Weird Things at Hogwarts

by Joelle D. Haskell

Disclaimer: I solemnly swear I won't put disclaimers in this story. Oh, whoops! Fooey. Anyway I don't own anyone or anything except the fanfiction itself, and Rekin.

Chapter 1

Draco slipped like a stealthy, invisible panther from the Hogwarts Castle late at night, although, he'd probably be more like a puma because he's blonde, and Potter would be the panther, having black hair and all. But pumas aren't generally seen as being stealthy, and most people think puma is a silly, unintimidating word, so for now we'll just pretend that Draco is very much like a stealthy, invisible panther. Invisible because he's wearing one of his many invisible cloaks -- not that he needed them, being a master of invisibility potions thanks to Snape's favouritism, but because he simply didn't like other people having them. Ever since that whole embarrassing snowball incident at Hogsmeade, Draco was sourly disposed to the thought of anyone other than himself owning an invisibility cloak. So he had gone to the local muggle mall and cleaned the stores out of them. Strangely enough, muggles had these cloaks in large supply, because not believing in invisibility meant being able to see invisible things. Ironically enough this meant muggles were the only people on the planet able to appreciate the exquisite embroidery that the cloak-weavers put into them, not knowing the magic behind it at all. Draco had been rather silly to watch in the muggle stores garbed in a thick black robe in the middle of summer groping around blindly to fill up two shopping carts with every single cloak in the store. He then evacuated rather quickly because people were starting to threaten calling some sort of services because clearly he was nutters.

Anyway, Draco was slipping around the grounds through the fog, weaving a void through it, making his way towards Hagrid's hut. Hagrid was inside enjoying a burnt biscuit and Fang was sleeping fitfully on the rug. Finally Draco reached the cabin, glanced around twice to make sure no one was watching, then knocked politely. Hagrid wasn't shocked at all and opened the door with an exhasperated look. "H'okay, kiddies, wha' is i' this toime? Oi jes' aboot 'ad enough o' yer shenanigans, sneakin' oot loik thes -- eh?" His beady eyes lit in surprise when the cloak fell and instead of Potter stood a stealthy panther-like Malfoy. "Draco? Wha' you doin' 'ere? Oi though' you 'ated me guts, troin' to get me sacked an' all."

Draco lowered his face to be struck by the hut's firelight in just such a way so his cheeks were shadowed and his gray eyes burned red. He would have been very menacing to Hagrid if Hagrid were not three times his height and five times his girth (although perhaps 0.05 times his brain).

"I know your secret!" Draco said in a dark, sepulchral voice, like the Devil himself were speaking through him.

Hagrid stood dumbfounded and unaffected. "Wha'?"

Draco sighed that annoying little sigh he has that clearly demonstrates how idiotic everyone but him is, and how irritating their idiocy is, and how much he would rather be taking a nice bubble bath than having to deal with irritating idiots. He had taken many years to perfect the technique of summing up such a large amount of subtle emotion into a single exhalation. It was so perfected, it didn't even need an eyeroll anymore. His father would be proud.

"Your secret, Hagrid. I know it. I know why you're always suddenly 'busy' around 4 o'clock, and why you shut the doors and windows, and why you're always very hungry afterwards."

Hagrid looked nervous, eyes darting side to side. "Er, eh, uhm, Oi don' know wha' yer goin' on aboot." He shuffled his feet and shifted his weight, which caused the floorboards to creak painfully.

"You're getting all hopped up on goofballs, professor, I've seen you do it! You're smoking marijuana!"

"Shhh!" Hagrid slapped a hand over Draco's mouth. "Alrigh', foine. But it's no' loike Oi can get a girlfrien', y'know? An' Oi wouldn' dare smoke an actual cigare'e, no' aroond me animals. The nex' bes' way to relax is me wacky tobaccy. Can you blame me?"

"Mmm. Mm mm mmm."

"Oh, sorry." Hagrid pulled the boy into the cabin and uncovered his mouth. "So, wha're you 'ere for? T'scold me?"

"No...to blackmail you!"

"Yer no' very sub'le." Hagrid sat uneasily in a chair, which groaned in agony beneath him. Fang twitched and drooled and rolled over.

"Here's my offer. You let me on some of your stash, or..." He paused for drama, gathering the tension, letting it sit around and stew, getting all thick and extra-tense. "...Or...I'll tell my daddy!"

Hagrid blinked twice and stared, Draco assuming out of shock and fear. Hagrid started to speak, stopped, pursed his lips thoughtfully, scratched his beard, then finally spoke. Draco puffed his chest out, expecting a sorrowful surrender.

"Did you jes' say 'daddy'?"

"What? No, no of course not."

"Yes you did! Oi 'eard you!"

"No you didn't."

"Yes Oi did!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

The argument was interrupted by a sudden snorting and grunting on Fang's behalf, who was going into some sort of seizure in his dream, but in fact he was sobbing in despair. He then proceeded to say, in animal-speak, "I'm sorry Fluffy, but this just isn't working out. I can't do this anymore. It's unfair to all three of your heads to continue with this lie. I'm madly in love with Mrs. Norris!" Of course to the two humans (well, one human and one half-human) it went more like this: "Snnrrt rowf grruam, grrrr -whine-, -whimper snivel-, fsrrff, raawrf, -snort-." But the distraction was enough to stop their bickering for the moment. They afforded themselves a small chuckle and made a few passing jokes that Fang was probably chasing muggle vehicles and burying bones. Finally they returned to the subject at hand.

"Yer daddy's already troid messin' me up once, Malfoy, an' Oi bet 'e won' succeed if 'e trois again. No deal."

"Alright. Then I'll have no choice but to tell a certain headmaster..."

"Dummeldore? Oh, 'e's smokin' it too."

"No! Madame Maxine!"

Hagrid gasped and put a hand over his own mouth this time. "You wouldn'!"

"I would!"

Hagrid settled back and sighed submissively. "Oh, alrigh'. You can 'ave a few joints."

"No, Hagrid...I want the real stuff. I roll my own joints."

"Jeez, you Slytherin's are worse than I though'!"

"That's right. We even have our own Puppy Kicking club. My daddy founded it when he was school-age."

"Did you jes' say da--"

"Just get me the weed!" Draco snarled. Hagrid stood and crossed the room in a single stride, digging around in a vase before producing a small paper bag. He handed it to Draco, who inspected it for genuinity, then rerobed the invisibility cloak and departed into the night, giving Fang a good kick on the way out.

The next day was potions class. The Gryffindors delayed as much as possible in attending, and even some of the Slytherins were less than enthusiastic about going to the dungeons. Only Draco Malfoy arrived earlier than was necessary. He entered the classroom, empty except for Snape, who was catching up on Cosmo back issues and didn't notice the boy's entrance at all. Draco walked up to the desk, waited a moment, then coughed pointedly. Snape threw the magazine into a wall and resumed his general attitude of a cool cat, hands clasped on the desktop, back straight. Once he realized that Draco was only person here at the time, he relaxed again. "You have the goods, Malfoy?"

"All here. The Rolling Club made these all last night."

"I thought the Rolling Club was a bowling team."

"They do that, too." Draco pulled out a bag of joints and laid them out on the table. "Enjoy," he said smugly. "And remember -- if I don't get Outstanding this year, I'm cutting you off."

The two of them smoked merrily. After a forgotten number of nice, long drags, the room was hazy and the two of them were in giggles although they couldn't remember why.

"Oh...my goodness. You are...VERY funny. That...that..." Snape raised a finger, pointing it into Draco's chest with each 'that'. "That...thaaat...'That' is a VERY funny word. THAT."

"It sounds like cat. You know, I should make...a...a...kitten...kicking...club! Yes! And I'll call it...Kitter Kickens!"

Snape chuckled at the name, then went cross-eyed. "I have the largest nose in the WORLD. It's so big I can see it."

"Oh. My. God. I can see it too."

"So can I!"

"So can...can...KITTER KICKENS!" And they giggled for another five minutes and then promptly forgot why again. After another minute there were footsteps approaching from outside.

"Oh no, it's the dehydrated pirates! TO THE BAT-CAVE, ROBIN!" Snape shouted, knocking an ink bottle onto the floor with his spastic hand motions.

Draco interpreted this as 'get in one last drag before taking your seat', so he got in one last drag before taking his seat. The rest of the students filed into the room, the Gryffindors looking glum, the Slytherins looking smug.

Snape leaped from his chair and promptly shoved the remaining joints into a desk drawer. He waved both arms at the classroom. "Hello, my lovelies! I have a humungous schnozz! I can see it! Can you see it?" He attempted to point at his nose and missed. The children all raised eyebrows, except for Draco, who giggled and snorted.

Ron leaned in next to Harry and whispered at him, "I think the two of them have finally lost it."

"You! What did you say!" Snape straighened his back until it bent a little backwards and pointed an accusing couple of fingers in Ron's general direction.

Ron gulped. "I...I didn't say anything, Profe---"

"Are you saying...I'm not...'digging' it?" Snape was bringing up some random muggle phrase he'd seemed to have heard in the past once.

"Uhm...no?"

"Well...I am digging...IT...so much...that this so-called 'IT'...is -five- -feet- -deep-!" He continued pointing but his finger had strayed towards the floor now.

"Uhhh..." Ron was completely nonplussed. "Yes?"

"That's PROFESSOR Yes to you, Robert!"

"Uh, my name's, uh, Ronald. Sir."

Snape stomped a foot. "Not anymore!" He threw his hands up again. "I've officially declared you the property of Britian and your name is...is...ohmygodmynoseishuge." He then became totally absorbed in his nose. Draco collapsed on the floor, laughing so hard tears were streaming down his face, of course it had nothing to do with anything happening in the room, just something he'd thought of just then. Probably Kitter Kickens again. It -was- pretty funny.

"YOU!" Snape pointed at Draco, who sobered up instantly and stared up from the dungeon floor in horror. "Yes, Schnozzy McNoseter?" he said, and giggled.

"You, are..." Snape paused, thinking, then continued. "You are very mean to people. You're a complete meanie. A big brat. I think you just have those two apes behind you because you're a WIMP!" He looked very proud of this proclamation and gave a satisfied nod to his own genius. The entire classroom gasped.

Harry leaned towards Ron. "You're definitely right. Something's very off here."

"YOU TWO!" Snape pointed at them. "Stop gabbing and go buy me some food! I am incredibly hungry. Now. Go. Before I starve to death, thank-you-very-much." The two boys practically ran from the room, overjoyed at having been excused from potions. They headed in the direction of the kitchens, but were stopped halfway down the dungeon hall by a skulky Argus Filch. Mrs. Norris was curled in his arms, grinning cattily over his sleeve at them.

"Oh, hello, what have we here? Two lollygaggers skipping out of class?" Filch growled, stroking his cat.

"No, sir, we were excused, see, to go get some --" Harry started.

"Hush up! I'll have none of your excuses. Detention for both!" He nuzzled Mrs. Norris. "Who's my little mustache girl? Who's got a furry little mustache? YOU DO! Yes you do! I wub oo my darling kitty-kins! Yes I do!"

"This man is a complete idiot," she said. The two boys goggled.

"What did you say?" Ron gasped.

"I said, 'I wub oo my darli-', I mean, detention! Detention for the both of you!"

"But--"

"No buts! I said detention, and a 20 point deduction for disobeying me!"

"What are you gunna do, make us go to detention?" Harry snapped. "You can't even cast magic!"

"Haha, my owner's a loser," Mrs. Norris chuckled.

"You're a...squib!" Ron gasped.

"That's none of your business! I hate you both!" Filch whined and ran off in tears.

"Hey, I wanted to be the one to let his secret slip!" said Peeves, who had floated over to them during their exchange.

"How did you know?" Harry asked.

"Mrs. Norris told Crookshanks who told Pigwidgeon who told Hedwig who told Scabbers who told Voldemort who told me," said the poltergeist. "Oh, shoot! Now I'm not going to be in his special circle anymore." The boys eyed him. "I mean, the Mafia doesn't exist. Bye!" he said and vanished.

"The Mafia? I didn't know Voldemort was Italian," Harry mused.

Just then, Pomfrey rushed past with Professor Snape and Draco tucked under each arm. "Oh dear, oh dear, the professor is sick..." she muttered.

"Wow," Ron said.

"What is it?" Harry asked.

"She has really strong arms."