Email: supernatural/angst/
Rated: T for language
Disclaimer: Supernatural isn't mine. It and everything in it belongs to lucky old WB.
Summary: Tag for Heart. There was nothing he could say this time to make it better. Dean has to deal with Sam after Madison.
Authors note: This is totally unbeta'd so the bad grandma and speeling mistakes are all mine. Sorry
Dean was torn.
One half of him wanted to follow Sam to stop him doing something he knew he'd regret for the rest of his life, the other half knew it was something Sam HAD to do or regret for the rest of his life. Either way, the kid couldn't win.
Sam had asked him to wait so Dean waited, staring at the doorway with his heart in his mouth. As he stood there, a single tear dropped from his eyelashes making a mockery of the impassive expression he wore, threatening to undermine the strangle hold he had on his emotions. He couldn't fold now, not in front of Sam; not when Sam was so close to folding himself.
The sudden roar of a gunshot ripped through the tense silence making Dean flinch.
"Just wait here."
Sam's plea echoed in his head.
When after a couple of minutes there was no sound, Dean tentatively stepped into the room. Sam was standing in the corner facing the wall, his forehead resting against the cool plaster. Dean glanced at Sam and then turned his eyes to Madison. She was lying on her back in the middle of the room, eyes closed and with the ghost of a smile tracing her lips. Dean took note of the small, neat bullet hole in the middle of her chest and knew she had not suffered. Sam knew enough about guns to have made an instant kill.
"Sam?"
When he got no response Dean made his way across the room. He placed a hand on Sam's shoulder and squeezed softly while he gently prised the gun from Sam's loose grip with the other.
"Come on, Sammy. We have to get out of here, someone probably called the cops already." He said, tugging at Sam to get him moving.
As Sam had set one foot in front of the other, Dean was relieved to find him easier to keep moving than he had anticipated, only hesitating briefly as they passed Madison's body.
At the car Dean wasted no time in bundling his bewildered brother into the passenger seat before running around to the drivers side. He took a moment to look up at Madison's apartment window, his face a mask of regret, before jumping in behind the wheel. Dean slid the keys into the ignition and gunned the engine and studied Sam briefly before he pulled away from Madison's apartment and joined the highway to Anywhere.
With 8 hours and a whole state behind them, and with nerves a little frazzled, Dean almost cheered out loud when he saw the sign declaring the Sunnydaze Motel was just a mile further along the road. The irony of its name wasn't wasted on the eldest of the Winchester sons. He and his brother had stayed in enough no star motels and hotels to know that if the name sounded clean and cheery, then the chances were it was a flea bitten hole that even the cockroaches would bypass.
However, right now it didn't matter to Dean if the place was a palace or a pit, so long as it had hot water, two beds and a door to hide behind.
Dean glanced in his brother's direction again and found that nothing had changed. Sam was still as pale as a ghost, still silent and still staring out of the window without seeing anything at all. They had managed to get through the day, neither having had much to say. Sam, because there was nothing he COULD say and Dean because he didn't know WHAT to say.
As he pulled the Impala into the parking lot at a shabby looking Sunnydaze Motel, the only thing on Dean's mind was to get Sam away from prying eyes before he folded in on himself completely.
As Dean turned off the engine, a heavy silence filled the air. He found himself uncomfortable, not knowing what to say to his brother and after a long moment he pushed open the door and began to climb out.
"I'll check us in, sit tight." He said, not expecting nor indeed getting a response from Sam.
Dean rang the reception bell and waited, growing impatient when no one came immediately. After what seemed a lifetime, he was about to shout for service when an old lady pottered out of the mangers office.
"Well, hello young man," she greeted Dean with a soft Irish burr. "You'll be wanting a room, I take it?"
Dean nodded. "Yes, maam." He answered, glancing out of the window at the Impala.
The old lady reached under the counter and pulled out a heavy looking ledger.
"Well now," she said putting on her glasses and opening up the book. "It's a bit quiet out here this time of year, so I think we can fix you up with just about anything you'd like. What would you like, Mr?"
" Andrews. One room, two queens please."
"Two queens you say?" she asked, surprised. "Then you're not alone I take it?"
Dean smiled. "No, my brother's out in the car. He's not feeling so well, so if you could…."
The woman looked aghast. "Oh the poor boy. I'm hoping it's nothing too serious?"
Dean cursed inwardly. He really didn't want to engage the woman in conversation, but figured the quickest way out was to play along.
"No, nothing serious," he tried to smile. "Just getting over a cold."
The woman looked up from her ledger and past Dean. "He does look a little pale. Maybe some sunshine will do him good?"
Dean spun around, following her gaze, and found that Sam had gotten out of the car and was now leaning on the hood. A closer look had Dean cringe as he noticed Sam appeared to be talking to himself.
"Er, yeah. Maybe."
"Are you boys on vacation? LA is always sunny. Sun and fresh sea air will do your brother the world of good. You mark my words."
Dean glanced back over his shoulder and was concerned to see Sam pacing slowly by the car. "Look, I hate to hurry you, but do you think…"
"Of course, my dear. I'm getting carried away with myself. Now then, number 19." she said reaching under the counter.
Dean jumped slightly when he felt a heavy thump on the counter. His eyes widened when he saw the huge box of keys in front of him.
"Let's find the key." The old woman said, beginning to rummage around in the box.
"Oh you've got to be kidding me." Dean muttered under his breath as he glanced out of the window once more. Sam was still pacing, only now it was faster and more agitated.
"Crap," he swore softly and turned back to the woman and her box of keys. "Here, let me help."
"I know its here somewhere." The woman laughed. "I keep telling Harvey, we should buy hooks for the keys, but he's a stubborn man…"
The woman's voice faded as Dean looked over his shoulder to see his Sam go very still. Dean dropped the keys he was holding and began to move warily away from the counter. Just as he reached the door, Sam suddenly took off at a run.
"Crap!" Dean cursed as he yanked open the door and ran out across the parking lot after his brother. "Sammy! Sam!"
Sam didn't slow down, nor did he show any signs of even hearing Dean's demands. He reached the end of the parking lot and disappeared around a corner and by the time Dean got there, he was nowhere to be seen. Running the length of the street glancing in shop doorways and looking down alleyways it was a while before he realised Sam was gone.
"Dammit!" he cursed. The town was by no means big, but it was big enough to get lost in if need be. Dean gave the street one last sweep with his eyes before turning and running back toward the motel. He was going to need his car.
Dean rang Sam's cell for the umpteenth time and for the umpteenth time it went to his voice message. Dean waited while the message played out and when it had finished growled into the mouthpiece.
"Pick up, pick up!"
He waited a moment to give his brother a chance to answer and then, anger warring with worry Dean punched the end call button and flung onto the seat beside him.
For the past two hours, he'd driven the Impala at a crawl up and down and all around town in search of his errant brother. With no sign at all, he was becoming desperate.
Dean's fingers tightened around the steering wheel. "God dammit, Sam, you'd better be in one piece, or I swear to God when I find you, I'm gonna KICK YOUR ASS!"
Having reached the edge of town for the third time, Dean decided to go back to the motel. Maybe the Sam had made his own way back there? Then, as he slowed the Impala to turn around, something caught his eye. It was a flash of red in the long grass behind the town's welcome billboard.
Dean squinted in the fading light, trying to make out what it was he was looking at. Then in a moment he remembered.
Sam was wearing a red tee shirt under his jacket.
"Thank god." He murmured, slamming the brakes on, leaping from the car before it had a chance to come to a stop.
"Sam!" Dean called out as he ran across to where his brother sat, half hidden by a billboard. Sam's arms were looped around his knees, pulling them to his chest, his face resting on them, hidden.
Dean skidded to a halt and crouched down into front of his brother, placed a hand on Sam's shoulder and gave it a gentle shake.
"Sammy? Come on, Dude, look at me."
It took a moment for Sam to respond and when he did he seemed surprised to see Dean, although he didn't utter a word.
"Hey. Are you okay? Are you hurt?" Dean asked giving Sam the once over with his eyes.
Again there was a momentary pause before Sam shook his head and lowered his eyes to the ground.
Dean released a shaky breath as his body sagged like a puppet that's strings had been cut. Scrubbing a hand over his face, he sat back on his haunches before his rant began.
"What the hell were you thinking, running off like that? I had no idea where you were; you could have been hurt or worse. God Sam! You scared the hell out of me!"
"Sorry." Sam quietly apologised, lifting his head and looking at his brother, his eyes swimming with unshed tears.
Dean's anger crumbled.
"Look, I get that this is hard for you, Sammy, I really do, but you have to see you did the right thing."
"Did I?" Sam's asked, his voice quivering.
"Sure you did. There was no other choice."
"What if we were wrong? What if there WAS a choice? What if there is a cure and we just don't know about it?"
"If there was a cure; if dad, or any of the other hunters would have known about it – don't you think it would have been in the journal? Sam, there was nothing else you could have done for her, you know that. You know that in here," Dean said, reaching out and laying a hand on Sam's head. "And you know that in here," he said softly as he placed the other over Sam's heart and gently pushing. "Otherwise you wouldn't have found the strength to do what you had to do."
Sam finally lifted his head and met his brother's eye.
"I want her back, Dean. I want her back and I don't know what to do." Sam said, as the tears finally broke free and began to cascade down his face.
Dean's heart broke for his brother, but he had no words that would make Sam's hurt go away. He knew there was nothing he could say this time to make it better, so he did the next best thing he could and pulled his sobbing kid brother into his arms and held onto him tightly.
Dean didn't know how long they sat there, but it was dark by the time Sam had calmed down enough for him to get him up and moving back to the Impala. As they reached the passenger side Sam spoke.
"You think we could keep driving? It helps to keep moving."
"Sure thing, Sammy. If that's what you need, then we'll keep driving."
Sam didn't reply, just nodded his head before dropping into the seat.
They had only been on the road an hour when Dean pulled into a gas station.
"It's okay, we'll keep going." He pacified Sam when his brother shot him a panicked look. "We need gas and supplies that's all."
Sam looked sheepish, but said nothing as he watched Dean get out of the car and begin filling the tank.
Dean filled up and went into the store in search of caffeine and chocolate. Tonight was going to be a long night. He went to the back of the store out of Sam's sight and took out his cell. Quickly going through his contacts, he found the number he was looking for and punched the call button. After a couple of rings, the call connected and Dean sighed with relief. She was there.
"Missouri, hi."
"Dean, honey!" He could here the joy in her voice. "It's been a long time, what are you boys up to? Is everything okay?"
"Sure, I just thought I'd – you know…" Dean replied, suddenly feeling stupid for bothering the woman. Sam was his problem; he should be able to deal with it. He shouldn't have to call in the cavalry.
"Dean, what happened? Are you and your brother okay? And don't even THINK about lying to me, boy!"
Dean gave a laugh that sounded suspiciously like a sob. Who the hell was he kidding? He needed Missouri as much as Sam did.
"No, we're not okay, Missouri. Sam's having a hard time of things right now. He needs somewhere to lay low for a while, to get himself back together. I wondered…."
"Hey baby, you know you and your brother are welcome here any time you want, for as long as you want. How far away are you?"
Dean looked at his watch. "We can be there by mid morning."
"Okay," Missouri replied. "The door's open for you. I'll see you boys in a little while."
Dean sighed. "Thanks, Missouri."
"No need for thanks, honey. You just drive carefully."
Dean closed the cell and pocketed it before paying for the gas and junk food and going back to the car. Sam said nothing as his brother climbed back in and gunned the engine, but Dean could feel the tension – the kid needed to move. And if that was what his brother needed, then Dean would make it happen.
For now.
Glancing at Sam out of the corner of his eye, Dean pulled back out onto the highway, pointing the Impala toward Kansas and home.
END