DISCLAIMER: Don't own anything associated with the show… I just like playing with the characters in it from time to time. Dance Monkeys! Dance!
RATING: Teen
SPOILERS: Thru 9X02
WORD COUNT: 10,156 (Not as epic, but not small either)
PAIRINGS: GSR
SUMMARY: Where does Sara go after her second departure from Las Vegas? Post-Ep to 9X02
A/N: Events in my life slowed the completion of this story until tonight, as I tried to avoid watching 9X05 for now. I have not watched 9X05 yet, so there's nothing in here relating to that episode. Either way, I hope you find something to enjoy in this story.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: This story was greatly aided by the expertise of a fellow 1Hour2Writer. Your language skills are top notch and your humor never fails to leave me with a giggle. Thank you very much for your assistance with my astoundingly rusty Spanish. I will have to come up with another beta psuedonym just for you. As always, GuerillaBeta was hard at work, slogging through another massive fic, and I have nothing but love for her.
REVIEWS: Reviews are the way I know if people are enjoying the work or not. So, if you leave one, THANKS! And if not, I hope you found at least a little something to brighten your day, and thanks for taking the time to read.
When the rain first started to pour in the early January afternoon, Sara knew the seasons were changing. She didn't need the ache in her shoulders to tell her she had been out there for too long.
Soaking wet, she and the other volunteers made their way back to the Charles Darwin Research Station after installing the latest upgrades to the solar collection units. The leader of their project greeted them with apologies and hot coffee. "Mea culpa, mis dulces. I was not here to sound the horn when the rains began in the highlands. Your equipment is not damaged, no?"
The smallest of their compatriots was bent over trying to wring all of the water out of her immensely long hair when she answered, "Thankfully, we had the tarps with us, so everything still looks pretty dry, Señor Augustine. The only damages I can see are the drowned rats we've got here."
"Drowned rats? I like that one, Señorita Alison." He handed her one of the towels from the cart and laughed. "There is coffee and hot water, and I brought some empanadas back with me from the market." He turned back to Sara and Alison to offer, "And I remember to get empanadas del queso para usted."
Sara smiled as she took the towel. "Gracías, Señor Augustine. Usted es muy bueno."
He clapped with his approval. "De nada, Señora Sara. Su español se mejora mucho." Learning Spanish was one of the many things Sara was trying to fix in her life
The language had proven far more difficult than she ever imagined, but since coming to Puerto Ayora, she found it was getting easier with every passing day. Once again proving that the experts really could be right; total immersion in the culture and language was most definitely the way to go. "I'm sure I've still got a long way to go, Señor Augustine. Pero estoy intentando."
"It is all we ask, Senora." The man's bright face had been one of the many joys of working on this project. Sara found him to be kind and supportive throughout their stay at the station. From the big bushy moustache (that seemed to have a personality all its own) to the way his eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled, Dr. Augustine Carrión de Olmedo was a memorable man. Not just for his physical attributes and his intellect, but for his hospitality and welcoming personality.
During their orientation, Señor Augustine proclaimed that at the research station everyone was a student, and all titles ceased to exist upon entering their doors. As the oldest member of their team, Sara was instantly singled out as Señora Sara; the mother hen of their roost. And after getting to know Señor Augustine and his family a little better, he stood by his initial impression.
Sara had come to Isla Santa Cruz to participate in the Galapagos Conservation Trust's efforts to keep alive the project of achieving energy independence for the research station on the island. Along with the Charles Darwin Foundation, the GCT managed to pool together several leading researchers and university personnel to come out for the "dry season" to make improvements to the collection grid, and to begin a wiring project linking up all of the station's computers to run off of the power generated by the solar panels.
Arriving in November, they had been working diligently to upgrade the panels, improve the power collection and the storage facilities while some very talented electrical engineers got busy installing the lines for the computer labs. The work was delicate and back breaking, and some days Sara barely had the energy to make it up the few stairs to her modest room at the Hotel España in town. But it was all worth it if they could effectively remove the station's need for diesel fuel generators. After the disaster from the tanker spill in 2001, no one wanted to see that kind of damage done to the archipelago's fragile ecosystem again.
After so many months of painstaking and rewarding work, Sara still had to laugh that her little trip was nothing more than the product of desperate pillow talk. When she mentioned the trip to Gil as they lay silently in bed, it was simply a way to fill the empty space. But deep in her heart she knew it had been a test. A test they both failed.
No matter how many times she told herself, and Gil, she didn't want him to chase after her, that she needed to be alone, it never changed the truth. Down in the dark and doubting depths of her soul, she held onto the notion that if he really and truly cared, nothing would stand in his way. Her higher mind told her he was only honoring her wishes, and it wasn't fair of her to judge him because of that. But still…she wanted him to come after her.
Sitting alone in the apartment in San Francisco, she realized how unfair she had been, but she was also sure she had burned her last bridge with Gil. There was just so much still left unsaid between them, and she simply wasn't sure where to start. So, when she heard some of the grad students talking about the volunteer project in the Galapagos, she didn't hesitate to sign up.
Ten weeks in the Galapagos working to preserve the ecosystem and to advance the use of solar technology was a perfect fit for Sara, merging all the dimensions of her personality with her professional life. The fact that it was three thousand miles away from her nearest problem was just an added bonus. Working sometimes to the point of total exhaustion, she tried to clear her mind of everything, giving her precious peace from the echoing voices in her head. Sometimes it even worked. But only sometimes.
She found herself drenched in her own tears on more mornings than she cared to remember. And walking alone on the volcanic sandy beaches of the coastline would leave her with an unbelievable weight around her heart. Everything since the previous November had turned out to be so much harder than she ever imagined that Sara began to think she wasn't nearly as intelligent as had long been purported.
When she finally broke down and sent Gil an email in the middle of a particularly bad night, she waited to see his response. She knew he checked his personal email every night, and with the three hour time difference she was confident he would be awake to receive it. She fell asleep with that knowledge still fresh in her mind. So, when the sun filtered in through her shuttered window Sara was well past disappointed to find no reply. She checked her email off and on all day, all that night and all the next day. There was never a response.
There was no response to the next four emails she sent, or to the voicemail she left for him by the end of week five.
At the end of week six Sara was starting to lose all hope. She continued to work hard, sometimes past the point of exhaustion, which was when Señor Augustine told her to take a couple days off to recuperate.
Señor Augustine was the reason she had been able to stick it out through the entire ten week stint. When he saw her keeping a distance from the other volunteers, he invited her to his home for the evening meal. He and his wife had been surprised to find that she was staying at the Hotel España.
It was not common for one of the volunteers to stay somewhere other than the hotel near the station, but Sara told the Carrión's she was more interested in immersing herself in the culture, than whooping it up in the "CDRS Dorm" at the Galapagos Hotel. The couple quickly took her under their wing and she was eating there at least once a week for the duration. They helped her with the language and introduced her to the many culinary delights the area had to offer. And they gave her a few hours a week to not feel so all alone.
Tucked away in Room Five every night, Sara could listen to the excited voices of the other guests and the bustle of the village street below her screened window. Esther, the hotel's manager and daughter of the owner, tried to offer her one of the air conditioned rooms on several occasions, but Sara enjoyed the calm cool Southern Tradewinds that whisked over the island during the dry season. She also liked that her little room was away from the noise and companionship of the myriad of backpackers who seemed to make their way to the Hotel España.
It was a clean, quiet, and affordable hotel with private bathrooms and a common kitchen area if you were looking to save a little money on a trip to the island. The affordability made the little out of the way hotel a backpacker's haven in the tourist town. Sara liked it because it wasn't on the main drag, lost in one of the more family friendly parts of the little village and it still only took her ten minutes on foot to reach anything she needed, including the research station.
She had everything she needed there in the hotel, she was once again enjoying her work, she had found friends in the Carrión family, she rapidly picking up the language and the food was incredible. The patacones alone were soon to be her undoing, but once you added in the locro soup and the llapingachos and the choclo, not to mention the fruits, Sara had put on at least fifteen pounds since her arrival. She wasn't sure how, with all of the physical labor she was doing, but Señora Evelia tried to tell her it was "todos musculos." Sara didn't quite buy it, especially when she looked in the mirror every morning at her rounding face, but she would admit that she felt healthier than she had in years.
Looking into the small mirror on the wall in the mud room as she pulled her wet and tangled hair into a small ponytail, she made a mental note to not skip her morning run any longer. Before she could delve any further into the list of things she was going to have to change, Alison nudged her. "Hey, Sara. A bunch of us are getting together at Limon tonight for a big send off before we all ship out day after tomorrow. I know you aren't into the whole partying thing, but it would be really great if you joined us."
"I don't know, Alison." Sara had been refusing the invitations so often, that it had become a habit. The other members of the team had all grown very close, but Sara felt somehow disconnected from the group. While she considered Alison a friend and colleague, the others just seemed so young and she really wasn't into the all night drinking that seemed to be their standard operating procedure.
"C'mon. I know you're staying, but it's the last night for most of us. And I want a chance to get you up on that stage again." Sara hung her head in shame. The first week there she was trying desperately to forget all of her troubles and ended up imbibing in one too many Canelazos. While under the influence, she was persuaded to join Alison in a memorable (for everyone else anyway) rendition of "The Boy is Mine." Sensing that Sara was about to cave Alison added, "And I was thinking we could really kill 'Because of You.'"
Kelly Clarkson finally did her in and she broke out laughing. "No way. Not even going there."
"Okay, fine. If you agree to come willingly, I will even let you pick the song." Sara tried to maintain her resolve, but then Señor Augustine spoke.
"I would be most pleased to witness this talent. I have heard many things about your last performance, Señora Sara, and I am looking forward to it tonight." His comment shocked her.
"Are you going to the bar tonight, Señor Augustine?"
"Sí, I always spend the last night with the departing students. It is the only time mi esposa allows me into the club without her." Sara laughed at his joke, because she knew full well that his wife was the free-spirited one in their home. Señora Evelia was a remarkable artist and the two were the perfect blend of contrasts, balancing science and art, religion and spiritualism, pragmatism and impulsiveness.
"C'mon, Sara." Terry, the other person there from the Berkeley Physics Department joined in on the assault. "I promise to keep you supplied with fried bananas all night, if you come." Sara laughed again, as it was apparent that her weakness for patacones was common knowledge.
She finally acquiesced under their combined pressure. "Okay, okay! But I am not promising to sing again. I refuse to drink that much anymore."
"Oh man! Don't I know it! Those Canelazos will kill you, but the Pisco is a really nice substitute."
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The rains continued for the better part of the afternoon, so the team finally had to give in and call it a day. Instead of allowing her to walk back to her hotel in the rain, Señor Augustine drove her there in his converted electric Jeep.
Alone in her room, listening to the chattering of the backpackers as they prepared their evening meals in the kitchen downstairs, Sara strained to focus on her thoughts. She had a decision to make, and it was not getting any easier by ignoring the issue.
The ten week trip was about to end. Officially, it was already over. When they turned in their tools that afternoon it signified the last of their work for the project. They had accomplished so much in their time on the island; completing nearly half the wiring to get the network totally online, increasing the efficiency of the total collection grid by almost fifteen percent with the application of Alison's new prototype cells in the first quarter of the panels, and repairing all of the damage done during a tropical storm produced in the previous rainy season.
They all had good reason to be proud of the work they had done, and Sara was surprised by all the new things she picked up while working with Alison and Terry. She quickly learned a new respect for the more practical application of physics in the greater world.
But there were other more important things she had learned from the uncommon couple, like what a good couple could be. She watched them working alone and together and she was amazed by the unspoken synchronization that seemed to exist between them. They were very different people, but at the same time, they also appeared to act as one entity.
It wasn't that they were overt about their affection, and some people on the team and even at the university never actually realized they were married. But when they were together, there was a comfort there and a kindness in their actions as they worked side by side to achieve their individual goals.
As she watched them walking back to their hotel one evening, she had a revelation about her envy. They all walked together, quietly talking about the progress they had made over the course of the day, just like any other evening. Alison was caught up in the conversation and not really watching where she was going. Without any notice, Terry merely put his hand on the small of Alison's back as she questioned Sara about one of the conductors she had tested, and gently moved her away from the puddle she was about to step in. Such a simple gesture, without any fuss or notice, and yet it made Sara feel infinite shame.
How many times had Grissom done something just like that for her? A million simple gestures and Sara had been blind to them all. Sara was not jealous of the relationship that Alison and Terry had, which she didn't. No, she was jealous because she had it, and never knew or appreciated it.
She turned over on the modest bed and looked at the photo she kept on the table. It was taken many years ago, before coming to Las Vegas. She liked it because they were both smiling brightly. No smirks, no sullen faces, no tension, no fear, no frustration, just two happy people enjoying each other's company.
When it was good between them, when they simply allowed their company to be enough, both of their ghosts would fade away. But eventually the old fears, the old worries would creep in and they would lose that happiness. That was why Sara left him. The ghosts seemed to be coming in faster and faster every day, and she just couldn't hold onto that happiness.
Sara thought the only answer would be to put some of those ghosts to rest before they broke her. He had already seen her through so much pain, and she hated how it affected him, but worse than that, she hated depending on him to be there. She felt broken, and she felt unworthy of his attention, and she didn't want to be a burden to him, or anyone.
Feeling the inevitable breakdown coming, when she would no longer be able to hide her flaws or her failures from him, Sara felt she had to leave. She refused to allow Grissom to see her broken again. It hurt too much to see him suffer while she tried to put the pieces back together. And that was what she had been doing in San Francisco.
The trouble was that while she was pulling herself back together she came upon two very important and very unsettling truths. First, her work had become her downfall. Grissom had been right all along, she was burning herself up by not being able to separate herself from the work. It didn't matter how good she was at forensic investigation, it was destroying her soul. And that was Grissom's fault.
She was able to handle the ups and downs for the most part. At least, she was able to deal with the fallout from them as long as she was able to ignore everything else about her heart. Locking it all away and letting her heart harden a little more everyday seemed to be working. It was working up until the moment she opened her heart up to him again.
At first, she thought it was helping. She felt calmer once the tension between them eased, and she went through most cases with relative ease. And then it happened. Watching those home videos of the boy and his father destroying small animals for fun brought it all back. All of the things she had spent her entire adult life trying to forget began to bubble to the surface. Between the cruelty of the father and the acceptance of the mother contained on those tapes, Sara would have been insane not to make the connection.
By the time she helped the paramedics load the Malton boys into the back of the ambulance a couple months later she knew something needed to be done. When she told Brass to "go with the living" she wasn't just talking about where he should take the boys' mother. She was talking about herself.
For years she had chosen to close the door on her past. Treating it like one of the many ghosts in her life, ignoring it meant it wasn't real. The problem with that theory was that her life before wasn't dead. Not completely. There was another living thing out there, with her face and graying hair, and a lot of the same ghosts.
Sara wanted to find her, and had pulled up her criminal file on LexisNexis more times than she could begin to count. But she would simply stare at the case file name sitting in the search fields until her fear took over again and she'd clear the search.
Those words never left her, they were the title to the volume that was her childhood, but she simply lacked the courage to open the book. To stare into another person's eyes and see the same haunted look she found in the mirror was her greatest fear. She could not bear to find, that after everything was said and done, she truly was her mother's daughter, as her father had so often told her.
Sara continued to stare at the screen for two more months, desperate to know, and scared of the truth. But it seemed the universe truly wanted her to suffer when she was forced to scour through countless photos of battered women and their injuries. Each photo was like another blow, only more horrific than the one before. Everyone looked familiar, in some twisted joke of depravity.
Any scars which may have developed over her heart since her world was ripped apart all those years ago were torn open in a flash of anger and rage when she watched the man she saw as a batterer walking away from his wife's murder. Anger with the system, anger at society. And the rage came from wondering if someone had ever been there to stand up for her or her mother. From wondering if they were kept at bay by protocol and bias from their superiors.
Catherine really wasn't the source of her problem, but in the moment she embodied everything that was wrong with a system and society more concerned with the rights of the accused than the victims. She wasn't the source, but she was most certainly the recipient of so many years of pain and frustration and rage.
When Grissom confronted her about the blowup, she wasn't ready for him. She wasn't ready for him to be so concerned, and she definitely wasn't ready for the man to ask her to tell him the problem. She couldn't even talk about it in her own head back then, let alone explain the dark demons of her past to him. Even through her own pain, she could feel his suffering and torment. Sara knew then she had to stop running from her past. It was a race she could not keep up any longer. And with his hand squeezing hers tightly, she found something to anchor her in place.
From that simple foundation she began to build her life. And slowly, very gradually, it seemed she not only found some happiness within herself, she found it with Grissom as well. Grissom may have been right when he said their relationship began all those years ago at Berkeley, but this new phase began on her sofa, as the tears poured out and opened both of their hearts to one another.
Being with Grissom kept her heart open, making it even harder to distance herself from those difficult cases. And instead of distancing herself from him or from the cases, she started locking it all up inside. She didn't talk about the cases at home, and she didn't talk about the cases outside of work. Sara seemed to have fallen back into her mother's old habit; if you didn't talk about it, it wasn't real. She should have known better. They never talked about the abuse, but that didn't stop it from being very real and tearing them apart.
After her abduction, she had trouble keeping those things locked away. She found herself letting little things slip. Her patience with anything grew very thin and she often lashed out when she was frustrated. By the time she walked into that domestic violence scene with Roni, she was numb from all of the things assaulting her conscious mind. But seeing that knife sticking out of the women's back practically paralyzed her as everything poured out of her subconscious in a flood of long repressed memories.
However, instead of stepping back and dealing with what was happening, Sara forged ahead, letting the anger and the rage consume her again. The bitterness which had long been her constant companion surged in her soul, making her a wrathful tool of vengeance and fury.
Hannah West never stood a chance against Sara in that state. She managed to reduce the misguided and irrational wunderkind into a heaping mass of agony and misery. As she watched the girl crying out through her sobs of torment, Sara felt nothing but satisfaction from the girl's pain, and that was when she knew. Sara knew she had reached the bitter end of her sanity.
She was losing her grip and she had to do something before it was too late. That was why she left the first time. She left because she knew her own misery and rage could only be satisfied in the torment of others, and she had to learn how to let it go. Sara refused to let history repeat itself. She refused to make Grissom the next victim of her father's rage and her mother's misery.
Slowly, as she began to work through her problems by forcing her mother to finally talk to her, Sara understood that she needed something different in her life. The work, while important, simply wasn't something she could do and maintain her sanity, her humanity. Forensics had become a love-hate relationship for her, and from the example of her parents, she knew that was not something she could endure any longer. All of those things combined brought her back to her first love of theoretical physics, and to Berkeley.
Sara reached into the drawer in the bedside table and brought out the photo-flip from her wallet. The picture of her and Alison as fresh-faced idealistic grad students always made her smile. When Sara called her out of the blue one day, she was treated to a three hour conversation allowing them to catch up and get reacquainted. By the time they met for coffee the next day, it was like those eight years had never happened, and they were right back to where they were before she left for Las Vegas.
Alison introduced her to the department head, and in no time flat, Sara had found her place again. Solving problems through the rigid controls of math and science, devoid of the human element made her happy. She felt such an incredible amount of satisfaction determining the exact force tolerance on a convex aluminum surface, she began to wonder why she ever left that world.
That was when she finally learned the hardest truth from the whole experience. Her new life was in the academic community of San Francisco, but her heart and soul was still sitting behind a desk in the crime lab in Las Vegas, pulling doubles and patiently waiting for her to return.
Without a single doubt in her mind, she knew she belonged with Grissom, that they belonged together. The problem with that understanding was it also came with the knowledge that his life was in Las Vegas sitting behind that desk, working doubles and wanting her there with him.
Unable to look at his picture any longer, Sara turned onto her back and stared up into the ceiling fan as it lazily spun on its axis. She was able to spot the wobbling pattern in the rotations right away, knowing that one of the blades was off balance from the others, and doing the analysis in her mind, she suspected that one of the anchoring bolts was probably loose as well. Sara often used practical physics analyses as a way to distract her from the loneliness of life without Grissom.
She tried to explain it to him over and over while she was in San Francisco. To let him know she still wanted a life with him, but she just couldn't do it in Las Vegas. What she should have told him was that it was far more than want; she truly needed to be with him. Being with him was the only time she felt true peace. But short of giving him an ultimatum, she hadn't been successful in making him understand her fragile position.
She would never ask him to walk away from his work, from his life. And he seemed unable to ask the same of her. She should have expected his terse words when she questioned his analysis of the Adler case. He would never come right out and say it, but knowing he was unhappy with their situation was one thing. Having him tell her, in his roundabout way, that she needed to leave him to give him peace was something else entirely.
Didn't he know that she could never truly leave him? Hadn't more than six years of living off the scraps of his affection shown him she was devoted to him? Those deliberately vague words hurt far more than only being able to read the words "I love you" in a letter he could never send her.
Leaving the second time was painful, but at least Sara knew it was what he wanted. It wasn't until she was back in San Francisco that it really started to sink in. After signing on for the trip, she thought about sending him an open invitation to join her, but he had already turned her down once when it was just about just the two of them. And when she had finally reached out to him… Sara was forced to assume that Grissom's silence was his only answer.
Sara would have continued the daily ritual of counting all the reasons her life was messed up, if not for the alarm chiming on her watch. She brought her wrist into view and saw that it was time to get ready to meet the other volunteers at the bar. She dreaded the very idea of it, but she knew it was a necessary evil. They would all be leaving within a day or so, and she needed to give them her best, especially Alison and Terry.
It was going to be a long time before Sara would see Alison again. Apparently the couple had found time for something other than work, because the week before they were thrilled to discover they were expecting their first child.
Taking a few minutes to splash some water on her face and tame her hair, Sara pulled out the only dress she had brought with her to the island. It was a simple cotton sundress, nothing fancy, but it gave her the appearance of trying to be festive.
As she stared in the mirror, Sara sized herself up. "Oh well, at least it doesn't make me look like an old maid college professor." And with a resounding nod of approval, Sara was off to walk down to the Limon y Café.
By the time she arrived at the popular night spot, her fellow workers were already well into their second or third rounds. The moment she was spotted they all called her over to their tables. A chorus of "Saaaaaaaaa-ra!" was her greeting.
As they started with the toasts, Sara worried she would never get out of there. She had wisely chosen a simple Pilsner for the evening, instead of the rather potent local fare. When it came around to her turn, Sara did not have to struggle for her toast.
Sara raised her bottle into the air as she stood and said, "To the proof that the geek truly shall inherit the earth." Everyone laughed at one of their favorite jokes as they brought their glasses up to make the toast. "To Alison and Terry, may their days and nights be filled with Baby Mozart and environmentally friendly diapers."
The entire bar cheered for the happy couple, causing a wonderful blush to fall over Alison's face, and an enormous smile to be plastered on Terry's.
Terry was next, and as he stood up from his seat, glass modestly raised, the group quieted to hear the very soft-spoken man. "As you all know, Sara is much more than a colleague to Alison and I, she is a part of our lives. We wish her nothing but success on this new path she's chosen. And so, to Dr. Sara Sidle, the new project director for the Charles Darwin Foundation. To Señora Sara!"
Sara shook her head at the man's toast. She had asked Señor Augustine to not make any announcements about the position until she was sure she would take it. She only mentioned it to Alison and Terry to get their opinions about it.
The foundation sent their field director down the week before to talk to her about taking over the solar collection grid project, and to assist Señor Augustine in managing the volunteer programs at the research station. Sara had been utterly shocked by the offer, and said as much to the man. His answer made her feel more comfortable with the whole thing. He told her that her name was mentioned in almost every staff member's weekly field report for each of the ten weeks she was on the island. And that after learning from Señor Augustine how well she was acclimating to the town and the people, the board of directors felt there was no one else more qualified for the position.
The problem was she still wasn't sure she was ready to give up on her life in the states, or her life with Grissom. When Señor Augustine's wife questioned her about the apprehension she was feeling regarding the offer, Sara told her the whole story.
It felt strange to talk about her relationship with Grissom, but Señora Evelia wasn't just anyone. She had been trained as a psychologist and aide worker, but when she burned out after a series of particularly bad cases, she abandoned the field and returned to her first love of art. In doing so, she was able to reconnect with her first true love, Señor Augustine. Sara found in her a kindred spirit, and they frequently spent the evening enjoying some tea and conversation on the Carrion's patio after dinner.
After managing to explain the whole thing to Señora Evelia, Sara felt a lot better. With a soft hand on her forearm she said, "Be very careful, Mija. This decision you make, it changes everything. Be certain you are ready for all it will mean for you." And that's exactly what Sara had been doing. Unfortunately, Señor Augustine was mistaking her silence as acceptance of the offer.
She still had two weeks to make up her mind. That was when the field director would return to get her final answer. Sara wasn't sure what that answer would be.
Staying in the Galapagos meant changing her doctoral dissertation, but more than that, it meant she was finally letting go of the past. It was the letting go which was tormenting her the most.
The demons and ghosts that once haunted her were gone. They were gone because she finally understood that the work she was doing only fed them and kept them strong. She was able to let go of the past by leaving forensics work. There were plenty of puzzles in the world left for her to solve without the torture and pain of staring into the empty eyes of countless victims. But to leave forensics also meant she had to leave Las Vegas. And Grissom.
He simply couldn't understand why she had to distance herself from the place, as well as the work. And if the sheer hell that came about as a result of her last brief visit wasn't enough to prove it to him, she just didn't know what else to do. Because of her time Vegas, there would never be a time when someone didn't think to involve her in the cases. And all of the deliberate care she had taken to extricate herself from that which hurt her was for naught as long as she was there.
Sara hoped he would eventually see that she wasn't going to change her mind and try to come to some kind of compromise that worked for both of them. She couldn't ever ask him to walk away from the lab, or his work. She was only asking that he try to understand why she had to go and to respect that choice. But she supposed after everything else that had gone on between them, it was just too much to ask.
She didn't want to believe it was over between them, but his lack of response spoke volumes to her about how he felt. As much as she wanted him back in her life, she wanted him to be happy as well, and if that meant he had to continue his work without her, she had to respect his decision. No matter how much his decision hurt, she owed him at least that much.
With everyone around her celebrating the conclusion of their assignment, Sara felt completely out of place. She was happy for them, but there were far too many things weighing heavy on her mind to allow her to join in their revelry. She reached over to tap Alison on the arm, and let her know that she was going to leave.
Once her attention was on Sara, she said, "I'm gonna go."
"Oh, come on, Sara. Just stay a little while longer, please?" Alison pleaded with her friend to stay.
"I'm sure everyone will have a great time, with or without me. I just want to get away from the noise." Sara tried desperately to make her friend understand.
Before Alison could raise another objection, Señor Augustine came up to them with a phone pressed to his ear. He held up his hand in a gesture meant to make them wait a moment.
"Si, yo comprendo… Muchachos Americanos, si… En Puerto aqui, ahora, si… Uno momento, Capitan." He covered the phone with his hand and looked right at Sara when he asked, "Señora Sara, the Yoshka is in dock at the port, and Capitan Alvarez needs someone to meet them at la Oficina Naval."
Sara looked at her watch and saw that it was a little late for either group to be operating in the port. The Navy Office was typically closed before four in the afternoon, and the Sea Shepherd vessel Yoshka was usually out patrolling on the Costa Rican side of the archipelago at that time of night. "What's going on?"
"Nada, Senora. Just a group of seasick doctors. And Capitan Alvarez is not wanting them to scare off the pescadores por la noche." They all laughed at the notion of ancient Captian Alvarez dealing with anyone tossing their stomach contents over the sides of his ship. "Evelia is expecting me a casa, and it will take some time to process them. Por favor, can you handle this para me?"
She smiled warmly at the frazzled man. Dividing his loyalties between his family and his work was a difficult thing for Señor Augustine. Sara was happy to help him, especially as it gave her a good excuse to leave the party. "Para usted cualquier cosa."
He returned her smile brightly and began to speak again into the phone. "Capitan… Si, Señora Sidle estará allí en un minuto, Capitan… Gracias por su trabajo." He hung up the phone and thanked her for the help. "Gracias, Señora. Capitan Alvarez is waiting for you with the Commander on the dock."
"Then it's best I don't keep them waiting. Go home to your esposa, Señor. She is probably waiting as well."
They walked out of the tavern and down the block together until Señor Augustine turned to head inland for his home and Sara turned toward the port office. It was a beautiful evening for walking, and Sara enjoyed the quiet murmurs of life along the island village main street much more than the actual participation. The high tourist season was just beginning, and the taverns of Puerto Ayora were already showing signs of it.
Passing by the little café with the large red sign, Sara thought of all the afternoons she spent sitting beneath the large tree on the deck of Terranostra. It was the only place on the island that specifically catered to vegetarians, and Sara found herself eating there quite often.
Every time she looked at the menu and all of the items they jokingly advertised which would not be served there, she thought of Grissom. She imagined the sounds of the amused chuckle he would let loose as he read about the sopa de tortuga en su caparazon (turtle soup, served in its shell) which would not be served. She tried not to think of the countless puns he would come back with as he read about the Piquero en salsa de naranja (booby in orange sauce). Sara would smirk with the possibilities, but it was always short-lived. Once she remembered he would never again sit across the table from her trying to make her snort her own soup with his dry-witted jokes, her mood would turn dark.
It was not only hard to imagine a life without him in it, it was downright impossible. Even walking through the streets of a village he had never been in, her thoughts always ended up with him. Sara knew it wasn't going to be easy, but as she neared the dock fish market she finally understood what she needed to do.
She was going to have to try one more time to put things right with the man who was such a real part of her very soul. She would have to make one more trip to Las Vegas, and hope that this time she could really tell him what she felt and why. She didn't have a choice, she simply had to try. The alternative was as foul to her mind as the ancient fish market was to her nostrils.
Rounding the corner to reach the Navy Office, Sara first saw the grizzled old sea captain smoking a cigar out on the dock. He looked rather agitated, and Sara knew it was not going to be a pleasant exchange. She really wasn't in the right frame of mind for such a confrontation, but she owed it to Señor Augustine and the rest of the staff at the CDRS to keep relations with the Sea Shepherd captains on the fair side of the weather.
The moment he saw her, he snuffed out his cigar on the bottom of his boot heel and tucked it back into his chest pocket. Walking toward her, the man shoved his hands into pockets and tried to put on a kinder face.
"Señora Sidle?" He asked with an even tone.
"Si… Bienvenudos a Santa Cruz, Capitan Alvarez." The man smiled at the only mildly mangled Spanish.
"Gracias, Señora. Pero, hablo ingles." He smirked and squinted his eyes when he added, "Probably better than you espeak Spanish, no?"
She blushed at his question and answered, "Probablemente… Pero estoy intentando."
"That you are, Señora. That you are." He laughed heartily at her remarks, and it seemed as though ten years washed away from his face as he did.
When his laughter died down, Sara asked, "I hear you have a couple of very green doctors to drop off with us. Where might they be hiding, Capitan?"
"Green, indeed. Most of them spent the entire voyage from Quito bent over my railing. They were no use to me, so I deliver them a day early." He pulled out a pocket watch and flipped open the case to check the time. "Almost a day early. Anyway, they are in with the Commander, making sure their papers are in order."
Sara could then hear the strained voice of the Commander as he seemed to be having some kind of difficulty. "What's all that about?"
He chuckled at her question. "One of the men is not happy. Customs detained him in Quito and they quarantined his perro."
"He brought his dog?" Sara was shocked at such a thing from one of the CDRS researchers. The introduction of dogs into the fragile ecosystem in the Galapagos had been a hot topic issue for some time.
"Si, he claims the dog was already cleared by the park's rangers, and by the customs people en America. Pero, Ecuador customs was not happy con his documentos." The captain shrugged his shoulders at the whole thing. "Must be perro muy especiale for all the trouble."
"I guess so." Sara had to laugh at the idea of anyone going through that much trouble for a short trip to the island for a dog.
But before her laughter could start, she watched several men appear in the doorway of the office. Each looked a little worse for the wear, but they also looked happy to see a smiling face.
The captain stepped forward and gestured from the men to Sara when he said, "Gentlemen, let me introduce you. This is Señora Sidle from the Darwin Station. She will be taking you off of my hands and out to the station to get settled."
They each tipped their caps to her and the captain continued, "Señora, may I present to you, Doctor Green a Utah, Doctores Casantini y Birrer a Colorado, and Doctor Duck-worth a Arízona." Captain Alvarez spoke each name with deliberate carefulness, especially the last one, which seemed to amuse him.
"Doctores…" Sara nodded to each of them. "Bienvenudos a Santa Cruz y Puerto Ayora."
They each glanced in the direction of the very large Dr. Birrer, who stepped forward and awkwardly began. "Gracias, Señora Sidle." Sara instantly recognized that the men believed she was a native speaker, but before she could stop the man from struggling any further, the captain nudged her and gave a wink. It was obvious he wanted to see how the man did with his Spanish.
"Somos feleecas de estarrr ain teearra feermay." He looked practically ashen with fear as he spoke the final, badly mangled word.
"I think you meant, 'Somos felices de estar en tierra firme,' Dr. Birrer." Each of the men looked positively relieved to hear her perfect American English.
"Thank you! I wasn't quite ready to spend so much time speaking Spanish yet." He turned, slightly red faced, to the captain and said, "No offense, Captain."
"None taken, Muchacho." He clapped the big man on the shoulder and then turned back to Sara. "Señora, I leave these men in your capable hands. I wish that I could stay and share a cerveza with you, but there are criminales in need of my atención." Captain Alvarez reached out for her hand and gently kissed the back of it before saying, "Hasta que nos encontremos otra vez, Señora."
Sara blushed slightly with his gesture and offered, "Vaya con dios, Capitan." He nodded, made the sign of the cross, kissed his fingers and offered them to the heavens as he nodded and walked away.
When Sara turned back to the visiting doctors, she wondered where the commander was, because she knew that he would have some paperwork for her to sign. "Excuse me, gentlemen. I am assuming the commander is waiting for me so I can sign for you."
Dr. Duckworth stepped forward and held up his hands to stop her. "I ah, think the commander is still busy with our other colleague, Ms. Sidle."
"Oh, I didn't realize there were more of you. It's usually just the four." Sara tried not to look as confused as she felt. With every visiting group of researchers brought in by the Sea Shepherd, there were only ever four people.
Dr. Green smiled and said, "He was a last minute addition. Not really part of our group."
Sara made small talk with the researchers, learning what each was there to study, as they waited for the final member of their party to immerge from the commander's office.
They waited for a few minutes before finally seeing the commander come walking from his office as he continued to speak. "I assure you, Señor, the animal will be on the very next flight into the aeropuerto. My government does not wish to cause you any further delay, and we apologize for the inconvenience of a few over-eager customs agents."
As the man to whom he was speaking exited the office, Sara felt all the air rush out of her lungs at once. She couldn't believe her eyes, but her heart was not about to wait for empirical evidence to prove it true. Without hesitating long enough for them to even acknowledge her presence, Sara launched herself at the man, even as he attempted to answer the commander.
"Gracias, Commander, y le agradezco por tomar cuidado de-OOF!" Her arms instantly found their place around his neck and her lips wasted no time in molding themselves to his as she greeted the object of her every waking thought and dream. He was surprised at first, but the moment her mouth met his he seemed to understand, and his arms wound around her waist, holding her tightly within their grasp.
Without even a moment's thought as to where they were they kissed each other as though there was no tomorrow, and their very oxygen was only derived from the expirations of the other. Entwined so tightly that Sara began to lose track of where Grissom began and she stopped, they continued their emotional and passionate reunion.
When they finally understood that it was all very real and they were able to return to the earth once again, Sara buried her face in the crook of his neck as he stroked her back and whispered softly into her ear. And they would have stood like that for an eternity, if not for the other five people trying desperately not to be in their way, but not being able to escape the scene.
Finally not knowing what to do, except to disturb their obvious reunion, Dr. Green cleared his throat and said, "Gentlemen, I think we're with the wrong program, because I've never gotten a greeting like that on one of these trips."
Grissom touched the side her face with his fingertips and gently said, "This isn't the kind of thing you get from any program, gentlemen."
Sara finally returned to her senses and remembered the reason she was at the docks. "Oh, um. I'm sorry." She had trouble dragging her eyes from Grissom as she spoke, and only glanced quickly in the direction of the other men. "We need to get you all to the hotel and…"
Sara was interrupted from continuing any further as Señor Augustine and Tomás pulled up in the flat-bed truck. "Hola!" Señor Augustine walked up to the group and began shaking hands. "I thought you might like a ride to your hotel, gentlemen. Tomás will assist you with the luggage." He gestured to the CDRS jack-of-all-trades who was already picking up the cases resting on the dock. "If you would follow him to the truck, we will be on our way shortly."
The men quickly took their leave from the couple and left Señor Augustine to deal with them and the commander.
Smiling, Señor Augustine addressed Grissom first. "Doctor Grissom, it is indeed a pleasure to finally meet you."
"And I you, Doctor Carrión. But I hoped to meet your very determined wife, as well." Sara stood in complete shock as the two men exchanged pleasantries.
"Ah yes, well, there will be plenty of time for that, I think. For now, I have this for you." She watched as he handed Grissom a set of keys. "The young man with the boat is waiting for you in berth five. Your room is ready, and the manager knows of Señora's diet. The manager said, for two weeks, he gives you the best room upstairs."
Sara looked back and forth between the two men with utter disbelief playing on her face. "I don't understand… How… When…"
"Close your mouth, dear, or you'll catch a bug." Grissom's smile was wide, and Sara was still dumbfounded. "Thank you very much for your assistance. Doctor Carrión."
"Please, it was my pleasure."
"Okay, what the hell is going on here?" Sara had finally reached the end of her patience.
"Sara, it's okay." Grissom took her left hand in his and squeezed.
Señor Augustine held up his hand to stop Grissom and then explained, "Doctor Grissom asked me not to mention his position, and to make some arrangements for him to prepare for his arrival."
Looking at Grissom she asked, "You did all that? But why?"
She felt his fingers threading through hers and he smiled, "We haven't had our trip yet. And I seem to recall someone mentioning to me about the Sea Shepherd and walking in the footsteps of Darwin." She looked up into his eyes and saw the answers to all her questions shining there. "I can't say very much for the Sea Shepherd right now, but I have high hopes for the rest of the experience."
"And on that note, I will leave you to your trip." Señor Augustine bowed slightly and then added, "I will have your things sent over from the España tomorrow, Señora Sara."
Still in a daze Sara thanked her friend and Grissom turned her for the dock. They walked, his arm wrapped softly around her shoulders, holding her close. It was a feeling she had missed more than she ever imagined; the sense of complete safety and comfort in his embrace.
They quickly found the boat which would take them to the Hotel Finch Bay. The hotel was only accessible by boat and touted itself as an eco-luxury hotel. Sara had only been out there once before, when they asked for some assistance with a series of solar panels they were using to power their hot water heater system. It was an absolutely beautiful hotel, and they were about to take a moonlight ride out over the bay to reach it.
The young man piloting the boat trotted up to them and took the single bag from Grissom's hand. "Señor Grissom?"
Grissom gave him a soft smile when he answered, "Yes."
"Excellente!" He carried the bag and pointed ahead of them at the small skip. "Señor Quivas wanted me to assure you, your other things will be delivered as soon as they arrive at the airport. He already spoke with the commander and Doctor Carrión and told me to let you know it was taken care of."
"Well, my other things are supposed to go the Darwin Station." It seemed Grissom was still up to something. "But I would like to know the moment they arrive."
"Si, Señor. I will personally call your room when they arrive." The young man dropped Grissom's bag onto the bow of the boat and then stepped down from the dock. Holding onto the pylon with one hand, he held out the other to help steady Sara as she got into the boat. He simply held the pylon and steadied the boat as Grissom slowly climbed down into it.
They settled into the bench seat at the back of the boat as their pilot pulled away from the dock. Sitting very close, Sara was warmed from the cool evening air by the heat of Grissom's body. It had been such a long time since she felt such a thing that she simply snuggled in closer and enjoyed the sensation.
The ride out across the bay was astounding at night, with the light from the stars and the moon dancing upon the waters. It made the whole thing seem almost surreal. Less than an hour before Sara was all but convinced their relationship was coming to a bitter end, and yet there she was, resting in his arms as the gentle breeze blew through their hair on the way to an out of the way luxury hotel.
If it was a dream, Sara never wanted to wake up again.
And then, as though it finally dawned on her what was happening, she suddenly sat straight up and looked him in the eye as she asked, "Hank is in quarantine?!"
His bark of laughter startled her for a moment, but it was quickly dispelled when he just shook his head and smirked. "Out of everything, that's what you're going with?"
Quite innocently, Sara shrugged her shoulders and said, "Well, obviously you're the new bug guy they hired to help deal with the introduced species problems."
"Guilty."
"Which explains why Señor Augustine has been acting as though I've already accepted the project director position." She continued with her analysis, "And it's pretty clear you've gotten an earful from Señora Evelia, while also enlisting both of their help to pull all this off."
"Check, check, and double check." A broad smile was lurking at the corners of his mouth as he answered each of her points.
"So, all that's left is what you've done with the boy. And I can't believe you let them keep him in Quito. He's going to be a wreck flying in on that rattle trap plane all by himself." She waited to see his reaction to her accusation.
Exasperated, Grissom leaned back into the boat and groaned, "Believe me, I tried everything I could think of to get them to let him come with me on the ship. They just wouldn't budge. If I'd done anything more, you'd be having this honeymoon by yourself."
"Did you bring it?" Sara's hand unconsciously reached for the gold chain around her neck.
Grissom reached up and unbuttoned the top of his shirt, and then withdrew a similar gold chain, with a small gold band dangling from it. "I never go anywhere without it. Which presented something of a challenge at LAX through airport security." He reached out and took her right hand when he quietly asked, "Do you…still want it…after everything?"
"Do you?" Even after coming all the way out there to be with her, she still needed something from him to reassure her about their relationship.
He sat back up and brought his hands to her neck, stopping briefly to stroke along her jaw with his thumbs. Her eyes closed as she felt his fingers slip around to the back of her neck and undo the clasp of her necklace. They opened again in time to watch him pull the chain through the large ring which once rested above her heart. Without hesitation, he dropped the ring onto the third finger of his left hand and pushed it into place. "More now than ever before."
Sara put her hand over the ring hanging from his chain, pressing it gently into his chest. It was warm to the touch, heated by months of residing within his shirt, far away from prying eyes. They had been living their lives tucked away from everyone else for so long that the idea of living together, out in the open, for the first time was actually scary. But that didn't matter anymore. She now knew what life without him was, and she never wanted to know that world again.
She leaned forward, keeping her hand over the ring, and pressed her lips into his with a reverent kiss, filled with the promises of eternity. Her other hand loosed the chain and she pulled it away from the ring. "All this time, through everything, you haven't had my ring." Sara felt him tense beneath her touch and she felt all the emotions she kept locked away bubbling up to the surface. With tears welling up in her eyes, she confessed to him, "You've had my heart. You always have."
Tears streaming down her face, she pulled the ring from his chest and tried to get it onto her finger, but her hands were shaking so much that she nearly dropped it. Grissom quickly covered her hands with his. His voice heavy with emotion, he quietly asked, "May I?"
With only the ability to nod, Sara opened the hand which held the ring and he plucked it from her palm. Using the same delicate touch she had seen him use in countless cases over the years, he gently turned over her hand and stretched out her fingers. He stroked her long fingers for a moment, and then she caught his eyes. They were filled with such intense emotion that it brought a lump to her throat.
He positioned the ring above her third finger and took a deep breath, still locking his gaze with hers, she felt the power of his devotion in those moments. Sliding the ring down the length of her finger he breathed a promise, "You are my heart."