Title: My father's puppet
Rating: G
Pairing / Characters: Kurotsuchi Nemu, Kurotsuchi Mayuri, Kyouraku Shunsui
Word Count: 854 words
Warnings: Spoilers for the soul society arc
Summary: Nemu wants to live and be loved
A/N: You gotta feel sorry for Nemu. Her father hates her, her fellow shinigami believe she is nothing more than a pawn and all she wants is to be loved. I really hate Mayuri. I do. Honest.
I know what he sees whenever he looks at me.
A tool, a creation, something to be used whenever necessary.
A product with no life, no spirit, no substance.
I know what they see whenever I pass by them.
A thing, his puppet, something that exists to do his bidding.
A humiliated, beaten pawn.
I know what I am whenever I look at my reflection.
I am Kurotsuchi Nemu, vice captain of the twelfth division, a shinigami.
Mayuri-sama created me, its true, but I have never seen myself as anything other than a soul who wants nothing more than to be free of his tyranny. Mayuri-sama is someone I love and loathe in equal parts, for I am beholden to him for the life, my life, which he holds in the palm of his hand. He is a cruel master, who expects me to feel no pain, no sorrow, no joy. In his eyes I am just an experiment and I do not have the right to live.
I suppose that's why I cry for him, because so used to having people obey him unquestioningly is he that he does not know that I am more alive than he will ever be. In his quest for immortality, my father has left his heart in a place darker than Hueco Mundo. I know this; I am…closer… to him than most people would think.
Yet despite this, I can't help but wonder if I am so flawed that he cannot be proud of me, for I know he does not love me, or care about me.
All I want to do is become stronger, strong enough that he will one day acknowledge me, that when he looks at me the only thing reflected in his eyes will be pride.
This is not meant to be.
He will never acknowledge me for I am just an experiment to be taken apart as punishment, or to be the test subject for many other experiments that Mayuri-sama cares nothing for. If I dare to defy him, retribution will be swift- and painful. I will not die unless Mayuri-sama chooses to kill me; my body is made of the same material as his, so no living thing can destroy it. I only wish my soul was as indestructible.
I have a dream, one I keep to myself and relive in my darkest moments.
In it, I am standing in a field of daisies, in the sunshine. There is not a cloud in the sky, the wind is blowing through my hair and I am free to laugh, to spin around in circles and get dizzy, to make daisy chains and pick as many flowers as I want. In my dream, a picnic has been laid out for me, with all my favourite foods and drinks, the chocolates from the living world that I like so much, and there are presents, just for me. It is my birthday, and for one day I am special, I am loved more than anything or anyone, more than a gikon has any right to be. In it, my favourite person in the whole world is watching me with a smile, and I am his favourite person, a trusted member of his squad and more- to him I am as good as family.
Kyouraku-taichou does visit me often, and he is one of the people I like more than anyone else. He brings me sweets, little presents I can hide in my obi or in the cedar wood chest in my room. He often tells Mayuri-sama that he should take better care of me, that I am valuable, priceless.
I wish I could believe him, I wish my dream was real.
I want to live. I want to be happy.
I want to feel the wind in my hair, the sun on my skin.
I want to laugh so hard my stomach hurts.
I want to cry when I am sad, be comforted, and be hugged when I get hurt.
I want to be loved, be acknowledged, be someone worthwhile.
Don't I deserve the chance to prove that I can be more than what they see me as?
Don't I deserve the chance to show them that I am a good person, someone who is just as real as they are?
Kyouraku-taichou never treats me as an object. I respect him so much for the kindness he shows me; despite the number of times Mayuri-sama tells him that it is misplaced. Kyouraku-taichou never listens.
I wish I wasn't lonely, but I suppose that this is the only thing I deserve. Even death is too good for the worthless creature that looks out of my mirror.
If I cannot make my own father love me, how can I ever expect to be seen as a person?
If my own father loathes me so much, why shouldn't I loathe myself and expect others to do the same?
I am Kurotsuchi Nemu.
A pawn.
A plaything of my father's division.
I am unworthy of the life Mayuri-sama chose to bestow upon me.
I am just my father's puppet.