a matching grin and Harm's heart began racing. He felt full sure that the next words out of her mouth would change his life.
Harm was relieved at the explanation, happy for Mac but relieved nonetheless. The blood tests had been DNA ones. Mac had been reading Harrison's personnel file when she noticed discrepancies in his personal details. When she brought this to his attention, he was less than clear in his answers. His birthplace, schooling, parents names, addresses were sketchy, and it was if he had guessed them when filling in the forms. Whilst these details had nothing to do with the case there was something about them that had caught her attention.
After spending nights reading and rereading the file, it hit her suddenly the name, the dates the areas. They fitted into her mother's escape path or what she knew about it. Could it be possible that this young man was her brother? She had gone to Harm to seek his assistance, hoping he would return the favours for her help in the search for his father and then with Sergei. But Harm had been too busy and fobbed her off before she could get the details out.
So, before sharing her findings with her client, who may well think his attorney a trifle insane for spending time in genealogical research when she was supposed to be preparing a defence, Mac called Harriet into her office and asked for advice. Between the two of them they scoured birth records, local papers, phone books looking for her mother – could she find her, could she speak to her if she did find her. The breakthrough only took a matter of days and Harrison's birth record was put onto her desk. It listed her mother and an unknown father. In her mind there was no doubt this was her brother.
When Harrison entered her office she explained everything. The matching details, the search and the conclusions she had drawn. 'To sum it all up,' she had said, 'I think you're my brother. I have tried to locate my mother but I'm not having much luck – and I really don't know if I want to talk to her even if I could find her. I cut her out of my life years ago and I'm not ready to have her back.' The young man sat stunned and silent, here he was for a drink driving defence and it looked like he was going to get so much more. It was Harrison who suggested DNA tests as a way of avoiding Mother, for he too had no ties and no will to re-establish them. It had felt like forever between the nurse taking blood and today, getting the results, which did indeed confirm they were half-brother and sister.
Harm looked at Mac, then Harrison and then Mac again.
'So, you're not, you're not …' he began, 'you're not sick?'
'No, I'm fine, thanks,' Mac replied.
'And you're not pregnant?' Harm continued.
'Pregnant? No, how on earth would I be pregnant? It's been…' Mac stopped, 'Oh, too much information.'
'I am happy for both of you,' he said kissing her on the cheek and shaking Harrison's hand. 'I am just so sorry that I spoiled your day by being selfish and, well, a jerk,' remarked Harm as he stood to leave.
'Wait,' Mac said, 'where are you going?'
'I'm going home to put this day behind me. To let you two celebrate and go through the photo albums and do some catching up. Once again, I am so sorry,' and with that he left.
Later that night he lay in bed in the silent darkness, he reached out and touched the pillow opposite. For a day that had begun so well, with such hope, it had turned out so badly. And to top it all off it had been his birthday and no one had remembered.