A/N: Just wanted to point out that the parts in italics are the different characters writing in Gale's notebook. On Word, I had different fonts for each character, but that doesn't seem to be working out here ^^; Oh, and I also don't own any of these characters, if I did, I wouldn't have written this parody. Yes, there is slight bashing of everyone, especially Peeta. Yes, I'm a Peeta-hater. v.v Anyhow, please feel free to enjoy. Aaandd...I'm not done. Melon is the alter ego of one of my best buds in RL. Just thought ya'll should know ;)
When I wake up, the other side of the bed is cold. My fingers stretch out, seeking Prim's warmt-
Seriously, that's lame. Who wants to start a book with someone waking up? Violence is always the way to go when you want people's attention. And this is Katniss we're talking about here. If anyone were going to start a book with the main character waking up, it wouldn't be her. And why are we starting with the first book anyway? I'm in it for what, three chapters? It's all Peeta, and Katniss making out with Peeta, and Katniss healing Peeta, and bla bla bla. He's a total freak anyway. But the parts with Katniss are awes-
"Gale, what the heck are you writing?" The black-haired dude looked up from the notebook in surprise. He'd momentarily forgotten the fact that he was sitting in a waiting room with the rest of the people who were the subject of a bestselling novel. Not that everything in the novel was accurate. We'll get to that eventually.
Gale rolled his eyes and looked back at the paper. "Nothing, Finnick."
"Really?" The 24 year-old creeper was so annoying.
"Yes, really." Almost before Gale could protest, Finnick had plopped into the chair next to Gale and was obnoxiously reading over his shoulder.
"Exactly!" Finnick exclaimed. "I'm not in the first book at all! Let's skip to the second one where they introduce me!"
"God, you guys are all so self-centered," a small girl with black hair and dark skin scoffed.
"Of course you'd say something like that, Rue. You're only twelve," Finnick pointed out, as if he were disappointed in the fact.
"I was mainly talking to you, Finnick," Rue said solemnly, training her bright, dark eyes on him. However, he didn't say anything, just turned back to Gale's notebook.
"What's taking her so long?" a blonde-haired boy asked, nervously perched on the edge of the chair. "That Collins lady has been interviewing Katniss for hours!"
"Um, Peeta, it's only been ten minutes," Rue said softly.
"UGH!" Peeta cried in frustration, yanking on his sandy hair.
"Dude, that's gonna hurt if you pull much harder," Finnick said offhandedly, finding Gale's lack of writing uninteresting and instead slouching in his chair.
Peeta gave a weak smile. "It already does."
"OMS NO WAY," Gale said sarcastically, rolling his grey eyes. Peeta's frown deepened. He knew full well that the dark-haired boy shared his feelings for Katniss. Finnick probably did as well, since he liked any pretty girl that he happened to meet.
"When's Cinna and Haymitch getting back? I'm starved!" Rue said, putting a hand on her growling stomach. Grr.
Peeta laughed darkly. "You're not starved, Rue. You've been in the Games – you know starved."
"You're like a constant downer, huh?" Finnick said before snatching the notebook from Gale.
"Hey!" Gale protested. " What are you do-"
If I'd known how totally right Gale was about the lameness of that first book, I would've hijacked his notebook sooner. Even his addition was terrible. Who wants to read his rants on Peeta? Yeah, the dude's an idiot, but why spend time talking about him when you can talk about how hot Katniss is? And – oh yeah – that Collins lady messed it all up. Both books. That's what happens when you give someone creative license – they ruin everything.
Yeah, especially since it says I'm dead. No, actually I'm not, since I'm writing this and all. They're going to reveal that in book three. I guess I wasn't supposed to tell you that. Oh well.
"Rue, what the heck are you doing?" Finnick asked as Rue seized the notebook. "I was just getting to the good part." At this point, Rue looked frightened, with a most likely excellent reason.
So, anyway, let me finish. And if Rue butts in again, don't believe anything she says. And I mean everything.
I'd managed to extricate myself from the crowd of adoring fangirls after the parade and went in search of Katniss. It wasn't that hard, since she was still near her chariot, but for what reason I never quite figured out. And if any of this sounds different from what the Collins lady wrote, that's because she's WRONG.
"Hey," I said, leaning one arm on the top of the chariot wall, conveniently over Katniss's shoulders. She looked up at me in surprise, then smothered some emotion that I knew was a euphoric smile.
"Um, hi," she replied, struggling to keep a straight face{not because she was totally creeped out, but because she was indescribably ecstatic}. I debated internally for moment about whether or not to make small talk before doing anything important, but decided against it, since it just wastes time that can be put to more pleasurable uses.
Therefore, I grinned slyly at her, licked my lips, and slid closer to her. "So, do you have any secrets, girl on fire?"
Katniss smirked back at me and turned her head so that half of her face was hidden behind her black hair. "Everyone has secrets, Finnick. I just don't know if I want to…share mine." Her was face was downturned, and for a moment, her elegant features caught the faint light from…somewhere. I had to agree with everyone else on two things – 1. Cinna was a freaking genius; and 2. Katniss was certainly attractive.
In response to her deep query, I moved in even closer and wrapped an arm about her waist. "Tell me, Katniss. Be my friend." I laid my other hand on her shoulder, spreading my fingers and taking my time as I slid it off.
I have to admit, I was ashamed that it took me by surprise when she turned and wrapped her arms around my neck. She laid her head on my chest, near my shoulder, and whispered into my neck: "Perhaps." I grinned, even though I knew she couldn't see me, as my arms encircled her waist. I think she was pleasantly shocked at how close I was to her, since she looked up at me, eyes sparkling in what I knew was excitement. I seized this opportunity and pressed my lips against hers. Katniss instantly kissed back. She tasted delicious, probably one of the top 5 girls most pleasurable to eat. Obviously, she'd had some practice from the last Games, which is when I first got the idea. And then, when I figured out that she'd be coming this year, I decided to seize the opportunity. I don't care that she's eight years younger than me – the Capitol can go ahead and have fun with this scandal.
We didn't kiss for very long, since I knew that there would be other jealous girls around willing to harm my current love interest. I drew away slowly, since neither of us wanted this to end. It was definitely much colder without Katniss's body heat, but I figured that wouldn't be a longstanding issue. "Come on, Katniss," I said, walking toward the elevators, "let's have a party." She smiled and followed me, but only when we were finally by ourselves in the elevator did she lean against me again.
"Where are we going, Finnick?" she asked.
"I love it when you say my name," I replied, putting my arm around her. "Oh, that? It's a surprise."
"Yay! I love surprises!" Katniss exclaimed.
"Trust me, you'll love this one."
"I do trust you, Finnick." Since I'm the author of this story, I could've added more to that, aka Katniss praising my awesomeness, but then I'd look like an egotistical freak, and it would just sound stupid.
Finally, the elevator stopped playing that idiotic music, meaning that we'd arrived at our destination. And then we went into a private room and
I burst through the wall on a magical flying loaf of bread. Finnick was about to…do something weird , and Katniss looked petrified. But then when she saw me she was all happy again. "Peeta!" she screamed, dashing out from Finnick's grasp and into mine. Then we flew away on the magical flying loaf of bread, because I'm awesome. And Finnick was looking after us with this "what the heck?" look on his face, but I didn't care, because Katniss was staring at me gratefully. "Oh, Peeta! Thank you so much! Finnick was going to eat me!"
"Indeed," I replied awesometastically, because all cool people say "indeed". She sighed because I was so awesome and leaned against me. Because I'm awesome.
Then we flew back to District Twelve, which had been transformed into a land of rainbows and butterflies and bread. And they made me king and I got to live in a shiny house full of shiny objects. And Katniss lived in the shiny house with me, but there wasn't hardly any room because of all the shiny objects. And then I made Gale and Finnick illegal but not Cinna because he made pretty stuff for Katniss to wear. And because Melon would've been really angry. GRR.
"That's a really stupid story, Peeta," Rue said, looking over Peeta's shoulder.
"Hmph. You just don't appreciate genius," Peeta said indignantly.
"What'd you think of mine, Rue?" Finnick asked, stretched out in the plastic waiting-room chair.
"It was also terrible. Katniss isn't an idiot."
"That's exactly what I said!" Finnick retorted.
"No, you said she was hot and delicious," Rue argued.
"That too," Finnick admitted. "She's all of those."
"Rue, that sounded like a fast food commercial," Gale interjected, slightly upset about the loss of his notebook.
"Katniss isn't fast food either." Rue wore the scowl of annoyance almost as well as she did her happy child expression.
"Duh," Finnick replied, rolling his eyes.
"Wow. Articulate, huh?" the small girl scoffed.
"Guys, stop arguing. Finnick, you sound just as immature as Rue," Peeta broke in.
"Thanks, Peeta. I'm sure feelin' the love right about now," Rue said sarcastically.
"Woah, Rue, that sounded like something I'd say!" Finnick exclaimed in amazement.
"And I'm supposed to be happy about this?" Rue raised an eyebrow skeptically, suddenly regretting the fact that she was sitting next to Finnick.
"Yup." He lazily slid an arm around her shoulders, grinning in that disturbing way he usually did. Rue gave a squeal of terror and jumped up, running to the other side of the room and hiding behind a very important imported potted plant.
"Stay away from me, Finnick!" Rue called. "I know kung fu!"
"Rue! Catch!" Gale said as he snatched the notebook from whoever was holding it at the moment and flung it like a Frisbee to Rue. She didn't actually catch it {because there was a very important imported potted plant in the way}, so she scrambled forward a few feet and grabbed it, then retreated behind the very important imported potted plant.
"TEEHEE!" she chimed, although no one could really see her that well. Smiling evilly, she began to write.
I feel sorry for you people. You had to suffer through Finnick and Peeta's crappy so-called stories to get to mine. No, I'm not an insane megalomaniac {like some others in this room}, so I won't insist that this will be awesome, because it most likely won't. Got it? Good.
First of all, it might be helpful to note that I am, in fact, alive. And so is Cinna {that's for all you Cinna fangirls out there}. What can I say? Well, I can say that I'm a very helpful person that is alive, no matter what the Collins lady says.
Peeta is not awesome, nor does he have a magical flying loaf of bread. District Twelve has no rainbows or butterflies and no one in their right mind would make Peeta a king. He is not a master in the art of buying and selling shiny objects. As for Finnick's story – we won't even go there. Because, obviously, one cannot travel into a piece of paper. Duh.
How did we get into this world? That's a long story. One that I'm not going to tell, since my hand cramps from writing in this pretty font.
Anyway, this world is nice. We're like celebrities. The Collins lady had a limo for us to ride in. It was fun after the guys decided a schedule for who got to sit next to Katniss. The two of us considered using the duct tape on them, but Haymitch decided that this was too drastic. However, we used it on him after he found out that the limo came with complimentary beer.
Cinna's the only sane male in our little group. It's no wonder people like him: he's kinda cute and is total awesomesauce {please note that I was in no way bribed by Melon with many shiny objects to write the previous statement}. But seriously, he is kinda cute…
So then the Collins lady had us come here {100 Disneyworld Drive} so she could interview Katniss for Book 3. We got stuck in the waiting room, and nobody's brought us anything good to eat, so we sent Cinna and Haymitch to buy some McDonald's. And then we started stealing the notebook from each other.
"Whoah, Rue! Since when has Cinna been cute?" Finnick asked , somehow managing to fit behind the very important imported potted plant to read over Rue's shoulders. She gave a squeal and dashed out from behind it, dropping the notebook. He gave a satisfactory laugh and grabbed the notebook off the floor, sitting down on the slightly warm linoleum.
Rue's such a hypocrite. She says my story is stupid when hers isn't even a story! Sadly, she's too young to know how to have a good time – you know, parties and stuff like that. And seriously – whose lame idea was it to have a total of one major female character? It means I'm left with two buffoons and a twelve year-old girl. If only Rue would just grow up
And Finnick would just shut up
And Rue would stop stealing the pen
And Finnick would stop being such a freaking hypocrite by stealing it from me
And Rue would stop breaking the laws of gravity by using bolded text when writing with a pen
And Finnick would go back to 3rd grade science class
And Rue would stop leaning on me 'cause it probably isn't helping her situation in the least
And Finnick would stop being such a perv
And Rue would stop spoiling the fun
And Finnick would stop trying to have fun
And Rue would stop using those stupid bolded words
And Finnick would stop being so immature
And Rue would seriously – no, on second thought I don't mind her leaning on me
"That's only cause I can't reach the stupid notebook!" Rue almost screamed, moving away.
Finnick ran his tongue over his lips – it seemed by now to be an involuntary action – as he grinned at Rue.
"You're disgusting, you know that?" Rue said, edging farther away.
"Revolting, I'm sure."
"Despicable."
"Horrid."
"Unsightly."
"Unseemly."
"Repulsive."
"Sickening."
"Ghastly."
"Nauseating."
"Filthy."
"I'm not filthy, Rue," Finnick scoffed.
"Your mind is," she muttered.
"You're just not old enough."
"You're too old! You're twelve years older than me!"
"Such a shame, isn't it?" His lips were close to her cheek, so much so that she could feel his breath. Finnick was right about one thing – it was revolting.
"What are you doing? It's not like they can't see us! We're behind a freaking potted plant!"
"Actually, Rue, it's a very important imported potted plant."
"Yeah, Finnick, you look really desperate trying to seduce an twelve year-old," Gale broke in from the other end of the room.
"You know what? I'm tired of being twelve," Rue declared, grabbing the notebook and pen. This time, Finnick didn't stop her.
Okay, so the Collins lady lied about something else. I'm not twelve. I'm actually sixteen years old. Please note that this had nothing to do with Finnick or anything remotely related to him.
And then there was a flash of pine tree pink smoke and nothing happened.
"Crap," Rue said.
"Can I still kiss you?" Finnick asked, eyeing her thoroughly.
"EW! NO!" she exclaimed, slapping him on the shoulder.
"I'd prefer to remain intact. These gorgeous looks don't come without a price, you know."
Rue rolled her eyes. "You're still a freak."
"A devilishly handsome freak."
"No, a disgusting, revolting, despicable, horrid, unsightly, unseemly, repulsive, sickening, ghastly, nauseating, filthy freak."
"I think you're just in denial," Finnick said.
"On the contrary, I believe you are, Finnick."
"If I'm revolting, then why are you still sitting so close to me, hm?"
Rue rolled her eyes. "Because I want the notebook."
"Why am I disinclined to believe you?"
"I dunno. It's not like I can read your mind or anything."
"That was a rhetorical question."
Gale actually decided to speak up for once. "You know, I really think someone needs to write in the notebook, since this page has mostly been dialogue."
"I'LL DO IT!" Finnick, Peeta, and Rue all called at the same time.
"That means I get to," Gale said smugly. So he sauntered over, extricated the notebook from Finnick's hands, and walked back to the plastic chair of d00m. And then he started writing. Because, honestly, what else does one do with a notebook?
Okay, so this is really what happened.
As soon as Katniss figured out that she'd have to go back into the arena, she knew she needed to do something about it. Something that involved explosions and sharp objects. So she apparently came to my house, and when I was obviously not there, she left me a note. She said that we'd meet in the woods that Sunday. It wasn't like I wasn't planning on going anyway, so I guess she just wanted to be safe or something. Or she thought leaving a note was romantic.
Anyway, on Sunday, I went to the woods just like we always did. She looked happier than I've ever seen her – especially since all this crap with the Games started. It was kind of awkward at first, since all we did was stare at each other {or the ground}.
"Why'd you want me to come?" I finally asked.
"I haven't seen you in a while." Her voice was surprisingly flat.
"I was gonna come anyway, Katniss," I said, coming closer and taking her hands in mine. "I missed you."
She looked like she was about to say something, but instead she buried her head in my chest. "You know I'm an awful liar." The words were muffled, but I could almost feel her speak through my coat. We didn't get to wear many layers, which was quite a problem in the winter.
I put my arms around her and pulled her in closer. "I'd hate it if you were a good one. You're confusing enough already."
I think she laughed. I'm not really sure of it, even now, but I'm almost positive that that wasn't a sob I heard. "I never meant to. I never meant for any of this to happen!"
"Of course you didn't. Who in their right mind would want to be thrown into the Games, and marry some dude they don't even like?"
There was a pause. Then, she finally looked at me, a complex mess of emotions in her grey eyes. "Is that why I'm confusing? Because of Peeta?"
I could tell she was going to run. Or at least move backwards, away from me. Away from all the words we were both going to say. So I cupped one of her cheeks in my hand, and whispered, "Simple girls are lame." Then I kissed her.
Was she nervous? I don't really know. All I can remember is her arms sliding around me, her lips opening slowly, and how we stayed like that for a long time. I still remember how she tasted that second time, the first time she kissed me. It almost made me wish I'd gone to the Games instead of Peeta. That freak got it good – getting to kiss her all the time.
Wait.
No.
Either I'm delusional or Peeta has never really kissed her. Never really felt her like I did. It was like I had her all to myself. Peeta didn't have this Katniss. He had the Capitol version. I had the hunting, fighting, real Katniss. And someday, I swore, I'd have both. Especially if it meant bringing the Capitol down in flames. Really big ones.
The bad thing about good things is that they always end. And so, Katniss pulled away slowly, trying not to let go but knowing she had to, if she wanted to tell me whatever important news she had to tell me.
"Sorry, Gale," she said, her arms still around me. "I didn't want to let go, but I had to, if I wanted to tell you the important news I have to tell you."
"What is it?" I asked, rather impatiently.
She finally drew her arms away, and scratched the back of her neck in embarrassment. At least I think it was embarrassment. "Nothing, Gale. Nothing at all." She smiled a half-smile, and turned, as if to walk away. But before she totally stranded me out there, she stood on her tiptoes and brushed her lips across mine once more. Then she smiled again, and was gone.
I never saw her until we picked her up after the Games.
"Hey, Gale! Can I see it?" Rue called, still behind the very important imported potted plant, and still suspiciously next to Finnick.
"Um…sure," he said, gingerly tossing it this time. Magically, Rue caught it.
"Awww! Gale, that's so cute!" she exclaimed once she finished.
Finnick was reading over her shoulder. "You really like that crap?"
"It's not crap! It's really sweet!"
He rolled his eyes. "So if I said a lot of pointless fluff to you, then you'd kiss me?"
"That would depend on if I liked you enough."
"Do you?"
"That was a rhetorical statement." And then Rue leaned over and kissed Finnick Odair, of all people. Why it surprised him, the world may never know, but it did. Even though Rue's lips touched his softly, since she was scared out of her wits and only motivated by a hormone burst, he couldn't help but flinch before putting his arms around her gently, something uncharacteristic for him. And as he kissed back, it was almost as if he was afraid to break her, with the lightness of every touch. That didn't mean there was less feeling behind his kiss – in fact, it meant there was more. It meant that Rue wasn't just one in a string of fancy lovers. It meant that she was a tiny girl from District Eleven with brains in her head and that wasn't dead. Oh, no, she was very much alive. Finnick felt alive in that moment, with Rue's lips on his, moving slowly, and her arms around his neck, the very touch of her skin something new to him. She was only twelve, only twelve, but he wanted her anyway.
"Holy crap! So this is what happens when I leave four idiots alone?" It was Haymitch's voice that broke Finnick and Rue apart. It looked like Cinna, standing next to Haymitch, was attempting to maintain consciousness and his grip on the McDonald's bags.
"Dude, she tastes better than any Big Mac you'll ever throw at me!" Finnick said.
"Good idea, idiot. I'll just throw your lunch at you." Haymitch truly looked like he would do it.
"Chill, Haymitch," Cinna said, setting down the food to ensure it's survival.
"You do realize he's twice her age."
"Why does he have sober now, of all times," Finnick muttered to Rue, making her snort. Not giggle, children, snort.
Cinna rolled his eyes, either at Finnick or Haymitch. It was hard to tell, but it was probably directed at both. "Yes, Haymitch, he is twice her age. And since when have you started being Rue's bodyguard and not Katniss's?"
"I'm just lookin' out for the kid, okay? Somebody's bound to be ticked off about it."
"Who? You? You're the only one threatening to chuck Big Macs around," Rue said.
Haymitch glared at her, not because she was really special or anything, but because he glared at everyone. "And you're the one kissing a dude twice your age."
"Yes, we're aware of this," Rue answered patiently, as if she were talking to one of her little sisters. "But how do you know that I haven't had a birthday between when I 'die' and now? I have to have had at least one. So I could thirteen or fourteen by now." She looked up at Finnick with a grin. "How old do you think I should be?" Haymitch slapped his face into his hand. Cinna laughed. Peeta was still trying to decide his opinion. Gale wanted the notebook back.
"Hmm. Fourteen," Finnick said, kissing her forehead.
"Awesometasticsauce!" Rue exclaimed. "I'm fourteen!"
"You can't just say that you're fourteen," Haymitch grumbled. "When's your birthday?"
"My thirteenth birthday was during the Games when I supposedly died," Rue explained.
"You sure?"
Peeta pulled out his handy-dandy Hallmark frilly, pink calendar of all-knowingness. Oh, and let us not forget the pretty pony on the front. "Yup. She's right," he said, after looking through the pink pages for a minute.
"He's still ten years older than you. That doesn't change anything," Haymitch grumbled.
"Yes it does. Now he's not twice my age," Rue retorted.
"PUZZaH FOR BASIC MATH SKILLZ!" Peeta exclaimed, at least until everyone started giving him strange looks.
"No comment, dude," Gale said.
Rue rolled her eyes. "That was a comment."
"Will you people just shut up so we can eat?" Haymitch said loudly.
"What did I say?" Peeta asked in confusion.
"Nothing, idiot," Haymitch grunted. "I was talking to those two idiots over there."
Finnick glared at Haymitch. "Watch it, old man. I can stab you with a pointy object if you really want me to." He tightened his grip on Rue, holding her closer.
"Chill, man. That girl can stab me herself if she really feels like it." Haymitch gave Rue a pointed glare, which she returned with the upmost enthusiasm.
And then since world peace wasn't very likely at the moment, Melon poofed into the scene in a flash of light-orangey-blue-purple-with-a hint-of-pink smoke. "Seriously, guys, calm down," she said. "I think everyone just needs to eat something or, like, have a party. Yeah. Parties are good."
"Um, hi Melon. Where'd you come from?" Cinna asked, thoroughly confused at this point.
"The not-so-great above," she explained.
"Umm…okay…" he replied. Today was obviously not Cinna's day.
And then she kissed him.
When she let go, Melon let go slowly. She smiled gently, and drew her hands across his neck, down his chest before stepping back. "Sorry, Cinna. I gotta go. Iceland is in anarchy again." And before anyone could say or do anything, she was gone, in a flash of shiny sparkles. Initially, no one was able to react, but then:
-Cinna was still tasting Melon's kiss.
-Rue was looking at Finnick hopefully.
-Finnick was looking at Rue in anticipation.
-Peeta looked like he needed psychiatric help.
-Gale was staring anxiously at the door that Katniss was behind.
It was Haymitch that broke the awkward silence. "Well, that's peculiar."