HOW THE CULLENS SAVED CHRISTMAS
'Twas the week before Christmas,
(the eighteenth of December)
And the Cullens were planning
A Christmas to remember.
It was Nessie's second Christmas
And the family well knew
That her years as a child
Would be very few.
Nessie's first Christmas
Had been tarnished by woe
O'er the Volturi's machinations
And Alice and Jasper's decision to go.
Now there is peace again as
The Earth on its axis revolves
Thanks to an unlikely alliance
Between vampires and werewolves.
The Volturi were sent packing
With no casualties incurred
Except for Irina
(some say that was deserved).
After the battle, the Cullens decided
To move to Alaska, where their friends resided.
Nessie was getting so large and precocious
That even dear Charlie would soon grow suspicious.
Esme procured a couple of houses
Near the Denalis, for all of the spouses.
Bowing to fate, and to Rosalie's dismay,
Jacob's house was built not far away.
A year past the great battle
finds the whole vampire clan
happily ensconced in Alaska
with Christmas to plan.
Alice the General has taken command,
With tasks and assignments for each woman and man,
Her goal is to give Nessie a Christmas to cherish,
And she'll do it, even if loved ones must suffer or perish.
Their Christmas will be perfect; will withstand any scrutiny;
But her methods may yet drive her family to mutiny.
Alice was martinet-like with focus and verve
But she seemed unaware she was grating on nerves.
No one would accuse her of evil or malice,
But Yuletide perfection as pictured by Alice,
Was disrupting the peace and presaged a fight
And threatened to tear asunder the silent night.
An earlier squabble just barely diverted,
A quarreling Rose and Alice, the family alerted.
"Why would you say that?!" they heard Alice inquire.
Rose examined her nails, unconcerned by her ire.
"What goes on here?" asked Bella, approaching the two.
You're behaving like animals fit for the zoo."
Alice snapped back, "Bella, please do desist.
She told Nessie that Santa Claus does not exist!"
Bella eyed Rose, her gaze drawn into a glare.
"Rosalie Hale, how on Earth do you dare?
Edward and I should decide when to reveal
To our daughter that Santa Claus is not real."
Nessie took Bella's hand and grinned up at her mom.
"Don't be mad at Aunt Rose," she said, happy and calm.
"You may think this Santa Claus story is cool.
I may only be two but I'm nobody's fool."
Bella sighed, giving up. There was nothing to do,
When your daughter was seemingly smarter than you.
Alice returned to trimming and decorating.
About Santa Claus there would be no more debating.
Carlisle left his study and took in the scene.
Alice was barking orders, draped in red and green.
Emmett placed a huge spruce under Esme's keen eye.
Bella's labor was a mountain of ribbons to tie.
Edward played piano, rehearsing carols with a smirk.
Nessie sat beside him, happy to watch him work.
Rosalie surveyed the scene, her lips curled in a sneer.
"It looks like Norman Rockwell threw up in here."
Jasper leapt to his feet, sending waves of calm,
To everyone's raw nerves his gift was a balm.
Except for Alice, Rosalie's words whom did pique,
She marched toward the blonde, planning to smack her cheek.
Rosalie stood solidly in Alice's path,
Smiling coolly in the face of her wrath.
Nonchalantly she purred, "Bring it, runt."
Carlisle intervened, "Perhaps you should hunt."
As much as Emmett would have wanted to watch
His Rosie and Alice in a wrestling match,
Hunting was something that he would not shun
Even if it meant missing some girl-on-girl fun.
The others were anxious to escape as well
From Alice's Palace of Holiday Hell.
Alice, Carlisle and Esme stayed behind.
The others went searching for what game they could find.
Jacob jumped up to join them from his place on the deck.
Nessie climbed on his back and clung to his neck.
Jacob preferred the deck as the holidays neared;
As a wolf it was doubtful he would be commandeered.
The seven of them headed North on their way,
The moon shining bright as they searched out their prey.
They ran swift and sure through the cold Arctic night,
Too quickly to be captured by human sight.
They skidded to a stop, sniffing the frigid air.
The smell of blood moved on the wind that whipped their hair.
It came from the North, the smell of their feast.
They separated and circled, surrounding the beasts.
Instinct took over; they struck without warning.
The deer never knew that their deaths were dawning.
It was over in moments; the carnage was wild.
The hunters were sated; the carcasses piled.
As Nessie was looking at one of the deer,
She grabbed Bella's hand, saying, "What is this here?"
Bella studied the dead reindeer's head with a frown,
Then she circled the pile, looking up and down.
Edward approached her. "Love, is something amiss?"
Bella closed her eyes and whispered, "Yes," with a hiss.
Jasper, feeling the upset coming from the three,
Sauntered over to them and said, "What's up, E?"
Bella spoke not a word, but pointed instead,
To a halter that graced the dead reindeer's head.
Edward and Jasper bent closer, the better to see.
Jasper gasped and Edward fell down on one knee.
The wind swirled the snow while the three vampires gaped
At the pile of dead reindeer whose heads were all draped
With matching harnesses all monogrammed.
"This is it," muttered Edward. "We are certainly damned."
Nessie was watching them, worry growing apace.
Her mother and father had frowns on their face.
"Mommy," she asked softly. "Mommy, who's Blitzen?"
Jasper hung his head low, and answered, "Oh, shitzen."
The others, now realizing something was wrong,
Came over to see what was causing the throng.
"Let's get these things buried and get back to the house!"
Cried Emmett, anxious to spend time with his spouse.
"There's a problem," said Edward, bidding them take heed,
hoping to convey the gravity of their deed.
"It would seem that in our haste to find something to eat,
that we ate Santa's reindeer, a monstrous feat."
"We must bury the deer and return to our house,
and talk to Carlisle about Santa Claus."
Nessie studied the reindeer, as if for a clue.
"Daddy," she said. "Does this mean that it's true?"
"I don't know," Edward answered, uncertainty plain.
"Our world has so many things hard to explain.
Vampires, shape-shifters, Children of the Moon.
Let's bury these and get back to Carlisle soon."
Nessie sidled up to Jacob, drawing him near.
He looked down at her, then to the pile of deer.
"It looks like we've made an incredible goof.
Santa exists and we just ate the proof."
They spoke not a word, but went straight to their task,
Then away to the house they returned, help to ask.
Jacob phased on the way and then put on some clothes
Earning some insults and sniping from Rose.
They crept into the house with a hesitant air,
Came into the great room (now Alice's lair).
The three vampires were working on trimming the tree.
The mood was quite festive and happy and free.
The group shuffled in, with their heads hanging low.
That something was up Carlisle seemed to know.
He descended the ladder and stood near the base
Of the enormous tree and he scanned Edward's face.
He clasped Edward's shoulder and gave it a squeeze.
"Is anything troubling you, Son, if you please?
The look on your face, it is giving me pause."
Edward sighed. "Can you tell us about Santa Claus?"
Carlisle was puzzled by his son's request.
"I know him; I've even once been his guest.
He has a nice place up North quite a way.
But why do you ask? Have you something to say?"
The others exchanged glances: surprise, shock and worry.
How to tell Carlisle their embarrassing story?
"But he is not real," said Rosalie, bemused.
"Thus spake the vampire," said Carlisle, amused.
"But why do you ask about my old friend, Kris?
Tell me what's happened. Is something amiss?"
They glanced at each other, by his question unmanned.
Finally Jasper stepped forward and held out his hand.
Carlisle took from his hand nine objects of leather.
They were tanned and aged and worn by the weather.
He examined them closely, and drew in a breath.
He raised his eyes to the group, his face still as death.
"You didn't," he whispered, shaking his head.
"We did," answered Jake, with his voice full of dread.
"We ate Santa's reindeer, but in our defense,
He really should keep those guys behind a fence."
"Agreed," chimed in Emmett, rallying to the cause.
"This guy's just plain careless, is this Santa Claus."
Ignoring the death glare Carlisle sent his way,
He said, "We ate them before we knew, anyway."
"We buried them so no one would be suspicious."
Jake said. "And besides, they were really delicious."
Carlisle looked like he was about to explode.
Jasper quickly went into soothing empath mode.
"None of this would have happened," Alice said with a smirk,
"If you all had just stayed here and finished your work."
"Just give me a reason," Rosalie growled as she stalked,
Toward the seat on which Alice wrapped presents and talked.
"That's enough!" shouted Carlisle, seeming quite mad.
"You kids have been quite unrelentingly bad.
Bickering and squabbling and fighting and such,
Is a nice, pleasant Christmas really asking too much?"
"And now, this latest stunt of yours takes the cake.
Do you realize the amends that I will have to make?
I'm going to call Kris and I am going to ask
If we can come visit him, and this will be your task."
"To explain what happened, and apologize, if you can,
and do what you must to appease the old man.
He fills an essential role in the world today,
And you must make this right, any way that you may."
Carlisle pulled out his iPhone and placed the call.
The rest stood as if waiting for the blade to fall.
"Kris, my old friend, it is Carlisle Cullen."
They waited, their faces all downcast and sullen.
"I'm sorry to bother you so near the big day,
but I have news to tell you; I must have my say."
Carlisle listened a moment, his eyes growing dark.
"You can call off the search, Kris. The news is most stark."
"My family and I beg you, please let us come.
There is much we must tell you; we'll meet at your home."
He spoke a bit more, then he hung up and said,
"Kris does not know his beloved reindeer are dead."
"He knows they are missing; broke free from their pen.
The elves are out searching through hill and through glen.
We must go to the Pole to confess this foul deed.
Let us go now, please run, with vampire speed."
The family set forth, without making a sound,
As fast as the wind o'er the hard frozen ground.
Soon they closed in on the magical spot.
They stopped and they stared as they slowed to a trot.
Santa's palace was glittering as they drew nigh,
A castle of snow and ice towering high.
"Let's go," said Carlisle. "Let us make haste.
There is news to deliver and not a minute to waste."
The gates swung open as they made their way forth.
The sentry greeted them, "Welcome, friends, to the North.
I was told to expect you, and here you may be.
Santa Claus awaits you; now please come with me."
They followed the elf down the shimmering walk,
Looking around them, too overwhelmed to talk.
Anon they were led to a cavernous hall.
Kris Kringle was standing at a desk by the wall.
The room was overflowing with elves by the score,
At tables and desks each engaged in a chore,
Tapping on keyboards they sat before iMacs,
The mood in the room was anything but lax.
"My friend," boomed Santa, approaching them fast.
"I've been on pins and needles since we spoke last.
We are all in a dither; the search in full swing;
My reindeer are missing; Christmas hangs by a string."
"It seems they broke free when a fence post did break,
A hasty escape the nine reindeer did make.
That idiot Rudolph, I'm sure led the way.
He may have a red nose, but he's not worth the hay."
"I have all the elves searching -- North, East, South, and West,
I've called in some favors; I've hired the best;
The FBI, CIA, and Interpol,
Geraldo Rivera and even Jules Kroll."
"Dear Santa," said Carlisle, with expression most grave,
"We hastened to tell you, your efforts to save.
We have news of your reindeer and the news is crude;
My family mistook them and ate them for food."
There was not a sound in the cavernous room.
The elves all were frozen; 'twas quiet as a tomb;
Santa looked pale; Carlisle feared he would vomit.
"Your family ate Dasher? And Vixen? And Comet?"
Emmett stepped forward with a comforting wink,
"This news is a shock but not as bad as you think.
Their end came quickly; without any panic;
And you really could tell that you raised them organic."
Nessie was frowning, while the family winced.
Of Santa's non-existence she had been so convinced.
Toward Bella's stories she'd been dismissive and haughty;
But now she was wrong, and had she ever been naughty.
That she ate his reindeer he could never forgive,
A transgression that would haunt her for a long as she'd live.
If it's true he keeps a list of naughty and nice,
Her name would be "naughty" 'til Hell was glazed in ice.
Edward listened to the old elf's turbulent thoughts,
Seeking a way that pardon could be begged or bought.
Santa was angry, dyspeptic and grave;
But foremost of his cares was this Christmas to save.
"Santa," Edward started, in a tone most beguiling,
"We want to assist you," he purred, gently smiling.
"Your reindeer – poor victims of a broken fence,
For their slaughter we wish to make full recompense."
"Let's pay him and go," huffed Rosalie, bored.
"This weeping and wailing is most untoward.
Nothing we can do will give those deer back life.
Write him a check; buy him a jet; end all this strife."
Carlisle groaned at Rosalie's suggestion.
He wrested back control of the topic in question.
"We've done a great wrong here, let us not forget.
Absolution we cannot barter for a jet."
Santa rejected Rosalie's words with a sneer.
"We have no interest in your blood money here.
Only one goal have the elves and I now:
We must deliver Christmas as always; but how?"
Alice slipped into a trance, to prognosticate,
A way out of this mess, she hoped to relate.
Her search of the future was fast and frenetic,
'Til her vision came speedy and peripatetic.
"Rosalie's right, but her scale's much too neat.
One jet just won't cut it; we'll need a whole fleet.
We'll each take a continent; load up the toys;
Then we'll deliver the presents to the girls and boys."
She ended her speech with clapping and squeals,
Like an old cymbal monkey in Jimmy Choo heels.
Santa was in doubt; did her plan bespeak malice?
Carlisle soothed, "Never bet against Alice."
Jasper joined in, his golden eyes were gleaming.
Logistical plans he was already scheming.
This campaign would be the highlight of his life,
If he could rein in his excitable wife.
Santa was doubtful, and shook his great head,
This never would work, he thought, filled with dread.
There were too many places, there was too much to do.
Millions of children, and hours too few.
"Kris," murmured Esme, in a voice most serene,
"I know you're dispirited in the extreme.
But we need to get past this unfortunate glitch,
And my family will pull this off without a hitch."
"Santa," said Emmett, to allay his fear.
"Vampires are better than a bunch of reindeer.
We're fast and we're strong to haul buttloads of toys
And we jump onto roofs without making a noise."
"Let's do it," cried Santa, clapping his hands.
"Children wait for presents in far distant lands.
To fail in our mission I can't comprehend,
To the ends of the Earth your children I'll send."
The others left Jasper and Santa to plan,
Returning home to recruit more help from their clan.
Eleazar and Carmen, Garrett and Kate,
And Tanya agreed, their enthusiasm great.
Jasper briefly considered inviting his friends
Peter and Charlotte, who were at loose ends.
But upon reflection it seemed none too wise
To summon vampires who sported red eyes.
While her husband was plotting the Yuletide campaign,
Alice kept busy in similar vein,
Clothier of the mission she had named herself,
Garb she would style for each vampire and elf.
"It should be black," Alice mused, "and must be skin tight,
So it won't flap in the wind as we run through the night.
It must be form-fitting so it won't catch or snag,
As we shimmy down chimneys hoisting a bag."
Alice sketched out her patterns, creating her clothes,
With input and comment and advice from Rose,
Together they styled their team uniform,
For the elves they crafted hats in cuneiform.
Alice and Rosalie took off in a rush
To shop for fabrics most luxurious and plush.
That were needed to bring Alice's vision to sight
And to outfit the troops before Christmas Eve night.
When they returned, Alice worked in a flurry,
Esme and Carmen helped, but they had to hurry.
To finish the sewing, a few days did it take,
Alice had clothes for the whole team, even for Jake.
When Jasper returned, he was more than impressed.
His intrepid wife had the whole army dressed.
Alice was effusive. "It's so au courant:
Think ninja with a dash of Yves Saint Laurent."
Jasper gathered them all; in the great room they joined,
To hear the plan that Santa and Jasper had coined.
Just like a general on a great sortie's eve,
Jasper prayed for them all in their plan to believe.
The strategy that Santa and Jasper did beget,
Involved teams heading off in many a Gulfstream jet,
To the various parts of the Earth they would fly,
And deliver the toys before morning was nigh.
Elves would accompany each vampire patrol,
For tactical support and quality control,
They would fly through the night, ahead of the sun,
Spanning the globe with Christmas cheer for everyone.
They hurried to dress in their black regimentals
Anxious to start their trips transcontinental.
They raced toward Santa's, with strides oversized,
To implement what Jasper had strategized.
When they arrived at the Pole, they gathered around,
Santa and Jasper to hear words most profound.
"It's show time!" called Santa, his elves so to rally.
Time to effectuate that naughty/nice tally."
"All over the planet, children are waiting,
A magical Christmas to be celebrating.
We've had to get over some really bad luck.
Now get on those planes and don't screw it up."
With those rousing words, the troops all took flight
And set off in their jets in the cold winter night.
Nessie was thrilled to be asked to assist
Santa himself as he checked names off the list.
The vampires hastened from city to town,
Scampering up buildings then racing back down.
Their vampiric skills made them quick at their task,
A superior effort Santa could not ask.
They gathered at the Pole on Christmas at dawn.
The elves were exhausted; their faces were drawn.
But Santa was giddy as he raised up his glass.
"You vampires, and werewolf, have surely kicked ass."
"This Christmas will be written in story and song,
As our best effort yet, with nothing gone wrong.
To speak ill of the dead I am loathe to do,
But those nine flying reindeer had nothing on you."
The vampires were pleased to have helped make things right,
To have assisted in saving this Christmas Eve night.
The scales now were balanced; wrongs were atoned.
The vampires were anxious to be heading home.
To the sleepy-eyed elves, they said their good-byes.
Their parting from Santa brought venom to their eyes.
But they heard him exclaim, through the night, cold and clear,
"Thanks for your help! I'll see you same time, next year!"