Disclaimer: I own nothing, mes amis. That includes you nice people at Marvel who don't squash me for writing this crap.
(An: I know I should be working on something- anything- else but this plotbunny was just too good to resist. I've been reading too many InterNutter fics, I'm sorry. Just couldn't resist this.)
As our scene opens, we see Logan, Ororo, and Kurt sitting at a desk that looks like something you'd see on a news show. The camera zooms in on Kurt as he shuffles some paper on his desk. "Hi, all you creepy normal people out there, and welcome to the Six o'Clock news. I'm Kurt Wagner, your co-anchor, reporting from Mutant Manor. Today's main story: Apocalypse runs for president! He's running an independent campaign, and his slogan is: 'I'll eat your heart in front of you if you don't bow to me.' Informative, isn't it. No word on whether his being turned into a cockroach will dampen his resolve to fufill his slogan.
"The next story on our agenda: Animals have gone loose in the mansion. Reports of a breakdancing skunk, a red-eyed tapdancing penguin, and a baretted tiger. Xavier suspects Magneto, although why he would give up his search for Fred the Pizza Mutant is beyond us." He shuffles a few more papers. "And in other news: Love is in the air for various random couples, since the author's a shipper. Beware the insanity, because she may just turn on you. But more on that when we get to sports. And now to Ororo for the weather."
"This is SO stereotypical," mutters Ororo. She pulls out a Pointer-Stick (tm to Mr. Tomlin) and begins to tap places on her map as she speaks. "This is a completely pointless segment for the denizens of the mansion, since I control the weather around here and make sure it's always sunny. More or less. But elsewhere in Bayville, it's monsoon season. Cue the clips of pain and suffering!"
We see teenagers forced to study, a bug being squashed beneath someone's stilettos, and Principal Kelly listening to the complaints of the members of the Brotherhood. In the background, we see Ray Bradbury and hear "Twilight Zone"-esque music.
"WRONG PAIN AND SUFFERING!"
The camera switches to Forge, muttering to himself as he turns a few switches and knobs.
Different pictures flash on the screen. People running from torndadoes, hurricanes and other natural disasters in downtown Bayville appear.
"Much better," says Ororo, seeming satisfied.
Forge mutters something like, "The things I do for love."
"Back to you, Kurt," says Ororo, smiling sweetly as she smacks Forge over the head with her Pointer-Stick. There is a nasty crack, and it's not the sound of it breaking, although the tip does fall off.
Kurt shuffles the papers on his desk. He doesn't appear to notice he's back on and whispers off-screen, "Man, I need a file cabinet." The cameraman clears his throat. Kurt gasps and faces the camera, smiling. "Ahem, anyway. In still other random news, Pyro's attempting to take over the town with an army of penguins and.. um, flaming dancing wombats. He's currently at the Town Hall, so no worries there."
The screen shows a picture of The Mayor from the Powerpuff Girls attempting to stroke one of the wombats. He screams in pain, and sucks on his fingers. Five seconds later, he attempts it again. Pyro is sitting at his desk, laughing to himself as he tries to open a jar of pickles. We see Ms. Bellum (from said show) tied up in a corner, shouting obscenities from behind a gag.
The focus is quickly switched back to Kurt. "Tell me that got bleeped. I need to hear these words."
Forge is looking dazed. Ororo laughs nervously and says, "Do you need those exact words?"
Kurt strangles the air. He then fakes a very creepy smile. "And now to Logan, with the sports." He thinks the camera's off him, so he begins to bang his head against the desk. He seems to see something and shouts, "HEY! WHY'S THAT LIGHT STILL ON?!"
The cameraman squeaks and runs off.
A replacement walks in and turns the camera to Logan.
Logan is growling faintly. For some reason he's in drag. "I lost a bet," he says when the camera man begins to giggle hysterically. "Shut up or put up." He growls louder and flashes his claws. The camera man shuts up. Logan clears his throat and fakes a smile. It looks as though he's screaming without any sound, and is extremely creepy. "Ok, anyway. Well, today in sports the Packers did this, Jay Shambo did that, the Cubs hit me with a wiffleball bat." He makes a noise like "Eer-eee-eee-eer-ee," and dances around on the spot. This is even creepier. He clears his throat again. "Ahem. ANYway, you guys aren't interested in that. What you are interested in is: ROMANCE GRUDGE MATCHES!!!"
A picture flashes on the screen bearing those words. It is divided in half, blue and pink, and has two football helmets clashed up against each other.
Logan glares at Forge for a second before regaining what little composure he had. "Okay, many people are not happy with the fact that the author's a shipper. Many people would prefer to be as far as possible away from the person in question as possible. Cases in point, Jonda, Romy, Jubby, Rahm, aaaand Kurtty. We'll start with the minor ones first. Hey, what's LoRo?"
-In the background, a squeak is heard as the author runs AFK as fast as possible-
Logan shrugs and continues. "Okay, first: Rahm. Two of the most ignored characters on the show, Sam and Rahne. Is is love? Is it hate? Does it matter at all, since both only got about five minutes of screen time each?"
A picture of Sam and Rahne appears on the screen. Logan steps up in front of it and begins to point at the pictures. "Ok, exhibit A: Mutual attraction. This pic is taken from the the episode 'Fun and Games'. Like the whole New Mutant thing, this episode was pointless. Utterly so. But that does not deny that it shows a 'mutual attraction' between the two members of Rahm."
He clacks a Pointer-Stick against the pic. It looks as though it has been repaired (badly) with scotch tape. Logan glares at Ororo, who shrugs and laughs nervously.
"Exhibit B: Interest in other people." A picture of Rahne and Rob flirting appears.
-In the background, the author screams. Something like, "IT BURNS, IT BUUUUURNS!!!"-
"This pic is from the episode 'Retreat'. Not nearly as pointless, since it gave some of the best chars (in the author's opinion, anyway) some extra screen time. Now, as you can see, some major flirt-age is going on between Rahne and Rob. Connection? I think so, the creators of Evo think so, and Mr. Peanut thinks so. However, the author is neither A) one of the afore-mentioned people or symbols, or B) sane at all when it comes to pairings."
He smacks the screen. There is a nasty snap and the tip of the stick breaks off. Logan whimpers, looking at the remains of his ruined stick. He begins to howl.
Ororo takes one look at the smashed stick and yells, "STAND-IN!"
Mystique walks up. She looks at the camera and pleads, "Do I really have to do this?"
-The Author laughs evilly in the background-
"I think that answers that," says Ororo, grinning like a maniac.
"Ooh! Mom torture!" shouts Kurt in the background. "Let me help!"
Mystique sighs and turns into Courage, the Cowardly Dog. "The things I do for love," she/he says in an eery imitation of Forge, and then transforms into a Pointer-Stick. She squeaks as Logan picks her up, and then again as he smacks her against the pic, first in joy, then in pain.
"Ok, ANYway, without any more interruptions. Today in the mansion," the pic changes to something completely random featuring Rahne and Sam in their powered-up forms, "Rahne went on a sugar high and got chased around by Sam. She was tackled, and there was undeniable tension as the two almost kissed. Key word, almost."
There is a shout in the audience. "I LIKE ROB, YE DAFTIE!!!!"
-The Author replies, "I ship Rahm, deal," and nods-
"Ok, so that was their little Grudge Match. Not much of a Grudge, not much of a Match. But hey, this ain't exactly the WWF."
A guy in the audience stands up in disgust and throws his popcorn on the ground. He's wearing a t-shirt that says "WWF WORLD WIDE FUN!!" He walks out, slamming the door behind him.
-"Rude!"-
"Anyone ELSE got any comments?!" asks Logan, claws out again.
The audience is silent. Only a cricket chirps. Logan throws a hand grenade at the cricket and it shuts up.
-Author pulls out cell phone, muttering, "I'm calling the ASPCA!"-
"All righty then."
Half the audience mouths "All righty then?" and then squeaks in fear as Logan gives them the claw finger, holding it reaaaaally close to the camera.
"SHUT UP!!" he screams, shoulders heaving.
Ororo sends a rain shower over his head.
This appears to calm him. "Ok. I'm calm, I'm centered, I'm peaceful."
-Author snorts in the background-
"Ya want some o' this?!"
-"Being quiet now!"-
Logan sheathes his claws. "Now then, without any more distractions. Jubby. A cruel sick joke against Northstar? A cheat against said constellation since Bobby's a teenager? A ridiculous cry for help?"
Someone in the audience shouts, "Would ya stop with the hypothetical questions, already?!" He is zapped by a bolt of lighting.
"Right. So then, Exhibit A: A shot of Jubby-ness. The author's not sure what episode this is from, and frankly doesn't feel like looking it up." (The pic is Bobby giving Jubes that little Ice Ballerina, btw.)
-The author mutters, "You don't have to repeat EVERYTHING on the script, you know!"-
"Exhibit B: Bobby in a chicken suit. Pointless, but a spit-take image nonetheless. There's just nothing against this pairing. Uh, but now to the Grudge Match." He taps his foot.
Forge, looking dazed, blinks, gasps, and presses the projector slide button.
-"Highschool teachers, this is your life. Without the death threats from a creepy short man, of course."-
The picture on the screen changes to Bobby and Jubes on the couch. Bobby's iced up and appears to be melting.
Logan taps it, and Mystique screams.
-"Inanimate objects are NOT supposed to talk!"-
"Now, anyway, the reason for THIS Grudge Match is that Jubilee's majorly pissed-"
"BLEEP IT!" comes Kurt's voice.
"AHEM!!!! Anyway, Jubilee is mad because Bobby left an ice sculpture in place of himself because he's smart and didn't feel like listening to any more of her shallow, stupid teen blather."
"HEY!" shouts Jubilee, in the audience. She stands up in fury. "My blather is NOT stupid!"
-"What about shallow?"-
"Well, all right, I'll give you that," mutters Jubes, sitting back down.
"CAN I FINISH?!?!" shouts Logan, gripping his Pointer-Stick so hard Mystique chokes and begins to turn blue. "Oh, sorry." He loosens his grip and Mystique gasps for air. "Okaaaay, anyway. Moving on: Jonda. Since I have no idea what LoRo is, we'll just skip it, hmm?"
-Author laughs nervously in the background-
"Ok, Jonda. There is no basis for this pairing. Completely fanon. No pictures here, just hypothetical questions: Is it canon in any way? Where did this idea come from? Who designed it? Why?"
"That's what Oy'd like ta know!" shouts Pyro, from the audience. Several flaming wombats are sitting next to him, hissing as Ororo's constant storm-age tries to extinguish them.
"Ok, the Grudge Match. Basic, simple. Today, John flirted with Wanda, and was HeX-bolted into a wall. Same old, same old." Logan shrugs.
"Going onward. Kurtty. What is it? A sick offense against canon? An attempt to put real romantic crap in a kids show? A cry for order and peace in our world, where best friends can become lovers and stay friends? That one was long and creepy. PICTURE!!!" A picture appears on the screen, the infamous Kitty-on-Kurt scene from "Rogue Recruit." "This here's the only canon for it. The only real version of it, since they never went any further in Season 1 and Kitty started dating Lance in Season 2." He taps it. "The author only ships it because Kitty and Kurt were always her favorite characters."
-"Too true. I need to stop ignoring the poor monkies. I mean mutants."-
"And finally, Romy. The biggest, most contreversial one. Here're the hypothetical questions: Why was Remy left off the team? Why was the only Romy episode so stereotyped? Why does Remy have no accent, when Rogue has too much? Why am I asking these dumb questions, when I can't answer them?!"
"Ah've got a good one!" shouts Rogue, standing up. "Why can't you guys just let me wallow in mah angst in peace, instead of doing Romy or Scogue or-" group shudder, "-Rietro, when Ah'm nevah goin' ta get ta touch?! Or worse! Makin' meh a lesbian!"
"HEY!" shouts Ellen DeGenres, standing up. "We're here, we're queer, deal with it!!!"
"Ah, shut up!" says some other guy who's not nearly as important, and chucks a shoe at her.
"I will not.. be silenced," says Ellen, before passing out.
-"Get the tranquilizers!"-
Two guys clad in white coats come out, holding extremely large needles. They walk up to Rogue. "Time to go nighty-night," says the one. We'll call him IN1, for Idiot Number 1, shall we?
Rogue screams in terror and hides behind Remy, who has appeared out of nowhere and is looking very confused. "IT'S NOT MAH BEDTIME!!!"
Rogue and Remy run off together towards the local Ben & Jerry's. Everyone know idiots without names are terrified of ice cream. All those different names for one flavor! Ridiculous, and too much for their tiny brains.
Logan screams in frustration and begins to suck his thumb.
In response to this, Mystique becomes a gigantic security blanket (think "The Brave Little Toaster" or whatever that creepy movie was) and wraps herself around Logan.
"Ok, I think we're not going to get anything more out of Logan. Not in this lifetime, anyway." He grabs his pointy ear suddenly. "Oh, wait, I'm getting something. We're going live to our Field Reporter, Kitty Couric!"
"My name is Kitty PRYDE! Get it right fuzzy!" screams Kitty at the mic. "Oh, we're on?" Kitty smiles sweetly and laughs in the same way Ororo did. "Like, Hi! Today we're reporting from the field! It's a real live Remy vs. Rogue grudge match! Since Logan's in no state to be reporting, I'll be, like serving you!"
-"Practice those words Kitty. If you ever leave the mansion, those'll be the only ones you'll ever need. That and, 'Do you want fries with that?'"-
Meanwhile, Mystique wraps tighter around Logan. "DAMN STRAIGHT!" she shouts.
"Can't.. breath..." says Logan, who is looking quite purple. It's not from rage, for once.
"BLEEP THAT!" shouts Kurt.
-Author smacks forehead-
"Why are you doing this, if you hate it so much?" asks Ororo, walking up to her.
-Author points at the rabid pink plot-bunnies hopping around. Jazz is standing in the middle of them, laughing evilly-
"Ah," says Ororo. She curls up in the fetal position.
-"I lose more weather people that way."-
"HELLO!" screams Kitty. "We're missing action here!"
"All right, all right," mutters Forge, taking the cameras off Ororo and onto Kitty.
Kitty goes into a voiceover as we see Remy chasing Rogue across the screen. "Ok, like, it started when they, like, went into Ben & Jerry's. They only had enough money for, like, one delicious cone of that stuff, and they couldn't, like, agree. So they got, like, vanilla. It's like, the neutral flavor. No, like, commitment. So this, like, started when Rogue just, like, totally out of nowhere steals it and, like, runs off. Now it's just, like, total pandemonium."
-"I didn't know Kitty could say anything over three syllables."-
"Like, curl up and die." Kitty gasps and the camera zooms in. "Like, OMG! Remy seems to have caught Rogue." There is a gasp all across the audience as Rogue kisses Remy, out of nowhere.
Kitty runs up to her. She is bent over the now unconcious Remy, licking her ice cream. "Like, Rogue! What do you have to like, say for yourself?!"
"The ice cream made me do it!" She runs off, laughing evilly.
She runs up to the author, back at the news studio. "Ya owe me fahve bucks."
-Author grumbles but hands her the cash-
"Ah get ta kiss the swamp rat, shut him up, he won't remembah a thing, Ah get ice cream and Ah get PAID! There's no downside!" Rogue crows as she walks off. She is followed by several roosters.
The camera trains back on Kurt, who is once again shuffling papers.
"Ok. Well, our weather person is mentally scarred for life, our sports person is choking to death at the hands of my mother, and our field reporter cannot resist me." He purrs suggestively and winks at the screen, in the same form.
-"I just don't feel like repeating the adverb, ok?!"-
"Well, all's well that ends well, eh, guys?"
Ororo whimpers.
Logan doesn't respond. He's already passed out. Mystique is grinning like an idiot.
Kitty is hanging onto Kurt with a death grip.
-"I hypnotized her into liking Kurt for the 'curl up and die' comment."-
"Oooh, evil!" choruses the audience.
-Author bows-
"Well, I guess that wraps things up for tonight. Tune in next time for your daily reccommended dose of insanity." Kurt waves at the screen as it fades out.
-Finally, it's over!-
(Ok, that was -completely- insane. Did you like it? Kudos to anyone who gets the refs! I'll give a cookie to whoever points out the most in their -cough-REVIEWS-cough-.)