Title: Guilt

Author: Sassy

Rating: PG

Pairing: M/A undertones

Show: Set after She Ain't Heavy.

Genre: Angst

Disclaimer: I don't own them.

Summary: Max asks Alec about the time he spent in Psyche-Ops after the escape.

Guilt

            Alec was outside the main Terminal City building, leaning against the dirty wall.  He had left to get some fresh air.  He was tired of being crowded in Terminal City, so he was trying to find a quiet spot to relax.  Terminal City wasn't exactly conducive to quiet spots.  He heard soft footsteps approaching behind him, but he didn't turn.  He knew it was Max.  There was this weird, instinctive feeling he always got when she was around.  She was always the first person he found when he was at Jam Pony or Crash or anywhere for that matter.  He just liked to have a good idea of where she was.  And in becoming that slightly stalkerish boy, he'd learned the sound of her walking.

"Hey, Maxie.  What do ya need?"

Max walked in front of him, found a trashcan to perch herself on.  She settled in and studied him closely.

"I was, uh, wanting to talk to you."

"Talk?"

"Yeah.  Something Sam said to me.  I wanted to talk to you about it."

Alec's mind flashed to Max's clone.  He knew what it was like to hate clones.  The animosity he felt towards Ben, a transgenic he'd never met, was ever present, though he tried to hide it. 

"What'd she say?"

"She said that the clones were forced to stay in Psyche-Ops for six months.  That you guys were tested and-"

"Tortured?  Yeah.  We were.  They wanted to make sure we wouldn't jet like you guys did."

Max fell quiet and Alec understood.  He could have softened the blow.  He could have skirted around the issues like he usually did, but he didn't feel like it anymore.  He didn't feel like protecting Max at the moment.  Seeing Sam brought back memories he'd tried desperately to forget.  Suddenly, the hate against the twelve that had escaped boiled up again, out of a previously stagnant well.  He wished he could settle it again, make the horrible feelings go away, but he couldn't.  He didn't hate Max, not really.  He couldn't really blame the twelve for wanting to desert, but they had been so selfish.  They hadn't even considered the other X5's.  Sure, the twelve didn't know about the clones.  It wasn't public knowledge previously to the escape.  But all X5's were considered a flight risk after the escape.  It affected everyone, especially the twins.  He'd been forced through months of torture and reconditioning and reintroduction.  On any person, it would have been too much, but on a nine-year-old boy, it had simply been horrifying.  There was nothing he could do about it.

"It was because of us.  I'm so sorry, Alec."

Alec rolled his eyes and slid on down to the ground.  He didn't feel like standing anymore.  He rested his head on the cold, hard brick and shut his eyes, letting the recollections come.

"Tell me, Alec.  I need to know."

"You need to know.  I don't want to remember, Max.  I tried to block it from my mind.  I was nine at the time.  Just like you were.  Only you were free and I wasn't.  Why should I tell you about it?"

"Because I deserve to know what happened to you because of me."

Alec bit his lip as he tried to find the words.  He searched, but he didn't even know where to start. 

"They put us through so much reconditioning.  They'd make us stay up for seven days with no sleep, no food and barely any water.  Then they would have us go out and fight each other.  I fought 453 a few times, but mostly I fought 600.  They wanted us to learn to hate each other, maybe because your unit was so protective of each other.  They'd plant things in our heads, like 600 stole all of your rations for the week, which is why you can't eat anything all week.  He wouldn't be punished because I'd 'let' him take them.  It was I who would be punished.  It just spread the dissent in our group.

            "We'd watch videos, not just the good old Mission-Discipline-Progress videos.  No, we would watch things, like tests on other transgenics, ones who had seizures, ones who were being tortured.  They wanted to see how we would react.  See if we would start hating Manticore because of the mistreatment of our own kind.  Little did they know we already hated Manticore.

            "And the worse was when they put us in the chamber."

Alec's voice started to waver as the full remembrance of what had happened flooded him.

            "I was so scared of the chamber.  It was tiny, maybe 2 feet high and 5 feet wide.  I'd have to curl up in a little ball and they'd spray chemicals in through holes in the room.  I'd sit in the chamber for days without being able to move, without any contact except when the doctors checked my vitals and my brain waves.  I tried to pretend I wasn't scared, because a soldier was never scared, but I was terrified.

            "After we were put through all that, they began to show us pictures of the traitors.  You and your little brat siblings were flashed in front of us 24/7 with the explanation that everything that had happened was their fault.  You had all betrayed the mission and you were to blame for much of the problems Manticore was facing, the problems we were facing.  They wanted us to hate you.  And it worked.  Because we did hate you.  And we hated the clones of the other eleven.  I hated 453 and all the others.  Because they were you and your brats as well.  And they felt the same towards me, I'm sure."

Alec hadn't realized that a tear had fallen down his cheek.  He'd been so caught up in his memories that it was almost like reliving every Hellish moment.  He'd been transported back to Psyche-Ops and he was a nine-year-old boy who had always followed his orders and was being constantly punished for things he didn't understand.  Manticore had bred hate inside of him and then they'd bred indifference.  He was stuck in the past; he knew it at that very moment.  He had never gotten past what had happened, not really.  He didn't blame Max for anything anymore, but he was still so angry.  Alec glanced up when he felt a soft hand caress his cheek.  Max had slid off of the trashcan and knelt in front of him.  He saw that her amber eyes were shining with water and filled with guilt.  He hadn't told her to make her feel guilty.  He'd told her because she had needed to know.  Even if he hadn't wanted to tell her.

"I'm so sorry.  You're right.  We didn't think about anybody other than our unit.  We'd seen Jack and Eva dead and we didn't want anyone else to die.  We were a screwed-up family in our minds and we couldn't take it anymore.  Zack had wanted to protect us; he always wanted to protect us.  So he came up with the plan and we'd followed it the best we could.  We weren't thinking about anybody else.  We didn't really think there would be consequences for the others."

"There was."

"I know that now.  I don't know how to apologize for this kind of thing, Alec.  I said I was sorry, but does that even mean anything?  'Oopps, sorry you were tortured cuz of me.' "

"I don't need your apologies Max.  I don't want them.  You wanted to know.  And I guess I needed to tell you. "

Alec cleared his throat, wiping away all signs of his emotional story.  He was suddenly Alec again, the relaxed Golden Boy who was self-assured and cocky.  He pushed away Max's hand and stood back up.  Max watched the transformation, but didn't do anything to stop it.  They were both uncomfortable with and new at the whole deep sentiment thing.  Alec offered Max a hand to get up.

"I'm headed back inside.  I think Mole said he found some scotch in one of the old apartments.  I'm looking forward to having a drink.  You coming?"

Max sighed and shrugged.  She raised her eyes and watched the moon, suddenly feeling wolfish.

"Naw.  I think I'll stay out here for awhile."
"Okay.  I'll save you a drink."

"Thanks."

She waited until she felt him leave, then she turned around.  Her face betrayed her feelings as she watched him enter the main building.  His shoulders were slumped, the only sign of the stress he was under.  She wasn't sure how Alec managed to stay so impartial all the time.  She thought she'd been good at it until she'd met him.  She licked her lips and closed her eyes, muttering a silent apology to whoever was listening.  The Blue Lady?  Or Ben?  Or all the clones?  She wasn't sure.  And she knew she wouldn't get their forgiveness.  Well, maybe none of theirs except Alec's.  And she wanted it.  Never in her life had she wanted forgiveness from Alec.  He irritated her to no end, though he did have his moments.  She'd never really worried about anyone before, besides her brothers and sisters.  Her whole life had been all about the escape and hiding from Manticore.  She'd never once thought about any of the others.  But she did now.  She was paying for the escape now.  She would take care of all the other transgenics, all the new escapees, and maybe, just maybe she'd be able to get past blaming herself for what had happened to Alec and Sam and the others.  Or maybe she'd just be able to move on from the guilt she felt.  Because Alec had moved past the torture he'd been subjected to.  And so could she.